Sometimes, I feel bad for writing these things because, truthfully, it is not in my nature to be malicious. I mean, I cried for three days straight when I found out Santa Claus “died” (yes, not that he wasn’t real — he died) and I still have trouble with negative verdicts in court cases because I believe most people are inherently good, and constantly scrutinize every piece of evidence before deeming someone guilty or not. Except Casey Anthony and OJ Simpson. They’re kray.
So it somewhat pains me to have to write about this guy again. Truth be told, I think he has a lot of issues upstairs, if you know what I mean, girlfran? Like… abandoment issues. I feel like I’m qualified to say that given he’s pretty much spoonfed me his insane life story.
Which brings me to an off-topic yet somewhat relevant point: why do people feel compelled to tell me these things? At this rate, I’m thinking I could get a confession out of OJ before Oprah could. Really. People seemingly feel comfortable telling me absolutely NUTSO things about themselves, and at times they’re not even nuts — they’ll tell me things I have no business knowing, or confide in me deep, dark secrets or emotions when I barely know them, or they let their true egostistical, arrogant selves out of the box. It truly makes no sense. I’m hoping it will help me in my hosting career at least. But seriously, as my dad has always said, “You’re a bum magnet.” Leave it to me to attract men with more than their fair share of mental issues.
I feel I am qualified to diagnose men’s problems because, well, I dated someone that was bipolar. It wasn’t a great relationship, to put it lightly. I actually hope we can find a way to fix this mental disorder because it’s truly depressing to witness, if not completely exhausting — being on cloud nine one minute to complete and utter devestation the next. I also deal with men on a daily basis, as I mentioned, they seem to text me their issues and expect me to resolve their problems, if not construct a perfectly-worded text to send to the woman they met 24-hours prior. (Yes friends, you thought you were the only person I was helping out? Nope.)
So, guess who’s back? This guy. Read up on him. He was persistent, didn’t get the clue, obviously likes a challenge because there’s no way in hell this plus him will ever happen, and is most definitely girl crazy.
The thing about this guy is I’ve told him, to his face, that if he doesn’t stop being a serial monogomist and doesn’t take some “time of solitude” to find himself and figure out what the hell is his problem, he will ruin every relationship he has from here on out. I thought he understood because he was all, “I’m taking your advice!” Yet the next day he’s informed me he invited an ex-intern over to his family’s house for Thanksgiving. #FailCentralStation
Here’s an email exchange that went down the week before I peaced out for Thanksgiving. Admittedly, I did contact him first, but only because my roomie went to lunch with said intern, who mentioned about going to his house for Thanksgiving. I’m blue, he’s black:
11/18/11, 2:37 PM:
So (the roomie) chatted me up about (redacted intern’s name) today…
She might by the one Kirbie J
Note: I have to include that this statement is infuriating given a few days before he stood at my desk to inform me his life was in shambles, thanks to a woman he had an affair with, because she slept with her (now) ex-husband on her birthday. Proceed.
You are an epic dumbass
You are in a lovely mood today…
I’m not just saying this, but you are going to ruin this poor woman’s life. Stop jumping from woman to woman! I actually feel bad for her. Get your shit together.
(He is sprawled out like gigalo, in the atrium/lounge area at this point. I am passing him every so often to run to the kitchen.)
Your hat is cute KGJ
(“G” fo Godzilla. As in “life ruiner” and/or “terror.”)
Are you aware that you are giving me great material for my blog?
(Full disclosure! Can’t sue me now…)
Exactly what do I get in return?
Complete and utter humiliation…?
Hmmm. I was gonna go a different way with that. You enrich my life Kirbie. I actually would like this place a lot less if you weren’t here.
(This is where I partially feel like a biotch and partially am shaking my hands in the air going, “Why God, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?” Then I read the first sentence again and realize he’s a may-jah skeezeball.)
You’re really just a glutton for punishment, I believe…
Did it ever occur to you that you actually like me? Let’s text.
(I kept my personal cell phone off the employee phone list for this purpose exactly.)
I adore you. You utterly crack me up.
I have a song you need to hear.
You’re sweet. What are you doing this weekend?
It was once said that Capricorns are women with a ton of patience. I never believed it until this email exchange. Do you know what it’s like to deal with men who are delusional? If you’re a woman? Yes. If you’re a not? Probably not — you perpetuate other men’s delusional mindsets. I wish I could get paid every time a guy acts like a pompous, egotistical maniac around me — and doesn’t realize it, but alas I suppose I am being punished for something.
Guys, all kidding aside, I have a few suggestions for you dudes out there:
- Don’t date if you just got out of a relationship. You aren’t ready, even if you cheated or are mentally checked out long before the breakup. “Do you.” As Drake would say, “Ooh I needed that.” In fact, just listen to Drake’s whole album. It hits a tad too close for comfort and some of you guys need to take a long listen.
- If you go on a date and you feel it went great, but in your gut you’re getting bad signals from the girl, you should probably be aware of this phrase: she’s just not that into you.
- Don’t try to be someone you’re not. You don’t need someone to edit everything you say and do to impress a woman. Haven’t you seen Hitch? It doesn’t end well if you’re a puppet, using a puppeteer to commandeer women into loving you.
- Please find the appropriate balance between being “hard to get” and a “good guy.” Don’t confuse those with “an asshole” and “needy.” It’s exasperating and disappointing.
I guess that’s all I can do and say for now. In the end, I suppose it’s up to you to crash and burn before you learn any lessons…