The break up: being a light to others

Lately, it seems as if a lot of people I know are breaking up. Not sure if it’s something in the water or the cosmic alignment of the stars, but several people close to me are hurting, and it sucks. Both men and women are victims, and it tears my heart apart to see my friends go through it.

When you love your friends, you hurt when they hurt. Just a matter of fact. I absolutely hate hearing the tears and the turmoil because (obviously) I have been through heartbreaking moments myself. Actually, a lot of these recent breakups are so familiar to me, that it makes me cringe to know my friends are enduring something I went through myself, whether it’s someone who feels rejected or the person who is doing the rejecting (for lack of better terms), I feel both sides of the situation.

Then, today at church, our pastor, Kim, was talking about how we the people are God’s salt and His light. I’m going to feature a whole post devoted to the salt portion of her sermon, because it really touched my heart. But being God’s light is pertinent to what so many of you may be going through, or know someone is going through.

She insists that light requires focus. We are able to adjust to the dark. It’s so much easier to go into a dark room from the light than open our eyes into bright light from the dark. When we do go into the light, we have to adapt our eyes and re-focus. We add so much more to the picture we are seeing by adjusting our eyes to the light and we reveal things we might have overlooked before when we shift our focus.

By God’s definition, we are the Light, or in other words, the focus. We can help not only ourselves, but help others to see things they have been missing, or more importantly, overlooked, in certain circumstances or situations.

Growing up, I’ve always asked myself particular questions. Not all the time, but especially when I’m hurting. “Why am I going through this alone? Why don’t people seem to reciprocate what I give to them?” Don’t get me wrong, I don’t do things just to see what I get in return. But sometimes, I feel I give and I don’t get the same back, whether it be in a relationship or my friendships; I always feel like I do things for others that they aren’t willing or can’t to do for me.

This is a blessing and a curse. I’ve been taken advantage of, however (and more importantly), it has allowed me to bless others. Furthermore, when we feel alone, we aren’t. Plenty of other people go through the same things as you, even if they don’t vocalize it. And sometimes, you go through things alone so you can bless others when they go through it.

Being the light means shining brightly and helping others in their time of need, revealing answers to questions or possibly just offering hope and comfort when they can’t seem to find it. I think this is imperative, especially during a break up. Most of us 20-something women (and men — I didn’t forget about you guys!) go through very troubling, heartbreaking breakups at this time in our lives. And with those breakups come questions: “Is this how it’s always going to be? How do you know when you’re in love? Are you always supposed to love the other person more, until you get married? Why is this happening when things were relatively good in our relationship? Why is God removing this person from my life?”

With these questions, we strive to find answers, none of which will be revealed without lots and lots of time. Time is a friend, so is hope and faith. But, as a friend, we are obligated to be a source of light and comfort to those who are confused, especially when most of us have been through something similar.

And that’s the funny thing. We go through these trails and are like, “WHY me? Why is nobody else experiencing this hurt? Why am I the only one?” We need to confide in one another and ask for help and comfort when we need it. At the same rate, we need to reach out to our brothers and sisters even if they don’t ask for help. They might be going through a dark period and we not even know it, and reaching out could significantly change their mood, their outlook and their hope.

So, for all of you heartbroken souls out there, there will be brighter days, even if you can’t see them yet. And, if I can offer you anything, it’s this. I wrote this to a friend in need and I’ve edited as much as possible to keep their anonymity, but after they told me they forwarded it to a friend, I figured it might help a few of you out there too. Granted, everyone has different circumstances to a break up, but most of the themes are universal: people love you, don’t be blind to what’s really going on, love is not anxiety, and nothing is without a careful purpose.

I think this note is relatable to most everyone, and I hope you’ll fill in the blanks and make it your own, perhaps pass it on  to a friend, or at least send them the link to the site:

Dearest Friend,

Everyone who loves you would agree that you deserve better and you WILL find better! Long story short: we all liked ______, but _____ doesn’t make you. _______ was a component of your life that we enjoyed seeing in public, didn’t have to deal with in private, and is disposable to us. We’re in the long haul with you, not ______!

_______ can’t give you what you need. My only advice is not to dwell on “what ifs” and think about all the good times, but rather reflect on how ______ treated you in the present. I think we tend to think “but they were so great!” and not consider how we’re being treated in the now, which is what really matters. But I think you know in your heart that things were going south and that while you tried to fight the good fight, ______ wasn’t pulling their end of the bargain. It takes two!

You will find all the things you loved in ________ in someone else — with things that _______ didn’t have. Otherwise, _______ will pull themselves together and be the person you need in your life.

At this point, you don’t need to prove anything to them. They need to be the one to prove to you how important you are to them. Their actions will always be louder than words. Don’t dwell and think, “But what if they don’t know that I love them? Or they don’t think I want them to call?” If they want to be with you, they need to and will be the one to take the initiative. They will call. They will do whatever it takes… it’s not up to you to piece it back together.

Talk about it, let out all the sadness and anger, but then stop. If you keep letting it circulate out of your mouth, you’ll keep thinking about it more and more internally, which isn’t helpful to the process of moving on.

I LOVE YOU! You need to let your light shine, as God has given you gifts that he wants you to share with the world. When the timing is right, He’ll place a person in your life who compliments you completely — who is equally yolked. ________’s  great, but I don’t think they’re your equal part of the yolk, either.

As a constant reminder, just remember that God doesn’t take away things on accident. He’s known this was going to happen since you were an embryo. Crazy right? But I always find comfort in that, knowing he has a divine plan and that this is just part of it. If he wanted you to be with ________, it would be easy, correct? It would have been more peaceful in your heart had you two needed to work out (at this time). And maybe God had been whispering in your ear a few times to help you initiate the breakup (the feeling of not being wanted), and then left the lingering feeling in your heart for a reason. Just remember that the person you are supposed to be with makes you feel good, more than wonderful, as if you are the only priority they have… nothing can come between that.

Just remember: if it’s meant to be, it will be, no matter the circumstance. If it’s not, it’s not God’s will. (His will is always the best, remember?)

Anyway, I could keep going but I’m sure your overwhelmed and just need some time to think. So I leave you with these:

“God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don’t run after them.” Rick Warren

“Do not fear. Look beyond what’s dying to what’s being born.” Marianne Williamson

“When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anyone that left.” TD Jakes

Hope this helps someone. Love you guys, thanks for reading.

Kirbie

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