Category Archives: Menterventions

Is it over? The Social Network edition

I think one of the hardest things when you’re breaking up with someone is answering this question:

“When is it really over?”

The fat lady has essentially sung her final verse and you and your significant other have decided to call it quits. For most people in extended relationships, it goes something like this:

End relationship.

Still talk.

Still text.

Still phone.

Still say ‘I love you.’

Still miss them.

Still think about them 24/7.

Still wonder what they’re doing and who they’re doing it with.

Still worry if they’re okay.

Still vomit at the thought of them with someone else.

And during this phase you’re probably still following them on Twitter and remain their Facebook friend. You know, to keep tabs. To see what girls (or boys — guys, I know you read) are writing on their wall and following them. Social media has made it possible to still know every little detail of your ex without actually ever having to speak to them ever again.

I remember my last break up, and in the moments of where I felt my heart was completely shattered, I remember saying something like this: “I will never see you ever again.” And the sad part is I didn’t say that out of spite or that I wouldn’t want to see him again (I did. Trust.), but it was the truth. To this day, I haven’t seen him since the day we broke up. But I still knew what he was up to thanks to the internet.

Not trying to be a Debbie Downer here, but I know some of you people are going through exactly what I went through, and for lack of better words? It sucks. I know you all are going through this because I’ve had several texts, phone calls and emails over the last few months from people who never thought they would be in this position, asking me for advice and help. I am transparent it seems, and when my heart was broken, you all were well aware.

As much as I love to help, I know I can’t. You have to live through the questions and find the answers, even when it hurts like hell. The thing worse than going through heartache? Watching your friends go through it. It’s like reliving the entire situation.

So, back to social media. You’re watching their friends talk about how they’re doing and what they’re doing and somehow you know exactly where this person is without even asking. It’s kind of nice in that you won’t run into them accidentally and feel your heart fall into your butt. Or, if you’re super cray, you’ll “accidentally” run into them at the pub so you can hash out the whole drama in public. Am I right? I’ve seen too many women and men do it before (I’ve been to afraid to do something bold like that).

When is it over? When do you know you are ready to move on and forget the past? For some of you, just reading that sentence makes you want to throw up your lunch. “Forget the past? I love this person! I want to make it work! I want to have hope!” Listen, I’m not against the falling back in love and making it work part. However, I know that if you’re just going through a breakup, there are too many wounds to heal to resusitate the relationship immediately. It will take time. Take growth. Take forgiveness. Take trust. All of those things combined can end up in a happy, healthy, relationship with a person you used to be in one with.

But I’m not talking reconciliation. I’m talking about the part where you want to move forward and not be hurt anymore. When does that happen? How do you know?

Some simple thoughts:

  • That song you heard that made you bust into tears when initially breaking up? You can listen to it. The whole way through. No tears.
  • You can unfriend and defollow them. Not out of spite, but because you know it’s not healthy to keep staring at their page and analyzing their tweets.
  • You don’t worry about doing said things (above) and that the person will love you less because you did so.
  • You’re content with the thought that they have moved on. If they’re happy, you are. Even if they cheated, you still find that the situation was supposed to happen.
  • You’re not dating just to say that you’ve found someone new. You’re dating to legitimately find and enjoy another person. You’re open to the possibility of a new relationship. This one is the kicker!
  • You don’t worry about them… as much. You know they’re fine without you.
  • You don’t feel compelled to reach out and contact them, just to keep communication alive — just in case a reconcilation is coming up.
  • You don’t get upset with what went wrong. You can fondly remember the good, funny and sentimental times.

There are a myriad of others, but I’ll spare you for now. The most difficult part of breaking up? Shutting the other person out. It’s nearly impossible to maintain a friendship immediately after breaking up, as much as you’d like to. It’s like on How I Met Your Mother. Barney dated Robin; they broke up. Barney then talks about all his latest conquests in front of Robin; she ends up crying in a hallway somewhere. She ends up meeting someone, starts to like him, but with her ex-boyfriend as a part of her group of friends, she decides to essentially “quit” the group for awhile until she can fully function in another relationship without Barney interfering.

And that’s what will keep happening when you’re intertwined, online, with this person you used to care about. You’re broken up because you don’t want to be with the person. Simple as that. (Or they don’t want to be with you. Sorry.) Otherwise, you’d still be with them, they’d still be with you. Easy. Stop dragging around and letting the communicating flow like wine. It’s not helping them, not you — no one.

So like a band aid, rip it off. Unfriend. Unfollow. Move on. And maybe one day, you two will be able to meet back up on The Social Network… and possibly in real life.

Then again? Maybe not.

Know what you don’t want

What’s a blog when you’re only commenting about other people’s lives? Just a tad too gossip-y for my taste. So why not venture into my life.

I was hesitant, but my friends were encouraging: “Why aren’t you writing about this stuff? It’s fun!” And I’ll tell you why: because I’m not trying to be the Taylor Swift of blogging. I’m just not. What? I start off writing about dating in Los Angeles and next I’m busy losing my virginity to John Mayer and acting as the Air Force Beard to various gay men? I don’t think so. But I guess what sets me apart is unlike Taylor Swift, I’m not naming names.

"Plotting my next tell-all sing-a-long..."

Yet. Except doesn’t Taylor Swift (usually) not name names and just insinuates everything so people can piece everything together on their own? Maybe I need to buy a guitar and go to town…

Here goes nothing.

I’m approaching the tender age of 25 and I’m single. Have been for over a year now and I’m officially back in swing of singledom. At this phase in my life, dating is great. I don’t need a guy to call me every day, but if I like him, that’s awesome. I don’t even need a date more than once week, however it is nice go on them if you enjoy the person.

I remember this stage quite fondly. It’s been awhile. Back in 2007-2008, I was living. it. up. with all my best girlfriends and no man in sight, except maybe the occasional mixer date, but even those were few and far between because we’d all rather go as girls than with someone we’d have to coddle (and cuddle?) all night long. And if we did have a date… it was fun, but there were no emotional ties. No worries, no jealously, no nothing.

So now, as I’m starting to date around, I find myself at battle: go on dates with people I’m not attracted to? Or stick to my guns and wait? As my coworker Marina and I were chatting so eloquently today:

“I’m just waiting on Clay Matthews.”

“And I’m just waiting for Jesus to send a good man to LA…”

Luckily, I stuck to my guns and did not divvy out my dating cards to anyone and everyone. Plus, I wasn’t ready to date until just recently. I’ve held off until the stars aligned and it felt ‘right’ (or whatever you want to call it). It was slim pickings for awhile, my friends. I think an important thing that differs from other periods of singlehood in my life is that I distinctly know what I’m not looking for. I might not be able to pinpoint everything I want, but I sure as hell know what I can do without..

This brings me to some shenanery that’s been going on at the office. I’m going to call this guy out. I am fairly sure he’ll read this. Is that awkward? No. He can take it. Any guy can take it. It’s a matter of how you handle it. But also, I’m not terrified of this person, and think he’ll take this with a decent amount of pride, so I’m not too worried about it.

Note: I did not date this man.

Let me start by saying that some of the stuff I’m about to say is all “alleged.” Meaning it’s all their words against his, “they” being the ladies I’m about to mention. The only reason I really know this guy is because he is notorious around the office for hooking up with various women, all of whom I have contact with and/or work with closely. Kind of weird. He claims this is all hearsay, or pulls a, “Well, now that I think about it, did we make out?” to try to keep himself honest. Frankly I don’t buy it and don’t feel like women would just make up random makeouts out of the blue; most women tend to hide makeouts, not make them up out of thin air (unless they’re crazy).

Said guy is not my type. He’s already aware of this. Nice guy, I’m sure he’s a blast to be around, but no, it’s not going to happen. I can openly admit that I do not give men the time of day unless I am seriously interested. I think that’s the best way to be, and I wish more people were like this. Don’t misconstrue my words though — seriously interested doesn’t equate to serious relationship.

For fun he likes to tell me that he’s not interested or whatever (because as you can tell this man plays endless mind games) but the fact is that he was spending a hefty amount of time at my desk, people were noticing, and I wasn’t having it. I politely (sternly?) told him he can’t come up to visit me. End of story.

The ongoing joke (or should I say “a horse that’s been bludgeoned to death”) he always pulls when he walks by is something along the lines of, “Hey, has so-and-so come by?” So-and-so being the chick he “hooked up with.” I only put it in quotes for his sake, just to give him the benefit of the doubt. But really, that sentence should be read without quotes, because I have no doubt he’s hooked up them. He also has nicknamed me “Godzilla.” Yes, he knows how to work the ladies. But he calls me that (apparently) because I am a terror and like to make his life miserable. I do admit I’m a little mischevious, guilty as charged…

The other day I had to send out an office email and he writes back. I would literally just screenshot it, but I’m not about to get into privacy issues, so here’s how it went down. I’m not a complete terror!

Me: {Redacted initial email to office}

——————————————

Him: hey, Did (redacted) come through there recently? 😉

——————————————

That’s not overplayed or anything…

——————————————

you love it!

But seriously.

Did she? 😉

Let’s go to lunch

——————————————

1) No

2) No

3) No

——————————————

LOL Kirbie “Godzilla” Johnson you crack my sh*t up!

——————————————

End scene. Listen, I’m not trying to make this at his expense — who knows what he’s going through — but he needs to learn. Dude, you’re acting like a skeezy salesman. Please pull yourself together. Have some dignity. Stop dating inside the office. Learn some new flirting techniques, find a new herd of women and try them out. It could go swimmingly if you play your cards right, but I don’t see how any woman in the office is to take you seriously, unless she’s an intern… and let’s be honest, you’ve had your fair share of those.

Anyway, I hope I’m not being too harsh. I like to dole out tough love more often than not. But in the dating world, I suppose it’s important to call things out like you see ’em, eh?

For the record

Mentervention, if anything, is for women. If men pick up on things I talk about, great. But mostly, it’s for women.

In life, you don’t rant to guys about other guys. (However, I do know men can gossip equally, if not more than women.) You rant to your girlfriends about guys. Your guy friends are the ones you hang out with to feel good, laugh, talk sports, whatever. You don’t get down and dirty about emotions and how you hate how this guy your dating treats you… or whatever.

On the other hand, your guy friends can give great insight to the male species. Hence why I use this blog a lot for surveys. I want to know more about that. I’m curious.

The interesting thing about this blog is that I simultaneously speak to the man and the woman. Sometimes posts are directed towards a specific gender, however, I incorporate the advice to target both men and women. It gets hard sometimes, however, because I am a woman (obviously). It’s hard for me not to feel certain emotions and keep unbiased when addressing things.

The moral of the story? Mentervention isn’t to bash men. It’s not to demasculate, to hurt, to ridicule. Well, maybe ridicule sometimes. Frankly, some things you guys think you can get away with aren’t acceptable. But the blog is meant, truly, to help and be an outlet for women. A “mentervention” started off as something that women needed — not men — because they were dating a loser or someone who didn’t treat them with any respect. From there, it just spawned into a few posts to guys, re: hygeine, proper forms of communication, things you can and cannot do. But for the most part, Mentervention is the scroll accompanying the red flag that’s already been steadily waving in your relationship.

I love men. I hold my male friendships close to my heart because they offer something different than a female companion: brute force. If I’m doing something they don’t like, they’ll call me out on it, no holds barred. Not to mention they’re hilarious. I’m not a feminist; a he-woman man hater. I’m just a chick who calls it like I see it.

Anyway, had to get that out in the open. I’ve become all too accustomed to the question, “Are you afraid of writing Mentervention for fear no man will want to date you?”  Thanks for terrifying me, but no. I’m not afraid that a man will not want to date me based on how I write this column. If a guy doesn’t want to date me because I blog, see ya later. If a man doesn’t want to date me because he doesn’t like the content of this blog, he’s obviously not a guy I’m trying to be with. The man I’m trying to date isn’t riddled with insecurities because his girlfriend writes about the dumb@ss things men do sometimes. 🙂

What boys like

This survey was hilarious. I laughed out loud a few times. Some answers we boldly candid, others make me realize how delusional guys really are.

Over 4th of July weekend, I witnessed quite a few of my guy friends objectify women. And I’m not talking like an occasional glance of the breasties, but like, full out, fondling a woman with their eyes. If that makes any sense.

I was amused and then instantly concerned, given I am a woman (obviously).

Then I had a conversation with a few guys who talked about how Katy Perry was not “guy hot,” but “girl hot.” We all know this distinction exists, but what qualities make someone “guy hot?” Furthermore, the guys commented that they want to marry a beautiful woman, but a date a hot one, because hot women will not be hot later on down the road. It’s really smart logic in that it makes absolutely no sense. So what, you screw a few chicks who look good now, and then try to marry a gorgeous woman later? What distringuishes the hot chicks from the gorgeous ones? Is it not just looks, but a personality trait? I NEED ANSWERS!

Obviously this lead me to wonder what guys look for and what they think when they see a woman, or what they feel when they find out a woman’s occupation, etc.. In my opinion, I think Katy Perry is smoking hot. I want D-sized breasts. I think she’s gorgeous and sexy all at the same time. But to the men I spoke to, her breasts don’t make her hot. They’re “funbags,” if you will. Joy.

So let’s dive in.

1.  I prefer women who are

tan — 62%

fair skinned — 38%

I didn’t get any explanations on this answer… mostly because I didn’t ask for any. Whoopsies. But yeah, lives up to the notion that people just look better with a tan. Might not be the healthiest route (unless it’s in a can), but a tan makes you feel healthier and more appealing. Maybe this correlates to the blondes/brunettes question later on…

2.  I am a

breast guy — 62%

butt guy — 38%

I knew this answer. The fact is that most men want both a perfect rack and a luscious booty, but at the end of the day, “breasts are what distinguish a woman from a man. We all have butts.”  (Literal explanation from the survey.) Hmmm. So I guess our vaginas are irrelevant? Just kidding! But yeah, I know plenty of men with breasts and it’s not a good look. Doesn’t make them a woman, however. Just a few pivotal quotes for this question:

(Why breasts are better) “Why is the icing of an Oreo the best? Cookies are great also (butt in this analogy) but if you held a gun to my head I’d want icing.” Bueller? Anyone? So what you’re saying is… you like my breasts in between my butt cheeks? That my (our) breasts are like icing and you want to lick them? I don’t get it. Just no. Please submit another analogy.

“But to be specific, I am a small breast guy or rather B Cup guy. Why is it more appealling? I’m not sure but when I see nice breast, I imagine kissing them, so I guess that means they look kissable.” Mentervention has now turned into a confessional, folks! I appreciate this candidness but I feel a little awkward right now. Honestly, I do appreciate this insight because now when movies portray men as pervs who constantly think about sex, and I can believe it.

(Why butts are more appealing) “At the risk of sounding crude, guys need something to hold onto.”

As for the booty, the resounding majority vote when it comes to why A is better than T?

 “Well, it is usually found on well rounded (physically) women, therefore, nice butt usually equals nice overall figure. NOT ALWAYS TRUE. Also, breast implants can solve the chest issue, if needed.” I’m really curious to know what makes a butt “good” to men. It is large? Firm? Most men who chose A over T said this exact thing — that a woman has to work for a great butt, and she must have a great rest of her body. Fact: I know women with plump, firm bottoms that look like trolls. I guess the stars have to align…

3. I prefer:

A doctor 38%

A teacher 31%

A journalist 31%

(On doctors) “Shows that she is dedicated to something besides herself, and probably knows how to get things done. A woman who may not need you is pretty attractive.” Fact. Thinking about it, I blew off every guy I’ve dated in the beginning. Must a be a challenge type of thing…?

(On teachers) “I wouldn’t want to date someone with such a hectic schedule as a doctor. I respect the profession but that just sounds like a lot of last minute planning. Journalist women are cool but completely feel like they have EVERYTHING to prove to EVERYONE and end up flaunting themselves to the point of embarrassment. Such vanity. Nice girl to date for a little bit but not for long. A teacher would be a nice, sweet, motherly character. Plus, whenever she wanted to be taboo it would be crazy hot.” Oh, so you know a journalist? Dated one? Do tell. (Rant forthcoming.)

(On journalists) “Shows ambition.”

TANGENT TIME: Apparently if you’re a teacher, you’re more nuturing than anyone else on the planet; a doctorate degree means you’re independent and career-oriented, and journalists are just low-life “snoops” and “too analytical” — based on the answers I received. No disrespect to either professions because I have wonderful, intelligent friends in both fields; kudos to both. But this infuriates me.

I guess I provided the option of journalist because I am an aspiring one. No, blogging doesn’t put me in the same category, unfortunately. But what, I’m a menace to society because I’m curious about how other people feel and think? I want to know what makes the world go round? Mind you, none of you men give two craps about how “sneaky” and “vain” journalists are when you’re reading the work of one or seeing it on broadcast televison  —  you just wouldn’t want to date one…

Newsflash: careers that are depicted in movies are dramatic. Grey’s Anatomy is not how real hospitals operate. Gale Weathers (Scream) is one in a million when it comes to reporters. Yes, I deal with the media quite often and know they can be backstabbing and unfair, however, I admire plenty of women journalists because they dare to ask questions and find answers: Oprah for one, and namely Diane Sawyer.

I also have to throw in there that most people I associate with come to me to help them out, because they’re the ones being too analytical with relationships or whatever. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to tell my girlfriends to stop over-thinking things when it comes to a boy! You can separate work from your career. End of story. But trust, Taryn Brooks doesn’t call me “Nancy Drew” for nothing. Thanks Google for helping me endlessly find any minute detail I may be seeking.

4. What is the single most attractive thing about a woman?

“LOWER BACK DIMPLES.”  This person has to be from my office. The other week we were talking about how I have these. (Long story.) No, not cellulite, a-holes (although we all have it). It’s like… I don’t know the proper term for them. A snake bite? Whatever. They’re two indentations right above your bum, at the small of your back. I don’t know. But now I know someone overheard my conversation… and the entire free world knows I have them. No shame.

“True understanding of herself. There’s a period between 25 and 27 when most women figure out who they are that’s incredibly sexy. It’s not about confidence or fake confidence. It’s more of a self-actualization and acceptance of who they are. As a man, it’s much easier to deal with women who have gone through this because it doesn’t seem like they are playing games or are “crazy” as most guys would say.” Search Menterverntion.com for “Quarter Life Crisis,” then get back to me. Men are 100x more unstable than women at this age. #Bible

“The right type of confidence. A woman is attractive when:
a) she knows what she wants but is willing to compromise when necessary,
b) she speaks her mind but also includes others in the conversation,
c) she is sure of herself but does not take herself too seriously,
d) she knows that she is beautiful but is not consumed by it”

This is a great answer. Kudos to this man. Great thoughts and well-written. Women need to frame it and put it on their wall. I’m half-tempted to Google it and see if it’s some Plato quote or something…

The majority answer as far as personality was sense of humor, with intelligence a close second. As far as looks, the emphasis is on the eyes.

5. Pick One:

5’5” 66%

5’11” 34%

I wonder if I had put 5’7” instead of 5’11”, if men would have voted for that one more? I bet so. I think 5’5” is the average height for a woman. Most people I have dated have joked about my height and their wish would be for me to be a few inches taller. I had a complex about it when I used to be proud of my height. Listen, I am a catch just the way I am. If you want to date someone taller, by all means, please do so. I can be 5’9 1/2” with heels if need be. But that’s all you’re getting from this chick.

I don’t want to be taller. There is something so sexy to me about being my height and having a tall man next to you. Yum.

6. I don’t date girls that:

The number one answer with 89% is SMOKING! YES. Shout out to all my ladies who smoke — on a girl-to-girl level? Not cute. Just stop. You smell, you look like trash, and you smell — real bad. Even smoking recreationally is foul.

Runner up is when a girl is superficial and cares about looks and money. Interesting since in past surveys, you guys talk about how important financial security is for you, not to mention you talk about wanting a “proportional” woman with a nice ass and big breasts.

7. Pick one:

Blondes 31%

Brunettes 69%

Well fine then. Listen, I think hair color is ridiculous. Some brunettes are never meant to be blondes and vice versa. I know that while I would love to be a dark brown chick, I couldn’t do it. Wouldn’t be “me.” I would look heinous. Just like Katy Perry looks hid with her new blonde-orange hair she has going. Woof.

What is it about brunettes? Sex appeal? Are blondes sugary sweet and brunettes buxom and bodacious? What is it about a brunette? Do you take them more seriously? I know that I am not taken seriously by men and women until they see me at work. Then I get some street cred. That or until I rap ‘Forgot About Dre.’ Either/or.

8. Pick:

Good in bed: 51.72%

Good cook: 31.48%

Good at sports: 6.9%

Shocker! Sexual chemistry is a must. For the two idiots who chose ‘good at sports’… athleticism is fleeting. I’m sure you probably think athleticism equates to a great bod and that she will transfer those athletic genes to your children, right? #getagrip

9. My ideal woman is:

She’s a brunette! Natalie Portman had the majority of the write-in votes.

One vote behind? Carrie Underwood. (YEAH GIRL!)

Other notable options? Sharon Osbourne and her “stand-by-your-man-ness”, Claire Huxtable, Jennifer Aniston (#3) Tami Taylor (Friday Night Lights), Julie Bowen and Kate Middleton (#4). Also, some of my guy friends totally gave themselves away with those answers!

Funny thing is that to me, all of these women are gorgeous. Not hot — but stunningly beautiful with personality to boot. So ladies, strive not to be the hot chick on the block! Have some dignity and wit about you and you’re golden.

I actually had someone comment that I was their ideal woman. This person clearly hasn’t met me. Are you crazy?

In all seriousness, I am flattered and a tad embarrassed to be quite honest. Whoever you are — thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it. And thank you for reading the blog.

10. I want a woman who: (some of the best answers)

 “… pushes and challenges me to be something better than what I am alone. Life in my mind is a series of self-improvements, but there is only so far the average person can discipline themselves to be ever-striving for their goals. I want someone who is going to make sure that I achieve what I want out of life the same way as I would do for them.”

“I don’t have to perform around.”

“Loves God, loves others, loves me. Doesn’t get caught up in the world, cherishes the good instead of dwelling on the negative, and actively works against taking anything for granted.”

“Is undeniably herself. A woman that is enhanced with relationships with others but is perfectly happy/content on her own, pursuing her passion. I would love for her to be a 10/10 physically but at the end of the day the definition of a “perfect 10″ is so distorted and subjective that it is a endless endeavor to define it with any finality. An amazing personality can enhance any woman’s appearance ten-fold.”

“Wants me. I want to feel special and know that I am the guy she wants.”

Shout out to the guys who quoted Cake and Blessid Union of Souls (“Short Skirt/Long Jacket” and “Hey Leonardo”). I agree, I want a guy  with a mind like a diamond, I want a guy that knows what’s best. I want a guy with the right allocations, who is fast, and thorough and sharp as a tack. (I’m done.)  

By the way, is it a genetic flaw that none of you guy want to start sentences with capital letters? Did you skip that day in kindergarten? Seriously. I had to edit all these responses to include capitals. 

Thanks to everyone who participated. I know some of you were anticipating the results. By the way, I give men a hard time but I am not a hater. I love men. In fact, I want to marry one some day. Sometimes I get disappointed by you guys but let’s face it, at the end of the day I’m hoping to find a special guy to call my own at some point or another. God knows it won’t be Zac Efron or Justin Timberlake because I’ve professed my love for both of them so much online that if we ever dated, they’d find it and call things of real quick. I should go through an delete all mentions of their names, but that would mean deleting my blog in its entirety.

In the mean time, I will analyze surveys like the snoop I am…

Feel free to leave explanations in the comments section if you have any gonads to admit you took the survey. 🙂

Just for fun, with no relevance at all, here’s Buddy Holly by Weezer and Motivation by Kelly Rowland and Weezy. So sexy.

The break up: being a light to others

Lately, it seems as if a lot of people I know are breaking up. Not sure if it’s something in the water or the cosmic alignment of the stars, but several people close to me are hurting, and it sucks. Both men and women are victims, and it tears my heart apart to see my friends go through it.

When you love your friends, you hurt when they hurt. Just a matter of fact. I absolutely hate hearing the tears and the turmoil because (obviously) I have been through heartbreaking moments myself. Actually, a lot of these recent breakups are so familiar to me, that it makes me cringe to know my friends are enduring something I went through myself, whether it’s someone who feels rejected or the person who is doing the rejecting (for lack of better terms), I feel both sides of the situation.

Then, today at church, our pastor, Kim, was talking about how we the people are God’s salt and His light. I’m going to feature a whole post devoted to the salt portion of her sermon, because it really touched my heart. But being God’s light is pertinent to what so many of you may be going through, or know someone is going through.

She insists that light requires focus. We are able to adjust to the dark. It’s so much easier to go into a dark room from the light than open our eyes into bright light from the dark. When we do go into the light, we have to adapt our eyes and re-focus. We add so much more to the picture we are seeing by adjusting our eyes to the light and we reveal things we might have overlooked before when we shift our focus.

By God’s definition, we are the Light, or in other words, the focus. We can help not only ourselves, but help others to see things they have been missing, or more importantly, overlooked, in certain circumstances or situations.

Growing up, I’ve always asked myself particular questions. Not all the time, but especially when I’m hurting. “Why am I going through this alone? Why don’t people seem to reciprocate what I give to them?” Don’t get me wrong, I don’t do things just to see what I get in return. But sometimes, I feel I give and I don’t get the same back, whether it be in a relationship or my friendships; I always feel like I do things for others that they aren’t willing or can’t to do for me.

This is a blessing and a curse. I’ve been taken advantage of, however (and more importantly), it has allowed me to bless others. Furthermore, when we feel alone, we aren’t. Plenty of other people go through the same things as you, even if they don’t vocalize it. And sometimes, you go through things alone so you can bless others when they go through it.

Being the light means shining brightly and helping others in their time of need, revealing answers to questions or possibly just offering hope and comfort when they can’t seem to find it. I think this is imperative, especially during a break up. Most of us 20-something women (and men — I didn’t forget about you guys!) go through very troubling, heartbreaking breakups at this time in our lives. And with those breakups come questions: “Is this how it’s always going to be? How do you know when you’re in love? Are you always supposed to love the other person more, until you get married? Why is this happening when things were relatively good in our relationship? Why is God removing this person from my life?”

With these questions, we strive to find answers, none of which will be revealed without lots and lots of time. Time is a friend, so is hope and faith. But, as a friend, we are obligated to be a source of light and comfort to those who are confused, especially when most of us have been through something similar.

And that’s the funny thing. We go through these trails and are like, “WHY me? Why is nobody else experiencing this hurt? Why am I the only one?” We need to confide in one another and ask for help and comfort when we need it. At the same rate, we need to reach out to our brothers and sisters even if they don’t ask for help. They might be going through a dark period and we not even know it, and reaching out could significantly change their mood, their outlook and their hope.

So, for all of you heartbroken souls out there, there will be brighter days, even if you can’t see them yet. And, if I can offer you anything, it’s this. I wrote this to a friend in need and I’ve edited as much as possible to keep their anonymity, but after they told me they forwarded it to a friend, I figured it might help a few of you out there too. Granted, everyone has different circumstances to a break up, but most of the themes are universal: people love you, don’t be blind to what’s really going on, love is not anxiety, and nothing is without a careful purpose.

I think this note is relatable to most everyone, and I hope you’ll fill in the blanks and make it your own, perhaps pass it on  to a friend, or at least send them the link to the site:

Dearest Friend,

Everyone who loves you would agree that you deserve better and you WILL find better! Long story short: we all liked ______, but _____ doesn’t make you. _______ was a component of your life that we enjoyed seeing in public, didn’t have to deal with in private, and is disposable to us. We’re in the long haul with you, not ______!

_______ can’t give you what you need. My only advice is not to dwell on “what ifs” and think about all the good times, but rather reflect on how ______ treated you in the present. I think we tend to think “but they were so great!” and not consider how we’re being treated in the now, which is what really matters. But I think you know in your heart that things were going south and that while you tried to fight the good fight, ______ wasn’t pulling their end of the bargain. It takes two!

You will find all the things you loved in ________ in someone else — with things that _______ didn’t have. Otherwise, _______ will pull themselves together and be the person you need in your life.

At this point, you don’t need to prove anything to them. They need to be the one to prove to you how important you are to them. Their actions will always be louder than words. Don’t dwell and think, “But what if they don’t know that I love them? Or they don’t think I want them to call?” If they want to be with you, they need to and will be the one to take the initiative. They will call. They will do whatever it takes… it’s not up to you to piece it back together.

Talk about it, let out all the sadness and anger, but then stop. If you keep letting it circulate out of your mouth, you’ll keep thinking about it more and more internally, which isn’t helpful to the process of moving on.

I LOVE YOU! You need to let your light shine, as God has given you gifts that he wants you to share with the world. When the timing is right, He’ll place a person in your life who compliments you completely — who is equally yolked. ________’s  great, but I don’t think they’re your equal part of the yolk, either.

As a constant reminder, just remember that God doesn’t take away things on accident. He’s known this was going to happen since you were an embryo. Crazy right? But I always find comfort in that, knowing he has a divine plan and that this is just part of it. If he wanted you to be with ________, it would be easy, correct? It would have been more peaceful in your heart had you two needed to work out (at this time). And maybe God had been whispering in your ear a few times to help you initiate the breakup (the feeling of not being wanted), and then left the lingering feeling in your heart for a reason. Just remember that the person you are supposed to be with makes you feel good, more than wonderful, as if you are the only priority they have… nothing can come between that.

Just remember: if it’s meant to be, it will be, no matter the circumstance. If it’s not, it’s not God’s will. (His will is always the best, remember?)

Anyway, I could keep going but I’m sure your overwhelmed and just need some time to think. So I leave you with these:

“God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don’t run after them.” Rick Warren

“Do not fear. Look beyond what’s dying to what’s being born.” Marianne Williamson

“When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anyone that left.” TD Jakes

Hope this helps someone. Love you guys, thanks for reading.

Kirbie

Dating vs. Waiting

"Screw you for being so perfect and RUINING MY LIFE!!!"
When it comes to dating, I wouldn’t call myself a Carrie Bradshaw by any means. (And praise baby Jesus.  That hoe rubs me the wrong way. A see-through leotard on the streets of New York? Cheating on Aiden? Really, Carrie? REALLY? Oh cripe. I’m totally turning into that person who is too emotionally invested in syndication television.) But I’ve had my fair share of awkward encounters of the dating kind, and a few top-notch relationships to balance it out. (Not to mention absolutely horrible relationships that ended in complete and utter humiliation, but I won’t go into that load of crap.)

The past couple of days, I’ve had convos with two different people — one man, one woman — both one-on-one, about dating.

Profiles on both: they’re both sane, have a good head on their shoulders, the like. AKA not chemically imbalanced or certifiably off their rocker. I’ve known the girl about eight months now, the boy around a year, but met him for the first time last Wednesday (long story). They’re both considered catches, and both are single.

The boy

We both got to talking about dating in our respective towns. I have to admit that, having met him for the first time, my guard was up and I felt like I was holding back a tad, just because of the first impression factor (I’ll blog about that later). I notice this all the time about myself — if I care about how someone perceives me, I don’t really let me be myself. If I don’t give a rip, I can act how I want and it ends up being more natural. (I think we all do this.) However, he made a great point as I was commenting about the crazies here in LA.

“Dating is easy, but dating a quality person is not.”

Simple but true, right? We all know this. I could argue how hard it is to date in LA, but matter of factly, I could solidify two dates a weekend if I had no standards in my life. Most women could in this town. Most women on planet Earth could.

But the question is this: would you want to?

Would you want to go on dates with someone, knowing well ahead of time they wouldn’t be worth it? If you weren’t attracted to them? If they had something missing — and you knew it right off the bat?

“How do you know they’re not worth it if you haven’t been out with them?”

Well, we all have a list of “things” that make someone attractive to us. For me, nice teeth and height are a major factor. I know you’re not supposed to judge a person on looks, but it’s an undeniable fact that I’m attracted to men who are really tall. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, because having physical attraction is a substantial part of dating and a relationships. It’s the other 50% to the 50% of chemistry. You either have it or you don’t. And you can bet I’m not kissing someone with foul teeth. Sorry, but I know a majority of people wouldn’t either. Hit up the dentist for a cleaning, throw som veneers on that shiz if they’re wonky, and call it a day. To clarify, I’m not saying “YOU MUST HAVE STRAIGHT TEETH!” I don’t even have (perfectly) straight teeth. I’m just asking for a little oral hygeine, por favor.

Back to the point. I find that women these days go on dates with several men, but nothing fruitful is coming of any of the dates. They’re just that: one date on a calendar of 365. A nice meal with some conversation (good or bad), and then it’s back to the grind the next day to find someone else. Perhaps these dates are just to find some much-needed self confidence. Maybe they’re just for the intimacy factor. Who knows. But are they worth it?

Most first dates can be categorized as: a complete snoozefest, awkward, creepy… even infuriating. But there has to be some allure to being a Social Datalite, right? Right??

"Maybe if I close my eyes... he'll think I'm dead..."

The Girl

I discussed this topic with my girlfriend at work. She confided that many of her friends were dating and dating and dating, but that they weren’t dating quality people. The girls would pick up and head out the moment the date was over, with no desire to see the person again. Free meal and they’re done. (Which frankly, in LA, is cost-effective.)

“When I date someone, I’m not looking for a good time. I mean, I am, but I’m not just looking for a fling. I’m looking for someone who might have attributes that would lead to a future.”

Ah, the missing ingredient. This is why dating is difficult for a person such as myself, and, as I presume, a majority of other woman as well. We all know what we want, and most of us want something significant and worthwhile, otherwise it’s a waste of time. Why date a nice guy who is missing several attributes you need in a relationship, knowing these missing things are dealbreakers, when you could find someone else who has all those things if you waited a little longer?

At the same rate, why not fill up the time you have in between seeking out a real catch, with someone you enjoy being around… just not necessarily is Mr. Right? Mr. Right Now can’t be that bad, can he? Oh life. Such questions we are posed with.

When it comes down to it, I’m really too picky. I need the stars to align and a real connection to get me out of my gym-work-dinner-write-bed routine. Yes. I have turned down social outings and dates to get my fitness on and blog. (Pathetic? Whatever. I have plenty of other attributes I should be considerably more ashamed of.) Even when things are new and fresh and slightly awkward (first dates can be the worst), I need comfort, and to see the big picture… at some point.

My big dating story is circa 2005. I dated a guy at the end of high school. Scratch that: I dated three. It was pretty liberating, not gonna lie. I enjoyed being with all three of them, but here’s how it all went down:

Number 1 was an ex that was consisently on and off. Number 2 was a guy I met a a bonfire once and then chatted up on AIM (God help me) until he got home for the summer. Number 3 was a friend, who I had actually dated in middle school for like… two months.

Number 1 was an a-hole, and the only reason he actually gave a crap about what I was doing at that point was because he realized that I actually didn’t give a crap about him at that time. I went from pitiful, heartbroken ex-girlfriend to insanely attractive ex-girlfriend merely because I didn’t reach out to him at all. Then, miraculously, it’s all coming up roses and candy bars, with him planning extravagant vacation plans to boot. Please note that it was one of those situations where we weren’t together, so we don’t give me the “cheaters” chat.

Number 2 was a total babe and actually terribly mean at times, before we started dating. I must admit that after our initial date, which we went on with two mutal friends, I pretty much washed my hands clean of him. But then he convinced me to try again with a one-on-one, and let’s just say I was smitten (this sounds too much like an episode of The Bachelorette). The kid wore a pink polo to pick me up because I had told him in passing I thought it was cute, brought me a rose, the whole nine yards — it was just fantastic. And it was totally that Notebook-esque romance, where we had such strong feelings but also fought to death because we were so stubborn.

Number 3. Hilarious, so much fun to be around, friends with all my friends… it was hard not to have these amazing feelings for the guy. However, when there isn’t a spark, there isn’t a spark. In the end, he turned out to be just a friend. It was sad. But he is still one of my dearest friends. (Keegs!!!!)

The point of divulging my player-esque mentality back in high school is that I didn’t have the comfort level with Number 1 & Number 3 as I did with Number 2. And at times, I thought we had the “big picture” component (ah, high school blind love), but we obviously didn’t. Obviously. Because I’m more solo than a red plastic cup right now, and have since dated people who I thought had the “big picture” component as well. (Another keyword: thought. When you know, you know, apparently…)

So why date a bunch of measely people in the mean time? I can’t hop on board with the dating game. I’ve accepted one date in Los Angeles and it was less than fulfilling, to say the least. I guess dating has its pros: finding out what you do and don’t want, feeling wanted, meeting new people. But the cons, including awkward conversation and forced laughter, are enough to make me cold and unbothered to go out again.

Plus, isn’t it so much more special when you go on a date with someone you truly start to like and care for? Simliar to long-distance, you appreciate the really relaxed, romantic, “easy” (not read: “loose”, but perfect, rather) dates when you have them every once in awhile, instead of running yourself through the power-dating mill and possibly subjecting yourself to sitting in a car in silence — or worse, having to figure out how to dodge the unwanted kiss at the end of the night. (I’m a genius at this if you need tips.)

But don’t take it from me. I want to know: should we all be dating or waiting? Why? Prove your case. Heck, maybe eHarmony is calling my name? (Doubtful.)

Just for kicks, I had never seen this pic of Carrie & Big — they both look phenomenal, compared to their normal haggardness. (PSA not to smoke!)

The Boogie Man

Ladies, we’ve all heard of him, or worse, met him. Guys, you know who I’m referring to. I’m not talking about the cryptic monster that hides under our bed and in our closet at night – I’m talking about that one guy who, under normal circumstances, is suave, charming and fun to be around… and has a giant booger in his nose.

Is there anything that’s more of a turnoff? Especially on a date? (Please don’t answer that. I fear what responses I may solicit.) As a man, there are certain obligations one has to fulfill: provide for the family, keep their (your) pants zipped, and remove any residue from their (your) nose.

It’s really not that hard to look in the mirror and see if there are any surprises left after you blow, pick, or tickle your snout (and let’s be frank: some men have some grotesque ways of removing waste from their schnoz).  A majority of us ladies seem to grasp the concept, so what gives with the men?

Ladies, imagine locking eyes with a tall, handsome man from across the room, and as luck would have it, he B-lines to your table to chat you up and possibly get your digits. As he approaches, you tilt your head up to flash him a smile, only to shutter in sheer TERROR as you notice the green thing trying to make a run for it out of his nostril.

Yep, it’s a dealbreaker. Perhaps not to be too harsh, we should initiate a three strike rule until they get the hint (or don’t). But if a man wants to get serious with this girl, there better be NADA hanging out of his nose.

I only bring this up because this is a growing epidemic. I have seen more men with nasty crap in their nose than humanly possible. It’s unreal. No, I’m not trying to make people feel insecure around me, but honestly… it’s an issue that needs to be addressed. 

Grooming is going to be a vital part of the dating process. Carry around a pack of Q-tips and a compact for all I care. Because what’s worse: having a boogie for everyone to stare at? Or having the person you’re trying to impress confess that you have a massive piece of gold hanging out? Also, please forgive that I have to use the word “boogie” to describe the offensive matter, but it’s less grotesque than the other words I could use…

As a woman, I don’t want to kiss a guy if I see him doing anything close to picking his nose, let alone see what he should be picking (removing), dangling by a nose-thread. I’m gagging just thinking of it.

I need a man to blow me away with his personality and wit, not what’s hiding in his nose. And when someone refers to my guy as the “boogie man,” I pray to sweet baby Jesus hope they’re referring to his mad dancing skills, not his bedazzled beak.

So guys, take a minute in the morning after your shower to lightly tilt your chin up and inspect the terrority. Make sure nothing is cluttering up the space. In fact, if you feel it necessary, cut those pesky nosehairs. Wipe the blood off your jawline from that nasty razor cut. Then give yourself a wink and admit that you look amazing.

Reject a woman and she will never let it go

HOLY HELL. It’s all fun and games until The Bachelorette strikes a chord.

First off, bravo, Bachelorette producers. You found a way to not only mess with Ashley’s heart, but also her self image. Because as if Ash doesn’t have enough issues about the motley crew she has to deal with, they throw in the “you have flaws” component and boom goes the dynamite. In case you’re a male reading this, and you don’t watch the show, here’s what happened:

– Ashley decides to take a group of men on a date, which is actually a roast. You know, how people roast Donald Trump, The Hoff or Pamela Anderson? This, in fact, is not only the most riveting and entertaining date in the entire history of the show, but it’s possibly the smartest. Genius, really: take a group of guys to roast the girl they’re all trying to date. This, my friends, is the equation for complete failure. The guys most certainly won’t be able to decipher if they should get competitive and take the roast seriously, or if they should spare Ashley’s feelings. If I were The Bachelorette (this has ‘separate blog post’ written all over it), I would request that this be a second or third group date FO SHO. Why wouldn’t you? It weeds out the idiots ASAP. If you have common sense and know how to woo a lady, you know what’s acceptable and what isn’t, i.e. not harassing a girl about her looks or features that cannot be changed.

– With all that said, it appears most of these guys have not one brain cell. While some of the guys play it safe, an absurd amount of guys give her crap about her small rack, or as they say, “small tits.” As in, small ta-tas. As in, furiously and continuously reminding her she has small boobs, that most guys are ‘boob guys’ and she doesn’t have them, blah blah blah. The hilarious part is that there is this one dude who wears a mask every episode who revealed himself last night. He hides his face so Ashley will “get to know the real him”, which sounds nice, except boyfriend is hella boring, a total buzzkill, and appears to be hiding his age more than anything else. During the roast, homeboy is like, “Hey Ashley, wait, what is that? (Looks at the floor, squinting.) Oh yeah, that’s right. I found your boobs.” HAHA????  And with the quote of the night, Ben “I look like Josh Groban/I wear a bowtie”  F. (I actually really like Ben F. even regardless that he cannot pull off a bowtie) is like,

“This guy hasn’t even revealed himself 15 minutes and he’s all like, Boop, ‘Here’s my face, you have small tits.'”

What-the-hell-did-he-just-say William

– The Bastard of the Ball ends up being the guy most of us fell in love with last Monday, William. OH William. Let me tell you about Baby Boy the Prince:  He looks just like the Duke of Cambridge (that’s Prince William, the guy that just married Kate) — the better looking version. William lost his dad and was absolutely precious, but everyone was concerned when he admitted most girls break up with him and end up marrying the next guy they date. He has a track record of this. It’s probably a flaming red flag, but we didn’t know why… until tonight.

He not only talks crap about Ashley’s cup size, but manages to also make her feel like crap about — get ready — being HERSELF! She comments on how William and she had the best date of all so far, and how he seems to know her the best, so his roast will be funny. Instead, he comments about how he was disappointed she wasn’t Emily or Chantal O., two girls most of America was hoping would be the next Bachelorette. It was brutal to watch. (PS: Google them.)

– Then Ashley is sobbing in a corner and this royal dillhole named Bentley (who, not surprisingly, is the best looking on the show) comes over to (direct quote) “mess with her head” because, well, he’s a royal dillhole.

#BentleyBlows

Let’s get something clear, gentlemen. Yes, I’m talking to you. Because only gentlemen read this blog and none of you would ever do this crap, right? I’m going to quote Kris Humprhies because THIS QUOTE is the single most true thing I’ve read in awhile:

“Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.”
 
So, minus the two last sentences (guess he wasn’t cray-cray in love with Kim yet), ZING! Uhhhh why in the Sam Hill did any of these guys feel it was okay to start harassing her about her chest size? I mean, really? Didn’t you people learn in grade school about women and their breasts? As in, DON’T TALK ABOUT THEM unless you like them?  I’m going to direct quote my 42-year-old boss: “Kirbie, I know because I am one: men are animals. They’re pigs. Filthy.” (Examples: Weinergate, The Governator, Tiger Woods.)
 
Listen, I get it if you’re roasting a close friend or something, poking fun is, well, all in good fun. But the girl you’re vying for love from? Negative, ghostwriter. I applaud the guy who had enough brain cells to only jab at the rest of the contestants and not Ashley herself. To the guys constantly knocking at her boobs, I want to punch them all in the face. YOU ALL ARE IDIOTS. IDIOTS!
 
True life: every woman has had a man in her life say something about her physical appearance that tears her to shreds. She picks herself up and pieces her back together, but she never forgets those times.
 
For me, the guys I date always talk about how short I am and kid that they wished I was a few inches tallerNow, I know they didn’t have bad intentions (debatable, given who we’re referring to), and they weren’t trying to be critical. In fact, most guys I dated were complimentary in some fashion and made me feel pretty. And it wasn’t something they consistently joked about, but when it would come up, it was like, “I wonder why they keep mentioning it?” It slowly took a toll on me, when before I had loved being my height. Why do other people have to rain on my parade?
 
Why is this always brought up? I don’t know. I don’t think men usually think about the future, but I think they think about their future children’s height and how it affects their athletic prowess. Two things: You can have a short wife and birth tall children (see Drake & his mom). Also, shorter athletes make great shortstops and point guards. They still have a chance, bro! THEY STILL HAVE A CHANCE! And I’m not really even short by most social standards.

 

Well… that was not the tangent I wanted to go on. No hard feelings, bygones are bygones, but I wish all of them would have laid off that one thing.

Now I’ve learned that no matter the situation, even if someone else wants me to change or doesn’t appreciate things I literally cannot change, I do appreciate them.  I like my curves, my stomach, I wish my legs where smaller but whatever; I like my feet and my hair. Why should it matter if someone else doesn’t like my inherited traits? Obvious answer: because they are people I care about. Those words resound the most.
 
So, after divulging all this private info, what am I trying to say? Seriously guys, I don’t care if you’re just dating a girl, getting serious or have been together for four years, but your words can lift up us or tear us down. Be wise with them.
 
Even this morning, Joel Osteen reminded me the power of words with Proverbs 18:4, “A person’s words can be life-giving water; words of true wisdom are as refreshing as a bubbling brook.” (New Living translation) Just a few words can reignite somebody, or break their spirit.
 
You always want to make your girlfriend (or whoever) feel good about themselves. Talking about their unappealing physical traits (or lack thereof) doesn’t make us feel good. Constructive criticism is great, but harassing us about things we can’t do anything about? Uh, that’s going to be an issue… and it’s not going to get you in a relationship, get you laid… none of the above.
 
We want to feel like we’re beautiful, everything you could want and more — not less. Even if you love the fact that we have small boobs or a crooked nose or whatever-the-heck it is, if you tell us in any other way except “Your chest is perfect” or “I love that your nose has character” and so on, it’s going to hurt our feelings. Furthermore, don’t compare us to other women. Even if you do, don’t ever let us hear it. Once we feel rejected or not good enough, it’s going to be a long, hard fight to win us back over. How are we supposed to trust you? You hurt our heart. It’s going to take some divine intervention to get that back.
 
While your words can break our spirit, remember, they can and should be meant to lift us up! Why have the gift to help others and not use it? Take your words and use your them for hope, healing, restoration, whatever. In this case, the men need to use their words to comfort Ashley, but sadly, none of them seem to do the trick. All she needed to hear were two words: “You’re beautiful.” Or better yet, “I’m happy it was you.” Two to five words and her heart would be a little less achy. *Side note, learn how to comfort a woman. It will be one of the best tools you have to offer.
 
If you want to learn for yourself, don’t read these blogs. Just watch The Bachelorette. It’s pretty good at depicting what to and what not to do when dating. And it’s sure as heck more entertaining. As for William, we will see if she “lets it go” or if he is kicked to the curb in the end.

Mentervention: One Question

I’m not trying to sound like a raging loon or anything, but there is nothing more annoying than when a man consistently brings up my non-existant “boyfriend” situation.

I don’t mind if I’m getting to know someone and he casually asks me if I have one. Actually, I don’t even mind if anyone asks at all. It’s when all they consistently bring up the “boyfriend” issue. Yes, I was single 24 hours ago… still am… shut. the. hell. up.

You guys know what I’m talking about. When you’re so horny that you’re chomping at the bit to see if your next conquest is available. If she’s single, cool, if she’s not, even better!

It’s sooooo juvenile when all you talk  about is why I’m single or why I broke up with my ex or WHY DOESN’T SOMEBODY LIKE ME HAVE AN AMAZING MAN IN HER LIFE.  First off, I do, I call him my father, and nobody is going to compare to him.  The day I do find that person, I will be his wedded wife. 🙂  Second, it’s a tiny bit offensive (while also flattering) that you’re rubbing in the fact that someone you respect (or something of that nature) doesn’t have a boyfriend, like that makes me less important or something.  Third, I don’t give a crap about being single, so why are you beating a dead horse?

But girls are not into this. In fact, it gets annoying. Much like we get sick of asking you to shower after your workout or brush your teeth before bed, or take out the trash when it’s overflowing, or anything we say while you’re watching the game that we have to repeat, it’s infuriating to have to explain ourselves 7,000 times. Nobody likes it,  it’s not cute or coy, and we’re completely aware that you find us attractive at this point. Not to mention we start to find you unattractive, dull and incapable of carrying on an adult conversation. No points won there.

It reminds me of high school when I would ask my best guy friend (who I crushed on, hard) who he was seeing and would want to know EVERY DETAIL because I was living vicariously through the stuck up hoe bag.  We know your alterior motive for asking is because you find us attractive. Otherwise, if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be asking at all, now would you?

Take it from me: if you’re curious about her dating status, just ask her  out on a date! Then she can be like, yes, or pretend she has a boyfriend to avoid an awkward situation.

Womentervention: The Quarter Life Crisis

DISCLAIMER:  This post is not meant to imply that every woman is chomping at the bit to get married, or that it’s all we think about.  Let me assure you, it isn’t.  But serious times call for serious measures, especially when you’re in a serious relationship.

There’s a theme I’ve noticed the past two years. I’ll be discussing life, love and the tribulations of dating with a girlfriend when she’ll mention a most-recent breakup she’s heard of or gone through.

Now, every situation is unique, but the common theme of these breakups?

The male’s quarter life crisis.

It goes something like this: Said male, approximately in his mid-twenties, and assumedly in the “almost ready to graduate” mode of his life, has a royal freak out. He pushes any and everything away from him in order to “be selfish” (I quote this because this has been a prominment one in many stories I’ve heard) and figure out his life.

I shouldn’t relegate this crisis to just those graduating at the tender age of 22 or 23. The most confusing and upsetting part of the quarter life crisis is I’m not sure when this period actually ends. I wish I could give you a definitive age range, but right now it spawns from 22-27 and the end is still TBD.  But this age makes sense because most of them are still in ‘frat boy- me me me- love the one you find at the bar tonight’ mode.

This freak out is inevitable. IT WILL HAPPEN. Trust me. But depending on the man, it will end up in one of two ways, based on the scenario. Let’s play a game.

Dating two years (approximately):

Dating map

Just started dating:

As you can see, the main factor in the “impending doom” result in all of this is if the man knows what he wants. If he knows what he’s doing with his life, and more importantly, knows who he is as a person, the relationship can survive (this is why you see most {not all} men who are ready to settle down have an established career and are financially independent — and they’ve been through a relationship or two).

Another important factor is if he wants to marry you: if you’ve been dating two years and the “m” word hasn’t been discussed; if you have no idea if you’re the woman he wants to get down on bended knee for in the future, it’s not looking good for you.  Sorry to start a riot, but it’s true. Because let’s be honest here: two years is a long ass time to not know those things. It should be enough time to figure out if you’re a person he can’t live with or can’t live without. So I’d just be prepared if you haven’t dicussed this yet. You don’t want to turn into that girl who dates someone for eight years and the guy ends up finding someone else who is “the one,” or the girl he’s dating for that long and figures it was the next step, although he isn’t too jazzed about the idea.

Don’t believe me? Why would you date someone more than two years if you haven’t discussed the prospect of getting married? Are you dating them for shits and giggles? Seriously, in all due respect, if you’re dating someone that long and commitment hasn’t been brought up, I’d venture to say that the guy doesn’t want to get married, but he enjoys the comfort of having a girlfriend for the intimacy and companionship.  Because no matter what any guy says, he’ll marry the person if she’s the right one (and he’ll at least make that clear if he doesn’t have the means to propose anytime soon). {NOTE: Kate Middleton knew Prince William for nine years and dated seriously for FIVE.  They took a hiatus in 2007 and are now married!  But I’d venture to say their hiatus was a real break-up and they did it right, none of this ‘break’ crapola, which made a reconciliation much easier.   Point being these blogs are not meant to be taken as scripture… don’t get your panties in a wad!}

Basically, you need one of those two: he needs to have career stability or he needs to passionate about being with you.  If he has career stability, there’s nothing holding him back from commitment, unless he has those dreaded ‘commitment issues’ or he’s just not that into you.  So beware of that.  But the one you should really beware of is if he doesn’t want to marry you.  If you don’t want to get married, perfect, but if you are dating a guy who has made it clear he doesn’t want to get married… it might really be that he doesn’t want to marry you.  I hate using this as an example, but remember Big?  Spent years with Carrie, left her for his ‘job’ — which we all know was an excuse to get out of the relationship — then married Natasha.  Screw the fact Carrie and Big end up married in the movie… I am convinced the third installment has them in a nasty divorce.  He left her at the altar!  And she’s always griping at him about watching TV in bed.  I’ll say it: Carrie settled.  She settled for a dude who she made out to be some mythical hero (and villain) in her books, and married him because she vastly approaching 50 in the city.  I digress, as per usual…

So what is this quarter life crisis all about?

I didn’t understand this because I thought it was completely selfish and terrible.  However, while it might be both, I get where guys get the anxiety.  Men are the born providers.  Most of them grow up with the mentality that they will marry and provide, shelter and protect their families.  When they have to stop hitting the beer bong and start acquiring a paycheck, things get scary.  They want to be able to be montetarily independent while doing something they love, yet most of them have no idea what they’re doing after college.  They just fall into a job that they can get and see where it takes them.  So when they meet a girl that they really start to fall for, it causes anxieties like, “if I want to marry her, where will I get the money to buy a ring?  What am I going to do to keep my job stability (but exercise my creativity)?  I want to feel important in my job.”  Blah blah blah.

This is a hard thing for women to digest because throughout any trial, tribulation, whatever, if they truly want to be with a guy, it’s not going to matter what they’re going through.  They want the companionship and love and support from that person.  But for whatever reason, some guys work the opposite way.

I say ‘some guys’ because there are guys that ask these questions, but at the same time maintain their relationship.  The difference is that those guys know that the girl they’re with is “the one.”  They’d rather drop dead than give her up.  I know this is going to ruffle some feathers, because it’s a tough pill to swallow.  But any guy who’s sold on the relationship doesn’t need to break up to figure that out.  Or maybe they do.  But most cases (i.e. the stories I’ve been told straight from the man’s mouth) are that if a guy needs space, all his eggs are not in your basket.  Doesn’t mean they can’t be at one point, but just know he’s not sold yet.

Silver lining:  I’m not saying that people can’t come back around.  But this whole ‘break’ business is so ridiculous.  Like, what is a break?  Are you monogamous but not talking?  Are you allowed to makeout with people but nothing more?  Because I know that if and when I find the one, he’d throw a few punches if he ever saw me locking lips with a dude that wasn’t him.

I’ve heard fabulous stories about couples breaking up and getting back together and being each other’s soul mates.  And I want that for everyone.  If the timing isn’t right then, I hope at one point the time will be right.  But don’t be stupid about it.  Don’t let someone walk all over you if they have made it clear you’re not their leading lady.  You’re worth more than that, girlfriend.

While I always say that these instances are the exceptions, not the rules, I have to state that I do believe if you’ve hit the two year mark and the prospect of marriage is dismal, you’re probably not meant to be with him.  But what you really should be doing is not taking my advice and living your life according to your own gut and best instincts, because your intuition is going to take you on the right path.  A womentervention will only be an easy way to pass time at the office.

So, guys, what do you have to say?  What do you disagree or agree  with?  Ladies, do you believe this to be true?