My love don’t cost “a thing”… it costs everything

You know when you’re just meant to be somewhere? I was meant to be at the 11:00 service at Bel Air Presbyterian.

Before I jump into why I was supposed to be there, I should probably start with the resounding theme of this past week. The term that keeps popping up everywhere? “Single.” As in, I am single. NEWSFLASH: I am single. I am loving it. Now and again I’m like, “You know what? It would be cool to have a date and butterflies and the ‘spark’ and all that jazz,” but right now I’m okay with the fact that I can act like a heathen (aka drink and go out and have massive hangovers whenever I want)(get your minds out of the gutter) and not answer to anyone. Now, some of you reading may be like, “Well, Kirbie, you are single. So that isn’t something that should be out of the ordinary, or a surprise.” And it’s not. But for whatever reason, conversations this week pointed at my “single-dom” a lot more than usual.

I have never been someone who has been feeble or terrified of being alone. In fact, I think I thrive when I’m independent. Granted, I love being social and having friends (companions, relationships), but I don’t jump from relationship to relationship, and I tend to go long periods of time without significant others.

So there’s no desperate single chick here. Trust. But there have been several points this week where I thought, “Sheesh. It would be really nice to have someone.” And not just someone, actually — more like someone spectacular. Pastor Mark, on Sunday, talked about how friendships are one souls in two bodies. When you meet someone you have such a strong connection with, you feel blessed to have them in your life. I feel that way with several of my girlfriends. These are women I could be 100% upfront with and regardless of any argument or disagreement we may have, we fulfill each other differently than a significant other could. These relationships are just as important, don’t you think? He talked about having an electric chemistry that surpasses anything sexual or physical or even emotional. It transcends all of those mediums. And while I have that with a few close girlfriends, I sometimes wonder when I’m going to feel that with a man. I would like to feel as giddy as I do about my job with a really great guy.

Now, when has “single” popped up this week? I’ve been filming a special branded content video that depicts “a day in the life of Kirbie,” so to speak. It should be called “Trainwreck Central: My Emotional Life” (just kidding)(I might have cried on camera and talked about strip clubs). Seriously though, it’s my own little reality show (which has to be contained into three minutes). I was followed by a director, a cameraman and a producer for two weeks off and on and I have to hand it over to all of these reality show casts because that stuff gets old real quick, but I loved doing it. And after I called my mom to talk with her, I secretly wanted to have someone else to call.

And then, while grabbing ramen and a snocone with my girlfriend, I discussed how I’m literally the only bridesmaid in an upcoming wedding that isn’t bringing a date, and that I thought all of the bridesmaids would have a huge slumber party in the hotel, except that would be the last thing happening because ALL OF THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS would be with them. And I’m having to spend money on a hotel alone.

Then Mom brought up how we’re all going to Hawaii for Christmas: Dad & Mom, Nick and his girlfriend, Bailey, and then me and whoever I decide to bring. I know this sounds totally pessimistic but I don’t foresee myself having anyone to take (and not just because the Packers play on Christmas and New Year’s Day). I like being solo but there’s so much coming up this year that I’d like to have someone to share it with.

Anyway, at church, Pastor Mark talked about relationships and who our “family” is, and being single. He mentioned how hard it is for us who are single in LA because dating is a disaster. (True.) But he talked about how it’s okay to be alone. Now I have no idea what this life will bring me, but he mentioned that some people are meant to be single. I feel like I am supposed to be alone during this period of my life. I’m happy as a clam, and I don’t have to answer to anyone but myself. It was totally fulfilling to go to church, feeling a little bit of doubt in myself, and then being reaffirmed that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with just being me.

So, in true Mentervention fashion, I have to bring up some idiot that really ticked me off, regarding this topic. I cannot remember this poor imbecile’s name, but we met a few weeks ago at a bar in Santa Monica. I was enjoying a night out with the girls, when he approached us with the oh-so-original “is anyone sitting here?” line. (We let him take a seat.) I can’t remember what he was discussing but the subject of a very attractive gentleman came up between the girls. He noticed and asked me why I hadn’t gone up to the guy and introduced myself.

“Oh, haha, no, I don’t do that.” I shake my head as a “no way.”

Here’s when it gets good. Or bad, in his case:

“So can I ask you how long you’ve been single?”

“Two years.” (For good reason.)

“Okay. Don’t you think you’re single still because you won’t approach a guy?”

Valid. Then again, I don’t approach guys. I’m starting to get irritated. The rest is somewhat blurry, but THEN he says:

“Your girlfriends probably feel sorry for you and wonder why you’re still single.”

False. If my girlfriends cared about me being single, we’d have bigger problems. I’m not some Old Maid. I’m entitled to be single. Hell, Old Maids are entitled to be single too, if that’s their choice. Don’t make me feel bad about myself because I a) didn’t want to jump into a relationship right after I had gotten out of a serious one, b) I don’t approach men at bars AT 12:30 on Friday nights, and c) I am looking for something of substance and not trying to settle for just any dude that asks me on a date. The audacity of this entire comment of his is that he makes it seem like I should be out and about, searching for a man, just because I’m single. Sorry that I have standards and yes, I’m old fashioned, and I don’t approach men. The end.

After going off on him and explaining that he knew absolutely nothing about women (and clearly thought he did since, God forbid, I didn’t have a man to go home to that night), we parted ways. And, if anything, he reaffirmed one thing for me: why I’m choosing not to date anyone… right now. ūüôā

So, voice of reason time! Ladies and Gents: it’s okay to be single. Everyone else may be paired up, but whether you’re choosing to be alone or you’re not, know that having this time for yourself is for a reason. If you just broke up with someone, be still and be alone. It’s for the greater good. If you’ve been alone for awhile and you’re unafraid of opening your heart, be patient! It will happen in due time. And, if you are afraid of loving someone and getting hurt, know that it takes a large amount of sacrifice to open your heart and love someone else. It’s the most courageous thing you can do. Don’t deny yourself the opportunity of bliss and unconditional love, just because you’re scared! Like the title says — love don’t cost “a thing,” it costs everything. Alas, you might not understand why you’re alone right now, but it’s helping to better you for something extraordinary that’s coming down the road, when the time’s right.

Your intuition… it will lead you in the right direction

Ladies, guess what? Your intuition? Yeah, it’s there for a reason. The theme of “gut instinct” has been overwhelmingly present in my life the past couple of weeks, so I’m just going to take a hunch that I need to blog about it.

This video has nothing to do with this post except that it says “Intuition” too…

Many of my girlfriends the past three weeks have all told me something, in their own relationship, that they’ve had a “gut instinct” about. Either they knew they were going to be proposed to, or felt something was “off.” Listen loves — those instincts don’t come out of nowhere. It’s God planting little seeds to either prepare you or protect you.

For instance, I remember one night with an ex-boyfriend. We were with a group of people at a carnival of sorts, and overall I think we had a great time. But for whatever reason, as we were walking together through the crowd of people, my got a huge knot in my stomach. Something wasn’t right. I knew something was off, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

Fast forward a week. I remember at the time that said boyfriend had mentioned something about a girl named Paige being pretty, she was so-and-so’s friend and I didn’t really get to meet her — but I didn’t think twice about it. I’m not ashamed of what I’m about to say because EVERYONE DOES THIS so I’m not beating myself up about it (anymore at least). I went through his phone… while he was in the shower. Sue me!!!!!! ¬†I wasn’t suspicious (at the time) — just curious — and I remember not only finding a convo where one of his friends was talking sh*t about my uncle (super!!!!) but I also found a text between himself and a friend — about Paige.

Mind you, I had wanted to name my first born daughter Paige, but God knows that’s all out the window. Basically they were both fighting over this chick that they both met once because, apparently, she was SOOOO HOT that her blinding hotness meant more than their girlfriends they had been dating for who-knows-h0w-long at this point. So they were fighting over who had “dibs” on her. It was one of those moments that I vowed I’d never go through a boyfriend’s phone again. And trust me — I never will. And yeah, I ‘fessed up and confronted him. Womp womp.

Point being? I had an intuition that something wasn’t right, and I was correct.

So here’s where I begin the real honesty time. I don’t even know where to go with this because a) I had no commitment from this person but b) I would venture to say we were somewhat dating? I really have no idea. Everything is so dicey in LA when it comes to who you’re a dating and all of that crap. He was paying for dinner and at the end of the day, that’s a date, regardless of if you want it to be not — SO I’VE BEEN TOLD, given in college I went out with someone I thought was a friend, but he paid for everything, so all of my friends in turn told me that I officially went on a date. Super. Moral of that story: pay for your own crap unless you really like the guy.

Anyway, I had been “dating” this guy casually for a few weeks and we were having a great time. Or so I thought. WHO KNOWS, he could have found me mildly annoying but attractive enough to deal with, or he could have been smitten. I really have NO IDEA. What I do know is that he was helpful, fun, we had a great time together (or did we? Again, I’m pretty much lost at this point), and I liked being around him. We hung out a handful of times — maybe two handfuls; he pursued me, which I enjoyed, because as most of you know, I am the arranger/Mother Hen/person who tends to organize everyone, so any time a person goes after me, it’s attractive. Then I peaced out for the holidays.

Which is when things got kind of weird. No… they straight up just got BIZARRE. I don’t even want to talk about this because while I’m disappointed with how the whole thing turned out, I have no sour feelings about this person. I like him. He’s ‘good people.’ I would hang out with him on a regular, friendly basis, which is a rarity because, well, I’m selective in who I associate with. But I’m also a person who whole-heartedly believes things happen in my life so I can share them on my blog. Kind of bizarre logic, but work with me here. By me sharing my experiences, you can either a) squirm in humiliation for for me or b) get a good laugh. Either/or. So the point of this whole paragraph is to reference that I’m not writing to mock or ridicule this person.

This guy is someone I “knew” for awhile. I use that term loosely, because we never hung out. But we knew of each other. I was intrigued with the fact that he had a good job and seemingly had his shit together, because, as this blog depicts to a T — most men in LA are a little “touched” — as my grandma liked to call it. (In other words, they have a lot of problems.)

He made reservations for dinner. Do you understand what that feels like? It’s sexy. It’s like “Look, I’m taking the initiative to make sure that when we get to the restaurant, you don’t have to stand in your heels for 30 minutes while we wait for a table.” I dig that. And when you don’t have reservations made for you, ever, it’s HUGE — am I right, ladies? I’m so right. Clearly, I am easily amused.

So a myriad of other things attracted me to him but mostly it was just a fun fling. Nothing serious, no commitment — just good times and no worries. I like that because I’m not trying to settle down anytime soon and I just started a new job, which my entire life revolves around at this point.

LONG STORY SHORT: I went home for the holidays and felt, gut instinct-wise, that something was up. I hadn’t heard from him in a few days, which was weird because we were communicating almost every day, and I felt kind of let down, but wasn’t too concerned.

Until I got on Twitter.

I need to preface this whole thing with the fact that my friend Taryn calls me “Nancy Drew” because of my superb investigation skills. Trust, I have broken into emails before. That might be highly illegal and nothing to boast about, but I should probably start prepping myself for a future in private investigation. Twitter and Facebook? IT’S NOTHING. No sweat. Tell me what you want to find out, I’ll get it for you. Who is your ex-boyfriend dating? Well, I’m not friends with him, but I will tell you her name, send you a photo and identify at least two friends and hobbies of hers. (If you are my friend, I will also tell you that you are waaaaay prettier and she is a ho because that’s just how good of a friend I am.)

For the love, this is so long. GET TO THE POINT ALREADY! So anyway, I was at home, bored, and I crawled in bed with my iPad on got on Twitter. I decided to look at his page. I feel like a Twitter page tells so much about a person. Their writing voice, their grammar, how many followers they have, who follows them — all interesting to me. It tells a little story.

So do their tweets.

Pretty much, I found a tweet of his (easy because he didn’t have many), directed at someone else, that intrigued me enough to click on that person’s name, which took me to their public profile. It was a girl. She looked familiar. It was his ex-girlfriend. And on her page, I discovered that she had flown to where he was for Christmas and was either a) in the area and they were hanging out (which helps me to understand why he was MIA) or b) spending the holiday with him.

I remember seeing it and being like, “What the f*ck?” (Dirty mouth. Sorry.) And then getting a little sad. Like, well, that sucks. I mean… I don’t know. He didn’t owe me anything, he could have had this planned for forever; I wouldn’t have told somebody new that I was seeing that I was going to be hanging out with my ex during the “most wonderful time of the year” either. So I was stuck in somewhat of a rut.

While I wanted no commitment, I also didn’t want to be on his “ho train” of women. I exaggerate that but really, if you’re dating other people, totally fine, just let me know. I don’t want to be one of 17…. or even one of three or four. That’s too much like The Bachelor for me and it grosses me out, espesh as a germaphobe. Furthermore, it’s a Case of The Ex. That’s always a losing battle — if someone isn’t over their ex, the ex will always win… or they’ll shack together. Either/or.

Anyway, things obviously fizzled. I saw him one time when I got back and had fun, but at the end of the day, I felt weird bringing up The Ex Factor because, well, that’s weird, and I kind of knew in the back of my mind that if he didn’t bring it up himself, that something, most definitely, was going or went on between them. I’ve all but confirmed that things are a cookin’ between them now, and he has since fallen off the planet in Kirbie’s Dream World.

But really, who am I to interfere in a rekindling of any sort? Wishing him the best, regardless.

#WompWompWOOOOMP

Outside of my dating life being nonexistent now, and spilling to you guys the trials and tribulations of finding a decent guy to take me to dinner, learn this: Go with the gut instincts people. Your intuition is the greatest power you possess.

Goals (you should abide by) in 2012

Many sites are busting out countdowns and resolutions, recapping infamous moments of the year and twitpic-ing photos of their nails and hair.

I must admit that on Kirbie Goes to Hollywood, I’m guilty of doing a “Best of” segment, but really, who doesn’t want to watch a video of me meeting *NSYNC when I’m 12?

Anyway, I hate resolutions because, like reverse psychology, I feel more compelled to break them. It’s weird. If I don’t fulfill a resolution, it’s like, “Wah, who cares, so did 98% of the rest of the population. Now pass me the butter for this biscuit.” (There goes no carbs!) And, truthfully, some resolutions are so RIDICULOUSLY UNREALISTIC it’s like they were formulated to be broken in the first place. Smokers? Most definitely end up smoking. “No smoking in 2012” should be amended to “Quit smoking this year.” And lose 30 pounds? I don’t have 30 pounds to lose. Yet some years I feel like this is an adequate resolution.

Therefore, here are some goals that each and every one of you should take into account. They’re mostly targeted toward the women, but guys, you could always benefit by knowing our deep, dark secrets:

1. Expect the best, and don’t accept anything less.
When you’re 25, you’re done dealing with drunkards, students, and overall douches that you may have put up with in the past, especially when it comes to simply dating. Take it upon yourself to imagine what a man you would desire looks like and acts like, and then WAIT FOR THAT. I’m not saying don’t date. Give people a chance. They might not come in the package you want, but they might hold more keys to your happiness than your original desired man. Anyway, if you date someone and “it” isn’t there, (“it” being chemistry, sparks, magic, whatever) THEN MOVE ON. Before, I would have said “wait until the second date and see” and you know what? By all means, go on that second date if you’re iffy, but in reality, you can tell from a first date if you have any attraction to the person you’re sitting in front of. Don’t waste your time — it’s precious, as are you. If you don’t hold yourself to higher standards, who will? Nobody is meant to live a mediocre, “blah” kind of life.

The same can be said with your job. If you feel you deserve a raise, take some time to put together a proposal and ask for it. If you feel like your original salary offer is low or you don’t feel does you justice, ask to negotiate. Nine times out of ten if you ask, you’ll receive (at least a compromise).

2. See the red flags and move on. (Read: “BREAK UP WITH YOUR EX BOYFRIEND FOR THE LAST TIME.”)
I always laugh when people talk about breakups because they’re crying (or yelling) “It’s over!” and we all know it’s not. Most times, you break up and there’s a long string of humiliation, stabbing words, and over-analyzation to follow. If you have been “dating” someone for over a year and they won’t commit? It’s probably time to face the music that they don’t want to commit to you. Whether you’re okay with that is up for you to decide. If you’re in an on/off relationship where the person constantly screws up, belittles you and shows no respect for you as a person, and you keep taking them back, then in actuality you are in fact the screwed up individual, who belittles yourself, with no self love (or confidence). Put the nail in the coffin, folks! You can’t move on to bigger and better if you don’t break free from the virus that is your ex. You love(d) them, we understand that, but it’s time to love yourself more. Even if your ex was fabulous and it was an amicable split, please do yourself a solid and cut off the communication. I don’t care what anyone says, being “just friends” as exes almost never works out (unless there’s a divorce somewhere in there) unless there are still feelings present. And the term “just friends” means no sexual attraction or chemistry whatsoever.

It’s like dating that guy in college — he’s great but he ends up breaking your heart, and when you move on, you end up dating the quarterback of the football team. I’d say that’s an upgrade, and possibly worth the heartache you had to sustain with the other dude.

3. FTLOG, stop texting HIM.
I figured out one epic downfall of the woman species is she’s too concerned about showing her affection. Women always need the upper hand, but want to make sure that the guy they’re pining over knows they’re thinking about them. These next few sentences are going to blow you away, as I have been victim of this before and while I relapse every so often, it’s important to NOT DO IT, EVER: don’t text him. For the love of God, don’t do it.

You don’t need a guy to know if you’re interested or thinking of him because guess what? There’s this thing God invented called CHIVALRY and it’s not your job (initially) to seduce and court the male. Now, some asshats would have you believe that this is your duty by never texting you or calling you or whatever — in which case, guess what? He’s not into you. Sorry. However, the guy that really wants to see you and get to know you (and possibly love you?) and is probably worth keeping around? He’s asking you what you’re doing, where you are, and when he can see you next like it’s his full-time, salary + benefits JOB. (In the most non-creepy way, of course. Use your discretion and get a restraining order if need be.)

How pitiful would it be if you married a man that you had to do all the work for? “Yeah, I practically had to BEG dad to take me out to dinner! And now we’re married!” Uh, great? Listen folks, I’m all about women’s rights and being powerful and all of that, but at the end of the day, I’m a lady. I need a man to do his job, which is protect and make me feel like the lady I am — not just that, like a precious jewel so sought after that he feels lucky to even have me to himself. (Maybe this is why I tend to be attracted to extremely tall men?)

Just stop texting him. If he hasn’t texted you in awhile, create some mystery and allure and he’ll come around. If he doesn’t, it’s not your job or problem to worry about. Very similar to the scientific discovery of meeting someone new: when you stop talking to your ex and you’ve found someone else, the ex always seems to come out of the woodwork like magic! Stop being so available that he becomes uninterested.

Guys, you, on the other hand… it’s your job and God-given right as a man to pursue the woman. End of story. Stop being little biotches and do your part, if you truly want to see, date, or be with a woman.

4. Do some things you haven’t.
I need to clarify this before it gets out of hand. If you’re a serial monogamist, and you people know who you are, please take this year to be alone. I highly recommend this for anyone who has recently gotten out of a long-term, serious relationship. Moving on takes time, and jumping into something with someone else means you’re bringing baggage from the past with you, enabling the new relationship to fail. Furthermore, you’re not able to come to terms with some of the things that happened before, or decide what you really want and need. If the thought of being without someone scares you, you are the #1 candidate for a year of solitude. By all means, date, have picnics, take someone out for a drink. Just don’t hightail yourself into a relationship you have no business being in because you want to “feel loved” or need a hard body in your bed. You dig?

At the same rate, are you scared of being in a relationship? DATE! Go out, meet people, explore your options. If nobody tickles your fancy, fine! But don’t give up on finding someone spectacular, for fear you’ll get hurt. Dating can be awful (trust me), but as a mid-20-something, dating is how you meet people, given you don’t want to date your coworkers. Enough said.

5. Finally, believe you are worth better. (And that you can capable of achieving anything!)
I think a lot of confident people struggle with that first sentence. You might have an air about you; feel like you can do anything, that you’re on top of the world, but when it comes to relationships and romance, you settle. STOP DOING THAT. Don’t settle because it’s taking too long to find someone you truly are attracted to. Don’t settle because “Hey, this guy is great and has a lot going for him and my friends like him and I wonder if I’ll find anyone like this again!” except you’re not really into it. Don’t settle because you feel backed into a corner with no way out. If you’re unhappy, ends things.

Much like envisioning losing weight or getting in better shape or quitting smoking, you have to envision (or manifest, as my girl Marina puts it) a wonderful person before you can attain them. Really, it sounds so corny, but a lot of what you do in life depends on if you can see it coming to fruition! So guys, if you are wondering when you’re going to find a girl who will support you and you absolutely can’t live without, envision that you’ll find her. Same goes with you ladies.

Be confident in you who are. The right person always shows up when you least expect it, so stay positive, be focused on you and bettering yourself, and then wait for gifts to be bestowed upon you. Seriously, no athlete desires to win the silver medal, and like that commercial says, nobody aspires to tell a mediocre joke at best (or something like that). Hell, Muhammed Ali didn’t get in the ring and hoped he didn’t get hit — he went in to knock the lights out of his opponent and WIN!

In relationships, sometimes, you gotta get the lights knocked out of you before you can start winning those trophies. (Gotta love this loose analogy). It’s all a part of the plan though.

Happy New Year!

He’s baaaaaaaaaack

Sometimes, I feel bad for writing these things because, truthfully, it is not in my nature to be malicious. I mean, I cried for three days straight when I found out Santa Claus “died” (yes, not that he wasn’t real — he died) and I still have trouble with negative verdicts in court cases because I believe most people are inherently good, and constantly scrutinize every piece of evidence before deeming someone guilty or not. Except Casey Anthony and OJ Simpson. They’re kray.

So it somewhat pains me to have to write about this guy again. Truth be told, I think he has a lot of issues upstairs, if you know what I mean, girlfran? Like… abandoment issues. I feel like I’m qualified to say that given he’s pretty much spoonfed me his insane life story.

Which brings me to an off-topic yet somewhat relevant point: why do people feel compelled to tell me these things? At this rate, I’m thinking I could get a confession out of OJ before Oprah could. Really. People seemingly feel comfortable telling me absolutely NUTSO things about themselves, and at times they’re not even nuts — they’ll tell me things I have no business knowing, or confide in me deep, dark secrets or emotions when I barely know them, or they let their true egostistical, arrogant selves out of the box. It truly makes no sense. I’m hoping it will help me in my hosting career at least. But seriously, as my dad has always said, “You’re¬†a bum magnet.” Leave it to me to attract men with more than their fair share of mental issues.

I feel I am qualified to diagnose men’s problems because, well, I dated someone that was bipolar. It wasn’t a great relationship, to put it lightly. I actually hope we can find a way to fix this mental disorder because it’s truly depressing to witness, if not completely exhausting — being on cloud nine one minute to complete and utter devestation the next. I also deal with¬†men on a daily basis, as I mentioned, they seem to text me their issues and expect me to resolve their problems, if not construct a perfectly-worded text to send to the woman they met 24-hours prior. (Yes friends, you thought you were the only person I was helping out? Nope.)

So, guess who’s back? This guy. Read up on him. He was persistent, didn’t get the clue, obviously likes a challenge because there’s no way in hell this plus him will ever happen, and is most definitely girl crazy.

The thing about this guy is I’ve told him, to his face, that if he doesn’t stop being a serial monogomist and doesn’t take some “time of solitude” to find himself and figure out what the hell is his problem, he will ruin every relationship he has from here on out. I thought he understood because he was all, “I’m taking your advice!” Yet the next day he’s informed me he invited an ex-intern over to his family’s house for Thanksgiving. #FailCentralStation

Here’s an email exchange that went down the week before I peaced out for Thanksgiving. Admittedly, I did contact him first, but only because my roomie went to lunch with said intern, who mentioned about going to his house for Thanksgiving. I’m blue, he’s black:

11/18/11, 2:37 PM:
So (the roomie) chatted me up about (redacted intern’s name) today…

2:44 PM:
She might by the one Kirbie J

Note: I have to include that this statement is infuriating given a few days before he stood at my desk to inform me his life was in shambles, thanks to a woman he had an affair with, because she slept with her (now) ex-husband on her birthday. Proceed.

2:54PM:
You are an epic dumbass

2:57PM:
You are in a lovely mood today…

2:58PM:
I’m not just saying this, but you are going to ruin this poor woman’s life. Stop jumping from woman to woman! I actually feel bad for her. Get your shit together.

(He is sprawled out like gigalo, in the atrium/lounge area at this point. I am passing him every so often to run to the kitchen.)

4:52PM:
Your hat is cute KGJ

(“G” fo Godzilla. As in “life ruiner” and/or “terror.”)

4:53 PM:
Are you aware that you are giving me great material for my blog?

(Full disclosure! Can’t sue me now…)

4:54 PM:
Exactly what do I get in return?

4:54 PM:
Complete and utter humiliation…?

4:56 PM:
Hmmm. I was gonna go a different way with that. You enrich my life Kirbie. I actually would like this place a lot less if you weren’t here.

(This is where I partially feel like a biotch and partially am shaking my hands in the air going, “Why God, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?” Then I read the first sentence again and realize he’s a may-jah skeezeball.)

4:57 PM:
You’re really just a glutton for punishment, I believe…

5:00 PM:
Did it ever occur to you that you actually like me? Let’s text.

(I kept my personal cell phone off the employee phone list for this purpose exactly.)

5:00 PM:
No.

(Deja vu?)

5:02 PM:
Hahahah!

“No.”

I adore you. You utterly crack me up.

5:12 PM:
I have a song you need to hear.

http://youtu.be/rMqayQ-U74s

5:16 PM:
You’re sweet. What are you doing this weekend?

{End Scene}

It was once said that Capricorns are women with a ton of patience. I never believed it until this email exchange. Do you know what it’s like to deal with men who are delusional? If you’re a woman? Yes. If you’re a not? Probably not — you perpetuate other¬†men’s delusional¬†mindsets.¬†I wish I could get paid every time a guy acts like a pompous, egotistical maniac around me — and doesn’t realize it, but alas I suppose I am being punished for something.

Guys, all kidding aside, I have a few suggestions for you dudes out there:

  • Don’t date if you just got out of a relationship. You aren’t ready, even if you cheated or are mentally checked out long before the breakup. “Do you.” As Drake would say, “Ooh I needed that.” In fact, just listen to Drake’s whole album.¬†It hits a tad too close for comfort and some of you¬†guys need to take a long listen.
  • If you go on a date and you feel it went great, but in your gut you’re getting bad signals from the girl, you should probably be aware of this phrase: she’s just not that into you.
  • Don’t try to be someone you’re not. You don’t need someone to edit everything you say and do to impress a woman. Haven’t you seen Hitch? It doesn’t end well if you’re a puppet, using a puppeteer to commandeer women into loving you.
  • Please find the appropriate balance between being “hard to get” and a “good guy.” Don’t confuse those with “an asshole” and “needy.” It’s exasperating and disappointing.

I guess that’s all I can do and say for now. In the end, I suppose it’s up to you to crash and burn before you learn any lessons…

The Million Dollar Match

Most of you who read Kirbie Goes to Hollywood are aware that I joined Match.com three weeks ago. I received a free six month subscription from the one and only Ellen, as in Degeneres —¬†as in I was on the show, some couple got engaged, won a $50,000 check from Match.com and everyone in the audience got to join for free.

I have always had issues with online dating sites. Mostly because they all have terrible connotations associated with them, partly because I feel like I shouldn’t have to go online to meet people. Because, as the connotation goes, people on the internet¬†are weird. They do¬†bizarre things. However, when you live in LA, meeting people who aren’t just concerned with what you do or aren’t only talking to you because they’re hoping to remove your underwear later on in the night is very are, my friends. Nobody here is looking for love, because frankly everyone is always looking for something better. I have to admit that I am holding out for a certain linebacker who currently lives in Wisconsin. Those dreams may just remain that: dreams. However, in La La Land, we all believe we are capable of better.

And frankly, I believe (truly) that I am capable of dating better men than the pipsqueak on Match.com, who is 21, who only is interested because he liked my photos, and probably has no direction in his life whatsoever.

Contrary to popular beilef, some men on Match aren’t pizza-faced, video game nerds. There are some hotties on Match.com. I base hotness on a few things: their photo hasn’t been edited AT ALL, the photos are close up, and they’re straight on — no weird angles (and no kayak photos from 50 feet away). Speaking of, I have to wonder why men feel like putting 7,000 photos of themselves kayaking or a photo of them doing a kegstand from 15 feet away is going to get them a woman. I can’t tell what you look like, but you like to be outdoors and can chug that beer! Yay!

Basically I decided to give Match.com complete hell when looking for a match. My¬†specifications¬†are as follows:¬†He had to be a Christian (somewhat difficult in LA). He had to be between 6’2 and 6’9. And he had to be between the ages of 26-32.

Christian is obvious. I¬†went for¬†6’2 because most guys lie about their height.¬†Delusional is actually the more accurate word.¬†Oh, you’re 6’0? No, you’re really 5’10. They all like to stretch the truth just a little bit, thinking girls like me don’t notice. But not this gal.¬†What can I say, I’m attracted to tall¬†guys.¬†And the age thing: I’m not trying to date anyone younger than me, and I feel a two year age difference is a good jumping off point. I’m also not trying to date someone whose screenname is “AmysDad.” Woof.

Frankly, I can’t see myself actually going out on Match.com, but it’s incredibly intriguing and¬†empowering¬†to get online and pick and choose who you want to talk to. It’s like shopping for a man! I think it’s important to realize that places like Match.com or eHarmony aren’t sites where you hide behind a profile and never meet the person, similar to those weirdo chatroom type relationships you see depicted in the movies or on TV. It’s kind of like going to a bar, but you’re meeting someone through communication¬†(and looks), instead of alcohol and looks.

So I get frequent emails from¬†Match saying “so and so has winked at you” or “so and so has sent you an email.” I don’t know if there is a template for men on how to approach a woman online, but mostly every email I get goes something like this:

Hey Kirbie,

Hows your weekend going? I see we have some things in common and i liked what i read about you so far. I’d like to get to know you better over coffee sometime. How’s that sound?
 
Hmm. Sounds engaging. I REALLY want to respond to that! How about stating something we have in common? Or what you liked about me? Why not get to know me a tad more before asking me out to coffee, a huge commitment in my mind? That would be a great start.
 
Then there are some special emails. Ones that stand out from the rest. These deserve to be shared with the world.
 
Let me introduce you to Laurence. I’m going to show you a video, only because he told me to Google him and look him up.
 
(The video wouldn’t let me embed it.)
 
Yeah. That’s right. This guy was on Millionaire Matchmaker. While this might make him automatically swoon-worthy to some women, I have some reservations about this. If you tell me you’re setting me up with a guy and he was recently a featured millionaire on Millionaire Matchmaker, I’m already deeply offended. Here’s why:
  • Those guys are heinous (for the most part)
  • Most have zero personality, and they can get away with it because they’re loaded (for the most part)
  • They constantly talk about their money, what they have, and what they can do for you, but nothing really of substance (for the most part)
  • Why do you think Patti Stanger hates them all so much? (for the most part)
  • Basically you’re telling me I look like a woman who is attracted to guys with tons of money and have zero respect for myself (for the most part)
So I decide to not judge a book from this absolutely ridiculous email that was pretty much a walking billboard for “I’m a douche with a ton of money and pretty much have zero personality, charm, or good looks for that matter,” and looked at his profile.
 
 
Here’s the abbreviated version of his “About Me”:
 
¬†I consider myself good natured & kind. I love to cook & hit the gym most days. I’ve always been conscientious about keeping my life in balance & have never worked long hours. (Starts off alright enough.) I’ve been very fortunate with the vitamin business I started as a youth & still work because I love my job. I’m very decisive & reliable. Here are a few things that are very important to me in a finding the right woman; I hope I’m not expected to e-mail back & forth… I’m looking for a passionate love, not a pen pal. If a person won’t speak I’ll assume they’re; not serious, just attention seeking or a fake profile. It’s way too time consuming to go through all this just to have someone slow me down w/ email after email. All grown ups speak on the phone… daily. Slow movers don’t understand or respect the value of time & how fast life passes us by. The net is a great way to find someone but not the way I choose to get to know them. (Honestly, this guy has some issues and I can already tell by this paragraph alone. Rushing into talking on the phone? I barely do that with my boss and I’m around him nine hours a day and have known him for a year. Not to mention he feels the need¬†to belittle people by wanting to get to know a stranger¬†within the comfortable confines of the internet… furthermore, even if he didn’t mention this stuff, I’m not interested because he has a terrible writing voice.)
 
I’m affectionate quickly & I need a woman who is as well. Success favors the courageous.
(While true, this statement sounds sadistic)
 
Chemistry is #1 & I need to know it’s there WHILE I invest my time/energy/soul. OK, back to me… my diet is organic & mainly raw/vegan. I love animals… especially my dog… If a woman makes a good living that’s great but it’s not on my list of priorities. (Basically reaffirms my initial thought of gold diggers jumping his bones)
 
If you’re a UFC fan you may have seen me ringside during the broadcast sponsoring the show w/ my vitamin company. They put my logo in the center of the octagon (search the net for liddell vs white to see a clip). I also competed in a submission match for the UFC in 2007. I was on season 2 of Bravo TV’s The Millionaire Matchmaker (search the net for different millionaires to see a clip). Thanks for reading
 
OH. LAW. After reading this, my maternal instinct set in. I sure as hell don’t want to date someone who gives Patti Stanger as a reference, but hey, he could use some help. He’s basically advertising the following: “I’m rich. I’m above human with my organic/raw diet. I need affection immediately. I’m rich. I’m rich. I’m on TV. I’m rich.”
 
This pretty much means every girl with outstanding loans and daddy issues is jumping on him within a 50 mile radius. So I decide to “help” him by giving him some advice. Oh, by the way, here’s what he said to me initially:
 
Nice profile Kirbie ūüôā If you’d like to get a better look at me you can see a funny clip from a TV show I was on (The Millionaire Matchmaker) if you google different millionaires. It only works on a computor not a cel phone. If you’re interested in my work there’s a clip from the UFC with my logo center octagon (youtube liddel vs white). Nice to meet you ūüôā
 
Thanks for reiterating both of those items. Because they surely make you more attractive, and I want to base my relationships on how you appeared on the side of a UFC ring and during Millionaire Matchmaker.
 
Here’s my response:
 
Hi there! I didn’t want to ignore you but I do want to offer you advice. You’re not going to reel in a woman worth keeping by openly advertising your money, status, belongings, etc. Putting pictures of The Millionaire Matchmaker and your home/cars is not attractive to most women seeking true love, given most of them don’t care about those things. You’re going to acquire women who are looking for a sugar daddy, not true love. They might look good, but they won’t treat you right.I hope that isn’t harsh. However, it’s true. I would recommend taking it from a different approach. Talk about what makes you passionate in life. Don’t boast about what you have, rather take things that are important to you and project them on your profile. You’re an attractive man (Note: I didn’t want to tear him down, and I think he is probably attractive to other women), so once you go on a date and get to know a girl better, then you can tell her about your millions and your nice cars and your UFC sponsorship. Those things will all be complimentary to dating a nice guy, and won’t be the focal point of the relationship.Also, most people watch Millionaire Matchmaker and gag because 99% of the men on the show are terrible, with zero personality, and only know how to do one thing: talk about money to make up for their lack of wit and charm. I’m not saying that is you, because I haven’t seen your episode, (your profile reaffirms this)¬†however it proves my point that assumptions can be made just by being associated with the show. Don’t let women use that as a reason to not date you. Get my point?

Anyway, I’m off to a birthday. Hope you have a great weekend and enjoy your extra hour of sleep!

I know I went in with guns blazing, so I was expecting a rather heated email back. Which I received not even 30 minutes later:
 
I would have rather you ignored me. If I wanted advice I would ask for it… Dr Phil. Save your negativity. Here’s some advice for you. If a guy sends you a message & you’re not interested, don’t respond… just hit the block button at the bottom of this page. If you can keep you’re negative energy & insecurities about money in check & you’re interested in me hit me back. If not DON’T CONTACT ME AGAIN.
 
Thank you, Laurence! I so needed help on how to handle a man of your caliber, since clearly I have no¬†dating skills and am riddled with insecurities.¬†Also, what happened to “good natured” and “kind?” I thought those people remained calm and collected in these instances.
 
I should have just left it alone, but really, I feel like asshats in this town need someone to bring them off that cloud their floating on and hit them with a dose of reality… whether it’s harsh or not.
 
I haven’t found true love on Match.com, which is great considering I’m not there to find love.¬†Maybe¬†I’m duping people¬†by thinking this way, but whatever. It’s a win-win: I stay on and get ammunition for this blog, or find someone to date.¬†Perfection.¬†I doubt I will though,¬†unless #52 appears on there anytime soon.
 
There are so many more interactions that need to be written about. Until next time…

The narcissist

Let me tell you all this story. For some reason, initially,¬†I had a slight instinct that this may be something that only women in LA deal with — or Taylor Swift. (Love all the Swifty comparisons?) However, upon venturing to Texas this past weekend and chatting with a friend in Chicago, these types¬†men (narcissists)¬†are¬†wreaking havoc (and hell) all¬†around the U.S. As my friend Shauna puts it, “Good men are a dying breed.”

Don’t get me wrong. I’m still hopeful. Surely Clay Matthews¬†will exceed¬†any expectations I may have. (Sorry,¬†I had to.)¬†But how discouraging is it when you go on date and meet guys and they aren’t able to fulfill your expectations? Not just the “maybe he’ll be a keeper” expectation, but even the “maybe we can be friends” expectation?

Or worse, you have no feeling for them at all. You don’t hate them, but you don’t like them either. It’s disappointing. I get it, you’re not going to have sparks nor get along with everyone, but¬†it would be nice to “feel” something, if that makes any sense. I guess that’s God’s way of weeding out people you’re not supposed to be with?

Back to the Taylor Swift reference. I have a theory regarding Swifty: she only dates gays. She’s the Beard of the Year, my friends, and she will date the gays until the cows come home. This serves her two purposes: she doesn’t have to do jack crap with any of them, and when they break up with her, she can write about what¬†a-holes they all are. I mean, she doesn’t knowingly date them because they’re gay. She just wonders why none of them have attempted to grab her boob in, oh, 10 months. The only person, I believe, wasn’t gay? John Mayer. I think he’s probably a real freak in the sheets and¬†has probably¬†flushed the opposite way¬†(how I feel about most men who have had their pick of way too many women), but he’s mostly all for the ovaries.

SO, what I’m definitely not trying to say here is that I date gay men. Nope. I can confidently (well, 99% sure) say that all of my exes were straight. Unlike Swifty, I have a great gaydar, so I know when a man wants¬†a hug-kiss-kiss routine or wants the horizontal handshake, if you get my drift.

Ed is a dude that saw me doing pilates and cardio kickboxing at the gym.¬†I can’t emphasize how CREEPSTATIC it is when¬†a man¬†approaches a female at the gym. Anything you say is going to be weird. “I saw you breaking a real intense sweat in class!” “You have a great body.” “Let me teach you how to properly lift those dumbbells.” “Is your colon swollen?” Just kidding on the last one, but that definitely made me laugh.

I was racing out to my car (it was starting to rain) and he followed me there. It was real creepster-esque and it made me jump when I turned around and noticed him.

“Hi… I’m Ed. I saw you doing pilates and cardio kickboxing. You have a lot of stamina.” (See what I mean? Awkward.)

“Uh… thanks. Who are you?” (I know, rather bitchy.)

“Haha, you’re fiesty! I’m Ed.” (Being a bitch means fiesty if you say “yall” and have blonde hair.)

“Okay, cool.” Awkward silence.

“So, I saw you and I was wondering, do you come here often? Because I have been wanting to take classes and didn’t know how they were.” (Unlucky for me, I am a talker.)

“Oh yeah, they’re great. They get crowded so come early.” Notice the zero ethusiasm in my punctuation, as depicted in my actual tone at that point.

“Well, you have a great body so I need to do whatever you doing!” At this point, I give him the death glare, which basically insinuates “You’re a creep” or “Go to hell,” when he does something that puts me at ease.

The hand flop.

“OH — no.” Hand flop. Shakes his head.

Do you know the hand flop? It’s basically when you’re holding your¬†forearm up towards your shoulder, elbow bent, while the hand flops like a dead fish. Most commonly seen depicted in the movies to insinuate a male is homosexual.

At this point, I made a schiesty move and gave him my number. I figured having a gay accountability partner would great given it would force me to the gym and since most of the gays I know are super critical of people’s appearances, I would work extra hard to not look like a fatass.

So we hit up a few classes. He asks if I’m going to Zumba. Yes. I am. And let me tell you, his hips don’t lie. No man should be able to move their hips like that. I was confident that I had a single homosexual male on my hands, no questions ask.

Maybe after two classes together, I pretty much drop his calls because a) we wouldn’t talk during class, which was bizarre and b) I have nothing tied to this friendship. Apparently Ed was invested because the weekend my cell phone was stolen, I got my new one and had four voicemails in eight hours from him. Side note: voicmails annoy the crap out of me. Unless you’re confirming an appointment or telling me I won a million dollars, there’s no need to blab for five minutes when I can just call you back.

He’s texting me every other day, and at one point I’m at the gym, on the tred, and he’s texting me:

“Hey Kirbie! I think I saw you walk in to the gym. Come by the weight area and say hi!”

Of course I ignore this and finish up my workouts, then peace out. I have no desire to see this person, nor do I think I could have picked his face out of a crowd at this point.

Then, on a Monday morning, after endless no responses and straight up avoidance, I get this gem at 7:30 in the morning:

 

Things:

  • “Gave” you my number? More like I pitied you.
  • “Must have been attracted or interested…” False. Neither. Way to think too highly of yourself. Also, let’s remind ourselves that I’ve avoided your calls and texts for four weeks straight.

The follows up that text with something along the lines of, “I promise you won’t regret it :)” which really pissed me of because I’m already regretful of giving out my number and I hate it when men use smiley faces. So I respond with with the following, that I wish I had saved:

Hey Ed. Two things: A) It’s a tad inappropriate to be texting at 7:30, especially since I’m pretty much a stranger. B) I am sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, however I have a serious boyfriend that I’m very much in love with and I’m not looking to date anyone else. I stopped responding to your texts and would appreciate if you would stop sending them. Thanks for your understanding.

He wrote back with a “I’m sorry, I had no idea about your relationship. Good luck with that. Also, I didn’t realize 7:30 was too early.”

I had been up since 5:00 to work out, but it doesn’t matter. It’s not kosher to be texting someone you don’t know before normal business hours. Plus, this is LA, ED! Half the people here work nights. I’m semi concerned that this issue was so pressing that you felt the need to hash it out at 7:30 in the morning… Furthermore, “You must have been interested or attracted”? Really now? Instant turn off. Not like I was remotely attracted in the first place.

My point is this: why are men such idiots? When looking for a potentinal mate, I don’t ask for a lot. I’d like for him to be a man’s man, with a good heart, who is witty and intelligent, but not overbearing. I think most women will agree with me when¬†I say I want a man. Someone who is confident in his own right but is always humble and does what is right because, well, it’s right. Not someone who is going to boast about everything, or change who he is for people to like him, or act like a child who has no control over his life. Who stays true to his word, isn’t a flake, and doesn’t play games.

Is that too much to ask?

Ladies, can I get an amen?

Is it over? The Social Network edition

I think one of the hardest things when you’re breaking up with someone is answering this question:

“When is it really over?”

The fat lady has essentially sung her final verse and you and your significant other have decided to call it quits. For most people in extended relationships, it goes something like this:

End relationship.

Still talk.

Still text.

Still phone.

Still say ‘I love you.’

Still miss them.

Still think about them 24/7.

Still wonder what they’re doing and who they’re doing it with.

Still worry if they’re okay.

Still vomit at the thought of them with someone else.

And during this phase you’re probably still following them on Twitter and remain their Facebook friend. You know, to keep tabs. To see what girls (or boys — guys, I know you read) are writing on their wall and following them. Social media has made it possible to still know every little detail of your ex without actually ever having to speak to them ever again.

I remember my last break up, and in the¬†moments of where I felt¬†my heart was completely shattered, I remember saying something like this: “I will never see you ever again.” And the sad part is I didn’t say that out of spite or that I wouldn’t want to see him again (I did. Trust.), but it was the truth. To this day, I haven’t seen him since the day we broke up. But I still knew what he was up to thanks to the internet.

Not trying to be a Debbie Downer here, but I know some of you people are going through exactly what I went through, and for lack of better words? It sucks. I know you all are going through this because I’ve had several texts, phone calls and emails over the last few months from people who never thought they would be in this position, asking me for advice and help. I am transparent it seems, and when my heart was broken, you all were well aware.

As¬†much as I love to help, I know I can’t. You have to live through the questions and find the answers, even when it hurts like hell. The thing worse than going through heartache? Watching your friends go through it. It’s like reliving the entire situation.

So, back to social media. You’re watching their friends talk about how they’re doing and what they’re doing and somehow you know exactly where this person is without even asking. It’s kind of nice in that you won’t run into them accidentally and feel your heart fall into your butt. Or, if you’re super cray, you’ll “accidentally” run into them at the pub so you can hash out the whole drama in public. Am I right? I’ve seen too many women and men do it before (I’ve been to afraid to do something bold like that).

When is it over? When do you know you are ready to move on and forget the past? For some of you, just reading that sentence makes you want to throw up your lunch. “Forget the past? I love this person! I want to make it work! I want to have hope!” Listen, I’m not against the falling back in love and making it work part. However, I know that if you’re just going through a breakup, there are too many wounds to heal to resusitate the relationship immediately. It will take time. Take growth. Take forgiveness. Take trust. All of those things combined can end up in a happy, healthy, relationship with a person you used to be in one with.

But I’m not talking reconciliation. I’m talking about the part where you want to move forward and not be hurt anymore. When does that happen? How do you know?

Some simple thoughts:

  • That song you heard that made you bust into tears when initially breaking up? You can listen to it. The whole way through. No tears.
  • You can unfriend and defollow them.¬†Not out of spite, but because you know it’s not healthy to keep staring at their page and analyzing their tweets.
  • You don’t worry about doing said things (above) and that the person will love you less because you did so.
  • You’re content with the thought that they have moved on. If they’re happy, you are. Even¬†if they cheated, you still find that the situation was supposed to happen.
  • You’re not dating just to say that you’ve found someone new. You’re dating to legitimately find and enjoy another person. You’re open to the possibility of a new relationship. This one is the kicker!
  • You don’t worry about them… as much. You know they’re fine without you.
  • You don’t feel compelled to reach out and contact them, just to keep communication alive — just in case a reconcilation is coming up.
  • You don’t get upset with what went wrong. You can fondly remember the good, funny and sentimental times.

There are a myriad of others, but I’ll spare you for now. The most difficult part of breaking up? Shutting the other person out. It’s nearly impossible to maintain a friendship immediately after breaking up, as much as you’d like to. It’s like on How I Met Your Mother. Barney dated Robin; they broke up. Barney then talks about all his latest conquests in front of Robin; she ends up crying in a hallway somewhere. She ends up meeting someone, starts to like him, but with her ex-boyfriend as a part of her group of friends, she decides to essentially “quit” the group for awhile until she can fully function in another relationship without Barney interfering.

And that’s what will keep happening when you’re intertwined, online, with this person you used to care about. You’re broken up because you don’t want to be with the person. Simple as that. (Or they don’t want to be with you. Sorry.) Otherwise, you’d still be with them, they’d still be with you. Easy. Stop dragging around and letting the communicating flow like wine. It’s not helping them, not you — no one.

So like a band aid, rip it off. Unfriend. Unfollow. Move on. And maybe one day, you two will be able to meet back up on The Social Network… and possibly in real life.

Then again? Maybe not.

Know what you don’t want

What’s a blog when you’re only commenting about other people’s lives? Just a tad too gossip-y for my taste. So why not venture into my life.

I was hesitant, but my friends were encouraging: “Why aren’t you writing about this stuff? It’s fun!” And I’ll tell you why: because I’m not trying to be the Taylor Swift of blogging. I’m just not. What? I start off writing about dating in Los Angeles and next I’m busy losing my virginity to¬†John Mayer and acting as the Air Force Beard to various gay men? I don’t think so. But I guess what sets me apart is unlike Taylor Swift, I’m not naming names.

"Plotting my next tell-all sing-a-long..."

Yet. Except doesn’t Taylor Swift (usually) not name names and just insinuates everything so people can piece everything together on their own? Maybe I need to buy a guitar and go to town…

Here goes nothing.

I’m approaching the tender age of 25 and I’m single.¬†Have been¬†for over a year now and I’m officially back in swing of singledom. At¬†this phase in my life, dating is great. I don’t need a guy to call me every day, but if I like him, that’s awesome. I don’t even need a date more than once week, however it is nice go on them if you enjoy the person.

I remember this stage quite fondly. It’s been awhile. Back in 2007-2008, I was living. it. up. with all my best girlfriends and no man in sight, except maybe the occasional mixer date, but even those were few and far between because we’d all rather go as girls than with someone we’d have to coddle (and cuddle?) all night long. And if we did have a date… it was fun, but there were no emotional ties. No worries, no jealously, no nothing.

So now, as I’m starting to date around,¬†I find myself at battle: go on dates with people I’m not attracted to? Or stick to my guns and wait? As my coworker Marina and I were chatting so eloquently today:

“I’m just waiting on Clay Matthews.”

“And I’m just waiting for Jesus to send a good man to LA…”

Luckily, I stuck to my guns and did not divvy out my dating cards to anyone and everyone. Plus, I wasn’t ready to date until just recently. I’ve held off until the stars aligned and it felt ‘right’ (or whatever you want to call it). It was slim pickings for awhile, my friends. I think an important thing that differs from other periods of singlehood in my life is that I distinctly know what I’m¬†not¬†looking for. I might not be able to pinpoint everything I want, but I sure as hell know what I can do without..

This brings me to some shenanery that’s been going on at the office. I’m going to call this guy out. I am fairly sure he’ll read this. Is that awkward? No. He can take it. Any guy can take it. It’s a matter of how you handle it. But also, I’m not terrified of this person, and think he’ll take this with a decent amount of pride, so I’m not too worried about it.

Note: I did not date this man.

Let me start by saying that some of the stuff I’m about to say is all “alleged.” Meaning it’s all their words against his, “they” being the ladies I’m about to mention. The only reason I really know this guy is because he is notorious around the office for hooking up with various women, all of whom I have contact with and/or work with closely. Kind of weird. He claims this is all hearsay, or pulls a, “Well, now that I think about it, did we make out?” to try to keep himself honest. Frankly I don’t buy it and don’t feel like women would just make up random makeouts out of the blue; most women tend to hide makeouts, not make them up out of thin air (unless they’re crazy).

Said guy is not my type. He’s already aware of this. Nice guy, I’m sure he’s a blast to be around, but no, it’s not going to happen. I can openly admit that I do not give men the time of day unless I am seriously interested. I think that’s the best way to be, and I wish more people were like this. Don’t misconstrue my words though — seriously interested doesn’t equate to serious relationship.

For fun he likes to tell me that he’s not interested or whatever (because as you can tell this man plays endless mind games) but the fact is that he was spending a hefty amount of time at my desk, people were noticing, and I wasn’t having it. I politely (sternly?) told him he can’t come up to visit me. End of story.

The ongoing joke (or should I say “a horse that’s been bludgeoned to death”) he always pulls when he walks by is something along the lines of, “Hey, has so-and-so come by?” So-and-so being the chick he “hooked up with.” I only put it in quotes for his sake, just to give him the benefit of the doubt. But really, that sentence should be read without quotes, because I have no doubt he’s hooked up them. He also has nicknamed me “Godzilla.” Yes, he knows how to work the ladies. But he calls me that (apparently) because I am a terror and like to make his life miserable. I do admit I’m a little mischevious, guilty as charged…

The other day I had to send out an office email and he writes back. I would literally just screenshot it, but I’m not about to get into privacy issues, so here’s how it went down. I’m not a complete terror!

Me: {Redacted initial email to office}

——————————————

Him: hey, Did (redacted) come through there recently? ūüėČ

——————————————

That’s not overplayed or anything…

——————————————

you love it!

But seriously.

Did she? ūüėČ

Let’s go to lunch

——————————————

1) No

2) No

3) No

——————————————

LOL Kirbie “Godzilla” Johnson you crack my sh*t up!

——————————————

End scene. Listen, I’m not trying to make this at his expense — who knows what he’s going through — but he needs to learn. Dude, you’re acting like a skeezy salesman. Please pull yourself together. Have some dignity. Stop dating inside the office. Learn some new flirting techniques, find a new herd of women and try them out. It could go swimmingly if you play your cards right, but I don’t see how any woman in the office is to take you seriously, unless she’s an intern… and let’s be honest, you’ve had your fair share of those.

Anyway, I hope I’m not being too harsh. I like to dole out tough love more often than not. But in the dating world, I suppose it’s important to call things out like you see ’em, eh?

Bachelor Pad Recap: Move on already

Do you watch Bachelor Pad? Embarrassingly so, I do. It’s my guiltiest of pleasures, more guilty than Jersey Shore. At least in Jersey Shore, they’re paid to be there and they’re not subjecting themselves to complete humilation by way of group competitions. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Jersey Shore is an embarrassment, but Bachelor Pad goes above and beyond.

Holly and Michael engaged

CliffsNotes version: Michael and Holly, both castoffs from previous Bachelorette/Bachelor seasons, met, hit it off and started a relationship. Michael proposed to Holly last year. For whatever reason, she said no. I think they broke up, then got back together, and then Michael ended things with Holly about three months before Bachelor Pad.

¬†Everyone knows if a contestant is doing a confessional about how they hope their ex won’t be in the house, that they will be. So of course Michael and Holly are reunited after a broken engagement and are forced to live together.

Holly is heartbroken because of Michael; Michael can’t get past that Holly rejected his proposal, but he still loves her so he’s pretty much going to make her life miserable in the house, unintentionally of course.

Here’s the deal: everyone is rooting for Michael and Holly to reignite the flame. However, after winning a few of the competitions, Michael takes Holly out on dates and she confesses (to the cameras, not to him) thats he feels like perhaps they’re meant to be just friends and aren’t supposed to be together; meanwhile, you have Michael crying and confessing his undying love for Holly.

This is peculiar for me. So…. now that Holly is in a house with other men who find her attractive, Michael wants her back? Huh. Who would have thought.

Anyway, last night, Blake, the hot dentist, wins the kissing competition and invites Holly on a date. This causes a fury in Melissa, the house psychopath, because she likes Blake/thought they had an alliance. So Holly and Blake go on this date and Holly is a little hesitant (because of Michael and Melissa), but once they fly to the mountains to ski, she lets her guard down and has a great time. I mean, I know it’s reality TV, but I saw some chemistry between Holly and Blake.

Blake kissing Holly

Meanwhile Michael is at home thinking the worse because Holly has been gone, overnight, with another man for at least 36 hours and she still isn’t home. Holly is in a cabin with Blake making out.

Of course the editing makes Holly seems like the bad guy here. But really, what the hell? Girlfriend denied your proposal and then you dumped her. Sounds like this relationship is more than over, Michael. It’s been lit on fire and burned to ashes. Move on. Let Holly be with Blake. Relationships aren’t supposed to be that hard.

Everyone is still cheering on Holly and Michael, hoping for reconciliation. Last night, Michael kissed Holly, and all she’s been doing in the confessionals is crying because she likes Blake but doesn’t want to hurt Michael. Ohhhh Holly. I have been in your position before and let me just say that you can love someone but not want to be with them. It’s a sad thing to come to terms with. But you shouldn’t stick with someone just because you’re trying to mend their heart.

I’d like to extend that piece of advice to everyone reading. Staying in a relationship to avoid conflict, drama and heartbreak is not worth your time. In fact, it’s a waste of time. Move on to bigger and better (and healthier) relationships and accept that your old relationship has served its purpose.

I’m just hoping for entertainment’s sake that Holly kicks Michael to the curb at some point because we all know she’s better with Blake, but given Holly & Michael are partners in the game, it should create quite the controversy.

Ye ole D-bags: Robert Kardashian

Rob and hoe

I didn’t want to have to do this, because I love the Kardashians. In fact, I fancied Rob at one point; the quiet amongst the storm of K’s. The younger brother with a careful¬†heart, who was in love with his girlfriend.

Then he cheated on her.

I can forgive that. Everyone makes mistakes. But then things got weird. Remember the episode where he talks about his “nickname” to stepdad Bruce? Let me refresh your memory.

“You know what they call me, right?”

“What’s that?”

“Young slay.”

“I thought they called you tiny penis?”

Let’s stop there. Young Slay? Oh,¬†HOW original, Rob. I haven’t heard 17,000 other men¬†here in LA refer to themselves (embarrassingly) as¬†a woman slayer, but I’m glad to you know you’re poking random women with your disco stick and, furthermore, proudly announcing it to the universe a) on your TV show and b) with an idiotic nickname.

Remember that time he got a chick pregnant? I feel like he’s been in the limelight enough to know to wrap it up. I mean, let’s get real here: the guy has zero jobs (no, semi-managing Beach Girl 5 doesn’t count). He has a college degree and is spending the day scratching himself, eating Doritos and playing Halo. Real ambitious, Rob. Oh yeah, and he doesn’t live with his parents anymore! He lives with his sister and her husband. Upgrade!

¬†I’m sure the family has said it enough, but is anyone attracted to this guy other than the fact that his sisters are all Kardashians?¬† I am not remotely close to being attracted to him, anymore at least. Hey, maybe he’ll pull his head out and start making his own life, but¬†it seems that he lacks determination it seems… the standard when it comes to being filthy rich. Some of the children may grow up with drive and perseverance; one will probably be left in the dust, since they have been handed everything their entire life. Sad, really. Actually, the really sad part is that after years of not doing anything for themselves, the one time they decide to do something mediocre, everyone applauds them for it.

However, none of the aforementioned things compare when it comes to the hideous display of douchbaggery on his Twitter account:

Verbatim: “Getting a mani/pedi at my crib. Yes I just said that. I get it done once a week. A Woman doesn’t want dirty fingers in her mouth. ROSS!”

Okay. No idea what the Ross reference is, but so help me God —¬†if my little brother ever posted this on Twitter… I would put an immediate end to this idiocracy. Probably by¬†breaking a few of his fingers.¬†“A woman doesn’t want dirty fingers in her mouth?” Filthy, Rob. Just filthy. What a moron.

So Rob,¬†here’s your RSA. Pull yourself together, stop living off your family’s coattails and act like a man. To men everywhere: women need a man they feel secure and safe with. If a man is living off his parents (or whoever) and seems to have no agenda of his own, it’s not looking sunny for the future.

Update: Rob has been confirmed for Dancing with the Stars. Given his current work ethic, I can’t foresee him moving forward in the competition. Maybe Nancy Grace will give him a good tongue lashing to whip him into shape.

Update 2: Rob apparently is going on the show to lose weight. He’s now over 200 pounds. Hmm. I haven’t seen him in awhile, so I never really noticed. He also said, “My mom basically forced me to do this show.” Sounds like a champion!

Ladies want it, men need it.