“You’re a bum magnet.”

I have about 1,600 things I’d like to talk about today, but I’m going to focus this post into everything that is OKCupid. The title of this blog post is a quote I’ve heard plenty of times from my wise, loving father, who is never afraid to tell it like it is, and furthermore, always chimes in when he hears about the latest dating escapade in my life. This pretty much sums up all of the guys I’ve had contact me on OKCupid.

Are you familiar with OKCupid? Against my better judgment, I joined. It’s 100% not my style at all, and I regret getting on the site in the first place, given if the opportunity ever arose, I wouldn’t ever meet the people on there. Sorry. It just weirds me out. I’d rather have a friend set me up than take the chance that the man was actually a woman, or that they were in fact an axe murderer.

But I’m still on the site. Why, you may ask? If there’s one thing I have ulterior motives about, it’s my blogs. I mean, I am pretty forthcoming, but when it comes to blog posts, I figure I stay on these sites and get some good stories out of them.

You know when you watch The Bachelorette and the guys do some idiotic thing during their entrance to “stand out?” For instance, the dude who dressed up as the grandma. I get it — it was referencing last season’s Bachelor when the girl showed up on Night 1 with her grandmother. Super. Frankly, I’m not interested in dudes who watch The Bachelor, son. (Watching it with me, on the other hand, is another story.) I just want you to be interested in me, and that’s it. Or what about the royal asshat who showed up (late) in a helicopter? Those entrances are comprable to the messages I get on OKCupid.

I signed up for OKC because several girlfriends said they’d met some “hot, stable, successful” men on there. I’m not desperate to date, or even looking, but “stable” immediately caught my attention, given the last dude I was involved with was dating his ex-girlfriend at the same time, and the one that currently is trying to “court” me (I use that term loosely because he’s courting about 16 other people too) is someone that I’m not remotely attracted to, and most of that has to do with the fact that he’s 32, acts like he’s 17, and punched a guy I was in a lip-lock with square in the jaw. (Just a typical Thursday night in my life.) All while boning a few interns and a gaggle of other women. I could go on and on about his instabilities but I’m going to refrain.

Some gals had met grungy and sexy musicians that were strictly just “fun to date.” Others met their husbands. And in LA, I figure, why the hell not? What do I have to lose? (My mind? My dignity? My hope for mankind? All things I should have considered.) But in the back of my mind,  I knew this online dating thing isn’t for me at all, so perhaps I half-assed it and that’s why it’s so awful. But the other part of me believes it’s mostly because of the real annoying humans that have contacted me. And furthermore, if Snooki can get knocked up and find a dude to be with her through it all without a dating site, then dammit, I can too. Not the knocked up part… you know what I mean.

Here are a few of the messages I’ve been sent — copy and pasted, no editing, no nothing.

Exhibit A:

After a rigorously brief overview of your profile, I wanted to let you know I have already married and divorced you in my mind. I’m sorry it’s hard to be with someone with better hair than me.

Thanks for all the wonderful imaginary memories… you will always have a special place in my heart.

your ex-hubby,
justin

p.s. You can keep the beach house in Florida as long as I can have the puppy and my CD’s back.

I’m sorry, what in the SAM HILL IS THIS?

Exhibit B:

I’d like to get to know you, your very lovely. I’m the kind of guy thats kind, caring, romantic and understanding. Who will surprise you with breakfast in bed, bring you flowers, loves to travel, sailing, is a very good cook and no emotional games and is faithful then let me know cause thats who I am. Sorry for being direct but i rather be upfront and honest. I hope to hear from you if not then good luck. Im just a hopeless romantic just trying to find that special someone. All i ask is to be my friend and see where it goes. Again I hope this is not too direct for you I’m just not use to online dating.

Clearly.

Exhibit C:

hey how many pairs of shoes do you have ?

You’re trying way too hard, sir.

Exhibit D:

I’m still a virgin, unemployed, don’t drive and only 5’6. Completely undateable. There’s also a nerdiness issue. Do you wanna meet up?

“I *almost* responded to this guy, because I was like, “well, he got my attention.” But not in a good way. And honestly, I felt like he was being honest, not joking. Besides the my strict height requirements (only special guys get that requirement tossed), nothing else about this is dude appealing to me.

Exhibit E:

Are those Legos in your pants? Because I could totally build a future with you.

Oh. My. Gentle. Jesus. SPARE ME. I’m not looking to date a cheesy character off of SNL!!!!!!!!

Exhibit F:
(On my profile, I talk about how I’m a Texan but not a Cowboys fan)

Its not the COWBOYS …tony romo is a choker!!!!!!!!!

(then he sent a second message)

what football team do you follow????? …….just in case LONGHORNS SUCK!

(to which I responded)

You are an idiot. Please don’t contact me again. I am not a Longhorns fan, by the way, but you need serious help when socializing with women.

What a chode.

Exhibit G:

Hello. Are you a human or just an account the website created to get guys to join?

Okay… That was good. Still not responding.

There are MANY MORE EXHIBITS to choose from but I’ll spare you the second-hand embarrassment. The point of this is that online dating, or “online meeting,” rather, totally sucks because everyone’s trying so hard to stand out that they appear to be complete imbeciles, when they could be nice, charming men in a social environment. Also, by skimming different profiles, it seems like guys really have no idea what the hell to do on a site and talk about themselves. Some try to be eccentric, some are really braggy and the rest are all illiterate.

I don’t want MENtervention to appear to be a “I hate men” blog, or a “bash men all the live-long day” blog. I don’t hate men. Do I bash them sometimes? Yes, when they bloody deserve it.

So long story short, OKCupid should really be called OK, Get me the HELL off of this God-Forsaken Site.

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