Tag Archives: advice on men

I Do Declare: Take No Sh*t in 2015

Many people resolute resolve (sue me, I’m tired) to “start” things in 2015:

  • Start working out
  • Start calling your parents weekly
  • Start living your passion

For me, it’s simple as not doing something. And that something is this:

dealing with bullsh*t.

Apologies for the language, but it’s really the only way I can describe it. I’ve done this in the past — putting up with treatment I don’t deserve, or doing things for people that I really don’t want to do, just to appease them. And when I say past, I’m referring to as recently as December 31st, 2014.

When you’re in a relationship, you’re willing to put up with crap because you’re tied to the other person. Not literally, obviously. And not by law in some cases. But because you’ve shared experiences with them, and because you care for them more than just on a friendly level, you deal with things that might not be acceptable.

But ask any woman, and she’ll tell you that she’s probably put up with her own fair share of shiz from men who aren’t her significant other — people she has no obligation to. They’re people she knows on a surface level, or she used to know really well, but doesn’t know them personally. Or hasn’t seen them in years.

I have done this with all kinds of men: acquaintances from my hometown, guys my friends have dated; guys I used to date seven years ago. My dad likes to call me a bum magnet, and went as far as to ask me where I found these “complete psychopaths.” And I figured out that it’s not me finding them. It’s them finding me. (And that’s the truly horrifying, if not comforting part of it all — I didn’t seek them out.) I’ve been (mostly) single the past five years, so some of these situations are not romantic interests.

I’ll give you a few examples:

This dude.

A person I knew from Texas has contacted me recently, buttering me up for God knows what reason — but I know there is one, because I know there are ulterior motives involved. (There’s always at least one motive these days.) I am polite and thank him for his compliments, but I’m not giving in to his requests to meet up. Because you know what? I don’t want to. I have zero obligation to, actually. I’ve been down that road with him, and frankly, I don’t need the association, and I also don’t need the drama or exhaustion, either. He’s not my boyfriend; he’s not my brother… I don’t want to deal with it. He’s brilliant, and wish him all the best, but until I see a change in his behavior, we’re not getting drinks, and I’m not following him on Instagram. (And I’m not holding my breath, either.)

The last example involves an ex on New Year’s Eve. I don’t know why I refer to him as an “ex,” because we barely dated. But it lasted long enough, and he asked me not to see other people, so I guess we were in a relationship? If we were, he had a peculiar way of treating me like his girlfriend. Anyway, we had a very turbulent romance, and I was absolutely humiliated by the end of it.

Two years ago, he ended up asking for forgiveness, let me know he got his life together on various fronts, and he apologized for everything he had ever done to me. Considering I had forgiven him years ago, I was thrilled he had reached a point in his life where he could find peace and comfort in himself and with God. And our conversations, although few and far between, since then were great. But the NYE conversation went south BIG TIME. It got to a point where I was genuinely uncomfortable and struggling to find a tactful response (cue thousands of emojis). I even avoided the conversation for a few hours. Basically, it went from me making a joke about making out (which we had a few times — he was my boyfriend once, after all) to him crossing the line and making a few comments that would make anyone blush. I was so baffled and infuriated by the whole thing that I told him I was sad for him if he was drunk, and I was also sad for him if he wasn’t. I didn’t do anything to provoke or lead him to those comments, and the fact that he thought he could talk to me like that really pissed me off.

This angered him, and thus came all of the condescending, terrible comments that I was once accustomed to receiving back in college. You know, when I was 19. News flash: I’m a grown woman now. I’ve lived a life. A small portion of it, but still, I’ve had a lot more experiences in this world now than I did at 19. Needless to say, I wasn’t having it.

I don’t deserve that type of treatment, and by the way: I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN YEARS. I’m disheartened to think of how he would talk to someone he’s regularly dating. Mostly, I’m disappointed that nothing has changed.

I ended up cutting the cord right then and there. You know why?

I don’t need the bullsh*t.

So do yourself a favor, and stop the bloody madness. I’m ripping these situations straight from my life and my friends lives (sorry!), so I hope you can relate and will move forward this year by:

  • Ignoring your ex’s calls and texts. They are not strong enough to stop contacting you, so you’re going to have to grow a pair and do it yourself.
  • Stop feeling bad for people who bring problems upon themselves. They have to want to change themselves.
  • Stop believing people will change, when they consistently prove to you that they can’t and won’t. (That’s what we like to call “madness.”)
  • Stop falling back into old habits and relationships because it’s “comfortable.” You’re missing out on the better experiences waiting to be had.
  • Stop doing things just because other people want you to or depend on you — people who have no business depending on you in the first place. I think you should have empathy for others, but learn to love and protect yourself first.

Here’s to taking no sh*t in 2015.

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Take the Hint

With an all-male crew on my set on Friday, I found this to be the perfect opportunity to ask a question:

“A guy will not stop texting me or trying to hang out with me, and I’ve made it clear that I am not interested in either. What do I do?”

Their immediate answers:

“Tell him you have a boyfriend.”

“Stop responding.” 

I explained that I have ignored him, on more than one occasion. Scroll through my phone and you’ll see a graveyard of texts received, sometimes three times a day, to the ghost that is my phone number. I have to say, it’s a bit admirable that he persists without any response.

He’s gotten to me a few times. Some because I was annoyed; another because he made it sound like he might have a good career connection for me. And since I’m an equal opportunist, I’m always looking for ways to get further in my career. I should know better than to fall for these antics, because each time it’s obviously a tactic to get me to respond or get me on the phone.

I cannot tell this person I have a boyfriend — he would be able to figure out that it’s a lie. (Or would he?) And that got me on a tirade: why do I have to lie to a man to get him to leave me alone?

Many of my friends would argue that if I am not interested, I’m pretty blatant about it. (To me, if I’m annoyed and with a group of girls, I have no qualms telling a dude to buzz off.) But a majority of the time, I’m polite and friendly. However, if I’m not interested in you, I shouldn’t have to fake that I have a significant other to get you to leave me alone. But that’s what it comes down to, doesn’t it ladies? How many times have you been at a bar and a guy comes up and talks to you… you engage in a nice conversation, but it’s not going anywhere and you can tell right off the bat you aren’t interested or attracted to them. He asks for your number or to hang out (or whatever) and you say “that’s so sweet, but I don’t think so,” and the guy goes, “why? You have a boyfriend?”

When you tell them it’s because you’re not interested, you’re a bitch. Or they persist, trying to sway you otherwise.

Sometimes persistence is charming. You never know why a woman has her guard up. But more than likely, we know where we stand, and we’re not interested in taking the conversation any further. So for you to badger us about “why we aren’t interested” really makes things uncomfortable. We are human, and we can be polite, but that doesn’t obligate us to go any further than small chat at a bar. And just because we’re engaging in conversation doesn’t mean we’re attracted to you!

The sad part about this story is that the guy is not some random dude at a bar. He was a guy I knew. But at the same time, we hung out maybe… maaaaaaybe… three times total? Yes. Three times. Usually in the company of a mutual friend. So his random persistence to see me and hang out really made him suspect, in my opinion.

At one point I thought this person would be a good friend. My definition of friend: makes me laugh, we can sit and not have to fill the air with chatter, and not hitting on me. I have guy friends from elementary school, who I’ve known forever, and who I have kissed. I see them and we pick up like old chums and it doesn’t affect the relationship. But I guess that changes when you become an adult. I tried to test the waters with this person, meaning the “friendship waters” and let me tell you what happened: he tried to hold my hand all night as I literally told him “no” and “stop” a cumulative 50-100 times; he had taken my phone and posted pictures of us together which a) is as total invasion of privacy and b) lead me to believe he was just doing it to make his ex upset.

And after all of this goes down, and I have flat out said “I am not attracted to you” (read: back off), he tells me that I wouldn’t have worn the outfit I wore if I wasn’t trying to get him to do all of those things.

Are you kidding me? I can’t wear an outfit I feel good in — an outfit I wore, frankly, in hopes of meeting someone else, not him — because “I’m asking for it” if he tries to hold my hand or kiss me?

For whatever reason, (maybe I blacked out or something) I decided to give this guy another chance. After a several weeks of not responding/politely refusing to see him, he invited me to a party that I thought (again) would be a great place to meet people. When I told him that this was just a “platonic hang out,” and “no funny business,” he wrote me “no promises” and that he didn’t want to be told from the get-go what wasn’t going to happen. This is after he had told me, several times, that he was okay with being “just friends” and merely liked hanging out with me. I am an idiot.

I tell him that I am dating someone (see? It keeps happening) and I don’t want to push him off me all night. And then he responds with “maybe I should take someone else, yeah?”

IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING? You know that I’m not interested, that the only possibility of hanging out with me would be in a friend capacity, and you have the audacity to decline the invite because you don’t want to be told “no”? That’s dangerous. Actually, that’s predatory.

Quote: “I’m just asking you to not go into it having any restrictions. I wanna have fun and I’m not saying anything is going to happen. I’d just rather not be like I can do this I can’t do that.”

After telling him I wasn’t going and to have fun, he ended up inviting one of my friends, who, not shockingly, said no as well.

Guys, let me tell you something: making a woman do anything that she isn’t comfortable with? That’s predator behavior, and it’s something that none of us (as women) should trust. If you tell a guy all night long that you aren’t interested and to stop touching you, stop trying to hold your hand, stop anything — it’s not your fault that he keeps persisting. It’s his.

And if he’s willing to go that far in public, imagine what would happen if you were alone.

Anyway, gents: do yourself a solid and read between the lines. Women tend to back off if a guy we’re interested in straight up stops responding to our texts or calls. I’d suggest you do the same.

It’s normal to hate your friend’s boyfriend

Friendship: one of the most coveted relationships you can have the honor of being bestowed with. Friends are the family you choose for yourself, yeah? Chances are, some of your friends know more about you than your own parents. I can say that I have a group of friends that I can count on one hand that have known me over half of my life. These women will probably have more memories with me, of me, and know more about me than my future husband ever will. They will remember what I looked like in elementary, middle and high school; the idiotic things I said and did in college, the first place I lived here in LA.

But with the glory of having a comrade to engage in debauchery with, to gripe with and to go through social awkwardness with also comes the crappy parts of having that friend. Perhaps it’s holding their hair back. Perhaps it’s trying to get them to put pants on. Or maybe it’s the inevitable: the fact that, at some point, you will hate their boyfriend.

Maybe hate is a strong word. You may hate them, but you may also feel many of your friends are selling themselves short with the people they’re dating.

I can’t.

As a friend, you have the short end of the stick. Not only do you have to hear all the good points (the first dates! the sweet gestures! the engagements!) but the terrible things as well, which can range from cheating, name calling; when they spent a large amount of money without consulting you first, dinner with an ex behind your back, flirting, arguing, multiple breakups, and, sadly, if he’s been abusive.

As friends, these are the burdens we take on: to love our friends unconditionally, lift them up, and try to help advise them when it’s necessary. But it’s hard to forget those terrible things when a reconciliation comes about, because the last thing we want is to see our friends end up with someone unworthy of them in the long run. Sure, nobody’s perfect, but why settle when the red flags keep popping up repeatedly?

When you’re in your teens, or even in college, you don’t tend to worry about these relationships because, more than likely, they will fizzle out, fade, die — whatever you want to call it. But as I’ve gotten into this thing others like to refer to as “adulthood,” (I prefer “4 years of Ramen or Lean Cuisine?”) I have gotten increasingly more neurotic about my friends. Mostly because they’re all dating or have dated jackasses, and also because, outside of work, my life consists of hanging with said friends or going to the gym.

“You are meddling in their lives!” you may be thinking. No, I am not. When you love someone, don’t you want what’s best for their own physical and emotional welfare? I do not want anyone I know walking down the aisle, only to get the big D four years later. (And by “big D,” I am referring to divorce.)

At first, I wondered why so many of their boyfriends were such idiots, and then I wondered what my own problem was. Newsflash: It’s normal to not be keen on your friends’ boyfriends from time to time. In fact, so many of our friends these days are worried about the option of being alone that they tend to cling to people not worth their time. So it’s normal to hold a grudge, be bitter and still be weary of said boyfriend who has broken their heart or done an unforgivable thing. Because more than often, at this age, if our friends aren’t married (like, no kidding, 90% of mine, thank goodness), they’re dating some idiot who doesn’t have his shit together. It’s true. Said shit could be their job, their emotional state, their spending, their drinking, their education… the list goes on.

Let me backtrack for a second. Some of my friends’ boyfriends, exes, or whatever their defined as these days (some of them are in relationship limbo) are great people. People I’ve had great times with, people I adore, and even people I consider a friend too. But guess what? They don’t have my allegiance. I might like these two people as individuals, but together? To the left with it.

While you would like to brush this whole “feeling” off, it’s almost impossible because it can affect your life in a few ways. It can make your life a living hell because all your friend does is spend every waking minute with this person and they’re always around, NO MATTER WHAT. So you have to hear their arrogant, self-satisfying babble when you could not care less.

Or, it can ruin your relationship with your friend. She cares too much about him at that point. Women tend to put on their Boyfriend Goggles(TM) in relationships. They impair everything! Good decisions get thrown out the window sometimes, so you’re more than likely getting kicked to the curb until she figures out this lowlife isn’t loyal, isn’t going anywhere, and has no real attributes she should be attracted to.

Or you can deal with it and drive yourself nuts.

I used to spend my time thinking about how I was going to tell my friends I couldn’t stand their boyfriend, and what a terrible decision it was for them to (move in, get back together, quit their job for them, etc). It was like the nagging thing in the back of my head. I am classified as a Stage 5 Helper, and these girls NEEDED help! Didn’t they? Didn’t they need me to tell them everything that was wrong with their relationship?

If you don’t know the answer already, it’s no.

And you know what? That’s why it’s never happened. Because I realized something. Well, two things. More than likely, these women know, deep within their hearts, it’s not right. That there are too many red flags for this to be the real deal. And sure, they’re probably ignoring it for now so they can enjoy the time they have left, but ultimately they know in their heart it’s not “it.”

Second, it’s not worth it for me, and not for you as a friend, either. It’s not your battle to fight, your mountain to climb, your experience to go through. If they are in physical harm, obviously reach out to the appropriate parties to keep things safe. But emotional harm can be just as damaging, and I understand how hard it is to walk away and not say something when your friend just got prescribed a new pair of Boyfriend Goggles.

At the end of the day, you can cause a bunch of drama by speaking your mind and probably get nowhere because, let’s face it, we’re all adults. Your friend is going to make her own decisions. You can say something, or you can love your friends, advise when necessary, and hope they get some sense smacked into them at some point.

I will say that I have been vocal with one friend recently about her relationship, and it takes a really special friendship to be able to vocalize something like that and have them respect what you’re saying, knowing it’s coming from a good, honest place. Some of your friendships won’t be able to handle — let alone make it through — a conversation like that. Even your best friends.

So mind your mouth before you try to offer help and advice.

How To Reject a Man

Death. Taxes. The Cowboys choking. Rejecting someone you don’t want to date.

Yes, these are all things that are definitive in this life.

Rejection is a word I hate. I think it’s so pompous to “reject” someone. Like they’re an object so foreign that you have to reject them from your life. Ugh. It’s the worst. word. ever. I prefer “notify them that you like them as a person, but are not interested in moving forward.” And at times it’s more like “notify them that you don’t like them as a person because they are a complete (insert descriptive noun here) and you most definitely won’t be moving forward with any type of interaction.” But those are too long, yeah?

Anyway, I’m a fraud, I admit. Aren’t I supposed to offer sound advice and encouragement when it comes to breaking up or calling it quits? Probably. But  when it comes to letting people know I am not interested, I can’t close the deal.

I am going to admit that I am way too empathetic. I imagine how I’d feel if I were on the receiving end of this conversation. I get nervous I might hurt their feelings, so instead of straight up saying I’m not interested, I pretend to be too busy to ever see them again. (Partially true.) Or, I will not respond to their attempts to go out again. (I know, it’s awful.)

I’ve asked a lot of people how this should go. How do you tell someone you aren’t interested in them? I am not the Queen of Dating by any means. I don’t have men lining up to take me out. (This is LA, after all!) But if we’re going to remain realists here on Mentervention, I must say that I haven’t dated a guy in a while that I’ve been super eager to see again. The giddy factor is missing. A CRUCIAL FACTOR, FOLKS. I want to feel like I’m 17 again. Surely that feeling can be replicated. (Surely???)

Most dates are failures in terms of finding a mate. I think it’s because I have a clear idea of what I’m looking for in a man. And not just physically — although tall, determined and handsome doesn’t hurt nobody! These guys… they all have great attributes, but “Dreamweaver” hasn’t started playing in my head when they walk in the room.

Just to clarify, I don’t openly go around asking people for advice on how to let someone down gently. It’s just that whenever I casually mention that I have a date, people tend lose their damn minds. “WITH WHO!!!!! OMG!!! WHERE DID YOU MEET!!! LET ME SEE A PIC!” You’d think I had just won the $600 million Powerball with all the fuss that is made. (And should I be concerned that people are that excited when I get a date? Like I’m the perptetual single chick or something? Dear lord.) So they obviously do a follow-up  to ask how it went, and my response is pretty much as follows:

“He’s nice, we had a good time, but I don’t see it going anywhere.”

I mean, I should really redefine the term “good” because it’s not usually “good.” Good is like, we LOLed three or four times together, we held hands at one point, and I know I am going to see him again. Maybe a kiss was involved?! I don’t know. (I’m not that old-fashioned.) In most cases, I should say that it “sufficed to keep me occupied and he was a friendly person.”

So, how do you reject a perfectly nice guy, who bought you a drink (or two) and you might even see yourself being friends with? And they’re asking to see you again? But homie don’t play that?

I’ve had a few good answers given to me. A guy friend said to be straight forward, Band-Aid style. Hit them with it right off the bat, be quick, be nice, throw in some humor if you can. Just don’t lead him on. Men would rather know immediately that you’re not interested. Which, is logical, considering I would want to be told the same way.

My makeup artist said she found the perfect term to use, and she was right. “Tell them you had a great time, but you don’t think you’re a match.” Perfection. You did enjoy yourself, you like them as a person, but there’s no gray area when it comes to if you do or don’t want to see him again.

But how do you do you deliver this message?  Now usually I am a huge proponent of phone calls because it’s a lost communication form these days. I love talking on the phone, unless you are a publicist pitching me a product. (Don’t do that, by the way. Emails only.) That wasn’t always the case — but here, calls are my saving grace, considering all my closest friends and family are all living a solid 1200-1300 hundred miles away from me. (I know this for a fact since I have many of them on Find a Friend, an app we skillfully downloaded in Vegas, just in case one of us decided to wander off alone or happened to lose our phone.) But if you can get away with a text on this type of rejection, especially with somoene you just started to see, you can probably get the point across better by writing them instead of talking it out.

And on that note, if you are in a long-term relationship and you are rejecting someone through a text message, you are an asshat of epic proportions, and you should probably not be dating anyone, but instead taking some “me” time. Because that has “issues” written all over it.

Trivial Pursuits

I’m one of those people who can talk to a wall if need be, but when it comes to dating, I CRINGE at the thought of having to explore if there’s a “connection” with someone I just met, because 99% of the time there is not.

Granted, I haven’t had a ton of dates. But last week I had two planned, which is rather shocking considering I don’t do these types of things. Surprisingly, neither one was awkward or boring or cringe-worthy… but that’s because one actually didn’t happen. Allow me to explain:

I met a guy two weeks ago at The Surly Goat, after my friends identified him as “my type.” He approached me during bar close. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t wooed by this guy because he was attractive, charming and totally outgoing — all things women can get behind, right? Long story short, he asked me on a date this past Saturday, I went, and it was great. Not weird, bizarre, uncomfortable — legitimately, it was a great time with a fun, interesting guy. Kudos to him for acting like someone I’ve known for more than just a week and not like a socially awkward idiot. I don’t know when I’ll see this guy again, (or if that’s even in the cards) but it made me happy to know not all dates are emotionally traumatizing. Rejoice!

My date on Friday, however, was with Brutus (name obvi changed). Since I’m trying to, you know, make time to date in my life, I figured why not test the waters? I wasn’t particularly interested in this person, but one of my co-workers gave me great advice: go on the date, get some wine, and use it as a way to build up your experience for when you meet someone great. Wine makes things less serious than an entire dinner, and if you use it more like a tool to help you get better at dating, there’s no harm there. PS writing “a tool to get better at dating” literally made me regurgitate a little, as it sounds SO BLOODY pathetic. Why do I need help dating? I’m effing awesome, right…?

So here’s the deal: I was going to be in San Fran for most of the week, and on that Monday I was asked out by this guy. I let him know I wasn’t going to be around, but he offered to pick me up from the airport on Friday and would take me to dinner then. I liked the gesture and thought it was super considerate of him (I can’t get some of my own friends to pick my ass up) so I committed to the date and went about my week. We would text a little bit while I was gone, and on Wednesday he told me he was headed to San Fran as well. A weird coincidence, yet not one I was willing to be like, “we should totally meet up!” Mostly because a) I was busy all day long while I was there, b) I had my office party and c) I was going to see him Friday. No need to go overboard with the appearances here. And frankly, I’m not asking you to come back to my hotel, so forget it, dude.

I didn’t hear from him Thursday or Friday morning, which lead me to crack some jokes about how I had been ditched and that my girlfriends and I should grab tacos that night and watch sappy roms coms in bed. Some of my friends thought I should have texted him with my flight info or to follow up, but I have some serious issues with this — those being that he’s the one who set this up, and he was the one making the offer. Like, perhaps if this dude was the man of my dreams, I’d make an effort. (Probably not. Chivalry ain’t dead in my book, people.) But here’s the point: if I’m offering to pick someone up from the airport, I’m asking them well in advance their flight info, what time I should be there, etc. I wasn’t about to ask this dude if he was still offering to pick me up and, you know, GO ON A DATE AND BUY ME DINNER. Also, please consider that the week before this he made plans to meet up with me and he flaked on those as well. See the pattern here? He knows how to woo ladies, especially ones who appear extremely disinterested.

I landed at LAX with no message from him at all, which was fine — me and my friends cabbed it home — but can we get real here? What an effing joke. This is why women bitch about dating guys in our generation, because they make these so-called “plans” for dates yet none of them have the gonads to follow up and make those things happen. Guys, it’s your bloody job to pursue a woman. Ladies, you should not be pursuing any man. I’m not old fashioned — and it’s not empowering for women to be pursuing a man, unless you’re in some ridic romantic comedy featuring Julia Roberts, and we all know how My Best Friend’s Wedding ended.  (If you don’t, hint: her love marries the younger, blonder Cameron Diaz, and she’s left alone with her gay companion.)  you’re wondering if a relationship is right for you, ask yourself if you are pursuing it more than the man is. If you are, and it works out, just remember you will have a lifetime to deal with him not pursuing you, and you having to pick up all the slack.

I don’t even need to get into that you shouldn’t take take take but give as well — that’s obvious, but not the point here. If a guy really wants to see you, he will figure out a way to make that happen, no matter what you’re doing or what you’re going through. If it ever pops into your mind that you should text him because you haven’t heard from him in a few days, please listen to me and DON’T TEXT HIM. Because any guy who is thinking of you is going to reach out to you via text, email, phone call, whatever. (Please apply this to breakups as well: if he wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t have broken up with you.)

“But you’ve been single how long?” Make the joke — I’ve been single three years. I haven’t gone on thousands of dates, but I did learn from the relationships I had in the past, and they all started out with the guy pursuing MOI. They made the effort, and there weren’t any games. No “let’s hang out” or “will you be at X bar?” or waiting six days to text or call each other. They were very much open about their intentions: they liked me, wanted to see me and spend time with me, and they were going to make that happen. These were no trivial pursuits by any means. They were valuable pursuits, and they were happy to go through them to court me.

OH! I forgot the best part. I’m pretty much a terror when it comes to men and making them feel dumb. By happenstance (or so we’ll say at this point) I ran into him at a bar I was at that night. Low and behold, he shows with his posse of bros. I truly adore one of his friends (apologies if you’re reading this) and explained to him what had happened.

“So, Brutus is socially inept when it comes to women — he was supposed to pick me up at the airport tonight and take me on a date, which obviously is not happening since, you know, we’re not on a date right now.”

The friend explained Brutus was buzzed on another level. (Shocking.) And eventually Brutus came over and made small talk that went something like this:

Brutus: “Hey, how’s it going?”

Kirbie: “Good! Great, how are you?” (I can really pep it up when I’m annoyed.)

B: “I’m good, you look great.”

K: “Thanks…”

B: “Yeah, I just got back in from San Fran late tonight. Did you fly in?”

K: “Yeah, I left around 7:10 and got in at 8:30.”

B: “Oh. Yeah. Remind me, where were you again?”

That was the point where I turned him around by brute force and requested that he leave. I know I shouldn’t have been upset if I didn’t want to see this guy in the first place, but really, make up your mind, and don’t waste my time with it all. He made the plans, and was proactive about it happening THAT NIGHT. Then I happen to see him at a bar after he pretty much ditched me, and the guy is obviously on something because he doesn’t even remember that I was in San Francisco — the place he was just at as well.

LONG STORY but that’s not the guy I want to date, nor the kind of guy I’m attracted to, and I’m sick of dealing with these lint-lickers. Ladies, does this sound like someone you’d want to date either? Unless you are working the street corner, no, no you don’t.  One characteristic every fiancé or husband to my girlfriends has? They’re men, and they encompass that. They don’t allow their women to be their mothers or babysitters. They may not be good at planning, but they figure out how to get their shit together, especially when it comes to pursuing those women. Each woman is strong and independent, yet these men allow them to feel their best and let them enjoy being a woman, and part of that is being pursued by a real man.

So let’s cheers to this: no more trivial pursuits, ladies and gentlemen.

“A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue.” — Truman Capote

I thought I was turning out to be the only person who thought men were complete and utter asshats UNTIL I WENT TO VEGAS.
(If you don’t want to read about the drunk wisdom I received from a British lad, scroll down — there are some real special OKCupid messages awaiting you. They’ll be the last of the bunch considering I deleted my account last week.)

——————————-

While at TAO, a British lad by the name of Stephen approached myself and my two girlfriends and asked us to come to his table. If you’re a woman, you know the number one mission you should have in Vegas is to find hot men with a table of free alcohol to consume. I was patting myself on the back for this mission: accomplished when I started talking to Stephen a bit more and realized this was a divine intervention… or Mentervention, rather.

Were Stephen and I meant to be? DEFINITELY not. He had about six too many buttons unbuttoned on his shirt, I can guarantee you he was just trying to sleep with me (or one of my girlfriends — who knew at that point) and pretty much defined the term “British Playboy.” His friends were pulling the ultimate wingman move by telling all of us he was a royal and went to school with Pippa Middleton and Princess Beatrice. Shamefully, I was pretty close to believing them. Does the normal guy care or even know Princess Beatrice exists? Alas I knew it was all lies — lest any man doubt my knowledge of the royals — but a nice touch nonetheless. Anyway, talking to Stephen, he made a few comments that I found to be unbelievably brilliant. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was his rather charming accent… but it all made so much sense. Don’t even ask me how this got brought up because I don’t remember:

(Please read in a British accent) “Men in America are quite idiotic. I’m serious. They run around and try to get women yet they only ask questions like, ‘What brings you here? Have you been here before?’ Just give it up already man! It’s even worse when they try to talk to other men. (Goes into his American accent) ‘Yo dude! What’s up bro? Yeah man, keep it real.’ What the bloody hell is that? I will tell you why men in America are a turnoff to women: because they don’t know how to hold a decent conversation.”

Now Stephen makes a valid point. I’m not saying this to make myself sound like some woman who is just overloaded with men approaching her — I’m definitely not — but this is a dating blog after all, so sue me. Anyway, just today some rando at Whole Foods came up and said, “You know what’s good?” Me, being oblivious, looked around, and responded, “What?” I thought he was going to tell me what was good. Then he’s like, “No, is there something you like here?” And at this point I’m privy to the fact that he’s just trying to talk to me, but I’m also really annoyed because I’ve been waiting 10 minutes to get a half a pound of sliced turkey. So I kind of just smile and say, “Nope, looks like all my favorites aren’t available today…” and he stands there and stares at me. Like a creeper. So I start to move when he says, “I don’t really care if you like anything, I just wanted an excuse to talk to you.”

Yeah, I couldn’t tell man. Here’s the thing: timing is everything. Read the signs, guys! If I’m on my phone and tapping my foot because the family of four in front of me can’t decide if they want smoked or roasted turkey breast, I am clearly not in the mood to chat. Maybe if you had told me a funny joke or wanted to commiserate with me, I’d be more up for it. But frankly I don’t want to discuss my favorite side dishes that I pick up from Whole Foods. Because really, do you even give a damn? No, you do not. This is what I mean.

If any man would have approached me like Stephen did in Vegas, I’d be excited to talk to him. Sure, the prospect of free alcohol was running through my brain, but his demeanor is what I’m referring to. He didn’t come across too arrogant or goofy or nervous. He wasn’t trying too hard. He was the right combination of confident, friendly and outgoing. He seemed genuinely curious about us and didn’t ask questions where we all were like, “He doesn’t give two shits about that… why is he asking?”

I don’t know if it was because we were American or what (and frankly I don’t care), but his conversation was good enough that all three of us ended up chatting with his group of friends until we (the girlfriends, not us and Stephen… need to clarify that) left the club that night. And sure, maybe his intentions weren’t genuine, but again, I DON’T CARE. It was Vegas. But it would be nice to meet a non-Vegas Stephen one day who wasn’t so into themselves and they actually took some time to create a meaningful conversation with a woman.

By meaningful, I don’t mean contemplating life and love and poetry and symbolism and all of that jazz. I mean, it can be about all that stuff too, but mostly I’m referring to a conversation that we can both relate to and understand at the time. Trying to get philisophical at the gym or the ball park or the grocery store is not appropo. Save it for the first date. But also, think about engaging in conversations that make us empathize or laugh and heck… make us think. Maybe it’s about your favorite band or a hard time you went through or a hilarious story that’s self-deprecating and amazing all at the same time. A conversation that you’re excited to be in and one that I know you’re not rolling your eyes about when I turn my head. A conversation where you not only share your part, but is, in fact, an actual conversation. One where you care about my response and react to it; one where you don’t have ulterior motives (to hit the sack, to build yourself up, to get sympathy, and so on).

I definitely don’t expect you to try to strike up a “What is love?” conversation in the deli meats section at Whole Foods, but please come up with something a little more intriguing than a question about what green I prefer with my steak. You dig? I’m sure the ladies will agree with me on all aforementioned accounts.

To conclude, I’m not saying all men in Vegas give opinions as wise as Stephen’s, either. And to think for a second that Stephen wasn’t a raging douchebag would be remiss on my part. I forgot to mention he was on Night #2 of his EIGHT DAY STAY IN VEGAS. I went for five nights, four days back in 2010 and I truly don’t know how I came out of that one alive. But then again, he put his number in my phone as “Sexy Stephen British.” So we’ll call it a draw when it comes to the “Undesirable Bro” debate. While he was a cheeky lad, he was witty and clever (including the term “British” made it easy to remember who he was the next day). He definitely had some “pros” to balance out his “cons.”

So based on this post, I guess you can either a) get interested  or b) try turning up the charm, guys. Take your pick.

Now on to some riveting messages from OKCupid! Yes, these are the final online dating messages I will post on here unless I decide to invest my love life in eHarmony or Match.com.

This is from some dude I didn’t respond to and it was sent at 1:15 PM. Yes, in the afternoon. So I can assume he wasn’t binge drinking at this point:


Meet up in LA

Fly to Las Vegas

Sex

On Ice

Diamonds

Shine so bright

We dance all night

Roll die

Champagne on me

Pop

Bottles

Step on the throttle

So much fun

So

Hard

You might just waddle home

Since that one clearly needs no comment… on to this guy. I’m leaving out his handle because, apparently, it’s his whole name. But he’s 33 and this is what he thought would “woo” me enough to give a response:

Hello,

How are you?

I have to admit, you are a 9 on a 1-10 scale,

would you like to find out why you didn’t quite make the 10? Regardless, with you being a 9,

that is just perfect.

I want to meet up with you in the near distant future.

I’m not sure how real this is but soon enough we’ll find out.

So many questions here: 1) Where did it say I  gave a shit from shinola about what rating I got from you? Also, why are men obsessed with this rating system? (See here.) I don’t care why I didn’t make a 10 because a) I couldn’t care less about being rated and b) it’s clear from this message the reason you are still single is because you think telling women what they “rate” in your mind is a way to win their heart. You CLOWN. 2) Why is it “just perfect” that I’m a nine? 3) And “near distant?” Like Back to the Future? When you say, “real this is,” do you mean the internet? The connection you’re feeling over OKCupid? 4) What is up with this weird spacing? Okay I’m done.

Until next time…

The narcissist

Let me tell you all this story. For some reason, initially, I had a slight instinct that this may be something that only women in LA deal with — or Taylor Swift. (Love all the Swifty comparisons?) However, upon venturing to Texas this past weekend and chatting with a friend in Chicago, these types men (narcissists) are wreaking havoc (and hell) all around the U.S. As my friend Shauna puts it, “Good men are a dying breed.”

Don’t get me wrong. I’m still hopeful. Surely Clay Matthews will exceed any expectations I may have. (Sorry, I had to.) But how discouraging is it when you go on date and meet guys and they aren’t able to fulfill your expectations? Not just the “maybe he’ll be a keeper” expectation, but even the “maybe we can be friends” expectation?

Or worse, you have no feeling for them at all. You don’t hate them, but you don’t like them either. It’s disappointing. I get it, you’re not going to have sparks nor get along with everyone, but it would be nice to “feel” something, if that makes any sense. I guess that’s God’s way of weeding out people you’re not supposed to be with?

Back to the Taylor Swift reference. I have a theory regarding Swifty: she only dates gays. She’s the Beard of the Year, my friends, and she will date the gays until the cows come home. This serves her two purposes: she doesn’t have to do jack crap with any of them, and when they break up with her, she can write about what a-holes they all are. I mean, she doesn’t knowingly date them because they’re gay. She just wonders why none of them have attempted to grab her boob in, oh, 10 months. The only person, I believe, wasn’t gay? John Mayer. I think he’s probably a real freak in the sheets and has probably flushed the opposite way (how I feel about most men who have had their pick of way too many women), but he’s mostly all for the ovaries.

SO, what I’m definitely not trying to say here is that I date gay men. Nope. I can confidently (well, 99% sure) say that all of my exes were straight. Unlike Swifty, I have a great gaydar, so I know when a man wants a hug-kiss-kiss routine or wants the horizontal handshake, if you get my drift.

Ed is a dude that saw me doing pilates and cardio kickboxing at the gym. I can’t emphasize how CREEPSTATIC it is when a man approaches a female at the gym. Anything you say is going to be weird. “I saw you breaking a real intense sweat in class!” “You have a great body.” “Let me teach you how to properly lift those dumbbells.” “Is your colon swollen?” Just kidding on the last one, but that definitely made me laugh.

I was racing out to my car (it was starting to rain) and he followed me there. It was real creepster-esque and it made me jump when I turned around and noticed him.

“Hi… I’m Ed. I saw you doing pilates and cardio kickboxing. You have a lot of stamina.” (See what I mean? Awkward.)

“Uh… thanks. Who are you?” (I know, rather bitchy.)

“Haha, you’re fiesty! I’m Ed.” (Being a bitch means fiesty if you say “yall” and have blonde hair.)

“Okay, cool.” Awkward silence.

“So, I saw you and I was wondering, do you come here often? Because I have been wanting to take classes and didn’t know how they were.” (Unlucky for me, I am a talker.)

“Oh yeah, they’re great. They get crowded so come early.” Notice the zero ethusiasm in my punctuation, as depicted in my actual tone at that point.

“Well, you have a great body so I need to do whatever you doing!” At this point, I give him the death glare, which basically insinuates “You’re a creep” or “Go to hell,” when he does something that puts me at ease.

The hand flop.

“OH — no.” Hand flop. Shakes his head.

Do you know the hand flop? It’s basically when you’re holding your forearm up towards your shoulder, elbow bent, while the hand flops like a dead fish. Most commonly seen depicted in the movies to insinuate a male is homosexual.

At this point, I made a schiesty move and gave him my number. I figured having a gay accountability partner would great given it would force me to the gym and since most of the gays I know are super critical of people’s appearances, I would work extra hard to not look like a fatass.

So we hit up a few classes. He asks if I’m going to Zumba. Yes. I am. And let me tell you, his hips don’t lie. No man should be able to move their hips like that. I was confident that I had a single homosexual male on my hands, no questions ask.

Maybe after two classes together, I pretty much drop his calls because a) we wouldn’t talk during class, which was bizarre and b) I have nothing tied to this friendship. Apparently Ed was invested because the weekend my cell phone was stolen, I got my new one and had four voicemails in eight hours from him. Side note: voicmails annoy the crap out of me. Unless you’re confirming an appointment or telling me I won a million dollars, there’s no need to blab for five minutes when I can just call you back.

He’s texting me every other day, and at one point I’m at the gym, on the tred, and he’s texting me:

“Hey Kirbie! I think I saw you walk in to the gym. Come by the weight area and say hi!”

Of course I ignore this and finish up my workouts, then peace out. I have no desire to see this person, nor do I think I could have picked his face out of a crowd at this point.

Then, on a Monday morning, after endless no responses and straight up avoidance, I get this gem at 7:30 in the morning:

 

Things:

  • “Gave” you my number? More like I pitied you.
  • “Must have been attracted or interested…” False. Neither. Way to think too highly of yourself. Also, let’s remind ourselves that I’ve avoided your calls and texts for four weeks straight.

The follows up that text with something along the lines of, “I promise you won’t regret it :)” which really pissed me of because I’m already regretful of giving out my number and I hate it when men use smiley faces. So I respond with with the following, that I wish I had saved:

Hey Ed. Two things: A) It’s a tad inappropriate to be texting at 7:30, especially since I’m pretty much a stranger. B) I am sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, however I have a serious boyfriend that I’m very much in love with and I’m not looking to date anyone else. I stopped responding to your texts and would appreciate if you would stop sending them. Thanks for your understanding.

He wrote back with a “I’m sorry, I had no idea about your relationship. Good luck with that. Also, I didn’t realize 7:30 was too early.”

I had been up since 5:00 to work out, but it doesn’t matter. It’s not kosher to be texting someone you don’t know before normal business hours. Plus, this is LA, ED! Half the people here work nights. I’m semi concerned that this issue was so pressing that you felt the need to hash it out at 7:30 in the morning… Furthermore, “You must have been interested or attracted”? Really now? Instant turn off. Not like I was remotely attracted in the first place.

My point is this: why are men such idiots? When looking for a potentinal mate, I don’t ask for a lot. I’d like for him to be a man’s man, with a good heart, who is witty and intelligent, but not overbearing. I think most women will agree with me when I say I want a man. Someone who is confident in his own right but is always humble and does what is right because, well, it’s right. Not someone who is going to boast about everything, or change who he is for people to like him, or act like a child who has no control over his life. Who stays true to his word, isn’t a flake, and doesn’t play games.

Is that too much to ask?

Ladies, can I get an amen?