Menterventions

Reject a woman and she will never let it go

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HOLY HELL. It’s all fun and games until The Bachelorette strikes a chord.

First off, bravo, Bachelorette producers. You found a way to not only mess with Ashley’s heart, but also her self image. Because as if Ash doesn’t have enough issues about the motley crew she has to deal with, they throw in the “you have flaws” component and boom goes the dynamite. In case you’re a male reading this, and you don’t watch the show, here’s what happened:

– Ashley decides to take a group of men on a date, which is actually a roast. You know, how people roast Donald Trump, The Hoff or Pamela Anderson? This, in fact, is not only the most riveting and entertaining date in the entire history of the show, but it’s possibly the smartest. Genius, really: take a group of guys to roast the girl they’re all trying to date. This, my friends, is the equation for complete failure. The guys most certainly won’t be able to decipher if they should get competitive and take the roast seriously, or if they should spare Ashley’s feelings. If I were The Bachelorette (this has ‘separate blog post’ written all over it), I would request that this be a second or third group date FO SHO. Why wouldn’t you? It weeds out the idiots ASAP. If you have common sense and know how to woo a lady, you know what’s acceptable and what isn’t, i.e. not harassing a girl about her looks or features that cannot be changed.

– With all that said, it appears most of these guys have not one brain cell. While some of the guys play it safe, an absurd amount of guys give her crap about her small rack, or as they say, “small tits.” As in, small ta-tas. As in, furiously and continuously reminding her she has small boobs, that most guys are ‘boob guys’ and she doesn’t have them, blah blah blah. The hilarious part is that there is this one dude who wears a mask every episode who revealed himself last night. He hides his face so Ashley will “get to know the real him”, which sounds nice, except boyfriend is hella boring, a total buzzkill, and appears to be hiding his age more than anything else. During the roast, homeboy is like, “Hey Ashley, wait, what is that? (Looks at the floor, squinting.) Oh yeah, that’s right. I found your boobs.” HAHA????  And with the quote of the night, Ben “I look like Josh Groban/I wear a bowtie”  F. (I actually really like Ben F. even regardless that he cannot pull off a bowtie) is like,

“This guy hasn’t even revealed himself 15 minutes and he’s all like, Boop, ‘Here’s my face, you have small tits.'”

What-the-hell-did-he-just-say William

– The Bastard of the Ball ends up being the guy most of us fell in love with last Monday, William. OH William. Let me tell you about Baby Boy the Prince:  He looks just like the Duke of Cambridge (that’s Prince William, the guy that just married Kate) — the better looking version. William lost his dad and was absolutely precious, but everyone was concerned when he admitted most girls break up with him and end up marrying the next guy they date. He has a track record of this. It’s probably a flaming red flag, but we didn’t know why… until tonight.

He not only talks crap about Ashley’s cup size, but manages to also make her feel like crap about — get ready — being HERSELF! She comments on how William and she had the best date of all so far, and how he seems to know her the best, so his roast will be funny. Instead, he comments about how he was disappointed she wasn’t Emily or Chantal O., two girls most of America was hoping would be the next Bachelorette. It was brutal to watch. (PS: Google them.)

– Then Ashley is sobbing in a corner and this royal dillhole named Bentley (who, not surprisingly, is the best looking on the show) comes over to (direct quote) “mess with her head” because, well, he’s a royal dillhole.

#BentleyBlows

Let’s get something clear, gentlemen. Yes, I’m talking to you. Because only gentlemen read this blog and none of you would ever do this crap, right? I’m going to quote Kris Humprhies because THIS QUOTE is the single most true thing I’ve read in awhile:

“Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.”
 
So, minus the two last sentences (guess he wasn’t cray-cray in love with Kim yet), ZING! Uhhhh why in the Sam Hill did any of these guys feel it was okay to start harassing her about her chest size? I mean, really? Didn’t you people learn in grade school about women and their breasts? As in, DON’T TALK ABOUT THEM unless you like them?  I’m going to direct quote my 42-year-old boss: “Kirbie, I know because I am one: men are animals. They’re pigs. Filthy.” (Examples: Weinergate, The Governator, Tiger Woods.)
 
Listen, I get it if you’re roasting a close friend or something, poking fun is, well, all in good fun. But the girl you’re vying for love from? Negative, ghostwriter. I applaud the guy who had enough brain cells to only jab at the rest of the contestants and not Ashley herself. To the guys constantly knocking at her boobs, I want to punch them all in the face. YOU ALL ARE IDIOTS. IDIOTS!
 
True life: every woman has had a man in her life say something about her physical appearance that tears her to shreds. She picks herself up and pieces her back together, but she never forgets those times.
 
For me, the guys I date always talk about how short I am and kid that they wished I was a few inches taller. Now, I know they didn’t have bad intentions (debatable, given who we’re referring to), and they weren’t trying to be critical. In fact, most guys I dated were complimentary in some fashion and made me feel pretty. And it wasn’t something they consistently joked about, but when it would come up, it was like, “I wonder why they keep mentioning it?” It slowly took a toll on me, when before I had loved being my height. Why do other people have to rain on my parade?
 
Why is this always brought up? I don’t know. I don’t think men usually think about the future, but I think they think about their future children’s height and how it affects their athletic prowess. Two things: You can have a short wife and birth tall children (see Drake & his mom). Also, shorter athletes make great shortstops and point guards. They still have a chance, bro! THEY STILL HAVE A CHANCE! And I’m not really even short by most social standards.

 

Well… that was not the tangent I wanted to go on. No hard feelings, bygones are bygones, but I wish all of them would have laid off that one thing.

Now I’ve learned that no matter the situation, even if someone else wants me to change or doesn’t appreciate things I literally cannot change, I do appreciate them.  I like my curves, my stomach, I wish my legs where smaller but whatever; I like my feet and my hair. Why should it matter if someone else doesn’t like my inherited traits? Obvious answer: because they are people I care about. Those words resound the most.
 
So, after divulging all this private info, what am I trying to say? Seriously guys, I don’t care if you’re just dating a girl, getting serious or have been together for four years, but your words can lift up us or tear us down. Be wise with them.
 
Even this morning, Joel Osteen reminded me the power of words with Proverbs 18:4, “A person’s words can be life-giving water; words of true wisdom are as refreshing as a bubbling brook.” (New Living translation) Just a few words can reignite somebody, or break their spirit.
 
You always want to make your girlfriend (or whoever) feel good about themselves. Talking about their unappealing physical traits (or lack thereof) doesn’t make us feel good. Constructive criticism is great, but harassing us about things we can’t do anything about? Uh, that’s going to be an issue… and it’s not going to get you in a relationship, get you laid… none of the above.
 
We want to feel like we’re beautiful, everything you could want and more — not less. Even if you love the fact that we have small boobs or a crooked nose or whatever-the-heck it is, if you tell us in any other way except “Your chest is perfect” or “I love that your nose has character” and so on, it’s going to hurt our feelings. Furthermore, don’t compare us to other women. Even if you do, don’t ever let us hear it. Once we feel rejected or not good enough, it’s going to be a long, hard fight to win us back over. How are we supposed to trust you? You hurt our heart. It’s going to take some divine intervention to get that back.
 
While your words can break our spirit, remember, they can and should be meant to lift us up! Why have the gift to help others and not use it? Take your words and use your them for hope, healing, restoration, whatever. In this case, the men need to use their words to comfort Ashley, but sadly, none of them seem to do the trick. All she needed to hear were two words: “You’re beautiful.” Or better yet, “I’m happy it was you.” Two to five words and her heart would be a little less achy. *Side note, learn how to comfort a woman. It will be one of the best tools you have to offer.
 
If you want to learn for yourself, don’t read these blogs. Just watch The Bachelorette. It’s pretty good at depicting what to and what not to do when dating. And it’s sure as heck more entertaining. As for William, we will see if she “lets it go” or if he is kicked to the curb in the end.
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Why successful men cheat? Here we go.

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The world is in a state of Mentervention and this one is going to be a doozy.  I already know I’ll be elliciting phone calls from Mom and probably my Dad.

After the news broke of the Governator’s tryst with his staffer and their secret love child, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach wrote an article entitled, “Why Powerful Men Can’t Keep Their Pants On.” While it divulges plenty of things that, well, aren’t divulgences at all (“Men cheat not out of a sense of entitlement but out of a sense of insecurity”), it offers a view men would benefit from reading.

Have you read the article? Good. Here’s the thing though. If the most powerful men cheat for validation, and then there’s your standard normal dude who cheats for validation, and then that dude who really has nothing going for him cheats out of validation, it leads us to believe this common theme:

All men are insecure.

Well that’s great. Because I know women have plenty of insecurities too, but the thing is that most women don’t go out and hump the first man they see because they’re getting more attention/validation from another guy.  If anything, you notice women becoming more clingy to the person they’re committed to because they have this sense of insecurity.

So why do men thrust themselves into inappropriate trysts? This is going to sound conceited, arrogant, and what not, but the pattern I notice is that the guy is always doing the horizontal hokey pokey with women who don’t compare, in the slightest, to their wife, girlfriend, fiance, what-have-you. Tiger cheated on Elin with countless women, all of which resembled crack babies. Arnold’s mistress? I won’t even go there.

I’m not saying that these women should be based solely on their looks.  Because we all know skanks can have a herat of gold!  Have you seen Pretty Woman? But also, these chicks are gold diggers and usually have nothing going for themselves. They work at bars and clubs, or as a staffer, nanny, whatever.  They freeload off the guy and meanwhile, the guy’s accomplished woman is out drumming up a political debate or saving the world. It’s sickening.

So where the confusion starts is when you break down the criteria for why men cheat, as it appears that there is literally no reason whatsoever stopping men from cheating. Men cheat because they’re insecure, men cheat because they need validation that they are, in fact, “the man”; they cheat because they’re too insecure in breaking up with their current girlfriend because they need someone who can be their security blanket.  They cheat for reasons like, “she deserved it” or “she did it to me” or “she was HOT!” Or, my favorite, “I was drunk.”

As a woman, am I supposed to be living in fear? I’m not the person who grew up wanting to hang on another’s coattails. I definitely didn’t aspire to be a wife or a mom. I’m not knocking these things. What I’m saying is I grew up wanting to make a life for myself, not for  anyone else.  I never thought about the component of bringing in someone else to upgrade my income. I’ve wanted to do it all myself and then find someone to join together with because it was something I wanted, not something I needed.

But now that I read that men are insecure about absolutely everything, I’m petrified. How am I supposed to find any man at all when I have bigger-than-life dreams? That I want to do the unimaginable? Have independence yet conjoin with someone I love when the time is right?  Am I supposed to lower my standards for myself to make my partner feel good? So that he feels like “the man” and feels like he’s doing better than me because that what gender roles have taught us over the years?  That men are more successful than women?

Listen. It’s been proven that more women attain college degrees than men these days. I highly suggest if you’re a man living back in the 1970 mindset that you take a second to re-evaluate what you want in a woman and how you find your security in life. Is security for you money? Is it making more money than your friends? Your girlfriend? Your wife? Is it having a family? Is it being #1 all the time? What is security for you? For me, I aspire hope that when I find a man, that he has a strong relationship with God. I can hear some of you scoffing at me for typing that sentence, but I realized that my confidence in past relationships was based on not only the man’s faith, but our faith together. And I also realize now that I am put at peace when I talk to a man who is strong in God. It’s calming, because they are not rocked by wordly issues or transgressions. There is nothing they are shaken up with that cannot be resolved, and they are always resilient; they are openly compassionate and calm.

So yeah, I think you can see why those qualities would put any woman at ease. And not just women, but men too. If you find a woman like this, it will help build a relationship instead of going through the motions.

If men are insecure about these things, however, how are we expected to find one person to be with, monogomously, for the rest of our lives? I think about this daily. I think about what I see in the media, what I witness at work, and what happened in my family — my biological dad was having an affair on my mother before she decided to get a divorce. It’s hard to not be suspicious of everyone! However, my past few relationships, I have never had any concerns. I’m always the most suspicious after the breakup though, because it seems like they all move on so quickly that it’s impossible they weren’t seeing someone else on the side.

But also, I think this article should read like this: Successful men cheat because women let them. I’m not placing the blame on us, because you men should have a shred of a conscience to keep you from doing these things. But ladies, have some dignity, shall we? Grab your morals by the balls and hold on tight. It takes two to do the horizontal tango, so even if the guy is being a douche bag and making a move on you, you don’t have to give in. You don’t have to let him be a pig to his wife or girlfriend. Someone on Twitter once said, “The world would be a better place if men were more loyal and women were less skanky.” Amen. The wise words of Twitter.

It’s true though. We can’t control others, but we can control our own temptations. So ladies, next time your body is telling you “yes,” listen to your mind when it’s telling you “no.”

To wrap things up… guys, get over the insecurity excuse. It’s not an excuse at all, frankly, and nobody pities the man with “insecurities” who cheats.

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You won’t regret it, no no

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Guys, word to the wise: every one of you should own this song. Various people have sang it, but it doesn’t matter which one you download. Just do it.

“Try a Little Tenderness” needs to be in your repertoire of soft jams because first off, the lyrics are amazing and mean something to any woman.  Young, old, in love or heartbroken, happy or sad.  Listen to the lyrics, take a hint or thirty, learn something about how a woman needs to feel.

Second, if you happen to have this on your iTunes and you’re cooking dinner for a chick and it happens to come on? Hold on tight, because homegirl is going to lose her shit. I can’t speak for everyone, but if some dude was in the kitchen making me dinner and then this song came on? Oh honey. It’s O-VAH. Basically you’re saying, “I have great taste in music. And I happen to know exactly what you want, baby.” (Even if you don’t… still a good way to divert attention away from your inability to please a lady.)

So if you haven’t taken my cue and downloaded the song/looked up the lyrics, here they are.

Oh she may be weary
And young girls they do get wearied
Wearing that same old shaggy dress
Yeah yeah
But when she gets weary
Try a little tenderness, yeah yeah
Oh my my, huh

You know she’s waiting
Just anticipating
A thing that she’ll never
Never, never, never, never possess, yeah yeah yeah
But while she’s there waiting
And without them
Try a little tenderness
That’s all you gotta do

It’s not just sentimental, no no no
She has her grief and care
Yeah yeah yeah
But the soft words
They are spoke so gentle, yeah

It makes it easier
Easier to bare, yeah

You won’t regret it, no no
Young girls they don’t forget it
Love is their whole happiness, yeah
But it’s all so easy
All you’ve gotta do is, man
Hold her where you want her
Squeeze her, don’t tease her
Never leave her, get to her
Just try, try a little tenderness, yeah yeah yeah
You got to know how to love her, man
Take this advice, man
You got to squeeze her
Don’t tease her, never leave
You got to hold her
And brother, something else
Try a little tenderness, yeah yeah yeah yeah
You’ve got to tenderness, now, uh
I tell you, don’t lose her, no no
You got to love her, tease her
Don’t leave her
Got to try, now now now
Try, try a little tenderness, yeah
Watch the groove
You got to know what to do, man
Take this advice
You gotta love and squeeze
Don’t tease my baby
Love her, lord…

Sing it, girl

See, I made it so simple.  I love the Amber Riley (Glee Cast) version of the song, but some other fine versions include:

  • Michael Buble (swoon factor goes up about 10,000 notches)
  • Chris Brown (he’s got a good voice, yo)
  • Otis Redding (the original)
  • Michael Bolton (I laugh every time I type his name, but he makes the song SEXY. Even more sexy than it is alone.)

and of course, Frank.  (Sinatra, duh.)

Take your pick gents, and thank me later! At least your girlfriend (or whatever you call her) will.

Menterventions

Mentervention: One Question

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I’m not trying to sound like a raging loon or anything, but there is nothing more annoying than when a man consistently brings up my non-existant “boyfriend” situation.

I don’t mind if I’m getting to know someone and he casually asks me if I have one. Actually, I don’t even mind if anyone asks at all. It’s when all they consistently bring up the “boyfriend” issue. Yes, I was single 24 hours ago… still am… shut. the. hell. up.

You guys know what I’m talking about. When you’re so horny that you’re chomping at the bit to see if your next conquest is available. If she’s single, cool, if she’s not, even better!

It’s sooooo juvenile when all you talk  about is why I’m single or why I broke up with my ex or WHY DOESN’T SOMEBODY LIKE ME HAVE AN AMAZING MAN IN HER LIFE.  First off, I do, I call him my father, and nobody is going to compare to him.  The day I do find that person, I will be his wedded wife. 🙂  Second, it’s a tiny bit offensive (while also flattering) that you’re rubbing in the fact that someone you respect (or something of that nature) doesn’t have a boyfriend, like that makes me less important or something.  Third, I don’t give a crap about being single, so why are you beating a dead horse?

But girls are not into this. In fact, it gets annoying. Much like we get sick of asking you to shower after your workout or brush your teeth before bed, or take out the trash when it’s overflowing, or anything we say while you’re watching the game that we have to repeat, it’s infuriating to have to explain ourselves 7,000 times. Nobody likes it,  it’s not cute or coy, and we’re completely aware that you find us attractive at this point. Not to mention we start to find you unattractive, dull and incapable of carrying on an adult conversation. No points won there.

It reminds me of high school when I would ask my best guy friend (who I crushed on, hard) who he was seeing and would want to know EVERY DETAIL because I was living vicariously through the stuck up hoe bag.  We know your alterior motive for asking is because you find us attractive. Otherwise, if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be asking at all, now would you?

Take it from me: if you’re curious about her dating status, just ask her  out on a date! Then she can be like, yes, or pretend she has a boyfriend to avoid an awkward situation.

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The fruit is forbidden for a reason

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ALRIGHT men.  Put on your seatbelts because I’m about to throw you all through the ringer.

What is it with you guys and women who are… shall we say… ‘forbidden?’

Maybe I’m just neurotic, but I feel like most men have a wandering eye.  Actually, you know what?  I’m tired of making excuses for myself.  I’m not neurotic.  I’ve had infidelity and disrespect in my relationships, and let me tell you, IT SUCKS.

via SewHooked.org

At first I thought it was just me, which is bullcrap, because why wouldn’t some guy want to make me their #1?  This is not a PSA to date me or anything, but as Daryl, the SVP of one of the companies I work for and the former Director of Retail Marketing for Nike (as well as Jordan Brand’s Global Marketing Director), put it, “You will make some man very happy someday, Kirbie.”

YES.  Not like I needed a man to tell me that in the first place, but it never hurts to hear that stuff.  Right?  I mean, he has credentials from Nike so that makes him important in my book.  (PS: that quote makes him sound creepy, but we were talking about basketball and who I thought should be traded to and from the Lakers, what I think needs to happen for Chi to pull off a win tonight, and more importantly, my new Nikes.  This obviously upped my awesomeness in eyes.)

So now that I’ve hopped off my high horse, like I was saying, at first I thought it was just me that was the issue.  But as it turns out, all guys like the forbidden fruit.  As if this wasn’t acted out in real life enough (Tiger, anyone?), Something Borrowed (the movie) made this even more plain and clear.

For example?

When Dex (who is cheating with his fiance’s best friend, Rachel) thinks Rachel is sleeping with some other guy.  The MINUTE he hears this (which buy the way, she’s not), he’s calling her incessantly, texting her a thousand times.  He’s all about Rachel the minute she grows some gonads and starts to ignore him.  Then, Ethan (Rachel’s bestie) confesses his love (“like”) for her, and says something to the effect that he liked her even more when he found out she was in love with someone else.

WHAT KIND OF SICK, TWISTED WORLD DO YOU PEOPLE LIVE IN?

Here’s how most women operate:

Go out to the club, bar, party, gathering, what-have-you —> meet a guy  —> have  a great conversation with him, and then one of three things happen:  1) Look towards the ring finger.  Anything on it?  Yes, proceed with caution. No, work some magic and see what happens.  2) Ask your friends about his relationship status.  Revert to the yes/no directions from #1.  3) Inquire about his relationship status during your convo.  Again, revert to the yes/no directions from #1.

See, women will always inquire about the/a relationship.  Why?  Because we’re curious, and we don’t trust any man to be loyal or honest to their woman. Because frankly, men, whether in a relationship or not, will flirt with other women.  Sometimes the girlfriend can be in the same room and he’ll flirt with another woman.  And of course the girlfriend will be pissed at the other girl, but really, we’re pissed because our boyfriends can’t seem to keep their eyes only on us.  And I don’t need any backtalk from you women who have found those guys who don’t “look around.”  Let’s just pretend all men are like this for this post’s sake, okay?  Thanks.

Don’t believe me?  I kissed a guy once, who, for the record, I was not interested in. (Pesky shots…)  Two weeks later, he admitted to me that he had a girlfriend, she was pissed (apparently as he was getting my number, she called and the phone answered, and she heard him talking to another girl),  and might or might not be calling my work to ask about what happened.  I mean, I don’t roll around kissing men who are taken.  I just assume if someone is going to lay one on me, they’re single.  But I guess that’s ludicrous at this point.

Is cheating on your girlfriend ever a good idea? No.  Is helping someone else cheat on their significant other (knowingly) ever a good idea?  NO.

More importantly, women usually back off from the guys with the girlfriend (unless they’re vengeful skanks that have Daddy issues and are in constant need of attention.  In that case, they’ll work harder to “steal” the man from their girlfriend.  Ladies, if your boyfriend takes the bait and actually gets with, or worse, hooks up with the vengeful slut… then you shouldn’t have been with him anyway.  May they be happy together in Hell.).  We’re not all like, “Oh, you have someone you’re with already?  That makes you even more attractive!”  Yes, I’ll admit that it seems like all the good guys are taken these days, but I’m not trying to steal a man from another woman.  I’m one of those chicks who puts herself in another woman’s shoes.  I’m all about the womanly bond and I’m not here to shatter it into pieces, ya hear?

I think it’s not so much the forbidden aspect of a woman, but the chase.  Even if a girl is single, if she doesn’t give the man the time of day, for whatever reason this makes her more appealing.  Maybe this even makes her mysterious to some men.  Who knows.  Ladies, if you’re looking for love, perhaps playing games with their heart works the best?  Oh LIFE.  So complicated.

Point being: guys, please, get your acts together.  If you meet a chick and she’s awesome, and you like her, or if you LOVE HER, and then you don’t act on it, and then she meets someone else, it’s your loss.  I fully believe that life works out the way it should.  So if you didn’t act on it, then maybe it’s because you weren’t supposed to.  If you did, then it will work out the way it’s supposed to.  But chasing after women who are hard-to-get is an effort to be saved for those women who are single, not the ones who are in a relationship.

Gracias in advance, and denada for the insight.  🙂

Menterventions

Womentervention: The Quarter Life Crisis

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DISCLAIMER:  This post is not meant to imply that every woman is chomping at the bit to get married, or that it’s all we think about.  Let me assure you, it isn’t.  But serious times call for serious measures, especially when you’re in a serious relationship.

There’s a theme I’ve noticed the past two years. I’ll be discussing life, love and the tribulations of dating with a girlfriend when she’ll mention a most-recent breakup she’s heard of or gone through.

Now, every situation is unique, but the common theme of these breakups?

The male’s quarter life crisis.

It goes something like this: Said male, approximately in his mid-twenties, and assumedly in the “almost ready to graduate” mode of his life, has a royal freak out. He pushes any and everything away from him in order to “be selfish” (I quote this because this has been a prominment one in many stories I’ve heard) and figure out his life.

I shouldn’t relegate this crisis to just those graduating at the tender age of 22 or 23. The most confusing and upsetting part of the quarter life crisis is I’m not sure when this period actually ends. I wish I could give you a definitive age range, but right now it spawns from 22-27 and the end is still TBD.  But this age makes sense because most of them are still in ‘frat boy- me me me- love the one you find at the bar tonight’ mode.

This freak out is inevitable. IT WILL HAPPEN. Trust me. But depending on the man, it will end up in one of two ways, based on the scenario. Let’s play a game.

Dating two years (approximately):

Dating map

Just started dating:

As you can see, the main factor in the “impending doom” result in all of this is if the man knows what he wants. If he knows what he’s doing with his life, and more importantly, knows who he is as a person, the relationship can survive (this is why you see most {not all} men who are ready to settle down have an established career and are financially independent — and they’ve been through a relationship or two).

Another important factor is if he wants to marry you: if you’ve been dating two years and the “m” word hasn’t been discussed; if you have no idea if you’re the woman he wants to get down on bended knee for in the future, it’s not looking good for you.  Sorry to start a riot, but it’s true. Because let’s be honest here: two years is a long ass time to not know those things. It should be enough time to figure out if you’re a person he can’t live with or can’t live without. So I’d just be prepared if you haven’t dicussed this yet. You don’t want to turn into that girl who dates someone for eight years and the guy ends up finding someone else who is “the one,” or the girl he’s dating for that long and figures it was the next step, although he isn’t too jazzed about the idea.

Don’t believe me? Why would you date someone more than two years if you haven’t discussed the prospect of getting married? Are you dating them for shits and giggles? Seriously, in all due respect, if you’re dating someone that long and commitment hasn’t been brought up, I’d venture to say that the guy doesn’t want to get married, but he enjoys the comfort of having a girlfriend for the intimacy and companionship.  Because no matter what any guy says, he’ll marry the person if she’s the right one (and he’ll at least make that clear if he doesn’t have the means to propose anytime soon). {NOTE: Kate Middleton knew Prince William for nine years and dated seriously for FIVE.  They took a hiatus in 2007 and are now married!  But I’d venture to say their hiatus was a real break-up and they did it right, none of this ‘break’ crapola, which made a reconciliation much easier.   Point being these blogs are not meant to be taken as scripture… don’t get your panties in a wad!}

Basically, you need one of those two: he needs to have career stability or he needs to passionate about being with you.  If he has career stability, there’s nothing holding him back from commitment, unless he has those dreaded ‘commitment issues’ or he’s just not that into you.  So beware of that.  But the one you should really beware of is if he doesn’t want to marry you.  If you don’t want to get married, perfect, but if you are dating a guy who has made it clear he doesn’t want to get married… it might really be that he doesn’t want to marry you.  I hate using this as an example, but remember Big?  Spent years with Carrie, left her for his ‘job’ — which we all know was an excuse to get out of the relationship — then married Natasha.  Screw the fact Carrie and Big end up married in the movie… I am convinced the third installment has them in a nasty divorce.  He left her at the altar!  And she’s always griping at him about watching TV in bed.  I’ll say it: Carrie settled.  She settled for a dude who she made out to be some mythical hero (and villain) in her books, and married him because she vastly approaching 50 in the city.  I digress, as per usual…

So what is this quarter life crisis all about?

I didn’t understand this because I thought it was completely selfish and terrible.  However, while it might be both, I get where guys get the anxiety.  Men are the born providers.  Most of them grow up with the mentality that they will marry and provide, shelter and protect their families.  When they have to stop hitting the beer bong and start acquiring a paycheck, things get scary.  They want to be able to be montetarily independent while doing something they love, yet most of them have no idea what they’re doing after college.  They just fall into a job that they can get and see where it takes them.  So when they meet a girl that they really start to fall for, it causes anxieties like, “if I want to marry her, where will I get the money to buy a ring?  What am I going to do to keep my job stability (but exercise my creativity)?  I want to feel important in my job.”  Blah blah blah.

This is a hard thing for women to digest because throughout any trial, tribulation, whatever, if they truly want to be with a guy, it’s not going to matter what they’re going through.  They want the companionship and love and support from that person.  But for whatever reason, some guys work the opposite way.

I say ‘some guys’ because there are guys that ask these questions, but at the same time maintain their relationship.  The difference is that those guys know that the girl they’re with is “the one.”  They’d rather drop dead than give her up.  I know this is going to ruffle some feathers, because it’s a tough pill to swallow.  But any guy who’s sold on the relationship doesn’t need to break up to figure that out.  Or maybe they do.  But most cases (i.e. the stories I’ve been told straight from the man’s mouth) are that if a guy needs space, all his eggs are not in your basket.  Doesn’t mean they can’t be at one point, but just know he’s not sold yet.

Silver lining:  I’m not saying that people can’t come back around.  But this whole ‘break’ business is so ridiculous.  Like, what is a break?  Are you monogamous but not talking?  Are you allowed to makeout with people but nothing more?  Because I know that if and when I find the one, he’d throw a few punches if he ever saw me locking lips with a dude that wasn’t him.

I’ve heard fabulous stories about couples breaking up and getting back together and being each other’s soul mates.  And I want that for everyone.  If the timing isn’t right then, I hope at one point the time will be right.  But don’t be stupid about it.  Don’t let someone walk all over you if they have made it clear you’re not their leading lady.  You’re worth more than that, girlfriend.

While I always say that these instances are the exceptions, not the rules, I have to state that I do believe if you’ve hit the two year mark and the prospect of marriage is dismal, you’re probably not meant to be with him.  But what you really should be doing is not taking my advice and living your life according to your own gut and best instincts, because your intuition is going to take you on the right path.  A womentervention will only be an easy way to pass time at the office.

So, guys, what do you have to say?  What do you disagree or agree  with?  Ladies, do you believe this to be true?

Menterventions

Mentervention 4.25: Make it known

Guys, it’s that time again….

What’s up with some of you? I think you expect women to read your minds. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: you need to be upfront!

Stop hiding your emotions. If you want to be with us, say it. If you are upset with us, express it. If you are hurting and need comfort, ask for it. Or better yet, let us comfort you! There is no shame in letting a woman you love (or simply care about) give you some TLC when you need it. That’s tender-loving-care, y’all.

Even more, if you miss us, love us, need us, think we’re beautiful, intelligent, funny, TELL US! There is absolutely no hurt in expressing those things to us verbally or through a letter. Honestly, you can’t go wrong by expressing how you feel.

When you hold things in, it’s detrimental to your relationships and moreso yourself. You know the saying, “if you don’t ask, you can’t receive?” That’s how life is. You can’t fix problems if you don’t lay them out of the table, you can’t overcome if you don’t come out with the issues.

In relationships, we understand you’re with us because you care about us. But that doesn’t mean you don’t need to tell us! Women enjoy hearing how proud you are of us or how great you think we are. We have egos just like you guys and sometimes they need to be fed!

More importantly, if you are harboring pent-up frustrations, we need to know it. You men can be so stoic. You guys put this immense pressure to provide on your shoulders, and in lieu of your own needs you try to accommodate ours.

Please make the distinction! We get it: you guys want to work hard to make sure we’re protected and comfortable, but if your job is getting at you or school is overwhelming or you don’t like that one thing we do that drives you up a wall, tell us (in the most courteous way possible).

Make it known guys. You are men, after all. Take the initiative to speak up, whether it be to vocalize problems or express love and affection.

We can’t read your minds!

Ladies want it, men need it.