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Don’t dream, it’s over

It’s apparently breakup week here at Mentervention. Since we’ve all been through a breakup or two, can we come together as one and acknowledge what “closure” really is?

It’s just that. Something that goes in between quotes because it’s not really what it claims to be. Oh, Snooki is now an “author.”  Skinny Girl margs are “skinny.”  I was in the bathroom that long for a “phone call.” (You get the point.) Closure is this event we implant in our heads to make things final, but really, it’s just something that prolongs the end.

We’ve all done it. We’ve had a breakup on the phone or even in person and it ends so abruptly that we’re left wanting more. It’s really just sick. Because even though we might want more in a way that makes us feel better, it will inevitably always leave us with more and more hurt. And frankly, the only person in the relationship that wants closure is the one who isn’t initiating the breakup.

Let’s talk this out, shall we?

I’ve had the luxury, if you will, of going through mostly long-distance relationships. The breakups are either over the phone or in person before I’m traveling back home. So it’s kind of nice that I don’t have the convenience running into them at the bar or having a weak moment and inviting them over. However, the closure aspect comes in to play because there’s the constant phone calls going on to rehash everything not once, but twice or maybe even six or seven times, in hopes of getting answers, or perhaps the occasional “mind change.”

Now, I know there are good breakups. The amicable, mature ones. Or even ones that are terribly heartbreaking, but not devastating because there’s a deeper understanding — no foul play, no abruptness, no hurtful circumstances.  Basically, the breakup that’s accepted by both parties.

I’m not talking about those breakups.

Most women won’t admit this (neither will men), but let’s face it: if you’re having a reunion after a break up, you’re secretly wanting the other person to be like, “I love you, I need you, I was such an idiot, you’re the best thing in my life.”

What actually happens at these reunions is the following:



“How are you doing?”

Then an arguement of epic proportions breaks out OR Sobfest 2011 commences. How am I doing? I’ve lost 15 pounds because all I want to do is sleep. Thanks for asking?

There will be no comfort from these “closure” conversations, because you will end up more hurt than you did going in. Matter of fact. I mean, unless you’re meeting with this person because they begged to meet with you so they can profess their undying love and admit they were wrong, nothing will be resolved. You broke up. He doesn’t want to be with you. The reason doesn’t even matter at this point — he needs to figure out his career, the timing is off, he isn’t in love with you anymore, he doesn’t want to try hard enough, he’s moving, he found someone else — who cares? He broke things off. Swallow that pill and deal with it.

Another common reason for closure? Apologizing. We’ll want to meet with this person to apologize for things said and done. Listen, the time you need to apologize is when you get to the point where you can apologize, be sincere about it, and not get pissed that the person didn’t respond how you wanted them to.  That’s not going to be right after the breakup.

Let’s say the person comes back, crawling on their hands and knees (and please guys, don’t do that), would you even take them back? Have some dignity for pete’s sake. There’s as book entitled “It’s Called a Breakup because it’s Broken.” I haven’t read it, but what a great title. HELLO! You would still be with this person if all the questions and anxieties in your heart (and his/hers) were at peace, but you’re not, because they’re not. Getting back together with someone immediately after calling it off is like having a boss fire you and then bring you back in for a test run again a week later, only to really fire you a few weeks after that. It’s traumatizing! Not to mention you will have all this pent up anger and sadness, and a unhealthy dose of mad insecurity. That’s why you need time. Time, time, time, time, tiiiiiiiiiiiime! Time. (Just Friends reference, duh.)

I’m not saying couples can’t rekindle the flame, but they rekindle by breaking up correctly: a clean break. End it, wash your hands clean, and if it works out in the future, it works out. Plus, they probably have ample time to think, take care of themselves and their emotions, change what needs to be changed, etc. so they can be the best for each other later on.

If you’re meeting with someone for “closure” in hopes they’ll change their mind… good luck. It’s not going to happen. And if it does, how pathetic. Really. Why beg and plead for someone to be with you? You’re a “helluva guy” (or gal) (Nicki voice) and you deserve to have someone who wants to be with you and thinks you’re a gem! I’m not trying to shove sunshine up your bums but really, have some pride!

That’s the thing about breakups. Sometimes they happen and we have no ammo for the arsenal. It’s like, boom, you’re done, and we’re left with our head spinning. How could it have gone wrong? What is wrong with me? Nothing, my friends. Let me teach you guys the entertainment approach to dating.

You can hear 1,000 “No’s” in LA for every one “maybe.” It’s a cruel, cruel entertainment world. Sometimes, you may not hear anything at all, to be left in the abyss, wondering how you can get noticed. If you get down on yourself, you’ll never make it out here. And that’s how it is for dating. Just because someone tells you “no” and leaves you without any answers doesn’t mean you don’t keep trying in the future. You just keep on. You take those losses and move forward and learn from them to make yourself better. If you keep beating yourself up and subjecting yourself to the hurt of a failed relationship, you won’t bloom into what God has in store for you. I mean, it’s only fitting that I bust out some Katy Perry right here:

“If you only knew what the future holds, after a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe the reason why all the doors are closed so you can open one that leads you to the perfect road”

My credibility is probably shot after writing that but really, it’s true. Personally, I constantly remind myself that God knows his plan for my life and that if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. Whether it’s a job, getting an apartment, or a relationship, it will all work out the way it’s supposed to. And you should too.

I’m mostly speaking to women because we have an emotional pull, while men are more objective. We let our emotions take over our actions and sometimes it’s just not the best idea to meet up and get our “closure” we’ve been seeking. Sometimes it is, but a majority of the time let bygones be bygones.

Listen, love can move mountains. You can break up with someone and they end up being your happily wedded husband or wife a few years later. I’m not above believing in magic, miracles and romance. But during the breakup, don’t bring more hurt to your (and their) heart with your actions, before you ruin any chance of a future.

How’s that for closure?

Whoroscopic Evidence

Today’s post is really a Womentervention.

Ladies, why do we try to get past other women?

We’re all on to each other. We are each other, remember?  And men, when our intuition is bad about another woman, it’s not us being some psycho, jealous control freak. We have reasons because, like I said before, we are women. We know what drives other females; what their true motives are.

Yeah, I admit it. I’ve had some drama in my day. But now as I approach my mid-20s, all I can think about how desperately I try to avoid drama like the plague. I believe life has you do stupid crap in your past so that when you get to be an adult, you can easily smell the rats when they appear to be puppies: playful, fluffy, cute, harmless, yet really dirty scavengers looking to take what they can get, from whoever they can get it from.

The funniest thing to me is that when a girl tries to pull a fast one on me. I know almost immediately what’s up. It’s like God gave me whore-dar or something. Like, aw, I know she’s trying to keep the threat (moi) in close vicinity, so then when the crap (she will inevitably pull) goes down, she can be like, “But you’re my friend!” so it won’t sting as bad. However, most women know that when another woman tries excessively butter us up, kiss our ane, or for obtain our approval that really, she’s trying to get on our  “good side” because she’s about to do something sneaky (shitty?) — or has already done the dirty deed.

It all is just a matter of figuring out what she intends to do (have done), and when.

Let’s all have a come to Jesus right now: ladies, it’s not a good look when you pat another woman on the back, only to kick her down the stairs and she turns around to leave. It’s just juvenile. It reminds me of high school, when girls would get super close to me to try and steal my boyfriend, or the guy I was crushing on. It wasn’t so much to hurt me, as it was to prove to themselves they could get something they didn’t really even want in the first place. It was just a matter of obtaining it and moving on, and making sure other women couldn’t have it. Insecurity at its finest!

Writing that whole last paragraph was sickening. Barf. Who wants to be around that person, let alone BE that person? It’s so 2000 and late, honey. Actually, if we’re going based real time, it’s sooo 1900 and late.

Just do yourself a favor and don’t try to scam other women. We all know what’s going on. And in the end, you won’t be the one with any sort of prize (or pride); you’ll have to spend your time figuring out how to wash your hands clean of all the filth your life has been covered in. Yuck.

Ladies, leave your scams at home. Fellas, listen to us when we say a woman’s mind is blown.

Why successful men cheat? Here we go.

The world is in a state of Mentervention and this one is going to be a doozy.  I already know I’ll be elliciting phone calls from Mom and probably my Dad.

After the news broke of the Governator’s tryst with his staffer and their secret love child, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach wrote an article entitled, “Why Powerful Men Can’t Keep Their Pants On.” While it divulges plenty of things that, well, aren’t divulgences at all (“Men cheat not out of a sense of entitlement but out of a sense of insecurity”), it offers a view men would benefit from reading.

Have you read the article? Good. Here’s the thing though. If the most powerful men cheat for validation, and then there’s your standard normal dude who cheats for validation, and then that dude who really has nothing going for him cheats out of validation, it leads us to believe this common theme:

All men are insecure.

Well that’s great. Because I know women have plenty of insecurities too, but the thing is that most women don’t go out and hump the first man they see because they’re getting more attention/validation from another guy.  If anything, you notice women becoming more clingy to the person they’re committed to because they have this sense of insecurity.

So why do men thrust themselves into inappropriate trysts? This is going to sound conceited, arrogant, and what not, but the pattern I notice is that the guy is always doing the horizontal hokey pokey with women who don’t compare, in the slightest, to their wife, girlfriend, fiance, what-have-you. Tiger cheated on Elin with countless women, all of which resembled crack babies. Arnold’s mistress? I won’t even go there.

I’m not saying that these women should be based solely on their looks.  Because we all know skanks can have a herat of gold!  Have you seen Pretty Woman? But also, these chicks are gold diggers and usually have nothing going for themselves. They work at bars and clubs, or as a staffer, nanny, whatever.  They freeload off the guy and meanwhile, the guy’s accomplished woman is out drumming up a political debate or saving the world. It’s sickening.

So where the confusion starts is when you break down the criteria for why men cheat, as it appears that there is literally no reason whatsoever stopping men from cheating. Men cheat because they’re insecure, men cheat because they need validation that they are, in fact, “the man”; they cheat because they’re too insecure in breaking up with their current girlfriend because they need someone who can be their security blanket.  They cheat for reasons like, “she deserved it” or “she did it to me” or “she was HOT!” Or, my favorite, “I was drunk.”

As a woman, am I supposed to be living in fear? I’m not the person who grew up wanting to hang on another’s coattails. I definitely didn’t aspire to be a wife or a mom. I’m not knocking these things. What I’m saying is I grew up wanting to make a life for myself, not for  anyone else.  I never thought about the component of bringing in someone else to upgrade my income. I’ve wanted to do it all myself and then find someone to join together with because it was something I wanted, not something I needed.

But now that I read that men are insecure about absolutely everything, I’m petrified. How am I supposed to find any man at all when I have bigger-than-life dreams? That I want to do the unimaginable? Have independence yet conjoin with someone I love when the time is right?  Am I supposed to lower my standards for myself to make my partner feel good? So that he feels like “the man” and feels like he’s doing better than me because that what gender roles have taught us over the years?  That men are more successful than women?

Listen. It’s been proven that more women attain college degrees than men these days. I highly suggest if you’re a man living back in the 1970 mindset that you take a second to re-evaluate what you want in a woman and how you find your security in life. Is security for you money? Is it making more money than your friends? Your girlfriend? Your wife? Is it having a family? Is it being #1 all the time? What is security for you? For me, I aspire hope that when I find a man, that he has a strong relationship with God. I can hear some of you scoffing at me for typing that sentence, but I realized that my confidence in past relationships was based on not only the man’s faith, but our faith together. And I also realize now that I am put at peace when I talk to a man who is strong in God. It’s calming, because they are not rocked by wordly issues or transgressions. There is nothing they are shaken up with that cannot be resolved, and they are always resilient; they are openly compassionate and calm.

So yeah, I think you can see why those qualities would put any woman at ease. And not just women, but men too. If you find a woman like this, it will help build a relationship instead of going through the motions.

If men are insecure about these things, however, how are we expected to find one person to be with, monogomously, for the rest of our lives? I think about this daily. I think about what I see in the media, what I witness at work, and what happened in my family — my biological dad was having an affair on my mother before she decided to get a divorce. It’s hard to not be suspicious of everyone! However, my past few relationships, I have never had any concerns. I’m always the most suspicious after the breakup though, because it seems like they all move on so quickly that it’s impossible they weren’t seeing someone else on the side.

But also, I think this article should read like this: Successful men cheat because women let them. I’m not placing the blame on us, because you men should have a shred of a conscience to keep you from doing these things. But ladies, have some dignity, shall we? Grab your morals by the balls and hold on tight. It takes two to do the horizontal tango, so even if the guy is being a douche bag and making a move on you, you don’t have to give in. You don’t have to let him be a pig to his wife or girlfriend. Someone on Twitter once said, “The world would be a better place if men were more loyal and women were less skanky.” Amen. The wise words of Twitter.

It’s true though. We can’t control others, but we can control our own temptations. So ladies, next time your body is telling you “yes,” listen to your mind when it’s telling you “no.”

To wrap things up… guys, get over the insecurity excuse. It’s not an excuse at all, frankly, and nobody pities the man with “insecurities” who cheats.

You won’t regret it, no no

Guys, word to the wise: every one of you should own this song. Various people have sang it, but it doesn’t matter which one you download. Just do it.

“Try a Little Tenderness” needs to be in your repertoire of soft jams because first off, the lyrics are amazing and mean something to any woman.  Young, old, in love or heartbroken, happy or sad.  Listen to the lyrics, take a hint or thirty, learn something about how a woman needs to feel.

Second, if you happen to have this on your iTunes and you’re cooking dinner for a chick and it happens to come on? Hold on tight, because homegirl is going to lose her shit. I can’t speak for everyone, but if some dude was in the kitchen making me dinner and then this song came on? Oh honey. It’s O-VAH. Basically you’re saying, “I have great taste in music. And I happen to know exactly what you want, baby.” (Even if you don’t… still a good way to divert attention away from your inability to please a lady.)

So if you haven’t taken my cue and downloaded the song/looked up the lyrics, here they are.

Oh she may be weary
And young girls they do get wearied
Wearing that same old shaggy dress
Yeah yeah
But when she gets weary
Try a little tenderness, yeah yeah
Oh my my, huh

You know she’s waiting
Just anticipating
A thing that she’ll never
Never, never, never, never possess, yeah yeah yeah
But while she’s there waiting
And without them
Try a little tenderness
That’s all you gotta do

It’s not just sentimental, no no no
She has her grief and care
Yeah yeah yeah
But the soft words
They are spoke so gentle, yeah

It makes it easier
Easier to bare, yeah

You won’t regret it, no no
Young girls they don’t forget it
Love is their whole happiness, yeah
But it’s all so easy
All you’ve gotta do is, man
Hold her where you want her
Squeeze her, don’t tease her
Never leave her, get to her
Just try, try a little tenderness, yeah yeah yeah
You got to know how to love her, man
Take this advice, man
You got to squeeze her
Don’t tease her, never leave
You got to hold her
And brother, something else
Try a little tenderness, yeah yeah yeah yeah
You’ve got to tenderness, now, uh
I tell you, don’t lose her, no no
You got to love her, tease her
Don’t leave her
Got to try, now now now
Try, try a little tenderness, yeah
Watch the groove
You got to know what to do, man
Take this advice
You gotta love and squeeze
Don’t tease my baby
Love her, lord…

Sing it, girl

See, I made it so simple.  I love the Amber Riley (Glee Cast) version of the song, but some other fine versions include:

  • Michael Buble (swoon factor goes up about 10,000 notches)
  • Chris Brown (he’s got a good voice, yo)
  • Otis Redding (the original)
  • Michael Bolton (I laugh every time I type his name, but he makes the song SEXY. Even more sexy than it is alone.)

and of course, Frank.  (Sinatra, duh.)

Take your pick gents, and thank me later! At least your girlfriend (or whatever you call her) will.

The fruit is forbidden for a reason

ALRIGHT men.  Put on your seatbelts because I’m about to throw you all through the ringer.

What is it with you guys and women who are… shall we say… ‘forbidden?’

Maybe I’m just neurotic, but I feel like most men have a wandering eye.  Actually, you know what?  I’m tired of making excuses for myself.  I’m not neurotic.  I’ve had infidelity and disrespect in my relationships, and let me tell you, IT SUCKS.


At first I thought it was just me, which is bullcrap, because why wouldn’t some guy want to make me their #1?  This is not a PSA to date me or anything, but as Daryl, the SVP of one of the companies I work for and the former Director of Retail Marketing for Nike (as well as Jordan Brand’s Global Marketing Director), put it, “You will make some man very happy someday, Kirbie.”

YES.  Not like I needed a man to tell me that in the first place, but it never hurts to hear that stuff.  Right?  I mean, he has credentials from Nike so that makes him important in my book.  (PS: that quote makes him sound creepy, but we were talking about basketball and who I thought should be traded to and from the Lakers, what I think needs to happen for Chi to pull off a win tonight, and more importantly, my new Nikes.  This obviously upped my awesomeness in eyes.)

So now that I’ve hopped off my high horse, like I was saying, at first I thought it was just me that was the issue.  But as it turns out, all guys like the forbidden fruit.  As if this wasn’t acted out in real life enough (Tiger, anyone?), Something Borrowed (the movie) made this even more plain and clear.

For example?

When Dex (who is cheating with his fiance’s best friend, Rachel) thinks Rachel is sleeping with some other guy.  The MINUTE he hears this (which buy the way, she’s not), he’s calling her incessantly, texting her a thousand times.  He’s all about Rachel the minute she grows some gonads and starts to ignore him.  Then, Ethan (Rachel’s bestie) confesses his love (“like”) for her, and says something to the effect that he liked her even more when he found out she was in love with someone else.


Here’s how most women operate:

Go out to the club, bar, party, gathering, what-have-you —> meet a guy  —> have  a great conversation with him, and then one of three things happen:  1) Look towards the ring finger.  Anything on it?  Yes, proceed with caution. No, work some magic and see what happens.  2) Ask your friends about his relationship status.  Revert to the yes/no directions from #1.  3) Inquire about his relationship status during your convo.  Again, revert to the yes/no directions from #1.

See, women will always inquire about the/a relationship.  Why?  Because we’re curious, and we don’t trust any man to be loyal or honest to their woman. Because frankly, men, whether in a relationship or not, will flirt with other women.  Sometimes the girlfriend can be in the same room and he’ll flirt with another woman.  And of course the girlfriend will be pissed at the other girl, but really, we’re pissed because our boyfriends can’t seem to keep their eyes only on us.  And I don’t need any backtalk from you women who have found those guys who don’t “look around.”  Let’s just pretend all men are like this for this post’s sake, okay?  Thanks.

Don’t believe me?  I kissed a guy once, who, for the record, I was not interested in. (Pesky shots…)  Two weeks later, he admitted to me that he had a girlfriend, she was pissed (apparently as he was getting my number, she called and the phone answered, and she heard him talking to another girl),  and might or might not be calling my work to ask about what happened.  I mean, I don’t roll around kissing men who are taken.  I just assume if someone is going to lay one on me, they’re single.  But I guess that’s ludicrous at this point.

Is cheating on your girlfriend ever a good idea? No.  Is helping someone else cheat on their significant other (knowingly) ever a good idea?  NO.

More importantly, women usually back off from the guys with the girlfriend (unless they’re vengeful skanks that have Daddy issues and are in constant need of attention.  In that case, they’ll work harder to “steal” the man from their girlfriend.  Ladies, if your boyfriend takes the bait and actually gets with, or worse, hooks up with the vengeful slut… then you shouldn’t have been with him anyway.  May they be happy together in Hell.).  We’re not all like, “Oh, you have someone you’re with already?  That makes you even more attractive!”  Yes, I’ll admit that it seems like all the good guys are taken these days, but I’m not trying to steal a man from another woman.  I’m one of those chicks who puts herself in another woman’s shoes.  I’m all about the womanly bond and I’m not here to shatter it into pieces, ya hear?

I think it’s not so much the forbidden aspect of a woman, but the chase.  Even if a girl is single, if she doesn’t give the man the time of day, for whatever reason this makes her more appealing.  Maybe this even makes her mysterious to some men.  Who knows.  Ladies, if you’re looking for love, perhaps playing games with their heart works the best?  Oh LIFE.  So complicated.

Point being: guys, please, get your acts together.  If you meet a chick and she’s awesome, and you like her, or if you LOVE HER, and then you don’t act on it, and then she meets someone else, it’s your loss.  I fully believe that life works out the way it should.  So if you didn’t act on it, then maybe it’s because you weren’t supposed to.  If you did, then it will work out the way it’s supposed to.  But chasing after women who are hard-to-get is an effort to be saved for those women who are single, not the ones who are in a relationship.

Gracias in advance, and denada for the insight.  🙂