What boys like

This survey was hilarious. I laughed out loud a few times. Some answers we boldly candid, others make me realize how delusional guys really are.

Over 4th of July weekend, I witnessed quite a few of my guy friends objectify women. And I’m not talking like an occasional glance of the breasties, but like, full out, fondling a woman with their eyes. If that makes any sense.

I was amused and then instantly concerned, given I am a woman (obviously).

Then I had a conversation with a few guys who talked about how Katy Perry was not “guy hot,” but “girl hot.” We all know this distinction exists, but what qualities make someone “guy hot?” Furthermore, the guys commented that they want to marry a beautiful woman, but a date a hot one, because hot women will not be hot later on down the road. It’s really smart logic in that it makes absolutely no sense. So what, you screw a few chicks who look good now, and then try to marry a gorgeous woman later? What distringuishes the hot chicks from the gorgeous ones? Is it not just looks, but a personality trait? I NEED ANSWERS!

Obviously this lead me to wonder what guys look for and what they think when they see a woman, or what they feel when they find out a woman’s occupation, etc.. In my opinion, I think Katy Perry is smoking hot. I want D-sized breasts. I think she’s gorgeous and sexy all at the same time. But to the men I spoke to, her breasts don’t make her hot. They’re “funbags,” if you will. Joy.

So let’s dive in.

1.  I prefer women who are

tan — 62%

fair skinned — 38%

I didn’t get any explanations on this answer… mostly because I didn’t ask for any. Whoopsies. But yeah, lives up to the notion that people just look better with a tan. Might not be the healthiest route (unless it’s in a can), but a tan makes you feel healthier and more appealing. Maybe this correlates to the blondes/brunettes question later on…

2.  I am a

breast guy — 62%

butt guy — 38%

I knew this answer. The fact is that most men want both a perfect rack and a luscious booty, but at the end of the day, “breasts are what distinguish a woman from a man. We all have butts.”  (Literal explanation from the survey.) Hmmm. So I guess our vaginas are irrelevant? Just kidding! But yeah, I know plenty of men with breasts and it’s not a good look. Doesn’t make them a woman, however. Just a few pivotal quotes for this question:

(Why breasts are better) “Why is the icing of an Oreo the best? Cookies are great also (butt in this analogy) but if you held a gun to my head I’d want icing.” Bueller? Anyone? So what you’re saying is… you like my breasts in between my butt cheeks? That my (our) breasts are like icing and you want to lick them? I don’t get it. Just no. Please submit another analogy.

“But to be specific, I am a small breast guy or rather B Cup guy. Why is it more appealling? I’m not sure but when I see nice breast, I imagine kissing them, so I guess that means they look kissable.” Mentervention has now turned into a confessional, folks! I appreciate this candidness but I feel a little awkward right now. Honestly, I do appreciate this insight because now when movies portray men as pervs who constantly think about sex, and I can believe it.

(Why butts are more appealing) “At the risk of sounding crude, guys need something to hold onto.”

As for the booty, the resounding majority vote when it comes to why A is better than T?

 “Well, it is usually found on well rounded (physically) women, therefore, nice butt usually equals nice overall figure. NOT ALWAYS TRUE. Also, breast implants can solve the chest issue, if needed.” I’m really curious to know what makes a butt “good” to men. It is large? Firm? Most men who chose A over T said this exact thing — that a woman has to work for a great butt, and she must have a great rest of her body. Fact: I know women with plump, firm bottoms that look like trolls. I guess the stars have to align…

3. I prefer:

A doctor 38%

A teacher 31%

A journalist 31%

(On doctors) “Shows that she is dedicated to something besides herself, and probably knows how to get things done. A woman who may not need you is pretty attractive.” Fact. Thinking about it, I blew off every guy I’ve dated in the beginning. Must a be a challenge type of thing…?

(On teachers) “I wouldn’t want to date someone with such a hectic schedule as a doctor. I respect the profession but that just sounds like a lot of last minute planning. Journalist women are cool but completely feel like they have EVERYTHING to prove to EVERYONE and end up flaunting themselves to the point of embarrassment. Such vanity. Nice girl to date for a little bit but not for long. A teacher would be a nice, sweet, motherly character. Plus, whenever she wanted to be taboo it would be crazy hot.” Oh, so you know a journalist? Dated one? Do tell. (Rant forthcoming.)

(On journalists) “Shows ambition.”

TANGENT TIME: Apparently if you’re a teacher, you’re more nuturing than anyone else on the planet; a doctorate degree means you’re independent and career-oriented, and journalists are just low-life “snoops” and “too analytical” — based on the answers I received. No disrespect to either professions because I have wonderful, intelligent friends in both fields; kudos to both. But this infuriates me.

I guess I provided the option of journalist because I am an aspiring one. No, blogging doesn’t put me in the same category, unfortunately. But what, I’m a menace to society because I’m curious about how other people feel and think? I want to know what makes the world go round? Mind you, none of you men give two craps about how “sneaky” and “vain” journalists are when you’re reading the work of one or seeing it on broadcast televison  —  you just wouldn’t want to date one…

Newsflash: careers that are depicted in movies are dramatic. Grey’s Anatomy is not how real hospitals operate. Gale Weathers (Scream) is one in a million when it comes to reporters. Yes, I deal with the media quite often and know they can be backstabbing and unfair, however, I admire plenty of women journalists because they dare to ask questions and find answers: Oprah for one, and namely Diane Sawyer.

I also have to throw in there that most people I associate with come to me to help them out, because they’re the ones being too analytical with relationships or whatever. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to tell my girlfriends to stop over-thinking things when it comes to a boy! You can separate work from your career. End of story. But trust, Taryn Brooks doesn’t call me “Nancy Drew” for nothing. Thanks Google for helping me endlessly find any minute detail I may be seeking.

4. What is the single most attractive thing about a woman?

“LOWER BACK DIMPLES.”  This person has to be from my office. The other week we were talking about how I have these. (Long story.) No, not cellulite, a-holes (although we all have it). It’s like… I don’t know the proper term for them. A snake bite? Whatever. They’re two indentations right above your bum, at the small of your back. I don’t know. But now I know someone overheard my conversation… and the entire free world knows I have them. No shame.

“True understanding of herself. There’s a period between 25 and 27 when most women figure out who they are that’s incredibly sexy. It’s not about confidence or fake confidence. It’s more of a self-actualization and acceptance of who they are. As a man, it’s much easier to deal with women who have gone through this because it doesn’t seem like they are playing games or are “crazy” as most guys would say.” Search Menterverntion.com for “Quarter Life Crisis,” then get back to me. Men are 100x more unstable than women at this age. #Bible

“The right type of confidence. A woman is attractive when:
a) she knows what she wants but is willing to compromise when necessary,
b) she speaks her mind but also includes others in the conversation,
c) she is sure of herself but does not take herself too seriously,
d) she knows that she is beautiful but is not consumed by it”

This is a great answer. Kudos to this man. Great thoughts and well-written. Women need to frame it and put it on their wall. I’m half-tempted to Google it and see if it’s some Plato quote or something…

The majority answer as far as personality was sense of humor, with intelligence a close second. As far as looks, the emphasis is on the eyes.

5. Pick One:

5’5” 66%

5’11” 34%

I wonder if I had put 5’7” instead of 5’11”, if men would have voted for that one more? I bet so. I think 5’5” is the average height for a woman. Most people I have dated have joked about my height and their wish would be for me to be a few inches taller. I had a complex about it when I used to be proud of my height. Listen, I am a catch just the way I am. If you want to date someone taller, by all means, please do so. I can be 5’9 1/2” with heels if need be. But that’s all you’re getting from this chick.

I don’t want to be taller. There is something so sexy to me about being my height and having a tall man next to you. Yum.

6. I don’t date girls that:

The number one answer with 89% is SMOKING! YES. Shout out to all my ladies who smoke — on a girl-to-girl level? Not cute. Just stop. You smell, you look like trash, and you smell — real bad. Even smoking recreationally is foul.

Runner up is when a girl is superficial and cares about looks and money. Interesting since in past surveys, you guys talk about how important financial security is for you, not to mention you talk about wanting a “proportional” woman with a nice ass and big breasts.

7. Pick one:

Blondes 31%

Brunettes 69%

Well fine then. Listen, I think hair color is ridiculous. Some brunettes are never meant to be blondes and vice versa. I know that while I would love to be a dark brown chick, I couldn’t do it. Wouldn’t be “me.” I would look heinous. Just like Katy Perry looks hid with her new blonde-orange hair she has going. Woof.

What is it about brunettes? Sex appeal? Are blondes sugary sweet and brunettes buxom and bodacious? What is it about a brunette? Do you take them more seriously? I know that I am not taken seriously by men and women until they see me at work. Then I get some street cred. That or until I rap ‘Forgot About Dre.’ Either/or.

8. Pick:

Good in bed: 51.72%

Good cook: 31.48%

Good at sports: 6.9%

Shocker! Sexual chemistry is a must. For the two idiots who chose ‘good at sports’… athleticism is fleeting. I’m sure you probably think athleticism equates to a great bod and that she will transfer those athletic genes to your children, right? #getagrip

9. My ideal woman is:

She’s a brunette! Natalie Portman had the majority of the write-in votes.

One vote behind? Carrie Underwood. (YEAH GIRL!)

Other notable options? Sharon Osbourne and her “stand-by-your-man-ness”, Claire Huxtable, Jennifer Aniston (#3) Tami Taylor (Friday Night Lights), Julie Bowen and Kate Middleton (#4). Also, some of my guy friends totally gave themselves away with those answers!

Funny thing is that to me, all of these women are gorgeous. Not hot — but stunningly beautiful with personality to boot. So ladies, strive not to be the hot chick on the block! Have some dignity and wit about you and you’re golden.

I actually had someone comment that I was their ideal woman. This person clearly hasn’t met me. Are you crazy?

In all seriousness, I am flattered and a tad embarrassed to be quite honest. Whoever you are — thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it. And thank you for reading the blog.

10. I want a woman who: (some of the best answers)

 “… pushes and challenges me to be something better than what I am alone. Life in my mind is a series of self-improvements, but there is only so far the average person can discipline themselves to be ever-striving for their goals. I want someone who is going to make sure that I achieve what I want out of life the same way as I would do for them.”

“I don’t have to perform around.”

“Loves God, loves others, loves me. Doesn’t get caught up in the world, cherishes the good instead of dwelling on the negative, and actively works against taking anything for granted.”

“Is undeniably herself. A woman that is enhanced with relationships with others but is perfectly happy/content on her own, pursuing her passion. I would love for her to be a 10/10 physically but at the end of the day the definition of a “perfect 10″ is so distorted and subjective that it is a endless endeavor to define it with any finality. An amazing personality can enhance any woman’s appearance ten-fold.”

“Wants me. I want to feel special and know that I am the guy she wants.”

Shout out to the guys who quoted Cake and Blessid Union of Souls (“Short Skirt/Long Jacket” and “Hey Leonardo”). I agree, I want a guy  with a mind like a diamond, I want a guy that knows what’s best. I want a guy with the right allocations, who is fast, and thorough and sharp as a tack. (I’m done.)  

By the way, is it a genetic flaw that none of you guy want to start sentences with capital letters? Did you skip that day in kindergarten? Seriously. I had to edit all these responses to include capitals. 

Thanks to everyone who participated. I know some of you were anticipating the results. By the way, I give men a hard time but I am not a hater. I love men. In fact, I want to marry one some day. Sometimes I get disappointed by you guys but let’s face it, at the end of the day I’m hoping to find a special guy to call my own at some point or another. God knows it won’t be Zac Efron or Justin Timberlake because I’ve professed my love for both of them so much online that if we ever dated, they’d find it and call things of real quick. I should go through an delete all mentions of their names, but that would mean deleting my blog in its entirety.

In the mean time, I will analyze surveys like the snoop I am…

Feel free to leave explanations in the comments section if you have any gonads to admit you took the survey. 🙂

Just for fun, with no relevance at all, here’s Buddy Holly by Weezer and Motivation by Kelly Rowland and Weezy. So sexy.

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