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Men: Your Turnoffs Are Slightly Idiotic

My friend Emily sent me a link last week from Jezebel. It’s a few months old, but that didn’t take away from its relevance or how hilarious it is. This woman, Lindy West, is a woman after my own heart. Because she likes to mix relationship commentary with some good, old fashioned LOLs.

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Her commentary, perfectly written in her post, “Listen Up, Ladies: Here’s Everything Real Men Think is Wrong With You,” highlights several “turnoffs” “real men” have, according to Yahoo. A few of the treats include:

– false lashes, fake hair

– applying body lotion

– taking too much time to put on makeup

– wet hair

– using a hair dryer, wearing heels (before work to get ready)

– hair roots showing too much

– doing manicures themselves

– being low maintenance

You can read the entire thing here. Trust me, you’ll want to, because it’s LOL-worthy. But guys, if you’re reading this, I’m going to be frank with you because some of these answers are bloody absurd.

First, let me just define turnoff for you: “A person or thing that causes someone to feel bored, disgusted, or sexually repelled.” So you’re telling me, guys, that you are bored with a woman when she takes too long to put on makeup and dry her hair — something she’s doing to make herself look good for you? You are “sexually repelled” by women who go to sleep with their hair wet? According to this Yahoo! survey, yes, yes you are.

I know you wish your woman would wake up with beautiful, shiny hair and look absolutely runway worthy without makeup. But that’s a pipedream you’re going to need to get rid of immediately, because most of us don’t look this good at the crack of dawn. Truth is, someone of us need glasses, our hair will look like a stump full of granddaddies, we’ve probably drooled on our pillows that night, and have very appearent blemish cream on our faces that make us look like we have leopard spots, all so that you don’t have to look at a face full of acne. If you think we’re going to look like Olivia Wilde in the morning, you are sorely mistaken, because she is literally the only human being capable of looking like that without a stich of makeup. Because she isn’t real. Round of applause for Jason Sudeikis. Everyone can be improved upon with a little bit of cosmetics.

The interesting thing about this article is that men range from “you are trying too hard, ladies” to “you aren’t trying hard enough.” Please, just shut up. If you are with a woman who is too low maintenance for your standards, dump her. If she is too high maintenance, kiss her goodbye. She may be nice, she may be pretty, and she may enjoy college football just as much as you do, but if you’re going to complain about how long it takes her to get ready in the morning, it’s time to let that ship sail. Because that’s a losing battle.

First off, I know half of your dream women include a Victoria’s Secret Angel, Kate Upton, Rihanna, Erin Andrews or Kate Beckinsale. They’re all gorgeous. But while you’re admiring that Angel on the catwalk, please note that she has at least six tracks of clip-in extensions in, they’ve airbrushed her makeup for a “natural glow,” she’s probably had two airbrush tans, and those lashes that look so natural? Most likely they’re curled, have extensions, or are individuals glued on. While they may be stunning, they’ve had some help. It’s not 100% au natural, as you have envisioned in your heads.

The kicker for me is that half of the things the men complained about are all things that a) most men usually have no idea a woman is wearing (or not wearing), or b) things men tend to like and grativate toward. For instance, the dude griping about the woman wearing heels and making too much noise by wearing them: you like the illusion of long legs, gents? Well stop griping about the heels. And the at-home manicure — you’d be complaining if we spent too much money to get a $30 set of gel nails, so let the woman paint her own nails! It’s therapeautic sometimes after a long day of our boyfriend nagging us about sleeping on a pillow with wet hair.

Also, I’m going to say it. I’ve worn fake hair. I’ve worn faux lashes. And when I get married, my husband will be like “DAYUM. Our wedding photos look out of control” and it will be because my hair is thick and flowing and my eyes look definied and beautiful. On the hair note, no man has ever figured it out. (Cat’s out of the bag now I suppose). But unless he’s running his hands through my hair — which he sure as hell ain’t doing unless we’re at the point where we’re close enough for me to say ‘listen dude, I have a weave’ — then he’s happy sure to be thrilled that my hair looks awesome. Which, by the way, I’m sure he won’t, because MEN USUALLY DON’T CARE ABOUT HOW LONG OR THICK OR WAVY OR STRAIGHT YOUR HAIRS ARE.

Except these men in the poll. Clearly.

I’m by no means saying you need anything “fake” to make you look fabulous, ladies. Whether it’s a little lip gloss and blush, putting on a moisturizer, or just a few strokes of a paddle brush through your hair, we all do a little “something” to make us feel better (and look better). Men, get used to it. This sounds more of communication issue though. If your girlfriend has a problem with screwing lids on correctly, why not express your pissed off-ness to them instead of writing into a survey like some passive-aggressive weirdo?

Anyway men, the real takeaway here is stop complaining — half of these primping and pampering routines we have? It’s to make you happy.

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I can’t make this up: October 17th edition

I’m a glutton for punishment. I take that back: I’m a glutton for watching others be punished, which is exactly what happens in online dating. Although I took myself off OKStupid OKCupid, I’m back. For dating? No. For blogs? Yes. And the messages are better (or worse, depending on how you look at it) than ever.

You know how these work: I leave out usernames and photos, because I’m not a life-ruiner. I’m more of a Carly Simon, “I bet you think this song is about you” kind of gal, instead of a Taylor Swift “guess which song is about Jake Gyllenhaal” kind of lady. Maybe someday I’ll tread into Swifty territory but for right now I think keeping things anonymous = good karma.

OKC is anonymous, but let’s be real here, I’d respond the way I do to some of these creeps without hiding behind a screen name. 

The Argumentative Pr*ck

I don’t respond to messages unless the guy really pisses me off. This guy was offensive on so many levels that I just… well, just read. 

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I had no idea what this meant. Religion? Probably. He definitely couldn’t be talking about how there’s no possible way the mansions on X Factor were actually the judges real homes. Further inquiry: 

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The “Size Queen”

This guy has a shirtless photo of himself as his avatar, and references his “size” in his username. I’m so over the 50 Shades of Grey train. (Saying anything after that book title just sounds foul.)

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The Basher

Never thought I’d get a guy who actually bashes women on a dating site, but hey, that’s what OKC is all about: surpassing your douchiest expectations. I obviously had to say something back. (GED comment thanks to my dearest Slim and our most recent trip to Vegas.)

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He never got back to me…

The Sister Lover

I’m so utterly confused by this message. Is he calling me uncool? We have a pseudo-connection based on our (poor) Match percentages, but it’s not as good as his connection with this sister? I’m so lost. I think he meant well, but it turned out a little too much like a Honey Boo Boo reference for me. 

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WTF

If you happen to have extra time to make a fake account on OKC and then use that line as your opener… you shouldn’t be dating.

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The thing about OKC that I will never understand is why men post photos from behind, in the dark, with their faces covered; while they’re white water rafting from 20 miles away; posing with an ex-girlfriend, taking shirtless selfies in the bathroom, etc. Just. don’t. get. it. Those photos are not attractive, sometimes are fully embarrassing, and somewhat of a sham, considering most people would like to see what the other looks like, given they can’t be there in person. Guys, do everyone a solid if you’re really trying to get out there and date and post a decent photo of your face.

But MAN. Aren’t photos deceiving? I have plenty photos of myself where I look like I’m 5’9 and could possibly be 20 pounds lighter, when in fact, it was a great camera angle and superior lighting. Ladies and gents, don’t pretend you don’t have those poses down to a SCIENCE. In our Facebook-dependent society, knowing how to take a proper photo without looking cross-eyed, frumpy and double-chinned is a skill. A SKILL!

Also, the ones that message you multiple times after you haven’t written them back: desperation, anyone? Not only are you annoying me, you are proving to be needy before we’ve ever met. (And we-eeeeeee won’t ever, ever, ever… since it’s my strict policy to never meet menz from the internets. (Unless Clay Matthews sees this and in that case… make it happen, CMIII.) 

Regardless, it’s nice to have a reminder of why I’m happily single. 

Your intuition… it will lead you in the right direction

Ladies, guess what? Your intuition? Yeah, it’s there for a reason. The theme of “gut instinct” has been overwhelmingly present in my life the past couple of weeks, so I’m just going to take a hunch that I need to blog about it.

This video has nothing to do with this post except that it says “Intuition” too…

Many of my girlfriends the past three weeks have all told me something, in their own relationship, that they’ve had a “gut instinct” about. Either they knew they were going to be proposed to, or felt something was “off.” Listen loves — those instincts don’t come out of nowhere. It’s God planting little seeds to either prepare you or protect you.

For instance, I remember one night with an ex-boyfriend. We were with a group of people at a carnival of sorts, and overall I think we had a great time. But for whatever reason, as we were walking together through the crowd of people, my got a huge knot in my stomach. Something wasn’t right. I knew something was off, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

Fast forward a week. I remember at the time that said boyfriend had mentioned something about a girl named Paige being pretty, she was so-and-so’s friend and I didn’t really get to meet her — but I didn’t think twice about it. I’m not ashamed of what I’m about to say because EVERYONE DOES THIS so I’m not beating myself up about it (anymore at least). I went through his phone… while he was in the shower. Sue me!!!!!!  I wasn’t suspicious (at the time) — just curious — and I remember not only finding a convo where one of his friends was talking sh*t about my uncle (super!!!!) but I also found a text between himself and a friend — about Paige.

Mind you, I had wanted to name my first born daughter Paige, but God knows that’s all out the window. Basically they were both fighting over this chick that they both met once because, apparently, she was SOOOO HOT that her blinding hotness meant more than their girlfriends they had been dating for who-knows-h0w-long at this point. So they were fighting over who had “dibs” on her. It was one of those moments that I vowed I’d never go through a boyfriend’s phone again. And trust me — I never will. And yeah, I ‘fessed up and confronted him. Womp womp.

Point being? I had an intuition that something wasn’t right, and I was correct.

So here’s where I begin the real honesty time. I don’t even know where to go with this because a) I had no commitment from this person but b) I would venture to say we were somewhat dating? I really have no idea. Everything is so dicey in LA when it comes to who you’re a dating and all of that crap. He was paying for dinner and at the end of the day, that’s a date, regardless of if you want it to be not — SO I’VE BEEN TOLD, given in college I went out with someone I thought was a friend, but he paid for everything, so all of my friends in turn told me that I officially went on a date. Super. Moral of that story: pay for your own crap unless you really like the guy.

Anyway, I had been “dating” this guy casually for a few weeks and we were having a great time. Or so I thought. WHO KNOWS, he could have found me mildly annoying but attractive enough to deal with, or he could have been smitten. I really have NO IDEA. What I do know is that he was helpful, fun, we had a great time together (or did we? Again, I’m pretty much lost at this point), and I liked being around him. We hung out a handful of times — maybe two handfuls; he pursued me, which I enjoyed, because as most of you know, I am the arranger/Mother Hen/person who tends to organize everyone, so any time a person goes after me, it’s attractive. Then I peaced out for the holidays.

Which is when things got kind of weird. No… they straight up just got BIZARRE. I don’t even want to talk about this because while I’m disappointed with how the whole thing turned out, I have no sour feelings about this person. I like him. He’s ‘good people.’ I would hang out with him on a regular, friendly basis, which is a rarity because, well, I’m selective in who I associate with. But I’m also a person who whole-heartedly believes things happen in my life so I can share them on my blog. Kind of bizarre logic, but work with me here. By me sharing my experiences, you can either a) squirm in humiliation for for me or b) get a good laugh. Either/or. So the point of this whole paragraph is to reference that I’m not writing to mock or ridicule this person.

This guy is someone I “knew” for awhile. I use that term loosely, because we never hung out. But we knew of each other. I was intrigued with the fact that he had a good job and seemingly had his shit together, because, as this blog depicts to a T — most men in LA are a little “touched” — as my grandma liked to call it. (In other words, they have a lot of problems.)

He made reservations for dinner. Do you understand what that feels like? It’s sexy. It’s like “Look, I’m taking the initiative to make sure that when we get to the restaurant, you don’t have to stand in your heels for 30 minutes while we wait for a table.” I dig that. And when you don’t have reservations made for you, ever, it’s HUGE — am I right, ladies? I’m so right. Clearly, I am easily amused.

So a myriad of other things attracted me to him but mostly it was just a fun fling. Nothing serious, no commitment — just good times and no worries. I like that because I’m not trying to settle down anytime soon and I just started a new job, which my entire life revolves around at this point.

LONG STORY SHORT: I went home for the holidays and felt, gut instinct-wise, that something was up. I hadn’t heard from him in a few days, which was weird because we were communicating almost every day, and I felt kind of let down, but wasn’t too concerned.

Until I got on Twitter.

I need to preface this whole thing with the fact that my friend Taryn calls me “Nancy Drew” because of my superb investigation skills. Trust, I have broken into emails before. That might be highly illegal and nothing to boast about, but I should probably start prepping myself for a future in private investigation. Twitter and Facebook? IT’S NOTHING. No sweat. Tell me what you want to find out, I’ll get it for you. Who is your ex-boyfriend dating? Well, I’m not friends with him, but I will tell you her name, send you a photo and identify at least two friends and hobbies of hers. (If you are my friend, I will also tell you that you are waaaaay prettier and she is a ho because that’s just how good of a friend I am.)

For the love, this is so long. GET TO THE POINT ALREADY! So anyway, I was at home, bored, and I crawled in bed with my iPad on got on Twitter. I decided to look at his page. I feel like a Twitter page tells so much about a person. Their writing voice, their grammar, how many followers they have, who follows them — all interesting to me. It tells a little story.

So do their tweets.

Pretty much, I found a tweet of his (easy because he didn’t have many), directed at someone else, that intrigued me enough to click on that person’s name, which took me to their public profile. It was a girl. She looked familiar. It was his ex-girlfriend. And on her page, I discovered that she had flown to where he was for Christmas and was either a) in the area and they were hanging out (which helps me to understand why he was MIA) or b) spending the holiday with him.

I remember seeing it and being like, “What the f*ck?” (Dirty mouth. Sorry.) And then getting a little sad. Like, well, that sucks. I mean… I don’t know. He didn’t owe me anything, he could have had this planned for forever; I wouldn’t have told somebody new that I was seeing that I was going to be hanging out with my ex during the “most wonderful time of the year” either. So I was stuck in somewhat of a rut.

While I wanted no commitment, I also didn’t want to be on his “ho train” of women. I exaggerate that but really, if you’re dating other people, totally fine, just let me know. I don’t want to be one of 17…. or even one of three or four. That’s too much like The Bachelor for me and it grosses me out, espesh as a germaphobe. Furthermore, it’s a Case of The Ex. That’s always a losing battle — if someone isn’t over their ex, the ex will always win… or they’ll shack together. Either/or.

Anyway, things obviously fizzled. I saw him one time when I got back and had fun, but at the end of the day, I felt weird bringing up The Ex Factor because, well, that’s weird, and I kind of knew in the back of my mind that if he didn’t bring it up himself, that something, most definitely, was going or went on between them. I’ve all but confirmed that things are a cookin’ between them now, and he has since fallen off the planet in Kirbie’s Dream World.

But really, who am I to interfere in a rekindling of any sort? Wishing him the best, regardless.

#WompWompWOOOOMP

Outside of my dating life being nonexistent now, and spilling to you guys the trials and tribulations of finding a decent guy to take me to dinner, learn this: Go with the gut instincts people. Your intuition is the greatest power you possess.

The Million Dollar Match

Most of you who read Kirbie Goes to Hollywood are aware that I joined Match.com three weeks ago. I received a free six month subscription from the one and only Ellen, as in Degeneres — as in I was on the show, some couple got engaged, won a $50,000 check from Match.com and everyone in the audience got to join for free.

I have always had issues with online dating sites. Mostly because they all have terrible connotations associated with them, partly because I feel like I shouldn’t have to go online to meet people. Because, as the connotation goes, people on the internet are weird. They do bizarre things. However, when you live in LA, meeting people who aren’t just concerned with what you do or aren’t only talking to you because they’re hoping to remove your underwear later on in the night is very are, my friends. Nobody here is looking for love, because frankly everyone is always looking for something better. I have to admit that I am holding out for a certain linebacker who currently lives in Wisconsin. Those dreams may just remain that: dreams. However, in La La Land, we all believe we are capable of better.

And frankly, I believe (truly) that I am capable of dating better men than the pipsqueak on Match.com, who is 21, who only is interested because he liked my photos, and probably has no direction in his life whatsoever.

Contrary to popular beilef, some men on Match aren’t pizza-faced, video game nerds. There are some hotties on Match.com. I base hotness on a few things: their photo hasn’t been edited AT ALL, the photos are close up, and they’re straight on — no weird angles (and no kayak photos from 50 feet away). Speaking of, I have to wonder why men feel like putting 7,000 photos of themselves kayaking or a photo of them doing a kegstand from 15 feet away is going to get them a woman. I can’t tell what you look like, but you like to be outdoors and can chug that beer! Yay!

Basically I decided to give Match.com complete hell when looking for a match. My specifications are as follows: He had to be a Christian (somewhat difficult in LA). He had to be between 6’2 and 6’9. And he had to be between the ages of 26-32.

Christian is obvious. I went for 6’2 because most guys lie about their height. Delusional is actually the more accurate word. Oh, you’re 6’0? No, you’re really 5’10. They all like to stretch the truth just a little bit, thinking girls like me don’t notice. But not this gal. What can I say, I’m attracted to tall guys. And the age thing: I’m not trying to date anyone younger than me, and I feel a two year age difference is a good jumping off point. I’m also not trying to date someone whose screenname is “AmysDad.” Woof.

Frankly, I can’t see myself actually going out on Match.com, but it’s incredibly intriguing and empowering to get online and pick and choose who you want to talk to. It’s like shopping for a man! I think it’s important to realize that places like Match.com or eHarmony aren’t sites where you hide behind a profile and never meet the person, similar to those weirdo chatroom type relationships you see depicted in the movies or on TV. It’s kind of like going to a bar, but you’re meeting someone through communication (and looks), instead of alcohol and looks.

So I get frequent emails from Match saying “so and so has winked at you” or “so and so has sent you an email.” I don’t know if there is a template for men on how to approach a woman online, but mostly every email I get goes something like this:

Hey Kirbie,

Hows your weekend going? I see we have some things in common and i liked what i read about you so far. I’d like to get to know you better over coffee sometime. How’s that sound?
 
Hmm. Sounds engaging. I REALLY want to respond to that! How about stating something we have in common? Or what you liked about me? Why not get to know me a tad more before asking me out to coffee, a huge commitment in my mind? That would be a great start.
 
Then there are some special emails. Ones that stand out from the rest. These deserve to be shared with the world.
 
Let me introduce you to Laurence. I’m going to show you a video, only because he told me to Google him and look him up.
 
(The video wouldn’t let me embed it.)
 
Yeah. That’s right. This guy was on Millionaire Matchmaker. While this might make him automatically swoon-worthy to some women, I have some reservations about this. If you tell me you’re setting me up with a guy and he was recently a featured millionaire on Millionaire Matchmaker, I’m already deeply offended. Here’s why:
  • Those guys are heinous (for the most part)
  • Most have zero personality, and they can get away with it because they’re loaded (for the most part)
  • They constantly talk about their money, what they have, and what they can do for you, but nothing really of substance (for the most part)
  • Why do you think Patti Stanger hates them all so much? (for the most part)
  • Basically you’re telling me I look like a woman who is attracted to guys with tons of money and have zero respect for myself (for the most part)
So I decide to not judge a book from this absolutely ridiculous email that was pretty much a walking billboard for “I’m a douche with a ton of money and pretty much have zero personality, charm, or good looks for that matter,” and looked at his profile.
 
 
Here’s the abbreviated version of his “About Me”:
 
 I consider myself good natured & kind. I love to cook & hit the gym most days. I’ve always been conscientious about keeping my life in balance & have never worked long hours. (Starts off alright enough.) I’ve been very fortunate with the vitamin business I started as a youth & still work because I love my job. I’m very decisive & reliable. Here are a few things that are very important to me in a finding the right woman; I hope I’m not expected to e-mail back & forth… I’m looking for a passionate love, not a pen pal. If a person won’t speak I’ll assume they’re; not serious, just attention seeking or a fake profile. It’s way too time consuming to go through all this just to have someone slow me down w/ email after email. All grown ups speak on the phone… daily. Slow movers don’t understand or respect the value of time & how fast life passes us by. The net is a great way to find someone but not the way I choose to get to know them. (Honestly, this guy has some issues and I can already tell by this paragraph alone. Rushing into talking on the phone? I barely do that with my boss and I’m around him nine hours a day and have known him for a year. Not to mention he feels the need to belittle people by wanting to get to know a stranger within the comfortable confines of the internet… furthermore, even if he didn’t mention this stuff, I’m not interested because he has a terrible writing voice.)
 
I’m affectionate quickly & I need a woman who is as well. Success favors the courageous.
(While true, this statement sounds sadistic)
 
Chemistry is #1 & I need to know it’s there WHILE I invest my time/energy/soul. OK, back to me… my diet is organic & mainly raw/vegan. I love animals… especially my dog… If a woman makes a good living that’s great but it’s not on my list of priorities. (Basically reaffirms my initial thought of gold diggers jumping his bones)
 
If you’re a UFC fan you may have seen me ringside during the broadcast sponsoring the show w/ my vitamin company. They put my logo in the center of the octagon (search the net for liddell vs white to see a clip). I also competed in a submission match for the UFC in 2007. I was on season 2 of Bravo TV’s The Millionaire Matchmaker (search the net for different millionaires to see a clip). Thanks for reading
 
OH. LAW. After reading this, my maternal instinct set in. I sure as hell don’t want to date someone who gives Patti Stanger as a reference, but hey, he could use some help. He’s basically advertising the following: “I’m rich. I’m above human with my organic/raw diet. I need affection immediately. I’m rich. I’m rich. I’m on TV. I’m rich.”
 
This pretty much means every girl with outstanding loans and daddy issues is jumping on him within a 50 mile radius. So I decide to “help” him by giving him some advice. Oh, by the way, here’s what he said to me initially:
 
Nice profile Kirbie 🙂 If you’d like to get a better look at me you can see a funny clip from a TV show I was on (The Millionaire Matchmaker) if you google different millionaires. It only works on a computor not a cel phone. If you’re interested in my work there’s a clip from the UFC with my logo center octagon (youtube liddel vs white). Nice to meet you 🙂
 
Thanks for reiterating both of those items. Because they surely make you more attractive, and I want to base my relationships on how you appeared on the side of a UFC ring and during Millionaire Matchmaker.
 
Here’s my response:
 
Hi there! I didn’t want to ignore you but I do want to offer you advice. You’re not going to reel in a woman worth keeping by openly advertising your money, status, belongings, etc. Putting pictures of The Millionaire Matchmaker and your home/cars is not attractive to most women seeking true love, given most of them don’t care about those things. You’re going to acquire women who are looking for a sugar daddy, not true love. They might look good, but they won’t treat you right.I hope that isn’t harsh. However, it’s true. I would recommend taking it from a different approach. Talk about what makes you passionate in life. Don’t boast about what you have, rather take things that are important to you and project them on your profile. You’re an attractive man (Note: I didn’t want to tear him down, and I think he is probably attractive to other women), so once you go on a date and get to know a girl better, then you can tell her about your millions and your nice cars and your UFC sponsorship. Those things will all be complimentary to dating a nice guy, and won’t be the focal point of the relationship.Also, most people watch Millionaire Matchmaker and gag because 99% of the men on the show are terrible, with zero personality, and only know how to do one thing: talk about money to make up for their lack of wit and charm. I’m not saying that is you, because I haven’t seen your episode, (your profile reaffirms this) however it proves my point that assumptions can be made just by being associated with the show. Don’t let women use that as a reason to not date you. Get my point?

Anyway, I’m off to a birthday. Hope you have a great weekend and enjoy your extra hour of sleep!

I know I went in with guns blazing, so I was expecting a rather heated email back. Which I received not even 30 minutes later:
 
I would have rather you ignored me. If I wanted advice I would ask for it… Dr Phil. Save your negativity. Here’s some advice for you. If a guy sends you a message & you’re not interested, don’t respond… just hit the block button at the bottom of this page. If you can keep you’re negative energy & insecurities about money in check & you’re interested in me hit me back. If not DON’T CONTACT ME AGAIN.
 
Thank you, Laurence! I so needed help on how to handle a man of your caliber, since clearly I have no dating skills and am riddled with insecurities. Also, what happened to “good natured” and “kind?” I thought those people remained calm and collected in these instances.
 
I should have just left it alone, but really, I feel like asshats in this town need someone to bring them off that cloud their floating on and hit them with a dose of reality… whether it’s harsh or not.
 
I haven’t found true love on Match.com, which is great considering I’m not there to find love. Maybe I’m duping people by thinking this way, but whatever. It’s a win-win: I stay on and get ammunition for this blog, or find someone to date. Perfection. I doubt I will though, unless #52 appears on there anytime soon.
 
There are so many more interactions that need to be written about. Until next time…

Bachelor Pad Recap: Move on already

Do you watch Bachelor Pad? Embarrassingly so, I do. It’s my guiltiest of pleasures, more guilty than Jersey Shore. At least in Jersey Shore, they’re paid to be there and they’re not subjecting themselves to complete humilation by way of group competitions. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Jersey Shore is an embarrassment, but Bachelor Pad goes above and beyond.

Holly and Michael engaged

CliffsNotes version: Michael and Holly, both castoffs from previous Bachelorette/Bachelor seasons, met, hit it off and started a relationship. Michael proposed to Holly last year. For whatever reason, she said no. I think they broke up, then got back together, and then Michael ended things with Holly about three months before Bachelor Pad.

 Everyone knows if a contestant is doing a confessional about how they hope their ex won’t be in the house, that they will be. So of course Michael and Holly are reunited after a broken engagement and are forced to live together.

Holly is heartbroken because of Michael; Michael can’t get past that Holly rejected his proposal, but he still loves her so he’s pretty much going to make her life miserable in the house, unintentionally of course.

Here’s the deal: everyone is rooting for Michael and Holly to reignite the flame. However, after winning a few of the competitions, Michael takes Holly out on dates and she confesses (to the cameras, not to him) thats he feels like perhaps they’re meant to be just friends and aren’t supposed to be together; meanwhile, you have Michael crying and confessing his undying love for Holly.

This is peculiar for me. So…. now that Holly is in a house with other men who find her attractive, Michael wants her back? Huh. Who would have thought.

Anyway, last night, Blake, the hot dentist, wins the kissing competition and invites Holly on a date. This causes a fury in Melissa, the house psychopath, because she likes Blake/thought they had an alliance. So Holly and Blake go on this date and Holly is a little hesitant (because of Michael and Melissa), but once they fly to the mountains to ski, she lets her guard down and has a great time. I mean, I know it’s reality TV, but I saw some chemistry between Holly and Blake.

Blake kissing Holly

Meanwhile Michael is at home thinking the worse because Holly has been gone, overnight, with another man for at least 36 hours and she still isn’t home. Holly is in a cabin with Blake making out.

Of course the editing makes Holly seems like the bad guy here. But really, what the hell? Girlfriend denied your proposal and then you dumped her. Sounds like this relationship is more than over, Michael. It’s been lit on fire and burned to ashes. Move on. Let Holly be with Blake. Relationships aren’t supposed to be that hard.

Everyone is still cheering on Holly and Michael, hoping for reconciliation. Last night, Michael kissed Holly, and all she’s been doing in the confessionals is crying because she likes Blake but doesn’t want to hurt Michael. Ohhhh Holly. I have been in your position before and let me just say that you can love someone but not want to be with them. It’s a sad thing to come to terms with. But you shouldn’t stick with someone just because you’re trying to mend their heart.

I’d like to extend that piece of advice to everyone reading. Staying in a relationship to avoid conflict, drama and heartbreak is not worth your time. In fact, it’s a waste of time. Move on to bigger and better (and healthier) relationships and accept that your old relationship has served its purpose.

I’m just hoping for entertainment’s sake that Holly kicks Michael to the curb at some point because we all know she’s better with Blake, but given Holly & Michael are partners in the game, it should create quite the controversy.

Ye ole D-bags: Robert Kardashian

Rob and hoe

I didn’t want to have to do this, because I love the Kardashians. In fact, I fancied Rob at one point; the quiet amongst the storm of K’s. The younger brother with a careful heart, who was in love with his girlfriend.

Then he cheated on her.

I can forgive that. Everyone makes mistakes. But then things got weird. Remember the episode where he talks about his “nickname” to stepdad Bruce? Let me refresh your memory.

“You know what they call me, right?”

“What’s that?”

“Young slay.”

“I thought they called you tiny penis?”

Let’s stop there. Young Slay? Oh, HOW original, Rob. I haven’t heard 17,000 other men here in LA refer to themselves (embarrassingly) as a woman slayer, but I’m glad to you know you’re poking random women with your disco stick and, furthermore, proudly announcing it to the universe a) on your TV show and b) with an idiotic nickname.

Remember that time he got a chick pregnant? I feel like he’s been in the limelight enough to know to wrap it up. I mean, let’s get real here: the guy has zero jobs (no, semi-managing Beach Girl 5 doesn’t count). He has a college degree and is spending the day scratching himself, eating Doritos and playing Halo. Real ambitious, Rob. Oh yeah, and he doesn’t live with his parents anymore! He lives with his sister and her husband. Upgrade!

 I’m sure the family has said it enough, but is anyone attracted to this guy other than the fact that his sisters are all Kardashians?  I am not remotely close to being attracted to him, anymore at least. Hey, maybe he’ll pull his head out and start making his own life, but it seems that he lacks determination it seems… the standard when it comes to being filthy rich. Some of the children may grow up with drive and perseverance; one will probably be left in the dust, since they have been handed everything their entire life. Sad, really. Actually, the really sad part is that after years of not doing anything for themselves, the one time they decide to do something mediocre, everyone applauds them for it.

However, none of the aforementioned things compare when it comes to the hideous display of douchbaggery on his Twitter account:

Verbatim: “Getting a mani/pedi at my crib. Yes I just said that. I get it done once a week. A Woman doesn’t want dirty fingers in her mouth. ROSS!”

Okay. No idea what the Ross reference is, but so help me God — if my little brother ever posted this on Twitter… I would put an immediate end to this idiocracy. Probably by breaking a few of his fingers. “A woman doesn’t want dirty fingers in her mouth?” Filthy, Rob. Just filthy. What a moron.

So Rob, here’s your RSA. Pull yourself together, stop living off your family’s coattails and act like a man. To men everywhere: women need a man they feel secure and safe with. If a man is living off his parents (or whoever) and seems to have no agenda of his own, it’s not looking sunny for the future.

Update: Rob has been confirmed for Dancing with the Stars. Given his current work ethic, I can’t foresee him moving forward in the competition. Maybe Nancy Grace will give him a good tongue lashing to whip him into shape.

Update 2: Rob apparently is going on the show to lose weight. He’s now over 200 pounds. Hmm. I haven’t seen him in awhile, so I never really noticed. He also said, “My mom basically forced me to do this show.” Sounds like a champion!

The gift card debacle

Alright. We had a debate the other day regarding “loaner” engagement rings, if we can call it that. But another interesting topic was brought up at work.

I was making a Starbucks run when one of my colleagues said he’d pay for mine and handed me a gift card (with a smirk). I was thrilled given I ran through my $800 worth of Starbucks cards that I got for Christmas and my birthday in December last month (I have a problem).

Then, my boss starts to carry on. “Why is it that women get all bent out of shape when you try to pay for something with a gift card?”

What?

“If you’re at dinn-ah (British accent) and you pay with a gift card, on a date, the woman gets upset.”

And the debate begins. How do you feel when a man pays with a gift card on a date?

For me, my feelings are divided. If it’s my boyfriend and we’ve been dating for awhile and we’re in that comfort zone where he has seen me with pimple cream on and I know he drools in his sleep, I could not care less if he pays with a gift card. Really. Just pay the bill and let’s leave, k?

However, if I’m on a first date with someone and they bust out a gift card? I’m starting to think this date is a sham.

This isn’t about the money. It’s about the timing. First dates are where first impressions are made. You are essentially trying to “woo” the other person with your looks and dazzle them with your wit and personality. If a guy busts out a gift card to pay for the meal on the first date, my first thought is: “Who is the gift card from?”

His parents? An ex-girlfriend? Work? Great. I’m glad you’re using their money to pay for our first meal. Gift cards as gifts are great, but they’re impersonal, right? If you gift someone a gift card to an expensive jewelry store, that’s wonderful; if you go in and buy the person a necklace, that’s more special, because you took the time to pick out something you think they may like.

Myself and my friend Natalie talked to various men about this yesterday and they all got bent out of shape because apparently we’re now “spoiled little LA girls,” but the fact of the matter is I would feel this way in Texas and always have felt this way. I get it if a guy is broke and struggling through school or whatever, but why ask out a chick on a date if you know you’re not going to have any monetary funds to support it? You are delusional if you think a girl should pay for the first date. Obviously when a man asks a woman out, the expectation (based on chivalry) is that the man will pay for the date. And we don’t want a man paying for the date by the means of someone else. It’s the principal.

“Well, technically the money a man receives from a job is from his business, not his.” Yeah, whatever. Actually, the money is not given as a gift in the form of a salary, the man worked hard to attain that money, and once it’s in his bank account it’s his. It wasn’t a gift for a six month anniversary from an ex-girlfriend or a Christmas gift from Mom and Dad. Woof.

My boss continued how embarrassing/annoying it was when the waitress goes, “Oh, so you want it all on the gift card?” That she makes a point to mention the gift card instead of just taking it and running the expense. Well, if you’re not ashamed of paying with it, what’s there to hide?

Just be a man about it, guys. Don’t use a gift card on the first date, or the second date, or maybe even the third. Once you’re comfortable with a woman (please use descretion on this one), gift card all the live long day. I don’t care. But keep the charm and romance alive, at least the first few weeks, and pay with your own means. Otherwise you don’t need to be dating if your life isn’t in order.

 

Free bling?

courtesy of Matt Klitscher

I don’t know what it is about me, but I’m always really skeptical when I see something that should be expensive being sold for uber cheap. What’s wrong with it? Is it refurbished? It couldn’t be possible that it was actually being sold for what it really costs… could it?

Call it expensive taste, but I feel like you get what you pay for. Granted, I’m rather frugal with my own money, but if I have to lay down the cash, I want to buy something of quality.

So that’s why I have a real hard time imagining myself accept an engagement ring from my future fiance that he didn’t pay for.

Of course I’m referring to The Bachelorette. Let’s get real here: various surveys I have conducted express that men are crazy about their money. Well, not crazy, but that put a lot of emphasis on that part of life. They don’t want to be married until they’re financially stable, they want a woman that is financially stable, etc. So if he’s going to lay out some three months salary (yes, three months) for woman, she better be “the one.”

Needless to say, the men on The Bachelorette get down on bended knee with a Neil Lane engagement ring, given to them free of any cost. I don’t know how I feel about this. First off, it just seems bizarre. Like driving a Phantom and then parking it in front of the shanty you live in. Not that these guys don’t make good money, but Lord knows they’d never afford that engagement ring to begin with.

I’m all about men trying to give women things they never could have dreamed of, but this is taking it too far. Not to mention if the engagement is broken, the woman returns the ring not to the ex-fiance, but to ABC.

It’s like this: if something is free, you tend to take it, right? (Minus things like STDs which are given for free {well, your dignity is compromised} or Chick-Fil-A at the office.) So these guys are given a free ring — a nice one at that — and think they’re in love with this chick, so why wouldn’t they propose?

I would like to see the guys have to lay down the money for a ring and see what really happens when push comes to shove. I don’t think Ben F. would have proposed if he had to buy the ring himself. I don’t think he was 100% sure Ashley was the one, but given the engagement ring, he was ready to find out. I do think JP would have put down for a ring, however. He seems genuine, right? Not that Ben F. doesn’t appear that way, I just can’t see Ben and Ashley working out.

What a great twist for the finale, right? “Who will buy an engagement ring?” It’s more of a surprise, wondering if the guys will both propose.

As far as hand-me-down rings, it’s a different story. If you have a family heirloom, a la Kate Middleton and Princess Diana’s ring, I feel that has sentimental value attached to it as well. It’s an investment because of the emotional pull.

Investment. A critical word. You invest in a nice home, a car, a computer; why not invest in your marriage? I’m not saying a marriage is to be based off money — that’s the last thing I’m saying. But why not just stay boyfriend and girlfriend if you’re not ready to full invest in the relationship, both emotionally, physically and monetarily?

I’m all about freebies but marriage deserves a little more respect than that.

It’s that time again

My constant intrigue with the mind of a man leads me to yet another survey. Consider this the new Cosmo. (Click the “Man Up” button, porf.)

Guys, just do it. I know there will be a few dillholes who answer inappropriately. Whatevs.