Tag Archives: relationship advice

How To Reject a Man

Death. Taxes. The Cowboys choking. Rejecting someone you don’t want to date.

Yes, these are all things that are definitive in this life.

Rejection is a word I hate. I think it’s so pompous to “reject” someone. Like they’re an object so foreign that you have to reject them from your life. Ugh. It’s the worst. word. ever. I prefer “notify them that you like them as a person, but are not interested in moving forward.” And at times it’s more like “notify them that you don’t like them as a person because they are a complete (insert descriptive noun here) and you most definitely won’t be moving forward with any type of interaction.” But those are too long, yeah?

Anyway, I’m a fraud, I admit. Aren’t I supposed to offer sound advice and encouragement when it comes to breaking up or calling it quits? Probably. But  when it comes to letting people know I am not interested, I can’t close the deal.

I am going to admit that I am way too empathetic. I imagine how I’d feel if I were on the receiving end of this conversation. I get nervous I might hurt their feelings, so instead of straight up saying I’m not interested, I pretend to be too busy to ever see them again. (Partially true.) Or, I will not respond to their attempts to go out again. (I know, it’s awful.)

I’ve asked a lot of people how this should go. How do you tell someone you aren’t interested in them? I am not the Queen of Dating by any means. I don’t have men lining up to take me out. (This is LA, after all!) But if we’re going to remain realists here on Mentervention, I must say that I haven’t dated a guy in a while that I’ve been super eager to see again. The giddy factor is missing. A CRUCIAL FACTOR, FOLKS. I want to feel like I’m 17 again. Surely that feeling can be replicated. (Surely???)

Most dates are failures in terms of finding a mate. I think it’s because I have a clear idea of what I’m looking for in a man. And not just physically — although tall, determined and handsome doesn’t hurt nobody! These guys… they all have great attributes, but “Dreamweaver” hasn’t started playing in my head when they walk in the room.

Just to clarify, I don’t openly go around asking people for advice on how to let someone down gently. It’s just that whenever I casually mention that I have a date, people tend lose their damn minds. “WITH WHO!!!!! OMG!!! WHERE DID YOU MEET!!! LET ME SEE A PIC!” You’d think I had just won the $600 million Powerball with all the fuss that is made. (And should I be concerned that people are that excited when I get a date? Like I’m the perptetual single chick or something? Dear lord.) So they obviously do a follow-up  to ask how it went, and my response is pretty much as follows:

“He’s nice, we had a good time, but I don’t see it going anywhere.”

I mean, I should really redefine the term “good” because it’s not usually “good.” Good is like, we LOLed three or four times together, we held hands at one point, and I know I am going to see him again. Maybe a kiss was involved?! I don’t know. (I’m not that old-fashioned.) In most cases, I should say that it “sufficed to keep me occupied and he was a friendly person.”

So, how do you reject a perfectly nice guy, who bought you a drink (or two) and you might even see yourself being friends with? And they’re asking to see you again? But homie don’t play that?

I’ve had a few good answers given to me. A guy friend said to be straight forward, Band-Aid style. Hit them with it right off the bat, be quick, be nice, throw in some humor if you can. Just don’t lead him on. Men would rather know immediately that you’re not interested. Which, is logical, considering I would want to be told the same way.

My makeup artist said she found the perfect term to use, and she was right. “Tell them you had a great time, but you don’t think you’re a match.” Perfection. You did enjoy yourself, you like them as a person, but there’s no gray area when it comes to if you do or don’t want to see him again.

But how do you do you deliver this message?  Now usually I am a huge proponent of phone calls because it’s a lost communication form these days. I love talking on the phone, unless you are a publicist pitching me a product. (Don’t do that, by the way. Emails only.) That wasn’t always the case — but here, calls are my saving grace, considering all my closest friends and family are all living a solid 1200-1300 hundred miles away from me. (I know this for a fact since I have many of them on Find a Friend, an app we skillfully downloaded in Vegas, just in case one of us decided to wander off alone or happened to lose our phone.) But if you can get away with a text on this type of rejection, especially with somoene you just started to see, you can probably get the point across better by writing them instead of talking it out.

And on that note, if you are in a long-term relationship and you are rejecting someone through a text message, you are an asshat of epic proportions, and you should probably not be dating anyone, but instead taking some “me” time. Because that has “issues” written all over it.

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Men: Your Turnoffs Are Slightly Idiotic

My friend Emily sent me a link last week from Jezebel. It’s a few months old, but that didn’t take away from its relevance or how hilarious it is. This woman, Lindy West, is a woman after my own heart. Because she likes to mix relationship commentary with some good, old fashioned LOLs.

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Her commentary, perfectly written in her post, “Listen Up, Ladies: Here’s Everything Real Men Think is Wrong With You,” highlights several “turnoffs” “real men” have, according to Yahoo. A few of the treats include:

– false lashes, fake hair

– applying body lotion

– taking too much time to put on makeup

– wet hair

– using a hair dryer, wearing heels (before work to get ready)

– hair roots showing too much

– doing manicures themselves

– being low maintenance

You can read the entire thing here. Trust me, you’ll want to, because it’s LOL-worthy. But guys, if you’re reading this, I’m going to be frank with you because some of these answers are bloody absurd.

First, let me just define turnoff for you: “A person or thing that causes someone to feel bored, disgusted, or sexually repelled.” So you’re telling me, guys, that you are bored with a woman when she takes too long to put on makeup and dry her hair — something she’s doing to make herself look good for you? You are “sexually repelled” by women who go to sleep with their hair wet? According to this Yahoo! survey, yes, yes you are.

I know you wish your woman would wake up with beautiful, shiny hair and look absolutely runway worthy without makeup. But that’s a pipedream you’re going to need to get rid of immediately, because most of us don’t look this good at the crack of dawn. Truth is, someone of us need glasses, our hair will look like a stump full of granddaddies, we’ve probably drooled on our pillows that night, and have very appearent blemish cream on our faces that make us look like we have leopard spots, all so that you don’t have to look at a face full of acne. If you think we’re going to look like Olivia Wilde in the morning, you are sorely mistaken, because she is literally the only human being capable of looking like that without a stich of makeup. Because she isn’t real. Round of applause for Jason Sudeikis. Everyone can be improved upon with a little bit of cosmetics.

The interesting thing about this article is that men range from “you are trying too hard, ladies” to “you aren’t trying hard enough.” Please, just shut up. If you are with a woman who is too low maintenance for your standards, dump her. If she is too high maintenance, kiss her goodbye. She may be nice, she may be pretty, and she may enjoy college football just as much as you do, but if you’re going to complain about how long it takes her to get ready in the morning, it’s time to let that ship sail. Because that’s a losing battle.

First off, I know half of your dream women include a Victoria’s Secret Angel, Kate Upton, Rihanna, Erin Andrews or Kate Beckinsale. They’re all gorgeous. But while you’re admiring that Angel on the catwalk, please note that she has at least six tracks of clip-in extensions in, they’ve airbrushed her makeup for a “natural glow,” she’s probably had two airbrush tans, and those lashes that look so natural? Most likely they’re curled, have extensions, or are individuals glued on. While they may be stunning, they’ve had some help. It’s not 100% au natural, as you have envisioned in your heads.

The kicker for me is that half of the things the men complained about are all things that a) most men usually have no idea a woman is wearing (or not wearing), or b) things men tend to like and grativate toward. For instance, the dude griping about the woman wearing heels and making too much noise by wearing them: you like the illusion of long legs, gents? Well stop griping about the heels. And the at-home manicure — you’d be complaining if we spent too much money to get a $30 set of gel nails, so let the woman paint her own nails! It’s therapeautic sometimes after a long day of our boyfriend nagging us about sleeping on a pillow with wet hair.

Also, I’m going to say it. I’ve worn fake hair. I’ve worn faux lashes. And when I get married, my husband will be like “DAYUM. Our wedding photos look out of control” and it will be because my hair is thick and flowing and my eyes look definied and beautiful. On the hair note, no man has ever figured it out. (Cat’s out of the bag now I suppose). But unless he’s running his hands through my hair — which he sure as hell ain’t doing unless we’re at the point where we’re close enough for me to say ‘listen dude, I have a weave’ — then he’s happy sure to be thrilled that my hair looks awesome. Which, by the way, I’m sure he won’t, because MEN USUALLY DON’T CARE ABOUT HOW LONG OR THICK OR WAVY OR STRAIGHT YOUR HAIRS ARE.

Except these men in the poll. Clearly.

I’m by no means saying you need anything “fake” to make you look fabulous, ladies. Whether it’s a little lip gloss and blush, putting on a moisturizer, or just a few strokes of a paddle brush through your hair, we all do a little “something” to make us feel better (and look better). Men, get used to it. This sounds more of communication issue though. If your girlfriend has a problem with screwing lids on correctly, why not express your pissed off-ness to them instead of writing into a survey like some passive-aggressive weirdo?

Anyway men, the real takeaway here is stop complaining — half of these primping and pampering routines we have? It’s to make you happy.