Tag Archives: advice for men

Who You Gonna Call? Obviously Not Me, Because You Ghosted Out

When I heard about men just “ghosting out” on my friends, I figured, ignorantly, something must have happened that caused it, or that it they weren’t giving me the full story. How does a guy just disappear, never to be heard from again? Unlike that time I had a legitimate crush on Casper the Friendly Ghost, aka DEVON SAWA, I don’t fancy men that peace out like they’ve crossed over to the afterlife. That’s pish-posh. It’s like hearing stories of women finding their husbands and boyfriends on Tinder. And by “finding” them, I don’t mean they found “the one.” I mean they were already “the one,” and they were on Tinder looking for a side chick.

(That’s actually happened to people I know. DAMMIT.)

So I should have known better than to think it could happen to everyone else but me, but alas, there I was, thinking it couldn’t possibly. And then it did.

Twice in a row, actually. Little back story on both:

Guy 1: We’ll call him… MM. He was on a popular reality show, and I was setup through a friend. He seemed normal/nice enough, given being on television. (I’ve had really odd/obnoxious situations with people on TV.) He was professionally successful, and my friend told me he was a nice, standup guy. And frankly, it was the first time I was excited to go on a date! I didn’t feel dread; I didn’t feel like it was a chore. I was happy to go out and learn more about him.

I was impressed by the fact that he reached out to me almost immediately after my friend gave him my number, and I was really thrilled that he called me on the phone to organize the date. Talking on the phone these days is so rare. People are scared to pick up the phone — I used to hate talking on the phone, but now it’s like I crave it. It’s a more sincere connection than just sitting and texting with someone. You have to actually pay attention when you talk to someone on the phone.

For the date, he picked me up, took me out for drinks… and that’s when things got a little odd.

About halfway through the date, I excused myself to text my girlfriends in the bathroom: “This isn’t going well. He isn’t into me.” He didn’t do anything that would make me think he didn’t like me, unless you count the fact that he asked me one question about myself (maybe) in a matter of two hours. Most of the time was spent talking about his professional life, his personal life, his family, his time on reality TV,  and somewhat talking down to me about sports. (He wouldn’t have known that I know a lot about the subject — he never asked.)

It’s pretty typical of men in LA to sit and gloat about themselves, and I feel sad that it’s a rare trait to find someone who seems interested in what I have to say. Some of you might be thinking, “but your job is to ask people questions for a living. Maybe you weren’t giving him a chance?” I have to say that, if anything, this makes me more aware of other people and how they act, react and their body language — none of which seemed to express interest in me.

Anyway, I was relieved when we got the check and decided to go. I was bummed that he wasn’t interested, but I tried to shake it off. When we got back to my apartment, we sat in his car for a few minutes listening to Big Sean and Drake and laughing (I equate this to men reciting poetry for women back in the 1600s), then he got out, opened my door and walked me up to the porch area, WHICH I LOVE! Because that’s chivalry, people. Anyway, no smooching happened (like you care? oy)  but he did ask me out for the next night, much to my surprise. And I thought, “see, Kirbie! You have to stop writing people off. Maybe you’re meant to go out with him and a real connection will happen!” (I clearly have been watching too much of The Bachelorette.)

And then I never heard from him again.

Ever. again. Bye, Felicia status.

Guy 2: I have known this guy for a few years, because he was my former neighbor. He was married. He is not married anymore.

While that is all true, the real reason I connected with him was because OF TINDER! Sue me. He was cute. I wanted to go on dates. You know, put myself out there, embrace the law of attraction, all that jazz.

He was the first person that came up in my matches. So I asked my roommate if I should “heart” him or not, and with her encouragement, went for it. What did I have to lose? If it wasn’t a match, he’d never know. And I felt comfortable, given I knew him (albeit not very well).

The short of it is that we went on two dates, which I thought went well. No spark immediately, but I wasn’t trying to rush anything. After our second date, I told him to call me the next day, and he laughed and joked it was “too soon.” Surely no dude would openly say that out loud and NOT BE KIDDING, right?

Well, joke it was not — because he kissed me goodbye that Saturday night, and I never heard from him again.

The end!

The point I initially was going to make was: don’t be a coward! Politely tell a woman you’re not into her if you aren’t. But I guess that’s weird, and quite assuming on your part to think she would even care. Given my interest level in both guys, I was confused, but I wasn’t devastated to not hear from them again. But part of me is curious as to why I never heard from MM, especially since he made the effort to invite me out for the next day, and nothing terrible or deal-breaking happened on the Neighbor Boy dates.

Granted, I could have said something that they didn’t like, or they could have been turned off by my weave…? (RIP Ashley!) (Actually, they definitely had no idea about Ashley because she was put in flawlessly. She was undetectable.)

So what is my point? I don’t know. Maybe it’s to ask what you think is appropriate in this situation: do you ignore and avoid? Or are you upfront about everything so there’s no questions? Is blowing people off soooooo 2000 and late? I want to know what it all means!

When you ghost out on a woman, what’s your reasoning?

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Dudes Wanna Know: How Can I Fix My Mug?

I get various texts and Facebook messages from dudes asking me about beauty advice. Yes, real men who want to know more about their skin and how to take care of it!

So here’s my annual “This is how to take care of your face, dudes,” post. If you have questions, email me at mentervention@gmail.com and I’ll keep you anonymous.

KEEPING THE MUG CLEAN

1. Exfoliate 1-2 times a week

You guys have it great because you exfoliate every few days — it’s called shaving. This instantly takes off layers of skin, plus your hair, so that’s why you guys look like you age in retrograde (George Clooney) and 55-year-old women in Hollywood have issues getting roles playing people their own age. Chances are, though, you aren’t shaving your forehead or nose (maybe you are? I’m not here to discriminate, as I shave my own face. I know you’re probably disgusted by me now, but there is no hair on this mug outside of my eyebrows), so you need something you can use once or twice a week to exfoliate your entire face AND prevent ingrown hairs after you shave.

Low-end option: Mix brown sugar with olive oil to make a paste, and use it to scrub your skin.

Middle grade: Kiehl’s Oil Eliminator Deep Cleansing Exfoliating Wash, $22

High-end: Clarisonic. Yes, that contraption your girlfriend has. If you wonder how sexy beasts like Charlie Hunnam or Idris Elba have gorgeous, clear skin, chances are they have a Clarisonic. (I don’t know if they actually own one.)  If your girlfriend or wife has one, get another brush head and share. It times your wash, so you know how long to spend on each area of your face. The brush bristles remove dirt better than a wash cloth and it’s kind of like a spa experience you can get down with in the shower.

Ryan knows what’s up.

If you buy your own, there’s a $99 travel option (the Mia) and the $149 option (the Mia 2) and the Aria ($199). I’m going to be honest: I don’t think there’s a huge difference. The Aria has 3 speeds instead of two, it’s bigger; the Mia is smaller. They all come with a charger and usually a face wash made by Clarisonic. You will need a cleanser to use with this, but use something gentle (not an exfoliator).

2. Cleanse

The rest of the week, you should be cleansing your skin twice a day, plus every time you sweat. (Don’t act like you’ve never thought about skipping a shower and going straight to the Playstation after a workout…)

You should have a mild cleanser that gets rid of dirt and bacteria. If you deal with breakouts, I’d suggest avoiding acne cleansers, because some tend to be too drying to use both morning and night. Spot treat instead.

A nice cleanser that has zero sulfates (which can dry out your skin) and a ton of aloe (hydrating) is Ursa Major’s Fantastic Face Wash ($26). You need a dime size amount. Put on your fingertips, and lather it on to damp skin for a minute, then rinse with cool water.

BONUS: Are you getting old as sh*t? Or feel like you’re quickly approaching that point? Find a cleanser with alpha and beta hydroxy acids. It’s very easy to find these, because they literally say it on the bottle. Or, they’ll say they contain:

Lactic acid

Glycolic acid

Salicylic acid (found in acne treatment products)

Citric acid

A great anti-aging face wash+ acne-clearing wash: Peter Thomas Roth Anti-Aging Cleansing Gel ($35 – but on sale here for $17).

3. Protect and Hydrate 

I would separate these, but I figure if I can get you to wear sunscreen, I’ll try to make it easy on you. SPF MOISTURIZER SHOULD BE YOUR JAM. Melanoma has been on the rise for the past decade. If you are in the sun or drive a car, you are at risk of getting melanoma. Please wear sunscreen.

Minimum SPF you should be wearing: 30

Type of sunscreen: there are chemical sunscreens and physical sunscreens. Try to go with physical sunscreens, which are titanium dioxide and zinc oxide. Many people complain of the white residue they leave behind, but I’ve found several that don’t — for women. Finding a good SPF 30 moisturizer made with physical sunscreen for men has been a doozy for me to find, so here are a few that combine both physical and chemical sunscreen:

MD Complete Anti-Aging Sunscreen Moisturizer ($25)

Dr. Lancer Sun Shield ($48) (just sunscreen)

Kiehl’s Facial Fuel + UV Guard ($38)

4. Breakouts and Ingrown Hairs

Do yourself a favor and get this Drying Lotion from Mario Badescu ($17). It helps take down the size of the blemish and the redness. If you have an ingrown hair, slap some on the sucker! It will make it come to a head so you can pop it and get the hair out with tweezers. (You’re welcome for that visual.) (PS: every dude should own this pair of tweezers. Precision is key.)

Like I mentioned earlier, the exfoliation step will help with your ratchet ingrowns.

5. Blackheads

Do you have blackheads? That’s disgusting. (Just kidding! Actually, it’s more distracting than anything, so fix it.) My brother is going to kill me for sharing this, but the first thing I do when I see him is give him a facial and get all of the effing crap out of his pores. It really makes all the difference.

Things you can do to help keep your pores clean:

Wear sunscreen! Seriously. Blackheads aren’t dirt. I mean, they are, but the reason why they’re black is because they’ve been oxidized by the sun. The more you know.

Use a pore strip once or twice a month. It’s disgustingly satisfying seeing all that gunk come out on it.

Use a face mask once a week! This is not a joke. If you don’t want to spend a ton of money, get over to Target and grab a Queen Helene Mint Julep Mask ($4). The mud is going to help remove impurities from your skin.

Michael Bublé sings and uses face masks. He is a woman’s dream.

However, if you want to go for the gold, Glam Glow Mud is the best. I’ve gotten all the guys in the office hooked on this stuff. It’s $69, but you don’t need much. Don’t pile on the mud. Instead, smooth a thin layer over your skin, let it dry, then wash off in circular motions.

6. Night time moisturizer

You need to moisturize your skin every night before you go to bed, because your skin is dehydrated between the hours of 11PM and 2AM. This will help with keeping your skin looking youthful, too. I’d suggest Clinique for Men, but if you don’t want to try it, head to the drugstore and pick up an anti-aging face moisturizer that women use (like Olay).

Clinique for Men Maximum Hydrator ($32)

And remember, if you really want to keep your skin in pristine shape, stay in a dark hole, alone, where you won’t be tempted to eat crappy food, be stressed, laugh or smile, since all of those can create wear and tear on your skin.

Full list of items I suggested: here.

I Do Declare: Take No Sh*t in 2015

Many people resolute resolve (sue me, I’m tired) to “start” things in 2015:

  • Start working out
  • Start calling your parents weekly
  • Start living your passion

For me, it’s simple as not doing something. And that something is this:

dealing with bullsh*t.

Apologies for the language, but it’s really the only way I can describe it. I’ve done this in the past — putting up with treatment I don’t deserve, or doing things for people that I really don’t want to do, just to appease them. And when I say past, I’m referring to as recently as December 31st, 2014.

When you’re in a relationship, you’re willing to put up with crap because you’re tied to the other person. Not literally, obviously. And not by law in some cases. But because you’ve shared experiences with them, and because you care for them more than just on a friendly level, you deal with things that might not be acceptable.

But ask any woman, and she’ll tell you that she’s probably put up with her own fair share of shiz from men who aren’t her significant other — people she has no obligation to. They’re people she knows on a surface level, or she used to know really well, but doesn’t know them personally. Or hasn’t seen them in years.

I have done this with all kinds of men: acquaintances from my hometown, guys my friends have dated; guys I used to date seven years ago. My dad likes to call me a bum magnet, and went as far as to ask me where I found these “complete psychopaths.” And I figured out that it’s not me finding them. It’s them finding me. (And that’s the truly horrifying, if not comforting part of it all — I didn’t seek them out.) I’ve been (mostly) single the past five years, so some of these situations are not romantic interests.

I’ll give you a few examples:

This dude.

A person I knew from Texas has contacted me recently, buttering me up for God knows what reason — but I know there is one, because I know there are ulterior motives involved. (There’s always at least one motive these days.) I am polite and thank him for his compliments, but I’m not giving in to his requests to meet up. Because you know what? I don’t want to. I have zero obligation to, actually. I’ve been down that road with him, and frankly, I don’t need the association, and I also don’t need the drama or exhaustion, either. He’s not my boyfriend; he’s not my brother… I don’t want to deal with it. He’s brilliant, and wish him all the best, but until I see a change in his behavior, we’re not getting drinks, and I’m not following him on Instagram. (And I’m not holding my breath, either.)

The last example involves an ex on New Year’s Eve. I don’t know why I refer to him as an “ex,” because we barely dated. But it lasted long enough, and he asked me not to see other people, so I guess we were in a relationship? If we were, he had a peculiar way of treating me like his girlfriend. Anyway, we had a very turbulent romance, and I was absolutely humiliated by the end of it.

Two years ago, he ended up asking for forgiveness, let me know he got his life together on various fronts, and he apologized for everything he had ever done to me. Considering I had forgiven him years ago, I was thrilled he had reached a point in his life where he could find peace and comfort in himself and with God. And our conversations, although few and far between, since then were great. But the NYE conversation went south BIG TIME. It got to a point where I was genuinely uncomfortable and struggling to find a tactful response (cue thousands of emojis). I even avoided the conversation for a few hours. Basically, it went from me making a joke about making out (which we had a few times — he was my boyfriend once, after all) to him crossing the line and making a few comments that would make anyone blush. I was so baffled and infuriated by the whole thing that I told him I was sad for him if he was drunk, and I was also sad for him if he wasn’t. I didn’t do anything to provoke or lead him to those comments, and the fact that he thought he could talk to me like that really pissed me off.

This angered him, and thus came all of the condescending, terrible comments that I was once accustomed to receiving back in college. You know, when I was 19. News flash: I’m a grown woman now. I’ve lived a life. A small portion of it, but still, I’ve had a lot more experiences in this world now than I did at 19. Needless to say, I wasn’t having it.

I don’t deserve that type of treatment, and by the way: I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN YEARS. I’m disheartened to think of how he would talk to someone he’s regularly dating. Mostly, I’m disappointed that nothing has changed.

I ended up cutting the cord right then and there. You know why?

I don’t need the bullsh*t.

So do yourself a favor, and stop the bloody madness. I’m ripping these situations straight from my life and my friends lives (sorry!), so I hope you can relate and will move forward this year by:

  • Ignoring your ex’s calls and texts. They are not strong enough to stop contacting you, so you’re going to have to grow a pair and do it yourself.
  • Stop feeling bad for people who bring problems upon themselves. They have to want to change themselves.
  • Stop believing people will change, when they consistently prove to you that they can’t and won’t. (That’s what we like to call “madness.”)
  • Stop falling back into old habits and relationships because it’s “comfortable.” You’re missing out on the better experiences waiting to be had.
  • Stop doing things just because other people want you to or depend on you — people who have no business depending on you in the first place. I think you should have empathy for others, but learn to love and protect yourself first.

Here’s to taking no sh*t in 2015.

x

Take the Hint

With an all-male crew on my set on Friday, I found this to be the perfect opportunity to ask a question:

“A guy will not stop texting me or trying to hang out with me, and I’ve made it clear that I am not interested in either. What do I do?”

Their immediate answers:

“Tell him you have a boyfriend.”

“Stop responding.” 

I explained that I have ignored him, on more than one occasion. Scroll through my phone and you’ll see a graveyard of texts received, sometimes three times a day, to the ghost that is my phone number. I have to say, it’s a bit admirable that he persists without any response.

He’s gotten to me a few times. Some because I was annoyed; another because he made it sound like he might have a good career connection for me. And since I’m an equal opportunist, I’m always looking for ways to get further in my career. I should know better than to fall for these antics, because each time it’s obviously a tactic to get me to respond or get me on the phone.

I cannot tell this person I have a boyfriend — he would be able to figure out that it’s a lie. (Or would he?) And that got me on a tirade: why do I have to lie to a man to get him to leave me alone?

Many of my friends would argue that if I am not interested, I’m pretty blatant about it. (To me, if I’m annoyed and with a group of girls, I have no qualms telling a dude to buzz off.) But a majority of the time, I’m polite and friendly. However, if I’m not interested in you, I shouldn’t have to fake that I have a significant other to get you to leave me alone. But that’s what it comes down to, doesn’t it ladies? How many times have you been at a bar and a guy comes up and talks to you… you engage in a nice conversation, but it’s not going anywhere and you can tell right off the bat you aren’t interested or attracted to them. He asks for your number or to hang out (or whatever) and you say “that’s so sweet, but I don’t think so,” and the guy goes, “why? You have a boyfriend?”

When you tell them it’s because you’re not interested, you’re a bitch. Or they persist, trying to sway you otherwise.

Sometimes persistence is charming. You never know why a woman has her guard up. But more than likely, we know where we stand, and we’re not interested in taking the conversation any further. So for you to badger us about “why we aren’t interested” really makes things uncomfortable. We are human, and we can be polite, but that doesn’t obligate us to go any further than small chat at a bar. And just because we’re engaging in conversation doesn’t mean we’re attracted to you!

The sad part about this story is that the guy is not some random dude at a bar. He was a guy I knew. But at the same time, we hung out maybe… maaaaaaybe… three times total? Yes. Three times. Usually in the company of a mutual friend. So his random persistence to see me and hang out really made him suspect, in my opinion.

At one point I thought this person would be a good friend. My definition of friend: makes me laugh, we can sit and not have to fill the air with chatter, and not hitting on me. I have guy friends from elementary school, who I’ve known forever, and who I have kissed. I see them and we pick up like old chums and it doesn’t affect the relationship. But I guess that changes when you become an adult. I tried to test the waters with this person, meaning the “friendship waters” and let me tell you what happened: he tried to hold my hand all night as I literally told him “no” and “stop” a cumulative 50-100 times; he had taken my phone and posted pictures of us together which a) is as total invasion of privacy and b) lead me to believe he was just doing it to make his ex upset.

And after all of this goes down, and I have flat out said “I am not attracted to you” (read: back off), he tells me that I wouldn’t have worn the outfit I wore if I wasn’t trying to get him to do all of those things.

Are you kidding me? I can’t wear an outfit I feel good in — an outfit I wore, frankly, in hopes of meeting someone else, not him — because “I’m asking for it” if he tries to hold my hand or kiss me?

For whatever reason, (maybe I blacked out or something) I decided to give this guy another chance. After a several weeks of not responding/politely refusing to see him, he invited me to a party that I thought (again) would be a great place to meet people. When I told him that this was just a “platonic hang out,” and “no funny business,” he wrote me “no promises” and that he didn’t want to be told from the get-go what wasn’t going to happen. This is after he had told me, several times, that he was okay with being “just friends” and merely liked hanging out with me. I am an idiot.

I tell him that I am dating someone (see? It keeps happening) and I don’t want to push him off me all night. And then he responds with “maybe I should take someone else, yeah?”

IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING? You know that I’m not interested, that the only possibility of hanging out with me would be in a friend capacity, and you have the audacity to decline the invite because you don’t want to be told “no”? That’s dangerous. Actually, that’s predatory.

Quote: “I’m just asking you to not go into it having any restrictions. I wanna have fun and I’m not saying anything is going to happen. I’d just rather not be like I can do this I can’t do that.”

After telling him I wasn’t going and to have fun, he ended up inviting one of my friends, who, not shockingly, said no as well.

Guys, let me tell you something: making a woman do anything that she isn’t comfortable with? That’s predator behavior, and it’s something that none of us (as women) should trust. If you tell a guy all night long that you aren’t interested and to stop touching you, stop trying to hold your hand, stop anything — it’s not your fault that he keeps persisting. It’s his.

And if he’s willing to go that far in public, imagine what would happen if you were alone.

Anyway, gents: do yourself a solid and read between the lines. Women tend to back off if a guy we’re interested in straight up stops responding to our texts or calls. I’d suggest you do the same.

You’re Doing It Wrong: Asking Out a Woman

I’m jogging to Starbucks after my morning workout around 7:30 AM. I’m in tight compression pants and a long-sleeved Under Armour top that has thumb holes, which makes me feel like I’m training for The Hunger Games. The exact kind of motivation I need to jump-start my (previous) morning ritual of hitting the gym.

My gym is a good eight minute jog from my apartment, so instead of drive, I figure I should work in the extra cardio, take in the fresh air, and get my mind clear for the day. Working out is therapy for me — I can outline everything I need to achieve for the day, meditate on my goals and give thanks for what I’ve been given. And I can daydream about going on tour, developing TV shows and traveling the world to my iTunes soundtrack. (This particular morning, I am playing Taylor Swift’s 1989 on repeat — its been out approximately nine hours.)

As I get half a block from Starbucks, I stop the jog and start to walk. That’s when a black car pulls up beside me. A gentleman waves his hand at me. Oh, this guy needs directions. His mouth is moving while “just take me home!” in Taylor’s signature shout is being pulsed into my ears. Out come the earbuds.

“Hi! So do you live in the Beverly Hills area?”

“Yeah.” (I lie. I’m adjacent. And I’m not telling you where I live.) “But Beverly Hills is about three minutes west of here.” I point to where he needs to be.

“Oh yeah, I know that. I was just asking if you live over here.”

“No, I workout here, so I jog to the gym in the morning.”

“Gotcha, that’s cool. I just moved here, I mean to Beverly Hills, from Marina Del Rey.”

This guy looks harmless, but I’ve fully realized that this isn’t a directional intervention. He’s trying to figure out how to ask me out. It’s too early for this. I’m not caffeinated. 

“That’s cool…” I keep silent. When you’re quiet, people are almost forced to fill the silence. I’m eager to hear how this is going to turn out.

“Do you jog a lot?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s great!” (He looks into his passenger seat for something — I’m assuming his phone or a business card.) “Do you mind if I get your information? I’m looking for a jogging buddy.”

Sooooooooooooo here’s the thing. I know women complain that men aren’t spontaneous enough. We say, “if you find us attractive, approach us! Ask us out! Take initiative!” I have said all of these things. But usually, it’s assumed that we want those things to happen after we’ve given you several social cues, like looking into your eyes from across the room or touching your arm or giving you a hard time. Or hell, kissing you in the middle of a dance floor. It doesn’t matter how, but the point is that we’re giving you the go-ahead to approach us. Sometimes (mostly in movies), a guy will approach a woman at a bar (think Ryan Gosling to Emma Stone in Crazy Sexy Love) and he charms his way into a date with her, and she initially acts uninterested, but then it all works out. Those instances are not completely inconceivable, but they’re the exception, not the rule.

Driving up next to me because you saw me jogging (from who knows where?) and asking to be my jogging partner is not idiotic — it’s unsettling. Why, you ask? Besides the obvious “who the hell are you and how long have you been watching me?” factor, jogging is such a weird thing to ask a woman to do within two minutes of speaking to her. I politely declined to give out my information, and told him jogging was a personal thing for me. And I’m not lying — it is. I like to listen to my music and keep to myself when I work out. I’ve been on hikes with several dudes, and those were fun and all, but it’s also semi-embarrassing going on a first date with a guy and you’re literally about to slide down the hard trail at Runyon and you’re out of breath and the guy is asking you questions about your family and your life pre-LA, and you’re sweating like a maniac. (I swear that some men use this as a gauntlet tactic to see if I can hang or not.) I enjoy the outdoors, I like working out, and I like adventure, but can’t you save this for date three or four? Once the basics are out-of-the-way?

I feel bad for men, because unfortunately, women have to worry about things like being kidnapped, raped and stalked. Not saying men don’t deal with these things, but statistics show women are more likely to be in danger of them. So approaching a woman you don’t know, in a car, on the side of the road, behind a building, and asking her to come close enough to the car “to get her info” is most definitely not how you should try to ask her out. (I know my mother is reading this, and no, Mom, I stood about eight feet away from his car. You’re welcome.)

Men, I want you to approach women and ask them out. But I want you to be smart about it. Don’t ask to be her jogging buddy. Don’t follow her in your car like a weirdo. And don’t ask her where she lives within a minute of seeing her.

Messages I’ve Received on OKCupid

Guys. I’ve been SO INTO MTV PROGRAMMING lately! What is wrong with me? I’ve been an MTV baby from the get-go, but there were a few rough years around the time I graduated college. And now they’re back on track with this sh*tstorm of a show, Are You The One?, which is actually genius. It seems scripted at some points, but I like the premise and wish I had come up with it. Not to mention, the revamped version of The Real World is complete madness, which makes fabulous television. I just wish they would have kept the old school docu-style cameras a la the Hawaii season. Side note: COLIN AND AMAYA FOR-EV-ER. (I know there will be people reading this who won’t know who either of these folk are, and for that I will cry a single tear.)

That had nothing to do with anything. Moving on…

Alright ladies, what’s the worst pickup line you’ve heard? Have one in mind? Okay, take that, then imagine the guy peed himself while delivering it to you, while wearing a shirt with a naked picture of himself on it. That’s what it feels like when you get messages from (most) men on OKCupid: it’s more second-hand embarrassment anyone should have to deal with.

OKCupid is free. You get what you pay for. Which is, in fact, nothing, except for these offensive messages. Some are offensive in the sense of being vulgar and foul, but most are offensive because the grammar is so poor, the try-hards are in fact TRYING THE HARDEST, and overall it’s just a disappointing experience. But it’s free, so you feel like you haven’t lost anything. (Except your dignity…) So you forge ahead and hope someone fun, charismatic and maybe even attractive comes along! But don’t hold your breath.

I won’t get off of the site because I know that the messages would make great fodder for Mentervention. Without further ado, here’s what to do on OKCupid, apparently, if you’re a man. You can thank me later, dudes!

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED Email incessantly, like these guys! Nothing is a bigger turn on than unappreciated persistence, self-doubt, and essentially talking to yourself.

Guy A

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Guy B

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“If you’re interested, please say hi.” Oh, thank you! I didn’t realize that was the next step when you were actually interested in conversing with someone. You’ve shed new light on this site for me. And “if you were still interested in getting to know each other”? Not sure how I gave you that impression, as I literally DIDN’T WRITE ANYTHING.

Guy C

ImageThis is not an application for The Bachelorette. A short paragraph would suffice. Also, “not sure how this online stuff works?” We have bigger fish to fry here.

INSULT ME! Reverse psychology, right? (Or make a craptastic joke that doesn’t get you anywhere.)

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I’ve always wanted to go on a date where the dude tells me ahead of time he might not be attracted to me. Very reassuring! 

DEGRADE ME! Women love being talked dirty to before ever meeting in the flesh. It’s like a sex hotline, only with the written word! (aka ICQ chat rooms circa 1998.) 

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If I wanted to play a game on the internet, I’d accept all of those Farmville requests on Facebook.

TELL ME HOW I WILL FEEL because you clearly know the depths of my soul, all based on my online dating profile and a bunch of idiotic questions I decided to answer.      

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CREEP ME THE F-CK OUT.

Screen shot 2014-03-13 at 8.43.40 PMI imagine Jeffrey Dahmer saying something similar to that first message to his victims.

That’ll do for now, but more excerpts would be riddled with spelling and grammatical errors, condescending tones, and simple hellos which, as you can probably guess, don’t elicit any responses.                                      

If any of you have actually found more-than-decent, spectacular men to date on this site, hats off. In the meantime, I’m going to keep collecting these messages for more posts.                      

Items You Can (and Should) Steal From Your Girlfriend

After living in LA plenty of years, I never thought I’d be into the type of guy that spends a lot of time on his appearance. I guess I never really thought about it, but men care just as much, if not more, than women about how they look. This is fact! I know this because I see my brother checking himself out every time he catches his reflection. (Sorry Nick!)

That being said, I was used to the guys from the south who, for the most part, easily pick out an outfit of jeans and some type of polo or t-shirt, sneakers or boots, and call it a day. They don’t moisturize. Grooming consists of a haircut, a clean shave, and deodorant. And I loved that! I should be the one taking the most time to get ready, not you.

But approaching 5 years in Los Angeles, you get exposed to a variety of men — whether you want to or not. There are those great southern gents who dress and groom exactly as I have listed above. Then there are the men of questionable sexuality. (“Is he gay?” is something I frequently have to ask. And as it turns out, I’m most attracted to gay men. Figures.) They groom themselves impeccably, they care about their skin, they care about how their hair looks; they aren’t into last-season anything. Most of them are total asshats.

And then there are the guys with their own style: the guys that are most attractive. They look effortless, but put in some thought into their outfit. They have gotten a pedicure at some point in their life. But they aren’t trying to keep up with everyone else. They wear what they like, and they look damn good doing so. (Whether it be preppy, grungy, rock-influenced, hipster, corporate, and so on.)

That being said, I don’t really care what category you fit into. Just do you. But I do want you to take care of yourself. And even if you don’t want to run to Kiehl’s and by yourself a decent face wash, there are a few items you can sneak from your girlfriend (boyfriend, wife, fiancé, husband, whatever) to get yourself looking and feeling good. While some of you might think this is weird and you would never borrow any of these things, let me remind you that it’s only weird if it doesn’t work. And these all work. (Thanks Bud Light!)

Dry Shampoo

1. Dry Shampoo

If you have great hair, I love you. The longer, the better. But having a brother with a mop that rivals One Direction’s quiffs (and I say that as a compliment), I have seen the effort that goes into making that bedhead look perfectly imperfect. It requires wetting your hair every other day (when you are not showering) and roughing it up with your hands. That seems like a ton of unnecessary effort, so let me do you a solid by suggesting dry shampoo. Women have been using this for years to add texture and absorb unwanted oil, in order to prolong a blowout that probably cost around $85 ($40 if she’s hitting up Drybar).

I used a little bit of Oribe’s Dry Texturizing Spray on Nick’s hair the other day and he thought I was nothing short of a genius. “What is that? It smells good.” Instead of having to lean over into the sink or shower to wet his hair, it gave him instant lift and eliminated the matted look — and he didn’t even have to wet his hair.

Oribe’s is nice because it doesn’t look too feminine and doesn’t smell too feminine either. However, any dry shampoo your lady has in her bathroom will do the trick. There are options for men, like Axe’s Defying Dust. Alternatively, if you want something with zero smell, shake a tiny bit of baby powder on your scalp and comb through with a brush. (Don’t go overboard though, or it will look like dandruff.) (Here are a bunch of dry shampoos to choose from.)

Men's Moisturizers

2. Moisturizer

I don’t understand men who don’t use moisturizer. My skin would look like a prune without it. Newsflash: if your skin appears to have a white film on it, it’s because IT’S DRY! Grab your girlfriend’s face moisturizer — she should have plenty — and slather that on, especially after you shave. If it says SPF 30 on it, that’s better, because that will help block UVA/UVB rays and keep you looking young and handsome. Which really, what else could you want in life?

3. Conditioner

I also don’t understand men’s hair washing habits, and I won’t try to. I need both shampoo AND conditioner, and they have to be separate. But this isn’t about washing your hair. It’s about shaving. If you are out of shaving cream, grab your girlfriend’s conditioner and use it to shave your beard. It’s going to leave your skin silky soft and, because it doesn’t lather, will allow you to get a closer shave. I know people go back and forth about lather and how it’s crucial/not crucial, but you can ensure a more even shave without it. Be forewarned though: if the brand of conditioner includes Kérastase, Oribé, Pureology, Bumble and bumble, Alterna, or anything that looks super fancy and not from the drugstore… think twice before using it.

4. TWEEZERS

For the love of all things holy, pluck your unibrow. If your eyebrows are a mess, groom the stray hairs. Invest in a small pair of nail scissors — or better yet, stick with the theme of this post and borrow them from you partner — and trim them a bit. You’re not Bert (as in Bert and Ernie, or, Burt Reynolds would be a great example here as well) so keep them under control. I do not need you to wax them or anything of the sort. Perfectly groomed brows on a man? Chances are, you might be a Dawan Radé. (The term my girlfriend Beezus affectionately calls gay men — actually spelled like Duane Reade, as in the drugstore, but she got fancy with it.) Also, don’t avoid your nose hairs.

5. Blemish Cream

Most guys I’ve been in relationships know a few things about me: don’t expect to leave a bar without me performing a full dance routine (incorporating some of my favorite Britney moves), and I’m OCD about my skin. So whenever I’m staying the night, you can bet my face looks like a speckled egg, with dots of pink calamine from Mario Badescu’s Drying Lotion strategically put on any blemish I may have — or think may be coming up. (Have I mentioned that I’m ridiculously sexy?) I’m sure other women do this as well. So if you deal with ingrown hairs from shaving, or you have a blemish that won’t quit, borrow those acne creams and slather them on the spot ASAP. Sometimes my brother thinks he’s breaking out, but because he’s in a rush to shave, he actually just caused a few ingrown hairs. All you have to do is put any type of benzoyl peroxide/salicylic acid cream on it overnight to draw the hair to the surface. It gets gross from here, but follow me: once it looks like a bona fide blemish, you can use a needle (WITH CAUTION) to pop it, and then can pluck out the hair out. Fin.

Or, you can use it to bring a blemish to the surface so it’s easier to remove. It’s better to extract the sebum that’s clogging the pore than dealing with it for months on end. Also, do yourself a favor and get a facial with extractions every once and while. Nobody has to know. If your girlfriend is a picker, she’ll probably get joy out of picking your face — it’s free and you can do it while watching Sunday football. I don’t know anyone who actually enjoys that though…

Oh, and if you want, here’s the magical Drying Lotion I speak of. Use a cotton swab, dip it in the bottle — all the way to the pink sediment — then pull it out and apply it to your skin. Do not shake the bottle or you won’t get the most out of the medication.

And that’s your official invitation to get sneaky — by borrowing your girlfriend’s products. That should satiate your need to do anything secretive, and it won’t even ruin your relationship! Unless you use up all her La Mer face cream. That’s grounds for a breakup.

Things You Need Not Do If You’re Trying to Take Me on a Date

As my irritation with the male population continues, I have to remind myself that I am actually attracted to men and that, most of the time, they’re just so darn loveable! I usually remind myself of this by looking at a picture of Harry Styles.

S’CUTE. SOOOO CUTE.

So why would I be irritated, you ask? (Have you read this blog before?) I mean, perhaps I am hard to please, sure. But after discussing some qualms with my coworker today, I realized that I am in the right about these irritations. 

THINGS YOU NEED NOT DO IF YOU ARE TRYING TO DATE ME, SON.*

(*Or anyone, really.)

1. Send a cryptic message about who you are

If I dont know you/barely know you, it is not in your best interest to message me with “Hi, It’s Ben.” Ben WHO? The kid I had a crush on in 4th grade? My brother’s best friend? Who the eff are you? This first communicative message would be the ideal time to identify yourself. Therefore, if you are messaging me to ask me out, please indicate how we met — and immediately. A “Hi, It’s Ben, I met you at that Nylon party with Jennifer two weeks ago,” should suffice. Identifying how we met and where is always a great option. That way, if I still don’t remember you, I’m the real a-hole.

2. Ask me out to lunch

I am not a man, but are you trying to put yourself in the no bone zone? (Not like that is going to happen, get a grip.) If I agree to lunch with you, it’s because I do not find you attractive or I feel like you may be homosexual. Nothing wrong with either of those, but it definitely means I am not trying to see the relationship progress past chatting over a sandwich for 30 minutes. Also, I am not trying to drink at lunch, and sometimes you need a cocktail to endure a first date.

There have been way too many men, in general, asking women to go to lunch for a first date. (Polling the office, obviously.) Do people take lunches these days? This is a foreign concept to me. And any lunch I do take is not going to spent trying to get to know someone, unless that person ends up being a new employer or is discussing a business venture. Or one of my parents.

*general note: while I do not take lunch because I am usually working, I do get the opportunity… but I don’t typically because the valet situation at the studio is obnoxious*

ANYWAY, if you expect to ‘wow’ someone in a 30 minute lunch (which, by the way, would be just 30 minutes — because traffic is a nightmare here), think again. I may respect that you are not trying to take up too much of my time, but really? I’m not trying to get romantic over a lunch portion salad and an agua fresca.

3. Date my friends

Hey, novel concept here, but if you dated one of my friends, get lost. I am not trying to date you. Unless I have her blessing, I am not doing it. Furthermore, I do not want to date my friend’s sloppy seconds. And last time I checked, I am not attracted to anyone they date because I am apparently attracted to people that none of my friends find attractive either. (And thank God. It makes going out in a single group of girls a lot easier.)

Also, I am a Capricorn. By nature, I assume you want something from me if you are nice to me (bad habit), so if you had dated my girlfriend and then were a little too friendly/touchy-feely with me at that party I randomly saw you at, in the immortal words of Dionne Farris: I know what you’re doing. I know you’re trying to piss her off and make yourself feel better about yourself. Please take your issues elsewhere.

4. Send me text messages or emails with emoticons/emojis

Listen, do I enjoy sending 17 cat emojis in a row to my coworkers? Yes. It’s gratifying, for whatever reason. But please do not send them to me if you’re asking me out. I know this is wrong, but judgements will be made. I need to feel like you are mature, a bit mysterious, and maybe even SEXY! (God help me!) And if you are sending me “;-)” or that emoji that’s attempting an air kiss, you are not sexy. You have solidified it for me.

There are levels to this. You are between Defcon 1-3 if you send emojis, depending on what they are. And if you send me a @—->—– (a rose) or a :^) you are most definitely hitting Defcon 4 or 5. Emojis can be forgiven at times, emoticons are the kiss of death.

Ryan Gosling could ask me out to dinner in Paris, but if he sends me a “thumbs up” emoji as I’m driving to dinner, I’m having that Porshe he called for me turn around. “Cough cough, I’m sick.”

Save emojis for an inside joke with a friend or your parents. And don’t even think about sending an emoticon. Ever. To anyone. And if you’re worried that I might not get your sarcasm or sense of humor, try giving me a phone call like a normal human.

5. Ask me what I “want to do”

Please take the reigns here. If we end up driving around for 30 minutes trying to decide on what to do after dinner, or where to eat, or where to buy the bottle of wine — do me a favor and drop me back off at home.

Men make decisions. If we’re going with comparisons here, please be a Schmidt in this situation, not a Nick Miller. (If you don’t get these, please ignore.) Men make reservations and say, “Hi, I will pick you up at 7:00 and was thinking dinner at _______________ would be nice. Sound good?” Not “So I’ll grab you around 7:00, is that okay? And we can go from there.” NO. No we can’t. At least by saying “sound good?” you offer me the opportunity to let you know I hate pizza, so that old school Italian pizzeria you wanted to take me to isn’t the best idea, but if they have other options that sounds great! And “we can go from there” is maybe the worst thing you could say to me, because the last thing I want to think about is that I could possibly be trying to entertain a guy I barely know in a car for 30 minutes while we decide on where to eat.

One of the best things in life I have learned is that sometimes you need to take action and show people what they are missing*. Not let them marinate on it and have time to decide whether it’s good or bad. Just jump into it and commit! (*This sentiment should not be taken in regards to sexual activity. I’ve warned you.)

So there you have it. Thangs you need not do if you’re tryin’ to take me a on date, y’all.. And not just me — any woman you’re trying to date. Capeesh?

Also, aren’t I doing a great job of showing that I am truly a happy-go-lucky, goofy, go-with-the-flow type of gal? Because I am. I AM. (!!!!)

For Pete’s sake.

It’s normal to hate your friend’s boyfriend

Friendship: one of the most coveted relationships you can have the honor of being bestowed with. Friends are the family you choose for yourself, yeah? Chances are, some of your friends know more about you than your own parents. I can say that I have a group of friends that I can count on one hand that have known me over half of my life. These women will probably have more memories with me, of me, and know more about me than my future husband ever will. They will remember what I looked like in elementary, middle and high school; the idiotic things I said and did in college, the first place I lived here in LA.

But with the glory of having a comrade to engage in debauchery with, to gripe with and to go through social awkwardness with also comes the crappy parts of having that friend. Perhaps it’s holding their hair back. Perhaps it’s trying to get them to put pants on. Or maybe it’s the inevitable: the fact that, at some point, you will hate their boyfriend.

Maybe hate is a strong word. You may hate them, but you may also feel many of your friends are selling themselves short with the people they’re dating.

I can’t.

As a friend, you have the short end of the stick. Not only do you have to hear all the good points (the first dates! the sweet gestures! the engagements!) but the terrible things as well, which can range from cheating, name calling; when they spent a large amount of money without consulting you first, dinner with an ex behind your back, flirting, arguing, multiple breakups, and, sadly, if he’s been abusive.

As friends, these are the burdens we take on: to love our friends unconditionally, lift them up, and try to help advise them when it’s necessary. But it’s hard to forget those terrible things when a reconciliation comes about, because the last thing we want is to see our friends end up with someone unworthy of them in the long run. Sure, nobody’s perfect, but why settle when the red flags keep popping up repeatedly?

When you’re in your teens, or even in college, you don’t tend to worry about these relationships because, more than likely, they will fizzle out, fade, die — whatever you want to call it. But as I’ve gotten into this thing others like to refer to as “adulthood,” (I prefer “4 years of Ramen or Lean Cuisine?”) I have gotten increasingly more neurotic about my friends. Mostly because they’re all dating or have dated jackasses, and also because, outside of work, my life consists of hanging with said friends or going to the gym.

“You are meddling in their lives!” you may be thinking. No, I am not. When you love someone, don’t you want what’s best for their own physical and emotional welfare? I do not want anyone I know walking down the aisle, only to get the big D four years later. (And by “big D,” I am referring to divorce.)

At first, I wondered why so many of their boyfriends were such idiots, and then I wondered what my own problem was. Newsflash: It’s normal to not be keen on your friends’ boyfriends from time to time. In fact, so many of our friends these days are worried about the option of being alone that they tend to cling to people not worth their time. So it’s normal to hold a grudge, be bitter and still be weary of said boyfriend who has broken their heart or done an unforgivable thing. Because more than often, at this age, if our friends aren’t married (like, no kidding, 90% of mine, thank goodness), they’re dating some idiot who doesn’t have his shit together. It’s true. Said shit could be their job, their emotional state, their spending, their drinking, their education… the list goes on.

Let me backtrack for a second. Some of my friends’ boyfriends, exes, or whatever their defined as these days (some of them are in relationship limbo) are great people. People I’ve had great times with, people I adore, and even people I consider a friend too. But guess what? They don’t have my allegiance. I might like these two people as individuals, but together? To the left with it.

While you would like to brush this whole “feeling” off, it’s almost impossible because it can affect your life in a few ways. It can make your life a living hell because all your friend does is spend every waking minute with this person and they’re always around, NO MATTER WHAT. So you have to hear their arrogant, self-satisfying babble when you could not care less.

Or, it can ruin your relationship with your friend. She cares too much about him at that point. Women tend to put on their Boyfriend Goggles(TM) in relationships. They impair everything! Good decisions get thrown out the window sometimes, so you’re more than likely getting kicked to the curb until she figures out this lowlife isn’t loyal, isn’t going anywhere, and has no real attributes she should be attracted to.

Or you can deal with it and drive yourself nuts.

I used to spend my time thinking about how I was going to tell my friends I couldn’t stand their boyfriend, and what a terrible decision it was for them to (move in, get back together, quit their job for them, etc). It was like the nagging thing in the back of my head. I am classified as a Stage 5 Helper, and these girls NEEDED help! Didn’t they? Didn’t they need me to tell them everything that was wrong with their relationship?

If you don’t know the answer already, it’s no.

And you know what? That’s why it’s never happened. Because I realized something. Well, two things. More than likely, these women know, deep within their hearts, it’s not right. That there are too many red flags for this to be the real deal. And sure, they’re probably ignoring it for now so they can enjoy the time they have left, but ultimately they know in their heart it’s not “it.”

Second, it’s not worth it for me, and not for you as a friend, either. It’s not your battle to fight, your mountain to climb, your experience to go through. If they are in physical harm, obviously reach out to the appropriate parties to keep things safe. But emotional harm can be just as damaging, and I understand how hard it is to walk away and not say something when your friend just got prescribed a new pair of Boyfriend Goggles.

At the end of the day, you can cause a bunch of drama by speaking your mind and probably get nowhere because, let’s face it, we’re all adults. Your friend is going to make her own decisions. You can say something, or you can love your friends, advise when necessary, and hope they get some sense smacked into them at some point.

I will say that I have been vocal with one friend recently about her relationship, and it takes a really special friendship to be able to vocalize something like that and have them respect what you’re saying, knowing it’s coming from a good, honest place. Some of your friendships won’t be able to handle — let alone make it through — a conversation like that. Even your best friends.

So mind your mouth before you try to offer help and advice.

How To Reject a Man

Death. Taxes. The Cowboys choking. Rejecting someone you don’t want to date.

Yes, these are all things that are definitive in this life.

Rejection is a word I hate. I think it’s so pompous to “reject” someone. Like they’re an object so foreign that you have to reject them from your life. Ugh. It’s the worst. word. ever. I prefer “notify them that you like them as a person, but are not interested in moving forward.” And at times it’s more like “notify them that you don’t like them as a person because they are a complete (insert descriptive noun here) and you most definitely won’t be moving forward with any type of interaction.” But those are too long, yeah?

Anyway, I’m a fraud, I admit. Aren’t I supposed to offer sound advice and encouragement when it comes to breaking up or calling it quits? Probably. But  when it comes to letting people know I am not interested, I can’t close the deal.

I am going to admit that I am way too empathetic. I imagine how I’d feel if I were on the receiving end of this conversation. I get nervous I might hurt their feelings, so instead of straight up saying I’m not interested, I pretend to be too busy to ever see them again. (Partially true.) Or, I will not respond to their attempts to go out again. (I know, it’s awful.)

I’ve asked a lot of people how this should go. How do you tell someone you aren’t interested in them? I am not the Queen of Dating by any means. I don’t have men lining up to take me out. (This is LA, after all!) But if we’re going to remain realists here on Mentervention, I must say that I haven’t dated a guy in a while that I’ve been super eager to see again. The giddy factor is missing. A CRUCIAL FACTOR, FOLKS. I want to feel like I’m 17 again. Surely that feeling can be replicated. (Surely???)

Most dates are failures in terms of finding a mate. I think it’s because I have a clear idea of what I’m looking for in a man. And not just physically — although tall, determined and handsome doesn’t hurt nobody! These guys… they all have great attributes, but “Dreamweaver” hasn’t started playing in my head when they walk in the room.

Just to clarify, I don’t openly go around asking people for advice on how to let someone down gently. It’s just that whenever I casually mention that I have a date, people tend lose their damn minds. “WITH WHO!!!!! OMG!!! WHERE DID YOU MEET!!! LET ME SEE A PIC!” You’d think I had just won the $600 million Powerball with all the fuss that is made. (And should I be concerned that people are that excited when I get a date? Like I’m the perptetual single chick or something? Dear lord.) So they obviously do a follow-up  to ask how it went, and my response is pretty much as follows:

“He’s nice, we had a good time, but I don’t see it going anywhere.”

I mean, I should really redefine the term “good” because it’s not usually “good.” Good is like, we LOLed three or four times together, we held hands at one point, and I know I am going to see him again. Maybe a kiss was involved?! I don’t know. (I’m not that old-fashioned.) In most cases, I should say that it “sufficed to keep me occupied and he was a friendly person.”

So, how do you reject a perfectly nice guy, who bought you a drink (or two) and you might even see yourself being friends with? And they’re asking to see you again? But homie don’t play that?

I’ve had a few good answers given to me. A guy friend said to be straight forward, Band-Aid style. Hit them with it right off the bat, be quick, be nice, throw in some humor if you can. Just don’t lead him on. Men would rather know immediately that you’re not interested. Which, is logical, considering I would want to be told the same way.

My makeup artist said she found the perfect term to use, and she was right. “Tell them you had a great time, but you don’t think you’re a match.” Perfection. You did enjoy yourself, you like them as a person, but there’s no gray area when it comes to if you do or don’t want to see him again.

But how do you do you deliver this message?  Now usually I am a huge proponent of phone calls because it’s a lost communication form these days. I love talking on the phone, unless you are a publicist pitching me a product. (Don’t do that, by the way. Emails only.) That wasn’t always the case — but here, calls are my saving grace, considering all my closest friends and family are all living a solid 1200-1300 hundred miles away from me. (I know this for a fact since I have many of them on Find a Friend, an app we skillfully downloaded in Vegas, just in case one of us decided to wander off alone or happened to lose our phone.) But if you can get away with a text on this type of rejection, especially with somoene you just started to see, you can probably get the point across better by writing them instead of talking it out.

And on that note, if you are in a long-term relationship and you are rejecting someone through a text message, you are an asshat of epic proportions, and you should probably not be dating anyone, but instead taking some “me” time. Because that has “issues” written all over it.