How To Reject a Man

Posted on by Menter Specialist
Reply

Death. Taxes. The Cowboys choking. Rejecting someone you don’t want to date.

Yes, these are all things that are definitive in this life.

Rejection is a word I hate. I think it’s so pompous to “reject” someone. Like they’re an object so foreign that you have to reject them from your life. Ugh. It’s the worst. word. ever. I prefer “notify them that you like them as a person, but are not interested in moving forward.” And at times it’s more like ”notify them that you don’t like them as a person because they are a complete (insert descriptive noun here) and you most definitely won’t be moving forward with any type of interaction.” But those are too long, yeah?

Anyway, I’m a fraud, I admit. Aren’t I supposed to offer sound advice and encouragement when it comes to breaking up or calling it quits? Probably. But  when it comes to letting people know I am not interested, I can’t close the deal.

I am going to admit that I am way too empathetic. I imagine how I’d feel if I were on the receiving end of this conversation. I get nervous I might hurt their feelings, so instead of straight up saying I’m not interested, I pretend to be too busy to ever see them again. (Partially true.) Or, I will not respond to their attempts to go out again. (I know, it’s awful.)

I’ve asked a lot of people how this should go. How do you tell someone you aren’t interested in them? I am not the Queen of Dating by any means. I don’t have men lining up to take me out. (This is LA, after all!) But if we’re going to remain realists here on Mentervention, I must say that I haven’t dated a guy in a while that I’ve been super eager to see again. The giddy factor is missing. A CRUCIAL FACTOR, FOLKS. I want to feel like I’m 17 again. Surely that feeling can be replicated. (Surely???)

Most dates are failures in terms of finding a mate. I think it’s because I have a clear idea of what I’m looking for in a man. And not just physically — although tall, determined and handsome doesn’t hurt nobody! These guys… they all have great attributes, but “Dreamweaver” hasn’t started playing in my head when they walk in the room.

Just to clarify, I don’t openly go around asking people for advice on how to let someone down gently. It’s just that whenever I casually mention that I have a date, people tend lose their damn minds. “WITH WHO!!!!! OMG!!! WHERE DID YOU MEET!!! LET ME SEE A PIC!” You’d think I had just won the $600 million Powerball with all the fuss that is made. (And should I be concerned that people are that excited when I get a date? Like I’m the perptetual single chick or something? Dear lord.) So they obviously do a follow-up  to ask how it went, and my response is pretty much as follows:

“He’s nice, we had a good time, but I don’t see it going anywhere.”

I mean, I should really redefine the term “good” because it’s not usually “good.” Good is like, we LOLed three or four times together, we held hands at one point, and I know I am going to see him again. Maybe a kiss was involved?! I don’t know. (I’m not that old-fashioned.) In most cases, I should say that it “sufficed to keep me occupied and he was a friendly person.”

So, how do you reject a perfectly nice guy, who bought you a drink (or two) and you might even see yourself being friends with? And they’re asking to see you again? But homie don’t play that?

I’ve had a few good answers given to me. A guy friend said to be straight forward, Band-Aid style. Hit them with it right off the bat, be quick, be nice, throw in some humor if you can. Just don’t lead him on. Men would rather know immediately that you’re not interested. Which, is logical, considering I would want to be told the same way.

My makeup artist said she found the perfect term to use, and she was right. “Tell them you had a great time, but you don’t think you’re a match.” Perfection. You did enjoy yourself, you like them as a person, but there’s no gray area when it comes to if you do or don’t want to see him again.

But how do you do you deliver this message?  Now usually I am a huge proponent of phone calls because it’s a lost communication form these days. I love talking on the phone, unless you are a publicist pitching me a product. (Don’t do that, by the way. Emails only.) That wasn’t always the case — but here, calls are my saving grace, considering all my closest friends and family are all living a solid 1200-1300 hundred miles away from me. (I know this for a fact since I have many of them on Find a Friend, an app we skillfully downloaded in Vegas, just in case one of us decided to wander off alone or happened to lose our phone.) But if you can get away with a text on this type of rejection, especially with somoene you just started to see, you can probably get the point across better by writing them instead of talking it out.

And on that note, if you are in a long-term relationship and you are rejecting someone through a text message, you are an asshat of epic proportions, and you should probably not be dating anyone, but instead taking some “me” time. Because that has “issues” written all over it.

Trivial Pursuits

Posted on by Menter Specialist
Reply

I’m one of those people who can talk to a wall if need be, but when it comes to dating, I CRINGE at the thought of having to explore if there’s a “connection” with someone I just met, because 99% of the time there is not.

Granted, I haven’t had a ton of dates. But last week I had two planned, which is rather shocking considering I don’t do these types of things. Surprisingly, neither one was awkward or boring or cringe-worthy… but that’s because one actually didn’t happen. Allow me to explain:

I met a guy two weeks ago at The Surly Goat, after my friends identified him as “my type.” He approached me during bar close. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t wooed by this guy because he was attractive, charming and totally outgoing — all things women can get behind, right? Long story short, he asked me on a date this past Saturday, I went, and it was great. Not weird, bizarre, uncomfortable — legitimately, it was a great time with a fun, interesting guy. Kudos to him for acting like someone I’ve known for more than just a week and not like a socially awkward idiot. I don’t know when I’ll see this guy again, (or if that’s even in the cards) but it made me happy to know not all dates are emotionally traumatizing. Rejoice!

My date on Friday, however, was with Brutus (name obvi changed). Since I’m trying to, you know, make time to date in my life, I figured why not test the waters? I wasn’t particularly interested in this person, but one of my co-workers gave me great advice: go on the date, get some wine, and use it as a way to build up your experience for when you meet someone great. Wine makes things less serious than an entire dinner, and if you use it more like a tool to help you get better at dating, there’s no harm there. PS writing “a tool to get better at dating” literally made me regurgitate a little, as it sounds SO BLOODY pathetic. Why do I need help dating? I’m effing awesome, right…?

So here’s the deal: I was going to be in San Fran for most of the week, and on that Monday I was asked out by this guy. I let him know I wasn’t going to be around, but he offered to pick me up from the airport on Friday and would take me to dinner then. I liked the gesture and thought it was super considerate of him (I can’t get some of my own friends to pick my ass up) so I committed to the date and went about my week. We would text a little bit while I was gone, and on Wednesday he told me he was headed to San Fran as well. A weird coincidence, yet not one I was willing to be like, “we should totally meet up!” Mostly because a) I was busy all day long while I was there, b) I had my office party and c) I was going to see him Friday. No need to go overboard with the appearances here. And frankly, I’m not asking you to come back to my hotel, so forget it, dude.

I didn’t hear from him Thursday or Friday morning, which lead me to crack some jokes about how I had been ditched and that my girlfriends and I should grab tacos that night and watch sappy roms coms in bed. Some of my friends thought I should have texted him with my flight info or to follow up, but I have some serious issues with this — those being that he’s the one who set this up, and he was the one making the offer. Like, perhaps if this dude was the man of my dreams, I’d make an effort. (Probably not. Chivalry ain’t dead in my book, people.) But here’s the point: if I’m offering to pick someone up from the airport, I’m asking them well in advance their flight info, what time I should be there, etc. I wasn’t about to ask this dude if he was still offering to pick me up and, you know, GO ON A DATE AND BUY ME DINNER. Also, please consider that the week before this he made plans to meet up with me and he flaked on those as well. See the pattern here? He knows how to woo ladies, especially ones who appear extremely disinterested.

I landed at LAX with no message from him at all, which was fine — me and my friends cabbed it home — but can we get real here? What an effing joke. This is why women bitch about dating guys in our generation, because they make these so-called “plans” for dates yet none of them have the gonads to follow up and make those things happen. Guys, it’s your bloody job to pursue a woman. Ladies, you should not be pursuing any man. I’m not old fashioned — and it’s not empowering for women to be pursuing a man, unless you’re in some ridic romantic comedy featuring Julia Roberts, and we all know how My Best Friend’s Wedding ended.  (If you don’t, hint: her love marries the younger, blonder Cameron Diaz, and she’s left alone with her gay companion.)  you’re wondering if a relationship is right for you, ask yourself if you are pursuing it more than the man is. If you are, and it works out, just remember you will have a lifetime to deal with him not pursuing you, and you having to pick up all the slack.

I don’t even need to get into that you shouldn’t take take take but give as well — that’s obvious, but not the point here. If a guy really wants to see you, he will figure out a way to make that happen, no matter what you’re doing or what you’re going through. If it ever pops into your mind that you should text him because you haven’t heard from him in a few days, please listen to me and DON’T TEXT HIM. Because any guy who is thinking of you is going to reach out to you via text, email, phone call, whatever. (Please apply this to breakups as well: if he wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t have broken up with you.)

“But you’ve been single how long?” Make the joke — I’ve been single three years. I haven’t gone on thousands of dates, but I did learn from the relationships I had in the past, and they all started out with the guy pursuing MOI. They made the effort, and there weren’t any games. No “let’s hang out” or “will you be at X bar?” or waiting six days to text or call each other. They were very much open about their intentions: they liked me, wanted to see me and spend time with me, and they were going to make that happen. These were no trivial pursuits by any means. They were valuable pursuits, and they were happy to go through them to court me.

OH! I forgot the best part. I’m pretty much a terror when it comes to men and making them feel dumb. By happenstance (or so we’ll say at this point) I ran into him at a bar I was at that night. Low and behold, he shows with his posse of bros. I truly adore one of his friends (apologies if you’re reading this) and explained to him what had happened.

“So, Brutus is socially inept when it comes to women — he was supposed to pick me up at the airport tonight and take me on a date, which obviously is not happening since, you know, we’re not on a date right now.”

The friend explained Brutus was buzzed on another level. (Shocking.) And eventually Brutus came over and made small talk that went something like this:

Brutus: “Hey, how’s it going?”

Kirbie: “Good! Great, how are you?” (I can really pep it up when I’m annoyed.)

B: “I’m good, you look great.”

K: “Thanks…”

B: “Yeah, I just got back in from San Fran late tonight. Did you fly in?”

K: “Yeah, I left around 7:10 and got in at 8:30.”

B: “Oh. Yeah. Remind me, where were you again?”

That was the point where I turned him around by brute force and requested that he leave. I know I shouldn’t have been upset if I didn’t want to see this guy in the first place, but really, make up your mind, and don’t waste my time with it all. He made the plans, and was proactive about it happening THAT NIGHT. Then I happen to see him at a bar after he pretty much ditched me, and the guy is obviously on something because he doesn’t even remember that I was in San Francisco — the place he was just at as well.

LONG STORY but that’s not the guy I want to date, nor the kind of guy I’m attracted to, and I’m sick of dealing with these lint-lickers. Ladies, does this sound like someone you’d want to date either? Unless you are working the street corner, no, no you don’t.  One characteristic every fiancé or husband to my girlfriends has? They’re men, and they encompass that. They don’t allow their women to be their mothers or babysitters. They may not be good at planning, but they figure out how to get their shit together, especially when it comes to pursuing those women. Each woman is strong and independent, yet these men allow them to feel their best and let them enjoy being a woman, and part of that is being pursued by a real man.

So let’s cheers to this: no more trivial pursuits, ladies and gentlemen.

Men: Your Turnoffs Are Slightly Idiotic

Posted on by Menter Specialist
Reply

My friend Emily sent me a link last week from Jezebel. It’s a few months old, but that didn’t take away from its relevance or how hilarious it is. This woman, Lindy West, is a woman after my own heart. Because she likes to mix relationship commentary with some good, old fashioned LOLs.

Image

Her commentary, perfectly written in her post, “Listen Up, Ladies: Here’s Everything Real Men Think is Wrong With You,” highlights several “turnoffs” “real men” have, according to Yahoo. A few of the treats include:

- false lashes, fake hair

- applying body lotion

- taking too much time to put on makeup

- wet hair

- using a hair dryer, wearing heels (before work to get ready)

- hair roots showing too much

- doing manicures themselves

- being low maintenance

You can read the entire thing here. Trust me, you’ll want to, because it’s LOL-worthy. But guys, if you’re reading this, I’m going to be frank with you because some of these answers are bloody absurd.

First, let me just define turnoff for you: “A person or thing that causes someone to feel bored, disgusted, or sexually repelled.” So you’re telling me, guys, that you are bored with a woman when she takes too long to put on makeup and dry her hair — something she’s doing to make herself look good for you? You are “sexually repelled” by women who go to sleep with their hair wet? According to this Yahoo! survey, yes, yes you are.

I know you wish your woman would wake up with beautiful, shiny hair and look absolutely runway worthy without makeup. But that’s a pipedream you’re going to need to get rid of immediately, because most of us don’t look this good at the crack of dawn. Truth is, someone of us need glasses, our hair will look like a stump full of granddaddies, we’ve probably drooled on our pillows that night, and have very appearent blemish cream on our faces that make us look like we have leopard spots, all so that you don’t have to look at a face full of acne. If you think we’re going to look like Olivia Wilde in the morning, you are sorely mistaken, because she is literally the only human being capable of looking like that without a stich of makeup. Because she isn’t real. Round of applause for Jason Sudeikis. Everyone can be improved upon with a little bit of cosmetics.

The interesting thing about this article is that men range from “you are trying too hard, ladies” to “you aren’t trying hard enough.” Please, just shut up. If you are with a woman who is too low maintenance for your standards, dump her. If she is too high maintenance, kiss her goodbye. She may be nice, she may be pretty, and she may enjoy college football just as much as you do, but if you’re going to complain about how long it takes her to get ready in the morning, it’s time to let that ship sail. Because that’s a losing battle.

First off, I know half of your dream women include a Victoria’s Secret Angel, Kate Upton, Rihanna, Erin Andrews or Kate Beckinsale. They’re all gorgeous. But while you’re admiring that Angel on the catwalk, please note that she has at least six tracks of clip-in extensions in, they’ve airbrushed her makeup for a “natural glow,” she’s probably had two airbrush tans, and those lashes that look so natural? Most likely they’re curled, have extensions, or are individuals glued on. While they may be stunning, they’ve had some help. It’s not 100% au natural, as you have envisioned in your heads.

The kicker for me is that half of the things the men complained about are all things that a) most men usually have no idea a woman is wearing (or not wearing), or b) things men tend to like and grativate toward. For instance, the dude griping about the woman wearing heels and making too much noise by wearing them: you like the illusion of long legs, gents? Well stop griping about the heels. And the at-home manicure — you’d be complaining if we spent too much money to get a $30 set of gel nails, so let the woman paint her own nails! It’s therapeautic sometimes after a long day of our boyfriend nagging us about sleeping on a pillow with wet hair.

Also, I’m going to say it. I’ve worn fake hair. I’ve worn faux lashes. And when I get married, my husband will be like “DAYUM. Our wedding photos look out of control” and it will be because my hair is thick and flowing and my eyes look definied and beautiful. On the hair note, no man has ever figured it out. (Cat’s out of the bag now I suppose). But unless he’s running his hands through my hair — which he sure as hell ain’t doing unless we’re at the point where we’re close enough for me to say ‘listen dude, I have a weave’ — then he’s happy sure to be thrilled that my hair looks awesome. Which, by the way, I’m sure he won’t, because MEN USUALLY DON’T CARE ABOUT HOW LONG OR THICK OR WAVY OR STRAIGHT YOUR HAIRS ARE.

Except these men in the poll. Clearly.

I’m by no means saying you need anything “fake” to make you look fabulous, ladies. Whether it’s a little lip gloss and blush, putting on a moisturizer, or just a few strokes of a paddle brush through your hair, we all do a little “something” to make us feel better (and look better). Men, get used to it. This sounds more of communication issue though. If your girlfriend has a problem with screwing lids on correctly, why not express your pissed off-ness to them instead of writing into a survey like some passive-aggressive weirdo?

Anyway men, the real takeaway here is stop complaining — half of these primping and pampering routines we have? It’s to make you happy.

I can’t make this up: October 17th edition

Posted on by Menter Specialist
Reply

I’m a glutton for punishment. I take that back: I’m a glutton for watching others be punished, which is exactly what happens in online dating. Although I took myself off OKStupid OKCupid, I’m back. For dating? No. For blogs? Yes. And the messages are better (or worse, depending on how you look at it) than ever.

You know how these work: I leave out usernames and photos, because I’m not a life-ruiner. I’m more of a Carly Simon, “I bet you think this song is about you” kind of gal, instead of a Taylor Swift “guess which song is about Jake Gyllenhaal” kind of lady. Maybe someday I’ll tread into Swifty territory but for right now I think keeping things anonymous = good karma.

OKC is anonymous, but let’s be real here, I’d respond the way I do to some of these creeps without hiding behind a screen name. 

The Argumentative Pr*ck

I don’t respond to messages unless the guy really pisses me off. This guy was offensive on so many levels that I just… well, just read. 

Image

 

I had no idea what this meant. Religion? Probably. He definitely couldn’t be talking about how there’s no possible way the mansions on X Factor were actually the judges real homes. Further inquiry: 

Image

Image

The “Size Queen”

This guy has a shirtless photo of himself as his avatar, and references his “size” in his username. I’m so over the 50 Shades of Grey train. (Saying anything after that book title just sounds foul.)

Image

The Basher

Never thought I’d get a guy who actually bashes women on a dating site, but hey, that’s what OKC is all about: surpassing your douchiest expectations. I obviously had to say something back. (GED comment thanks to my dearest Slim and our most recent trip to Vegas.)

Image

Image

He never got back to me…

The Sister Lover

I’m so utterly confused by this message. Is he calling me uncool? We have a pseudo-connection based on our (poor) Match percentages, but it’s not as good as his connection with this sister? I’m so lost. I think he meant well, but it turned out a little too much like a Honey Boo Boo reference for me. 

Image

WTF

If you happen to have extra time to make a fake account on OKC and then use that line as your opener… you shouldn’t be dating.

Image

The thing about OKC that I will never understand is why men post photos from behind, in the dark, with their faces covered; while they’re white water rafting from 20 miles away; posing with an ex-girlfriend, taking shirtless selfies in the bathroom, etc. Just. don’t. get. it. Those photos are not attractive, sometimes are fully embarrassing, and somewhat of a sham, considering most people would like to see what the other looks like, given they can’t be there in person. Guys, do everyone a solid if you’re really trying to get out there and date and post a decent photo of your face.

But MAN. Aren’t photos deceiving? I have plenty photos of myself where I look like I’m 5’9 and could possibly be 20 pounds lighter, when in fact, it was a great camera angle and superior lighting. Ladies and gents, don’t pretend you don’t have those poses down to a SCIENCE. In our Facebook-dependent society, knowing how to take a proper photo without looking cross-eyed, frumpy and double-chinned is a skill. A SKILL!

Also, the ones that message you multiple times after you haven’t written them back: desperation, anyone? Not only are you annoying me, you are proving to be needy before we’ve ever met. (And we-eeeeeee won’t ever, ever, ever… since it’s my strict policy to never meet menz from the internets. (Unless Clay Matthews sees this and in that case… make it happen, CMIII.) 

Regardless, it’s nice to have a reminder of why I’m happily single. 

“A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue.” — Truman Capote

Posted on by Menter Specialist
Reply

I thought I was turning out to be the only person who thought men were complete and utter asshats UNTIL I WENT TO VEGAS.
(If you don’t want to read about the drunk wisdom I received from a British lad, scroll down — there are some real special OKCupid messages awaiting you. They’ll be the last of the bunch considering I deleted my account last week.)

——————————-

While at TAO, a British lad by the name of Stephen approached myself and my two girlfriends and asked us to come to his table. If you’re a woman, you know the number one mission you should have in Vegas is to find hot men with a table of free alcohol to consume. I was patting myself on the back for this mission: accomplished when I started talking to Stephen a bit more and realized this was a divine intervention… or Mentervention, rather.

Were Stephen and I meant to be? DEFINITELY not. He had about six too many buttons unbuttoned on his shirt, I can guarantee you he was just trying to sleep with me (or one of my girlfriends — who knew at that point) and pretty much defined the term “British Playboy.” His friends were pulling the ultimate wingman move by telling all of us he was a royal and went to school with Pippa Middleton and Princess Beatrice. Shamefully, I was pretty close to believing them. Does the normal guy care or even know Princess Beatrice exists? Alas I knew it was all lies — lest any man doubt my knowledge of the royals — but a nice touch nonetheless. Anyway, talking to Stephen, he made a few comments that I found to be unbelievably brilliant. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was his rather charming accent… but it all made so much sense. Don’t even ask me how this got brought up because I don’t remember:

(Please read in a British accent) “Men in America are quite idiotic. I’m serious. They run around and try to get women yet they only ask questions like, ‘What brings you here? Have you been here before?’ Just give it up already man! It’s even worse when they try to talk to other men. (Goes into his American accent) ‘Yo dude! What’s up bro? Yeah man, keep it real.’ What the bloody hell is that? I will tell you why men in America are a turnoff to women: because they don’t know how to hold a decent conversation.”

Now Stephen makes a valid point. I’m not saying this to make myself sound like some woman who is just overloaded with men approaching her — I’m definitely not — but this is a dating blog after all, so sue me. Anyway, just today some rando at Whole Foods came up and said, “You know what’s good?” Me, being oblivious, looked around, and responded, “What?” I thought he was going to tell me what was good. Then he’s like, “No, is there something you like here?” And at this point I’m privy to the fact that he’s just trying to talk to me, but I’m also really annoyed because I’ve been waiting 10 minutes to get a half a pound of sliced turkey. So I kind of just smile and say, “Nope, looks like all my favorites aren’t available today…” and he stands there and stares at me. Like a creeper. So I start to move when he says, “I don’t really care if you like anything, I just wanted an excuse to talk to you.”

Yeah, I couldn’t tell man. Here’s the thing: timing is everything. Read the signs, guys! If I’m on my phone and tapping my foot because the family of four in front of me can’t decide if they want smoked or roasted turkey breast, I am clearly not in the mood to chat. Maybe if you had told me a funny joke or wanted to commiserate with me, I’d be more up for it. But frankly I don’t want to discuss my favorite side dishes that I pick up from Whole Foods. Because really, do you even give a damn? No, you do not. This is what I mean.

If any man would have approached me like Stephen did in Vegas, I’d be excited to talk to him. Sure, the prospect of free alcohol was running through my brain, but his demeanor is what I’m referring to. He didn’t come across too arrogant or goofy or nervous. He wasn’t trying too hard. He was the right combination of confident, friendly and outgoing. He seemed genuinely curious about us and didn’t ask questions where we all were like, “He doesn’t give two shits about that… why is he asking?”

I don’t know if it was because we were American or what (and frankly I don’t care), but his conversation was good enough that all three of us ended up chatting with his group of friends until we (the girlfriends, not us and Stephen… need to clarify that) left the club that night. And sure, maybe his intentions weren’t genuine, but again, I DON’T CARE. It was Vegas. But it would be nice to meet a non-Vegas Stephen one day who wasn’t so into themselves and they actually took some time to create a meaningful conversation with a woman.

By meaningful, I don’t mean contemplating life and love and poetry and symbolism and all of that jazz. I mean, it can be about all that stuff too, but mostly I’m referring to a conversation that we can both relate to and understand at the time. Trying to get philisophical at the gym or the ball park or the grocery store is not appropo. Save it for the first date. But also, think about engaging in conversations that make us empathize or laugh and heck… make us think. Maybe it’s about your favorite band or a hard time you went through or a hilarious story that’s self-deprecating and amazing all at the same time. A conversation that you’re excited to be in and one that I know you’re not rolling your eyes about when I turn my head. A conversation where you not only share your part, but is, in fact, an actual conversation. One where you care about my response and react to it; one where you don’t have ulterior motives (to hit the sack, to build yourself up, to get sympathy, and so on).

I definitely don’t expect you to try to strike up a “What is love?” conversation in the deli meats section at Whole Foods, but please come up with something a little more intriguing than a question about what green I prefer with my steak. You dig? I’m sure the ladies will agree with me on all aforementioned accounts.

To conclude, I’m not saying all men in Vegas give opinions as wise as Stephen’s, either. And to think for a second that Stephen wasn’t a raging douchebag would be remiss on my part. I forgot to mention he was on Night #2 of his EIGHT DAY STAY IN VEGAS. I went for five nights, four days back in 2010 and I truly don’t know how I came out of that one alive. But then again, he put his number in my phone as “Sexy Stephen British.” So we’ll call it a draw when it comes to the “Undesirable Bro” debate. While he was a cheeky lad, he was witty and clever (including the term “British” made it easy to remember who he was the next day). He definitely had some “pros” to balance out his “cons.”

So based on this post, I guess you can either a) get interested  or b) try turning up the charm, guys. Take your pick.

Now on to some riveting messages from OKCupid! Yes, these are the final online dating messages I will post on here unless I decide to invest my love life in eHarmony or Match.com.

This is from some dude I didn’t respond to and it was sent at 1:15 PM. Yes, in the afternoon. So I can assume he wasn’t binge drinking at this point:


Meet up in LA

Fly to Las Vegas

Sex

On Ice

Diamonds

Shine so bright

We dance all night

Roll die

Champagne on me

Pop

Bottles

Step on the throttle

So much fun

So

Hard

You might just waddle home

Since that one clearly needs no comment… on to this guy. I’m leaving out his handle because, apparently, it’s his whole name. But he’s 33 and this is what he thought would “woo” me enough to give a response:

Hello,

How are you?

I have to admit, you are a 9 on a 1-10 scale,

would you like to find out why you didn’t quite make the 10? Regardless, with you being a 9,

that is just perfect.

I want to meet up with you in the near distant future.

I’m not sure how real this is but soon enough we’ll find out.

So many questions here: 1) Where did it say I  gave a shit from shinola about what rating I got from you? Also, why are men obsessed with this rating system? (See here.) I don’t care why I didn’t make a 10 because a) I couldn’t care less about being rated and b) it’s clear from this message the reason you are still single is because you think telling women what they “rate” in your mind is a way to win their heart. You CLOWN. 2) Why is it “just perfect” that I’m a nine? 3) And “near distant?” Like Back to the Future? When you say, “real this is,” do you mean the internet? The connection you’re feeling over OKCupid? 4) What is up with this weird spacing? Okay I’m done.

Until next time…

“You’re a bum magnet.”

Posted on by Menter Specialist
7

I have about 1,600 things I’d like to talk about today, but I’m going to focus this post into everything that is OKCupid. The title of this blog post is a quote I’ve heard plenty of times from my wise, loving father, who is never afraid to tell it like it is, and furthermore, always chimes in when he hears about the latest dating escapade in my life. This pretty much sums up all of the guys I’ve had contact me on OKCupid.

Are you familiar with OKCupid? Against my better judgment, I joined. It’s 100% not my style at all, and I regret getting on the site in the first place, given if the opportunity ever arose, I wouldn’t ever meet the people on there. Sorry. It just weirds me out. I’d rather have a friend set me up than take the chance that the man was actually a woman, or that they were in fact an axe murderer.

But I’m still on the site. Why, you may ask? If there’s one thing I have ulterior motives about, it’s my blogs. I mean, I am pretty forthcoming, but when it comes to blog posts, I figure I stay on these sites and get some good stories out of them.

You know when you watch The Bachelorette and the guys do some idiotic thing during their entrance to “stand out?” For instance, the dude who dressed up as the grandma. I get it — it was referencing last season’s Bachelor when the girl showed up on Night 1 with her grandmother. Super. Frankly, I’m not interested in dudes who watch The Bachelor, son. (Watching it with me, on the other hand, is another story.) I just want you to be interested in me, and that’s it. Or what about the royal asshat who showed up (late) in a helicopter? Those entrances are comprable to the messages I get on OKCupid.

I signed up for OKC because several girlfriends said they’d met some “hot, stable, successful” men on there. I’m not desperate to date, or even looking, but “stable” immediately caught my attention, given the last dude I was involved with was dating his ex-girlfriend at the same time, and the one that currently is trying to “court” me (I use that term loosely because he’s courting about 16 other people too) is someone that I’m not remotely attracted to, and most of that has to do with the fact that he’s 32, acts like he’s 17, and punched a guy I was in a lip-lock with square in the jaw. (Just a typical Thursday night in my life.) All while boning a few interns and a gaggle of other women. I could go on and on about his instabilities but I’m going to refrain.

Some gals had met grungy and sexy musicians that were strictly just “fun to date.” Others met their husbands. And in LA, I figure, why the hell not? What do I have to lose? (My mind? My dignity? My hope for mankind? All things I should have considered.) But in the back of my mind,  I knew this online dating thing isn’t for me at all, so perhaps I half-assed it and that’s why it’s so awful. But the other part of me believes it’s mostly because of the real annoying humans that have contacted me. And furthermore, if Snooki can get knocked up and find a dude to be with her through it all without a dating site, then dammit, I can too. Not the knocked up part… you know what I mean.

Here are a few of the messages I’ve been sent — copy and pasted, no editing, no nothing.

Exhibit A:

After a rigorously brief overview of your profile, I wanted to let you know I have already married and divorced you in my mind. I’m sorry it’s hard to be with someone with better hair than me.

Thanks for all the wonderful imaginary memories… you will always have a special place in my heart.

your ex-hubby,
justin

p.s. You can keep the beach house in Florida as long as I can have the puppy and my CD’s back.

I’m sorry, what in the SAM HILL IS THIS?

Exhibit B:

I’d like to get to know you, your very lovely. I’m the kind of guy thats kind, caring, romantic and understanding. Who will surprise you with breakfast in bed, bring you flowers, loves to travel, sailing, is a very good cook and no emotional games and is faithful then let me know cause thats who I am. Sorry for being direct but i rather be upfront and honest. I hope to hear from you if not then good luck. Im just a hopeless romantic just trying to find that special someone. All i ask is to be my friend and see where it goes. Again I hope this is not too direct for you I’m just not use to online dating.

Clearly.

Exhibit C:

hey how many pairs of shoes do you have ?

You’re trying way too hard, sir.

Exhibit D:

I’m still a virgin, unemployed, don’t drive and only 5’6. Completely undateable. There’s also a nerdiness issue. Do you wanna meet up?

“I *almost* responded to this guy, because I was like, “well, he got my attention.” But not in a good way. And honestly, I felt like he was being honest, not joking. Besides the my strict height requirements (only special guys get that requirement tossed), nothing else about this is dude appealing to me.

Exhibit E:

Are those Legos in your pants? Because I could totally build a future with you.

Oh. My. Gentle. Jesus. SPARE ME. I’m not looking to date a cheesy character off of SNL!!!!!!!!

Exhibit F:
(On my profile, I talk about how I’m a Texan but not a Cowboys fan)

Its not the COWBOYS …tony romo is a choker!!!!!!!!!

(then he sent a second message)

what football team do you follow????? …….just in case LONGHORNS SUCK!

(to which I responded)

You are an idiot. Please don’t contact me again. I am not a Longhorns fan, by the way, but you need serious help when socializing with women.

What a chode.

Exhibit G:

Hello. Are you a human or just an account the website created to get guys to join?

Okay… That was good. Still not responding.

There are MANY MORE EXHIBITS to choose from but I’ll spare you the second-hand embarrassment. The point of this is that online dating, or “online meeting,” rather, totally sucks because everyone’s trying so hard to stand out that they appear to be complete imbeciles, when they could be nice, charming men in a social environment. Also, by skimming different profiles, it seems like guys really have no idea what the hell to do on a site and talk about themselves. Some try to be eccentric, some are really braggy and the rest are all illiterate.

I don’t want MENtervention to appear to be a “I hate men” blog, or a “bash men all the live-long day” blog. I don’t hate men. Do I bash them sometimes? Yes, when they bloody deserve it.

So long story short, OKCupid should really be called OK, Get me the HELL off of this God-Forsaken Site.

My love don’t cost “a thing”… it costs everything

Posted on by Menter Specialist
3

You know when you’re just meant to be somewhere? I was meant to be at the 11:00 service at Bel Air Presbyterian.

Before I jump into why I was supposed to be there, I should probably start with the resounding theme of this past week. The term that keeps popping up everywhere? “Single.” As in, I am single. NEWSFLASH: I am single. I am loving it. Now and again I’m like, “You know what? It would be cool to have a date and butterflies and the ‘spark’ and all that jazz,” but right now I’m okay with the fact that I can act like a heathen (aka drink and go out and have massive hangovers whenever I want)(get your minds out of the gutter) and not answer to anyone. Now, some of you reading may be like, “Well, Kirbie, you are single. So that isn’t something that should be out of the ordinary, or a surprise.” And it’s not. But for whatever reason, conversations this week pointed at my “single-dom” a lot more than usual.

I have never been someone who has been feeble or terrified of being alone. In fact, I think I thrive when I’m independent. Granted, I love being social and having friends (companions, relationships), but I don’t jump from relationship to relationship, and I tend to go long periods of time without significant others.

So there’s no desperate single chick here. Trust. But there have been several points this week where I thought, “Sheesh. It would be really nice to have someone.” And not just someone, actually — more like someone spectacular. Pastor Mark, on Sunday, talked about how friendships are one souls in two bodies. When you meet someone you have such a strong connection with, you feel blessed to have them in your life. I feel that way with several of my girlfriends. These are women I could be 100% upfront with and regardless of any argument or disagreement we may have, we fulfill each other differently than a significant other could. These relationships are just as important, don’t you think? He talked about having an electric chemistry that surpasses anything sexual or physical or even emotional. It transcends all of those mediums. And while I have that with a few close girlfriends, I sometimes wonder when I’m going to feel that with a man. I would like to feel as giddy as I do about my job with a really great guy.

Now, when has “single” popped up this week? I’ve been filming a special branded content video that depicts “a day in the life of Kirbie,” so to speak. It should be called “Trainwreck Central: My Emotional Life” (just kidding)(I might have cried on camera and talked about strip clubs). Seriously though, it’s my own little reality show (which has to be contained into three minutes). I was followed by a director, a cameraman and a producer for two weeks off and on and I have to hand it over to all of these reality show casts because that stuff gets old real quick, but I loved doing it. And after I called my mom to talk with her, I secretly wanted to have someone else to call.

And then, while grabbing ramen and a snocone with my girlfriend, I discussed how I’m literally the only bridesmaid in an upcoming wedding that isn’t bringing a date, and that I thought all of the bridesmaids would have a huge slumber party in the hotel, except that would be the last thing happening because ALL OF THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS would be with them. And I’m having to spend money on a hotel alone.

Then Mom brought up how we’re all going to Hawaii for Christmas: Dad & Mom, Nick and his girlfriend, Bailey, and then me and whoever I decide to bring. I know this sounds totally pessimistic but I don’t foresee myself having anyone to take (and not just because the Packers play on Christmas and New Year’s Day). I like being solo but there’s so much coming up this year that I’d like to have someone to share it with.

Anyway, at church, Pastor Mark talked about relationships and who our “family” is, and being single. He mentioned how hard it is for us who are single in LA because dating is a disaster. (True.) But he talked about how it’s okay to be alone. Now I have no idea what this life will bring me, but he mentioned that some people are meant to be single. I feel like I am supposed to be alone during this period of my life. I’m happy as a clam, and I don’t have to answer to anyone but myself. It was totally fulfilling to go to church, feeling a little bit of doubt in myself, and then being reaffirmed that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with just being me.

So, in true Mentervention fashion, I have to bring up some idiot that really ticked me off, regarding this topic. I cannot remember this poor imbecile’s name, but we met a few weeks ago at a bar in Santa Monica. I was enjoying a night out with the girls, when he approached us with the oh-so-original “is anyone sitting here?” line. (We let him take a seat.) I can’t remember what he was discussing but the subject of a very attractive gentleman came up between the girls. He noticed and asked me why I hadn’t gone up to the guy and introduced myself.

“Oh, haha, no, I don’t do that.” I shake my head as a “no way.”

Here’s when it gets good. Or bad, in his case:

“So can I ask you how long you’ve been single?”

“Two years.” (For good reason.)

“Okay. Don’t you think you’re single still because you won’t approach a guy?”

Valid. Then again, I don’t approach guys. I’m starting to get irritated. The rest is somewhat blurry, but THEN he says:

“Your girlfriends probably feel sorry for you and wonder why you’re still single.”

False. If my girlfriends cared about me being single, we’d have bigger problems. I’m not some Old Maid. I’m entitled to be single. Hell, Old Maids are entitled to be single too, if that’s their choice. Don’t make me feel bad about myself because I a) didn’t want to jump into a relationship right after I had gotten out of a serious one, b) I don’t approach men at bars AT 12:30 on Friday nights, and c) I am looking for something of substance and not trying to settle for just any dude that asks me on a date. The audacity of this entire comment of his is that he makes it seem like I should be out and about, searching for a man, just because I’m single. Sorry that I have standards and yes, I’m old fashioned, and I don’t approach men. The end.

After going off on him and explaining that he knew absolutely nothing about women (and clearly thought he did since, God forbid, I didn’t have a man to go home to that night), we parted ways. And, if anything, he reaffirmed one thing for me: why I’m choosing not to date anyone… right now. :)

So, voice of reason time! Ladies and Gents: it’s okay to be single. Everyone else may be paired up, but whether you’re choosing to be alone or you’re not, know that having this time for yourself is for a reason. If you just broke up with someone, be still and be alone. It’s for the greater good. If you’ve been alone for awhile and you’re unafraid of opening your heart, be patient! It will happen in due time. And, if you are afraid of loving someone and getting hurt, know that it takes a large amount of sacrifice to open your heart and love someone else. It’s the most courageous thing you can do. Don’t deny yourself the opportunity of bliss and unconditional love, just because you’re scared! Like the title says — love don’t cost “a thing,” it costs everything. Alas, you might not understand why you’re alone right now, but it’s helping to better you for something extraordinary that’s coming down the road, when the time’s right.

Your intuition… it will lead you in the right direction

Posted on by Menter Specialist
2

Ladies, guess what? Your intuition? Yeah, it’s there for a reason. The theme of “gut instinct” has been overwhelmingly present in my life the past couple of weeks, so I’m just going to take a hunch that I need to blog about it.

This video has nothing to do with this post except that it says “Intuition” too…

Many of my girlfriends the past three weeks have all told me something, in their own relationship, that they’ve had a “gut instinct” about. Either they knew they were going to be proposed to, or felt something was “off.” Listen loves — those instincts don’t come out of nowhere. It’s God planting little seeds to either prepare you or protect you.

For instance, I remember one night with an ex-boyfriend. We were with a group of people at a carnival of sorts, and overall I think we had a great time. But for whatever reason, as we were walking together through the crowd of people, my got a huge knot in my stomach. Something wasn’t right. I knew something was off, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

Fast forward a week. I remember at the time that said boyfriend had mentioned something about a girl named Paige being pretty, she was so-and-so’s friend and I didn’t really get to meet her — but I didn’t think twice about it. I’m not ashamed of what I’m about to say because EVERYONE DOES THIS so I’m not beating myself up about it (anymore at least). I went through his phone… while he was in the shower. Sue me!!!!!!  I wasn’t suspicious (at the time) — just curious — and I remember not only finding a convo where one of his friends was talking sh*t about my uncle (super!!!!) but I also found a text between himself and a friend — about Paige.

Mind you, I had wanted to name my first born daughter Paige, but God knows that’s all out the window. Basically they were both fighting over this chick that they both met once because, apparently, she was SOOOO HOT that her blinding hotness meant more than their girlfriends they had been dating for who-knows-h0w-long at this point. So they were fighting over who had “dibs” on her. It was one of those moments that I vowed I’d never go through a boyfriend’s phone again. And trust me — I never will. And yeah, I ‘fessed up and confronted him. Womp womp.

Point being? I had an intuition that something wasn’t right, and I was correct.

So here’s where I begin the real honesty time. I don’t even know where to go with this because a) I had no commitment from this person but b) I would venture to say we were somewhat dating? I really have no idea. Everything is so dicey in LA when it comes to who you’re a dating and all of that crap. He was paying for dinner and at the end of the day, that’s a date, regardless of if you want it to be not — SO I’VE BEEN TOLD, given in college I went out with someone I thought was a friend, but he paid for everything, so all of my friends in turn told me that I officially went on a date. Super. Moral of that story: pay for your own crap unless you really like the guy.

Anyway, I had been “dating” this guy casually for a few weeks and we were having a great time. Or so I thought. WHO KNOWS, he could have found me mildly annoying but attractive enough to deal with, or he could have been smitten. I really have NO IDEA. What I do know is that he was helpful, fun, we had a great time together (or did we? Again, I’m pretty much lost at this point), and I liked being around him. We hung out a handful of times — maybe two handfuls; he pursued me, which I enjoyed, because as most of you know, I am the arranger/Mother Hen/person who tends to organize everyone, so any time a person goes after me, it’s attractive. Then I peaced out for the holidays.

Which is when things got kind of weird. No… they straight up just got BIZARRE. I don’t even want to talk about this because while I’m disappointed with how the whole thing turned out, I have no sour feelings about this person. I like him. He’s ‘good people.’ I would hang out with him on a regular, friendly basis, which is a rarity because, well, I’m selective in who I associate with. But I’m also a person who whole-heartedly believes things happen in my life so I can share them on my blog. Kind of bizarre logic, but work with me here. By me sharing my experiences, you can either a) squirm in humiliation for for me or b) get a good laugh. Either/or. So the point of this whole paragraph is to reference that I’m not writing to mock or ridicule this person.

This guy is someone I “knew” for awhile. I use that term loosely, because we never hung out. But we knew of each other. I was intrigued with the fact that he had a good job and seemingly had his shit together, because, as this blog depicts to a T — most men in LA are a little “touched” — as my grandma liked to call it. (In other words, they have a lot of problems.)

He made reservations for dinner. Do you understand what that feels like? It’s sexy. It’s like “Look, I’m taking the initiative to make sure that when we get to the restaurant, you don’t have to stand in your heels for 30 minutes while we wait for a table.” I dig that. And when you don’t have reservations made for you, ever, it’s HUGE — am I right, ladies? I’m so right. Clearly, I am easily amused.

So a myriad of other things attracted me to him but mostly it was just a fun fling. Nothing serious, no commitment — just good times and no worries. I like that because I’m not trying to settle down anytime soon and I just started a new job, which my entire life revolves around at this point.

LONG STORY SHORT: I went home for the holidays and felt, gut instinct-wise, that something was up. I hadn’t heard from him in a few days, which was weird because we were communicating almost every day, and I felt kind of let down, but wasn’t too concerned.

Until I got on Twitter.

I need to preface this whole thing with the fact that my friend Taryn calls me “Nancy Drew” because of my superb investigation skills. Trust, I have broken into emails before. That might be highly illegal and nothing to boast about, but I should probably start prepping myself for a future in private investigation. Twitter and Facebook? IT’S NOTHING. No sweat. Tell me what you want to find out, I’ll get it for you. Who is your ex-boyfriend dating? Well, I’m not friends with him, but I will tell you her name, send you a photo and identify at least two friends and hobbies of hers. (If you are my friend, I will also tell you that you are waaaaay prettier and she is a ho because that’s just how good of a friend I am.)

For the love, this is so long. GET TO THE POINT ALREADY! So anyway, I was at home, bored, and I crawled in bed with my iPad on got on Twitter. I decided to look at his page. I feel like a Twitter page tells so much about a person. Their writing voice, their grammar, how many followers they have, who follows them — all interesting to me. It tells a little story.

So do their tweets.

Pretty much, I found a tweet of his (easy because he didn’t have many), directed at someone else, that intrigued me enough to click on that person’s name, which took me to their public profile. It was a girl. She looked familiar. It was his ex-girlfriend. And on her page, I discovered that she had flown to where he was for Christmas and was either a) in the area and they were hanging out (which helps me to understand why he was MIA) or b) spending the holiday with him.

I remember seeing it and being like, “What the f*ck?” (Dirty mouth. Sorry.) And then getting a little sad. Like, well, that sucks. I mean… I don’t know. He didn’t owe me anything, he could have had this planned for forever; I wouldn’t have told somebody new that I was seeing that I was going to be hanging out with my ex during the “most wonderful time of the year” either. So I was stuck in somewhat of a rut.

While I wanted no commitment, I also didn’t want to be on his “ho train” of women. I exaggerate that but really, if you’re dating other people, totally fine, just let me know. I don’t want to be one of 17…. or even one of three or four. That’s too much like The Bachelor for me and it grosses me out, espesh as a germaphobe. Furthermore, it’s a Case of The Ex. That’s always a losing battle — if someone isn’t over their ex, the ex will always win… or they’ll shack together. Either/or.

Anyway, things obviously fizzled. I saw him one time when I got back and had fun, but at the end of the day, I felt weird bringing up The Ex Factor because, well, that’s weird, and I kind of knew in the back of my mind that if he didn’t bring it up himself, that something, most definitely, was going or went on between them. I’ve all but confirmed that things are a cookin’ between them now, and he has since fallen off the planet in Kirbie’s Dream World.

But really, who am I to interfere in a rekindling of any sort? Wishing him the best, regardless.

#WompWompWOOOOMP

Outside of my dating life being nonexistent now, and spilling to you guys the trials and tribulations of finding a decent guy to take me to dinner, learn this: Go with the gut instincts people. Your intuition is the greatest power you possess.

Goals (you should abide by) in 2012

Posted on by Menter Specialist
3

Many sites are busting out countdowns and resolutions, recapping infamous moments of the year and twitpic-ing photos of their nails and hair.

I must admit that on Kirbie Goes to Hollywood, I’m guilty of doing a “Best of” segment, but really, who doesn’t want to watch a video of me meeting *NSYNC when I’m 12?

Anyway, I hate resolutions because, like reverse psychology, I feel more compelled to break them. It’s weird. If I don’t fulfill a resolution, it’s like, “Wah, who cares, so did 98% of the rest of the population. Now pass me the butter for this biscuit.” (There goes no carbs!) And, truthfully, some resolutions are so RIDICULOUSLY UNREALISTIC it’s like they were formulated to be broken in the first place. Smokers? Most definitely end up smoking. “No smoking in 2012″ should be amended to “Quit smoking this year.” And lose 30 pounds? I don’t have 30 pounds to lose. Yet some years I feel like this is an adequate resolution.

Therefore, here are some goals that each and every one of you should take into account. They’re mostly targeted toward the women, but guys, you could always benefit by knowing our deep, dark secrets:

1. Expect the best, and don’t accept anything less.
When you’re 25, you’re done dealing with drunkards, students, and overall douches that you may have put up with in the past, especially when it comes to simply dating. Take it upon yourself to imagine what a man you would desire looks like and acts like, and then WAIT FOR THAT. I’m not saying don’t date. Give people a chance. They might not come in the package you want, but they might hold more keys to your happiness than your original desired man. Anyway, if you date someone and “it” isn’t there, (“it” being chemistry, sparks, magic, whatever) THEN MOVE ON. Before, I would have said “wait until the second date and see” and you know what? By all means, go on that second date if you’re iffy, but in reality, you can tell from a first date if you have any attraction to the person you’re sitting in front of. Don’t waste your time — it’s precious, as are you. If you don’t hold yourself to higher standards, who will? Nobody is meant to live a mediocre, “blah” kind of life.

The same can be said with your job. If you feel you deserve a raise, take some time to put together a proposal and ask for it. If you feel like your original salary offer is low or you don’t feel does you justice, ask to negotiate. Nine times out of ten if you ask, you’ll receive (at least a compromise).

2. See the red flags and move on. (Read: “BREAK UP WITH YOUR EX BOYFRIEND FOR THE LAST TIME.”)
I always laugh when people talk about breakups because they’re crying (or yelling) “It’s over!” and we all know it’s not. Most times, you break up and there’s a long string of humiliation, stabbing words, and over-analyzation to follow. If you have been “dating” someone for over a year and they won’t commit? It’s probably time to face the music that they don’t want to commit to you. Whether you’re okay with that is up for you to decide. If you’re in an on/off relationship where the person constantly screws up, belittles you and shows no respect for you as a person, and you keep taking them back, then in actuality you are in fact the screwed up individual, who belittles yourself, with no self love (or confidence). Put the nail in the coffin, folks! You can’t move on to bigger and better if you don’t break free from the virus that is your ex. You love(d) them, we understand that, but it’s time to love yourself more. Even if your ex was fabulous and it was an amicable split, please do yourself a solid and cut off the communication. I don’t care what anyone says, being “just friends” as exes almost never works out (unless there’s a divorce somewhere in there) unless there are still feelings present. And the term “just friends” means no sexual attraction or chemistry whatsoever.

It’s like dating that guy in college — he’s great but he ends up breaking your heart, and when you move on, you end up dating the quarterback of the football team. I’d say that’s an upgrade, and possibly worth the heartache you had to sustain with the other dude.

3. FTLOG, stop texting HIM.
I figured out one epic downfall of the woman species is she’s too concerned about showing her affection. Women always need the upper hand, but want to make sure that the guy they’re pining over knows they’re thinking about them. These next few sentences are going to blow you away, as I have been victim of this before and while I relapse every so often, it’s important to NOT DO IT, EVER: don’t text him. For the love of God, don’t do it.

You don’t need a guy to know if you’re interested or thinking of him because guess what? There’s this thing God invented called CHIVALRY and it’s not your job (initially) to seduce and court the male. Now, some asshats would have you believe that this is your duty by never texting you or calling you or whatever — in which case, guess what? He’s not into you. Sorry. However, the guy that really wants to see you and get to know you (and possibly love you?) and is probably worth keeping around? He’s asking you what you’re doing, where you are, and when he can see you next like it’s his full-time, salary + benefits JOB. (In the most non-creepy way, of course. Use your discretion and get a restraining order if need be.)

How pitiful would it be if you married a man that you had to do all the work for? “Yeah, I practically had to BEG dad to take me out to dinner! And now we’re married!” Uh, great? Listen folks, I’m all about women’s rights and being powerful and all of that, but at the end of the day, I’m a lady. I need a man to do his job, which is protect and make me feel like the lady I am — not just that, like a precious jewel so sought after that he feels lucky to even have me to himself. (Maybe this is why I tend to be attracted to extremely tall men?)

Just stop texting him. If he hasn’t texted you in awhile, create some mystery and allure and he’ll come around. If he doesn’t, it’s not your job or problem to worry about. Very similar to the scientific discovery of meeting someone new: when you stop talking to your ex and you’ve found someone else, the ex always seems to come out of the woodwork like magic! Stop being so available that he becomes uninterested.

Guys, you, on the other hand… it’s your job and God-given right as a man to pursue the woman. End of story. Stop being little biotches and do your part, if you truly want to see, date, or be with a woman.

4. Do some things you haven’t.
I need to clarify this before it gets out of hand. If you’re a serial monogamist, and you people know who you are, please take this year to be alone. I highly recommend this for anyone who has recently gotten out of a long-term, serious relationship. Moving on takes time, and jumping into something with someone else means you’re bringing baggage from the past with you, enabling the new relationship to fail. Furthermore, you’re not able to come to terms with some of the things that happened before, or decide what you really want and need. If the thought of being without someone scares you, you are the #1 candidate for a year of solitude. By all means, date, have picnics, take someone out for a drink. Just don’t hightail yourself into a relationship you have no business being in because you want to “feel loved” or need a hard body in your bed. You dig?

At the same rate, are you scared of being in a relationship? DATE! Go out, meet people, explore your options. If nobody tickles your fancy, fine! But don’t give up on finding someone spectacular, for fear you’ll get hurt. Dating can be awful (trust me), but as a mid-20-something, dating is how you meet people, given you don’t want to date your coworkers. Enough said.

5. Finally, believe you are worth better. (And that you can capable of achieving anything!)
I think a lot of confident people struggle with that first sentence. You might have an air about you; feel like you can do anything, that you’re on top of the world, but when it comes to relationships and romance, you settle. STOP DOING THAT. Don’t settle because it’s taking too long to find someone you truly are attracted to. Don’t settle because “Hey, this guy is great and has a lot going for him and my friends like him and I wonder if I’ll find anyone like this again!” except you’re not really into it. Don’t settle because you feel backed into a corner with no way out. If you’re unhappy, ends things.

Much like envisioning losing weight or getting in better shape or quitting smoking, you have to envision (or manifest, as my girl Marina puts it) a wonderful person before you can attain them. Really, it sounds so corny, but a lot of what you do in life depends on if you can see it coming to fruition! So guys, if you are wondering when you’re going to find a girl who will support you and you absolutely can’t live without, envision that you’ll find her. Same goes with you ladies.

Be confident in you who are. The right person always shows up when you least expect it, so stay positive, be focused on you and bettering yourself, and then wait for gifts to be bestowed upon you. Seriously, no athlete desires to win the silver medal, and like that commercial says, nobody aspires to tell a mediocre joke at best (or something like that). Hell, Muhammed Ali didn’t get in the ring and hoped he didn’t get hit — he went in to knock the lights out of his opponent and WIN!

In relationships, sometimes, you gotta get the lights knocked out of you before you can start winning those trophies. (Gotta love this loose analogy). It’s all a part of the plan though.

Happy New Year!