Most of you who read Kirbie Goes to Hollywood are aware that I joined Match.com three weeks ago. I received a free six month subscription from the one and only Ellen, as in Degeneres — as in I was on the show, some couple got engaged, won a $50,000 check from Match.com and everyone in the audience got to join for free.

I have always had issues with online dating sites. Mostly because they all have terrible connotations associated with them, partly because I feel like I shouldn’t have to go online to meet people. Because, as the connotation goes, people on the internet are weird. They do bizarre things. However, when you live in LA, meeting people who aren’t just concerned with what you do or aren’t only talking to you because they’re hoping to remove your underwear later on in the night is very are, my friends. Nobody here is looking for love, because frankly everyone is always looking for something better. I have to admit that I am holding out for a certain linebacker who currently lives in Wisconsin. Those dreams may just remain that: dreams. However, in La La Land, we all believe we are capable of better.

And frankly, I believe (truly) that I am capable of dating better men than the pipsqueak on Match.com, who is 21, who only is interested because he liked my photos, and probably has no direction in his life whatsoever.

Contrary to popular beilef, some men on Match aren’t pizza-faced, video game nerds. There are some hotties on Match.com. I base hotness on a few things: their photo hasn’t been edited AT ALL, the photos are close up, and they’re straight on — no weird angles (and no kayak photos from 50 feet away). Speaking of, I have to wonder why men feel like putting 7,000 photos of themselves kayaking or a photo of them doing a kegstand from 15 feet away is going to get them a woman. I can’t tell what you look like, but you like to be outdoors and can chug that beer! Yay!

Basically I decided to give Match.com complete hell when looking for a match. My specifications are as follows: He had to be a Christian (somewhat difficult in LA). He had to be between 6’2 and 6’9. And he had to be between the ages of 26-32.

Christian is obvious. I went for 6’2 because most guys lie about their height. Delusional is actually the more accurate word. Oh, you’re 6’0? No, you’re really 5’10. They all like to stretch the truth just a little bit, thinking girls like me don’t notice. But not this gal. What can I say, I’m attracted to tall guys. And the age thing: I’m not trying to date anyone younger than me, and I feel a two year age difference is a good jumping off point. I’m also not trying to date someone whose screenname is “AmysDad.” Woof.

Frankly, I can’t see myself actually going out on Match.com, but it’s incredibly intriguing and empowering to get online and pick and choose who you want to talk to. It’s like shopping for a man! I think it’s important to realize that places like Match.com or eHarmony aren’t sites where you hide behind a profile and never meet the person, similar to those weirdo chatroom type relationships you see depicted in the movies or on TV. It’s kind of like going to a bar, but you’re meeting someone through communication (and looks), instead of alcohol and looks.

So I get frequent emails from Match saying “so and so has winked at you” or “so and so has sent you an email.” I don’t know if there is a template for men on how to approach a woman online, but mostly every email I get goes something like this:

Hey Kirbie,

Hows your weekend going? I see we have some things in common and i liked what i read about you so far. I’d like to get to know you better over coffee sometime. How’s that sound?

 

Hmm. Sounds engaging. I REALLY want to respond to that! How about stating something we have in common? Or what you liked about me? Why not get to know me a tad more before asking me out to coffee, a huge commitment in my mind? That would be a great start.

 

Then there are some special emails. Ones that stand out from the rest. These deserve to be shared with the world.

 

Let me introduce you to Laurence. I’m going to show you a video, only because he told me to Google him and look him up.

 

Watch here.

(The video wouldn’t let me embed it.)

 

Yeah. That’s right. This guy was on Millionaire Matchmaker. While this might make him automatically swoon-worthy to some women, I have some reservations about this. If you tell me you’re setting me up with a guy and he was recently a featured millionaire on Millionaire Matchmaker, I’m already deeply offended. Here’s why:

• Those guys are heinous (for the most part)
• Most have zero personality, and they can get away with it because they’re loaded (for the most part)
• They constantly talk about their money, what they have, and what they can do for you, but nothing really of substance (for the most part)
• Why do you think Patti Stanger hates them all so much? (for the most part)
• Basically you’re telling me I look like a woman who is attracted to guys with tons of money and have zero respect for myself (for the most part)

So I decide to not judge a book from this absolutely ridiculous email that was pretty much a walking billboard for “I’m a douche with a ton of money and pretty much have zero personality, charm, or good looks for that matter,” and looked at his profile.

 

 

Here’s the abbreviated version of his “About Me”:

 

 I consider myself good natured & kind. I love to cook & hit the gym most days. I’ve always been conscientious about keeping my life in balance & have never worked long hours. (Starts off alright enough.) I’ve been very fortunate with the vitamin business I started as a youth & still work because I love my job. I’m very decisive & reliable. Here are a few things that are very important to me in a finding the right woman; I hope I’m not expected to e-mail back & forth… I’m looking for a passionate love, not a pen pal. If a person won’t speak I’ll assume they’re; not serious, just attention seeking or a fake profile. It’s way too time consuming to go through all this just to have someone slow me down w/ email after email. All grown ups speak on the phone… daily. Slow movers don’t understand or respect the value of time & how fast life passes us by. The net is a great way to find someone but not the way I choose to get to know them. (Honestly, this guy has some issues and I can already tell by this paragraph alone. Rushing into talking on the phone? I barely do that with my boss and I’m around him nine hours a day and have known him for a year. Not to mention he feels the need to belittle people by wanting to get to know a stranger within the comfortable confines of the internet… furthermore, even if he didn’t mention this stuff, I’m not interested because he has a terrible writing voice.)

 

I’m affectionate quickly & I need a woman who is as well. Success favors the courageous.

(While true, this statement sounds sadistic)

 

Chemistry is #1 & I need to know it’s there WHILE I invest my time/energy/soul. OK, back to me… my diet is organic & mainly raw/vegan. I love animals… especially my dog… If a woman makes a good living that’s great but it’s not on my list of priorities. (Basically reaffirms my initial thought of gold diggers jumping his bones)

 

If you’re a UFC fan you may have seen me ringside during the broadcast sponsoring the show w/ my vitamin company. They put my logo in the center of the octagon (search the net for liddell vs white to see a clip). I also competed in a submission match for the UFC in 2007. I was on season 2 of Bravo TV’s The Millionaire Matchmaker (search the net for different millionaires to see a clip). Thanks for reading

 

OH. LAW. After reading this, my maternal instinct set in. I sure as hell don’t want to date someone who gives Patti Stanger as a reference, but hey, he could use some help. He’s basically advertising the following: “I’m rich. I’m above human with my organic/raw diet. I need affection immediately. I’m rich. I’m rich. I’m on TV. I’m rich.”

 

This pretty much means every girl with outstanding loans and daddy issues is jumping on him within a 50 mile radius. So I decide to “help” him by giving him some advice. Oh, by the way, here’s what he said to me initially:

 

Nice profile Kirbie 🙂 If you’d like to get a better look at me you can see a funny clip from a TV show I was on (The Millionaire Matchmaker) if you google different millionaires. It only works on a computor not a cel phone. If you’re interested in my work there’s a clip from the UFC with my logo center octagon (youtube liddel vs white). Nice to meet you 🙂

 

Thanks for reiterating both of those items. Because they surely make you more attractive, and I want to base my relationships on how you appeared on the side of a UFC ring and during Millionaire Matchmaker.

 

Here’s my response:

 

Hi there! I didn’t want to ignore you but I do want to offer you advice. You’re not going to reel in a woman worth keeping by openly advertising your money, status, belongings, etc. Putting pictures of The Millionaire Matchmaker and your home/cars is not attractive to most women seeking true love, given most of them don’t care about those things. You’re going to acquire women who are looking for a sugar daddy, not true love. They might look good, but they won’t treat you right.I hope that isn’t harsh. However, it’s true. I would recommend taking it from a different approach. Talk about what makes you passionate in life. Don’t boast about what you have, rather take things that are important to you and project them on your profile. You’re an attractive man (Note: I didn’t want to tear him down, and I think he is probably attractive to other women), so once you go on a date and get to know a girl better, then you can tell her about your millions and your nice cars and your UFC sponsorship. Those things will all be complimentary to dating a nice guy, and won’t be the focal point of the relationship.Also, most people watch Millionaire Matchmaker and gag because 99% of the men on the show are terrible, with zero personality, and only know how to do one thing: talk about money to make up for their lack of wit and charm. I’m not saying that is you, because I haven’t seen your episode, (your profile reaffirms this) however it proves my point that assumptions can be made just by being associated with the show. Don’t let women use that as a reason to not date you. Get my point?

Anyway, I’m off to a birthday. Hope you have a great weekend and enjoy your extra hour of sleep!

I know I went in with guns blazing, so I was expecting a rather heated email back. Which I received not even 30 minutes later:

 

I would have rather you ignored me. If I wanted advice I would ask for it… Dr Phil. Save your negativity. Here’s some advice for you. If a guy sends you a message & you’re not interested, don’t respond… just hit the block button at the bottom of this page. If you can keep you’re negative energy & insecurities about money in check & you’re interested in me hit me back. If not DON’T CONTACT ME AGAIN.

 

Thank you, Laurence! I so needed help on how to handle a man of your caliber, since clearly I have no dating skills and am riddled with insecurities. Also, what happened to “good natured” and “kind?” I thought those people remained calm and collected in these instances.

 

I should have just left it alone, but really, I feel like asshats in this town need someone to bring them off that cloud their floating on and hit them with a dose of reality… whether it’s harsh or not.

 

I haven’t found true love on Match.com, which is great considering I’m not there to find love. Maybe I’m duping people by thinking this way, but whatever. It’s a win-win: I stay on and get ammunition for this blog, or find someone to date. Perfection. I doubt I will though, unless #52 appears on there anytime soon.

 

There are so many more interactions that need to be written about. Until next time…