It’s apparently breakup week here at Mentervention. Since we’ve all been through a breakup or two, can we come together as one and acknowledge what “closure” really is?

It’s just that. Something that goes in between quotes because it’s not really what it claims to be. Oh, Snooki is now an “author.”  Skinny Girl margs are “skinny.”  I was in the bathroom that long for a “phone call.” (You get the point.) Closure is this event we implant in our heads to make things final, but really, it’s just something that prolongs the end.

We’ve all done it. We’ve had a breakup on the phone or even in person and it ends so abruptly that we’re left wanting more. It’s really just sick. Because even though we might want more in a way that makes us feel better, it will inevitably always leave us with more and more hurt. And frankly, the only person in the relationship that wants closure is the one who isn’t initiating the breakup.

Let’s talk this out, shall we?

I’ve had the luxury, if you will, of going through mostly long-distance relationships. The breakups are either over the phone or in person before I’m traveling back home. So it’s kind of nice that I don’t have the convenience running into them at the bar or having a weak moment and inviting them over. However, the closure aspect comes in to play because there’s the constant phone calls going on to rehash everything not once, but twice or maybe even six or seven times, in hopes of getting answers, or perhaps the occasional “mind change.”

Now, I know there are good breakups. The amicable, mature ones. Or even ones that are terribly heartbreaking, but not devastating because there’s a deeper understanding — no foul play, no abruptness, no hurtful circumstances.  Basically, the breakup that’s accepted by both parties.

I’m not talking about those breakups.

Most women won’t admit this (neither will men), but let’s face it: if you’re having a reunion after a break up, you’re secretly wanting the other person to be like, “I love you, I need you, I was such an idiot, you’re the best thing in my life.”

What actually happens at these reunions is the following:

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“How are you doing?”

Then an arguement of epic proportions breaks out OR Sobfest 2011 commences. How am I doing? I’ve lost 15 pounds because all I want to do is sleep. Thanks for asking?

There will be no comfort from these “closure” conversations, because you will end up more hurt than you did going in. Matter of fact. I mean, unless you’re meeting with this person because they begged to meet with you so they can profess their undying love and admit they were wrong, nothing will be resolved. You broke up. He doesn’t want to be with you. The reason doesn’t even matter at this point — he needs to figure out his career, the timing is off, he isn’t in love with you anymore, he doesn’t want to try hard enough, he’s moving, he found someone else — who cares? He broke things off. Swallow that pill and deal with it.

Another common reason for closure? Apologizing. We’ll want to meet with this person to apologize for things said and done. Listen, the time you need to apologize is when you get to the point where you can apologize, be sincere about it, and not get pissed that the person didn’t respond how you wanted them to.  That’s not going to be right after the breakup.

Let’s say the person comes back, crawling on their hands and knees (and please guys, don’t do that), would you even take them back? Have some dignity for pete’s sake. There’s as book entitled “It’s Called a Breakup because it’s Broken.” I haven’t read it, but what a great title. HELLO! You would still be with this person if all the questions and anxieties in your heart (and his/hers) were at peace, but you’re not, because they’re not. Getting back together with someone immediately after calling it off is like having a boss fire you and then bring you back in for a test run again a week later, only to really fire you a few weeks after that. It’s traumatizing! Not to mention you will have all this pent up anger and sadness, and a unhealthy dose of mad insecurity. That’s why you need time. Time, time, time, time, tiiiiiiiiiiiime! Time. (Just Friends reference, duh.)

I’m not saying couples can’t rekindle the flame, but they rekindle by breaking up correctly: a clean break. End it, wash your hands clean, and if it works out in the future, it works out. Plus, they probably have ample time to think, take care of themselves and their emotions, change what needs to be changed, etc. so they can be the best for each other later on.

If you’re meeting with someone for “closure” in hopes they’ll change their mind… good luck. It’s not going to happen. And if it does, how pathetic. Really. Why beg and plead for someone to be with you? You’re a “helluva guy” (or gal) (Nicki voice) and you deserve to have someone who wants to be with you and thinks you’re a gem! I’m not trying to shove sunshine up your bums but really, have some pride!

That’s the thing about breakups. Sometimes they happen and we have no ammo for the arsenal. It’s like, boom, you’re done, and we’re left with our head spinning. How could it have gone wrong? What is wrong with me? Nothing, my friends. Let me teach you guys the entertainment approach to dating.

You can hear 1,000 “No’s” in LA for every one “maybe.” It’s a cruel, cruel entertainment world. Sometimes, you may not hear anything at all, to be left in the abyss, wondering how you can get noticed. If you get down on yourself, you’ll never make it out here. And that’s how it is for dating. Just because someone tells you “no” and leaves you without any answers doesn’t mean you don’t keep trying in the future. You just keep on. You take those losses and move forward and learn from them to make yourself better. If you keep beating yourself up and subjecting yourself to the hurt of a failed relationship, you won’t bloom into what God has in store for you. I mean, it’s only fitting that I bust out some Katy Perry right here:

“If you only knew what the future holds, after a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe the reason why all the doors are closed so you can open one that leads you to the perfect road”

My credibility is probably shot after writing that but really, it’s true. Personally, I constantly remind myself that God knows his plan for my life and that if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. Whether it’s a job, getting an apartment, or a relationship, it will all work out the way it’s supposed to. And you should too.

I’m mostly speaking to women because we have an emotional pull, while men are more objective. We let our emotions take over our actions and sometimes it’s just not the best idea to meet up and get our “closure” we’ve been seeking. Sometimes it is, but a majority of the time let bygones be bygones.

Listen, love can move mountains. You can break up with someone and they end up being your happily wedded husband or wife a few years later. I’m not above believing in magic, miracles and romance. But during the breakup, don’t bring more hurt to your (and their) heart with your actions, before you ruin any chance of a future.

How’s that for closure?