I’m just trying to gauge things here, guys, but can you do me a solid and answer the following poll? Inquiring minds want to know:

Based on a few experiences I’ve had the past couple of months, I’m assuming men have lost a majority of their brain cells. How? I do not know. Sports? Huffing paint as a kid? I really don’t care, but that has to be the only excuse possible to even entertain the idea of getting intimate with a woman other than your wife, fiancé or girlfriend. Right?

I need to believe that you have zero brain power and that men who actually do have brain cells are not committing these fraudulent acts of treason.  I don’t want to live in a world where men with intelligence are knowingly doing stupid sh*t like this.

But unfortunately, I am. And hey, women are guilty of this crime against humanity, too. But can we put an end to it? I’m sick of the cheating culture. Hollywood sensationalizes it; books profit from it.

A former colleague told me a few months back that if her husband went off to the (random example) Caribbean with a group of friends and had a one-night affair with some chick, she wouldn’t care. And she wouldn’t want to know. I don’t know that I would want to know, either. But this type of thing always comes back around — I would hate it even more if 10 years down the line, someone slipped up and made a comment about that night in front of me. The “last person to know” part would be where the trust was broken… not necessarily the actual act of infidelity.

But what happens if he comes clean right after it happens? Where do you go from there?

Is infidelity a big deal?

If you’re religious, yes. But if you’re religious, you (usually) don’t believe in divorce, either. So what now?

In the past three months, the following has occurred:

• A bachelor party attendee (not the groom) fully tried to make out with my single friend, only to have her look him up and find out he was engaged
• Same friend made out with a guy at a club, only to find out he was a bachelor planning to get married in the next few weeks. (He even contacted her after that night which makes him a complete moron.) (Please note that said friend is not an instigator of these types of things; she is a bum magnet, apparently. Not her fault.)
• A friend made out with a guy at a house party; she Facebooked him the next day and read that he was “in a relationship.” The worst part? Two of his friends saw this go down and didn’t say a word.
• I had a married man kiss me, not realizing he was married. (No ring. Said he was divorced. Apparently is getting one? Ugh.)

And before you go off on me and say this is an “LA” issue, trust me, friends, that it is not. Yeah, I know everyone here is looking for the next best thing. That’s why we don’t date. (In addition to the terrible layout of the land, poor traffic conditions and unfeasible public transportation options. I mean, if you live in WeHo and they live on Santa Monica? That’s practically the kiss of death on a relationship. Live in the valley? FORGET ABOUT IT.) (That’s a blog in itself. Coming soon…) Anyway, I have heard all kinds of crazy stories about infidelity and they’re rooted deep in the heart of Texas, in the midwest – EVERYWHERE, Y’ALL! Infidelity is the blemish on the face that is life: it can pop up anywhere. Nobody’s safe.

I know I’ve written about being cheated on before (idiot) and I’m fairly sure I’ve posted about the incident where I went through my boyfriend’s phone (I highly do NOT recommend doing this, ever) only to find that he was texting his friend, calling dibs on a girl who was hanging out with our group. Oh yes, I was there. Friggen Paige — grown men calling dibs on her. Grown men with girlfriends, mind you. And I can’t name my daughter Paige now because all I will ever think about is this ridiculous incident. I shouldn’t have gone through his phone, but he shouldn’t have “called dibs” on a girl when he wasn’t single. So absurd.

Additionally, here’s why I’m so conflicted about this topic: because I’ve heard from so many people that this is the norm nowadays. Cheating doesn’t have the “OMG!” factor anymore. It’s like, oh, Katie cheated on her husband? Bless her heart. Was there a pre-nup?

Infidelity, whether it’s emotional or physical, is normal. Apparently. To the world. And I don’t know which option is worse! They’re both traumatizing.

And I know that being flirtatious isn’t a crime, but there are plenty of cases where it crosses the line. Specifically in the workplace, where a dude gets a little too chummy with his female coworker and makes forward comments that he has no business making if he’s in a relationship. I don’t want to show up to his office or at a company party, fearful that my boyfriend or fiancé or whoever he is sends dirty texts or raunchy emails to his secretary, coworker, boss (whatever). The only person you should have inside jokes (or dirty jokes, in this case) with is ME, DAMMIT. ME. I want to be enough for you. Him. Hypothetically. Clearly.

So, what’s the resolution here? Fear not, ladies and gents. I have an answer for everything. And it doesn’t include “be calm and know that everyone cheats a little bit, in some way or another.”

Ladies, if you know a guy is taken… just back off. Keep it casual. I know it can feel like you’re special when a dude is giving you attention and he has a woman, but it really makes you pathetic. Not special.

Guys, follow this handy flow chart to see what your next steps should be!

Fin.