Goals (you should abide by) in 2012

Many sites are busting out countdowns and resolutions, recapping infamous moments of the year and twitpic-ing photos of their nails and hair.

I must admit that on Kirbie Goes to Hollywood, I’m guilty of doing a “Best of” segment, but really, who doesn’t want to watch a video of me meeting *NSYNC when I’m 12?

Anyway, I hate resolutions because, like reverse psychology, I feel more compelled to break them. It’s weird. If I don’t fulfill a resolution, it’s like, “Wah, who cares, so did 98% of the rest of the population. Now pass me the butter for this biscuit.” (There goes no carbs!) And, truthfully, some resolutions are so RIDICULOUSLY UNREALISTIC it’s like they were formulated to be broken in the first place. Smokers? Most definitely end up smoking. “No smoking in 2012” should be amended to “Quit smoking this year.” And lose 30 pounds? I don’t have 30 pounds to lose. Yet some years I feel like this is an adequate resolution.

Therefore, here are some goals that each and every one of you should take into account. They’re mostly targeted toward the women, but guys, you could always benefit by knowing our deep, dark secrets:

1. Expect the best, and don’t accept anything less.
When you’re 25, you’re done dealing with drunkards, students, and overall douches that you may have put up with in the past, especially when it comes to simply dating. Take it upon yourself to imagine what a man you would desire looks like and acts like, and then WAIT FOR THAT. I’m not saying don’t date. Give people a chance. They might not come in the package you want, but they might hold more keys to your happiness than your original desired man. Anyway, if you date someone and “it” isn’t there, (“it” being chemistry, sparks, magic, whatever) THEN MOVE ON. Before, I would have said “wait until the second date and see” and you know what? By all means, go on that second date if you’re iffy, but in reality, you can tell from a first date if you have any attraction to the person you’re sitting in front of. Don’t waste your time — it’s precious, as are you. If you don’t hold yourself to higher standards, who will? Nobody is meant to live a mediocre, “blah” kind of life.

The same can be said with your job. If you feel you deserve a raise, take some time to put together a proposal and ask for it. If you feel like your original salary offer is low or you don’t feel does you justice, ask to negotiate. Nine times out of ten if you ask, you’ll receive (at least a compromise).

2. See the red flags and move on. (Read: “BREAK UP WITH YOUR EX BOYFRIEND FOR THE LAST TIME.”)
I always laugh when people talk about breakups because they’re crying (or yelling) “It’s over!” and we all know it’s not. Most times, you break up and there’s a long string of humiliation, stabbing words, and over-analyzation to follow. If you have been “dating” someone for over a year and they won’t commit? It’s probably time to face the music that they don’t want to commit to you. Whether you’re okay with that is up for you to decide. If you’re in an on/off relationship where the person constantly screws up, belittles you and shows no respect for you as a person, and you keep taking them back, then in actuality you are in fact the screwed up individual, who belittles yourself, with no self love (or confidence). Put the nail in the coffin, folks! You can’t move on to bigger and better if you don’t break free from the virus that is your ex. You love(d) them, we understand that, but it’s time to love yourself more. Even if your ex was fabulous and it was an amicable split, please do yourself a solid and cut off the communication. I don’t care what anyone says, being “just friends” as exes almost never works out (unless there’s a divorce somewhere in there) unless there are still feelings present. And the term “just friends” means no sexual attraction or chemistry whatsoever.

It’s like dating that guy in college — he’s great but he ends up breaking your heart, and when you move on, you end up dating the quarterback of the football team. I’d say that’s an upgrade, and possibly worth the heartache you had to sustain with the other dude.

3. FTLOG, stop texting HIM.
I figured out one epic downfall of the woman species is she’s too concerned about showing her affection. Women always need the upper hand, but want to make sure that the guy they’re pining over knows they’re thinking about them. These next few sentences are going to blow you away, as I have been victim of this before and while I relapse every so often, it’s important to NOT DO IT, EVER: don’t text him. For the love of God, don’t do it.

You don’t need a guy to know if you’re interested or thinking of him because guess what? There’s this thing God invented called CHIVALRY and it’s not your job (initially) to seduce and court the male. Now, some asshats would have you believe that this is your duty by never texting you or calling you or whatever — in which case, guess what? He’s not into you. Sorry. However, the guy that really wants to see you and get to know you (and possibly love you?) and is probably worth keeping around? He’s asking you what you’re doing, where you are, and when he can see you next like it’s his full-time, salary + benefits JOB. (In the most non-creepy way, of course. Use your discretion and get a restraining order if need be.)

How pitiful would it be if you married a man that you had to do all the work for? “Yeah, I practically had to BEG dad to take me out to dinner! And now we’re married!” Uh, great? Listen folks, I’m all about women’s rights and being powerful and all of that, but at the end of the day, I’m a lady. I need a man to do his job, which is protect and make me feel like the lady I am — not just that, like a precious jewel so sought after that he feels lucky to even have me to himself. (Maybe this is why I tend to be attracted to extremely tall men?)

Just stop texting him. If he hasn’t texted you in awhile, create some mystery and allure and he’ll come around. If he doesn’t, it’s not your job or problem to worry about. Very similar to the scientific discovery of meeting someone new: when you stop talking to your ex and you’ve found someone else, the ex always seems to come out of the woodwork like magic! Stop being so available that he becomes uninterested.

Guys, you, on the other hand… it’s your job and God-given right as a man to pursue the woman. End of story. Stop being little biotches and do your part, if you truly want to see, date, or be with a woman.

4. Do some things you haven’t.
I need to clarify this before it gets out of hand. If you’re a serial monogamist, and you people know who you are, please take this year to be alone. I highly recommend this for anyone who has recently gotten out of a long-term, serious relationship. Moving on takes time, and jumping into something with someone else means you’re bringing baggage from the past with you, enabling the new relationship to fail. Furthermore, you’re not able to come to terms with some of the things that happened before, or decide what you really want and need. If the thought of being without someone scares you, you are the #1 candidate for a year of solitude. By all means, date, have picnics, take someone out for a drink. Just don’t hightail yourself into a relationship you have no business being in because you want to “feel loved” or need a hard body in your bed. You dig?

At the same rate, are you scared of being in a relationship? DATE! Go out, meet people, explore your options. If nobody tickles your fancy, fine! But don’t give up on finding someone spectacular, for fear you’ll get hurt. Dating can be awful (trust me), but as a mid-20-something, dating is how you meet people, given you don’t want to date your coworkers. Enough said.

5. Finally, believe you are worth better. (And that you can capable of achieving anything!)
I think a lot of confident people struggle with that first sentence. You might have an air about you; feel like you can do anything, that you’re on top of the world, but when it comes to relationships and romance, you settle. STOP DOING THAT. Don’t settle because it’s taking too long to find someone you truly are attracted to. Don’t settle because “Hey, this guy is great and has a lot going for him and my friends like him and I wonder if I’ll find anyone like this again!” except you’re not really into it. Don’t settle because you feel backed into a corner with no way out. If you’re unhappy, ends things.

Much like envisioning losing weight or getting in better shape or quitting smoking, you have to envision (or manifest, as my girl Marina puts it) a wonderful person before you can attain them. Really, it sounds so corny, but a lot of what you do in life depends on if you can see it coming to fruition! So guys, if you are wondering when you’re going to find a girl who will support you and you absolutely can’t live without, envision that you’ll find her. Same goes with you ladies.

Be confident in you who are. The right person always shows up when you least expect it, so stay positive, be focused on you and bettering yourself, and then wait for gifts to be bestowed upon you. Seriously, no athlete desires to win the silver medal, and like that commercial says, nobody aspires to tell a mediocre joke at best (or something like that). Hell, Muhammed Ali didn’t get in the ring and hoped he didn’t get hit — he went in to knock the lights out of his opponent and WIN!

In relationships, sometimes, you gotta get the lights knocked out of you before you can start winning those trophies. (Gotta love this loose analogy). It’s all a part of the plan though.

Happy New Year!

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He’s baaaaaaaaaack

Sometimes, I feel bad for writing these things because, truthfully, it is not in my nature to be malicious. I mean, I cried for three days straight when I found out Santa Claus “died” (yes, not that he wasn’t real — he died) and I still have trouble with negative verdicts in court cases because I believe most people are inherently good, and constantly scrutinize every piece of evidence before deeming someone guilty or not. Except Casey Anthony and OJ Simpson. They’re kray.

So it somewhat pains me to have to write about this guy again. Truth be told, I think he has a lot of issues upstairs, if you know what I mean, girlfran? Like… abandoment issues. I feel like I’m qualified to say that given he’s pretty much spoonfed me his insane life story.

Which brings me to an off-topic yet somewhat relevant point: why do people feel compelled to tell me these things? At this rate, I’m thinking I could get a confession out of OJ before Oprah could. Really. People seemingly feel comfortable telling me absolutely NUTSO things about themselves, and at times they’re not even nuts — they’ll tell me things I have no business knowing, or confide in me deep, dark secrets or emotions when I barely know them, or they let their true egostistical, arrogant selves out of the box. It truly makes no sense. I’m hoping it will help me in my hosting career at least. But seriously, as my dad has always said, “You’re a bum magnet.” Leave it to me to attract men with more than their fair share of mental issues.

I feel I am qualified to diagnose men’s problems because, well, I dated someone that was bipolar. It wasn’t a great relationship, to put it lightly. I actually hope we can find a way to fix this mental disorder because it’s truly depressing to witness, if not completely exhausting — being on cloud nine one minute to complete and utter devestation the next. I also deal with men on a daily basis, as I mentioned, they seem to text me their issues and expect me to resolve their problems, if not construct a perfectly-worded text to send to the woman they met 24-hours prior. (Yes friends, you thought you were the only person I was helping out? Nope.)

So, guess who’s back? This guy. Read up on him. He was persistent, didn’t get the clue, obviously likes a challenge because there’s no way in hell this plus him will ever happen, and is most definitely girl crazy.

The thing about this guy is I’ve told him, to his face, that if he doesn’t stop being a serial monogomist and doesn’t take some “time of solitude” to find himself and figure out what the hell is his problem, he will ruin every relationship he has from here on out. I thought he understood because he was all, “I’m taking your advice!” Yet the next day he’s informed me he invited an ex-intern over to his family’s house for Thanksgiving. #FailCentralStation

Here’s an email exchange that went down the week before I peaced out for Thanksgiving. Admittedly, I did contact him first, but only because my roomie went to lunch with said intern, who mentioned about going to his house for Thanksgiving. I’m blue, he’s black:

11/18/11, 2:37 PM:
So (the roomie) chatted me up about (redacted intern’s name) today…

2:44 PM:
She might by the one Kirbie J

Note: I have to include that this statement is infuriating given a few days before he stood at my desk to inform me his life was in shambles, thanks to a woman he had an affair with, because she slept with her (now) ex-husband on her birthday. Proceed.

2:54PM:
You are an epic dumbass

2:57PM:
You are in a lovely mood today…

2:58PM:
I’m not just saying this, but you are going to ruin this poor woman’s life. Stop jumping from woman to woman! I actually feel bad for her. Get your shit together.

(He is sprawled out like gigalo, in the atrium/lounge area at this point. I am passing him every so often to run to the kitchen.)

4:52PM:
Your hat is cute KGJ

(“G” fo Godzilla. As in “life ruiner” and/or “terror.”)

4:53 PM:
Are you aware that you are giving me great material for my blog?

(Full disclosure! Can’t sue me now…)

4:54 PM:
Exactly what do I get in return?

4:54 PM:
Complete and utter humiliation…?

4:56 PM:
Hmmm. I was gonna go a different way with that. You enrich my life Kirbie. I actually would like this place a lot less if you weren’t here.

(This is where I partially feel like a biotch and partially am shaking my hands in the air going, “Why God, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?” Then I read the first sentence again and realize he’s a may-jah skeezeball.)

4:57 PM:
You’re really just a glutton for punishment, I believe…

5:00 PM:
Did it ever occur to you that you actually like me? Let’s text.

(I kept my personal cell phone off the employee phone list for this purpose exactly.)

5:00 PM:
No.

(Deja vu?)

5:02 PM:
Hahahah!

“No.”

I adore you. You utterly crack me up.

5:12 PM:
I have a song you need to hear.

http://youtu.be/rMqayQ-U74s

5:16 PM:
You’re sweet. What are you doing this weekend?

{End Scene}

It was once said that Capricorns are women with a ton of patience. I never believed it until this email exchange. Do you know what it’s like to deal with men who are delusional? If you’re a woman? Yes. If you’re a not? Probably not — you perpetuate other men’s delusional mindsets. I wish I could get paid every time a guy acts like a pompous, egotistical maniac around me — and doesn’t realize it, but alas I suppose I am being punished for something.

Guys, all kidding aside, I have a few suggestions for you dudes out there:

  • Don’t date if you just got out of a relationship. You aren’t ready, even if you cheated or are mentally checked out long before the breakup. “Do you.” As Drake would say, “Ooh I needed that.” In fact, just listen to Drake’s whole album. It hits a tad too close for comfort and some of you guys need to take a long listen.
  • If you go on a date and you feel it went great, but in your gut you’re getting bad signals from the girl, you should probably be aware of this phrase: she’s just not that into you.
  • Don’t try to be someone you’re not. You don’t need someone to edit everything you say and do to impress a woman. Haven’t you seen Hitch? It doesn’t end well if you’re a puppet, using a puppeteer to commandeer women into loving you.
  • Please find the appropriate balance between being “hard to get” and a “good guy.” Don’t confuse those with “an asshole” and “needy.” It’s exasperating and disappointing.

I guess that’s all I can do and say for now. In the end, I suppose it’s up to you to crash and burn before you learn any lessons…